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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Innapropriate messages

72 replies

IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 04:02

DS is 11. He got his first phone only 2 months ago and was not bothered at all. Didn't even use it for a month, but he recently started chatting to his 'girlfried'. It went from zero to almost being glued to the phone.

Tonight I was installing an app and saw a message that looked odd, so I checked the conversation.

This girl has been sending him increasingly explicit messages. The last one being 'I want you to fuck me' and 'Cum in my mouth'.

I must admit we were extremely naive and did not set clear rules (eg checking messages etc) from the beginning, so he will probably feel that I invaded his privacy. I don't think I have any options really as this is totally inapropriate, but I am so shocked I do not know how to deal with it.

Has anyone been a similar situation?
This is not normal sexual development for an 11yo, is it?!

OP posts:
Annaishere · 30/07/2023 08:57

It could be from films or overhearing older sister/ friends talking. But yes also could be from online

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 08:58

Wouldlovetobeinthesun · 30/07/2023 06:01

What on earth do you think school will do? It's summer holidays so even if they did intervene, it won't be for several weeks.

Why haven't you contacted her parents? They are both 11 so regardless of what he thinks, how would you feel if it was him sending the messages? Wouldn't you want to know?

I would definitely want to know. And I was thinking about it but I have no way of contacting them except through school.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 30/07/2023 08:59

Def contact the dsl straight away. No it's not overhearing, have you ever heard anyone say that out loud outside of porn? I haven't!

Boomboom22 · 30/07/2023 08:59

I highly doubt it will wait, the dsl will be contacting the parents pretty sharpish.

Applesarenice · 30/07/2023 09:16

This is an 11 year old girl. She has heard this language somewhere. You must let the school school - dsl’s/headteachers will be checking emails

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 09:17

Boomboom22 · 30/07/2023 08:59

Def contact the dsl straight away. No it's not overhearing, have you ever heard anyone say that out loud outside of porn? I haven't!

To clarify - one was a meme/image that said C.I.M.M
I imagine he googled it because he said 'there are several meanings'

OP posts:
ohsuzannah · 30/07/2023 09:17

It sounds to me as if someone at home is being inappropriate with her, maybe even abusing her. It needs to be reported. Your poor confused son!

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 09:31

HeadacheEarthquake · 30/07/2023 06:13

I think at 11 years old, privacy is for his room/bathroom but you have every right to monitor his online activity and this is PRECISELY why.

This girl is obviously not okay either, if she thinks that's appropriate, funny or expected of her, or it could even be a bit bullying to try and embarrass him.

He may well be relieved if you intervene, don't let the poor kid handle this himself and I know this goes without saying but it's important he doesn't feel blamed. Support your young man, please xx

I totally agree and I do want to support him, however I've found out he was lying.

They wanted to hung out after school one day. We told him they could go to the park. DH was very very very under no circumstances he could go to her house.

They were planning to meet up again on Monday and he asked her 'when can i go to yours?'. I could not work out if that's what he did last time too, but he is obviously thinking he can get away with it.

So there are two issues: the inappropriate messages and the lying, which I think it also needs to be addressed sharply

OP posts:
Polik · 30/07/2023 09:49

I'm a secondary school DSL. This is not age appropriate sexualised language. Is your DS just finished Y6 or Y7? Either will still be inappropriate at 11y, but much mores if still primary age.

Here's what I suggest you do:

  1. Take screen shots of the concerning chat (unless nude/semi-nude images, don't screenshot those) and of the name/number of the contact. This is in case other person flat denies.
  2. Email screenshot to school safeguarding email address. It will/should be monitored through school holidays. Let school deal with her. I would not advise you contact the other persons parent.
  3. Tell your son you found them. Try to have an honest talk about his feelings about this. Don't aim to chastise him. He might have felt frightened, confused, had an ego boost, he may have felt sexually excited, he may have not had any sexual reaction at all. You need to not feel ashamed to talk about this without judgment. You can't know what he felt without giving him a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about it.
  4. Once you know how he felt, validate his feelings.
  5. Educate him that sexual talk like this is too grown up for him. In future he should tell you if anything happens that makes him feel uncomfortable or unsure, you will help him without telling him off
  6. Tell him (again without judgment) that because its your job as a parent to keep him safe, you will be monitoring his phone use all the time now.
  7. Ask him - is there anything else on your phone you wouldn't want me to see? Inafes, other chats? Don't make him think he'll be in trouble, or he won't share.
  8. Check his phone more frequently initially, but regularly from then onwards
  9. Go through every contact he has and make sure he knows the person in real life. Educate him on the dangers of fake accounts snd people not bring who they pretend to be.
10. Online safety education done, time yo start thinking about some sexual education conversations. I wouldn't do this now. Maybe buy an age appropriate book. Have some low-key conversations about puberty and sexual discovery bring natural parts if growing up. Bring in age appropriate themes on consent and safety. That anything sexual should never make him feel weird, worried, sad or upset, that you will unconditionally help him if he tells you about anything sexual that didn't feel right.

In summary - don't use this as means to tell him off or shame him. Use it as a learning opportunity for both of you.

sashagabadon · 30/07/2023 09:50

Tell the school

CoughForWeeks · 30/07/2023 09:56

@Polik I think that's really helpful and clear advice

TeacherMcTeacherface · 30/07/2023 09:57

I'm a DSL in a primary school. We are on duty over the summer hols and this is exactly the sort of thing we'd want to know about.

It's a huge safeguarding red flag. The girl has definitely got this from somewhere and that sort of language is obviously very explicit and concerning.

I know most Y6 kids have WhatsApp now but I'd highly recommend getting rid. I'd say 90% of issues we deal with that begin outside school with phone usage revolve around WhatsApp & messaging apps. It's supposed to be for 16+.

Sounds like the school need to deliver some e-safety lessons in Sept (with parents as well as kids!!!)

Hiddenvoice · 30/07/2023 09:57

Polik · 30/07/2023 09:49

I'm a secondary school DSL. This is not age appropriate sexualised language. Is your DS just finished Y6 or Y7? Either will still be inappropriate at 11y, but much mores if still primary age.

Here's what I suggest you do:

  1. Take screen shots of the concerning chat (unless nude/semi-nude images, don't screenshot those) and of the name/number of the contact. This is in case other person flat denies.
  2. Email screenshot to school safeguarding email address. It will/should be monitored through school holidays. Let school deal with her. I would not advise you contact the other persons parent.
  3. Tell your son you found them. Try to have an honest talk about his feelings about this. Don't aim to chastise him. He might have felt frightened, confused, had an ego boost, he may have felt sexually excited, he may have not had any sexual reaction at all. You need to not feel ashamed to talk about this without judgment. You can't know what he felt without giving him a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about it.
  4. Once you know how he felt, validate his feelings.
  5. Educate him that sexual talk like this is too grown up for him. In future he should tell you if anything happens that makes him feel uncomfortable or unsure, you will help him without telling him off
  6. Tell him (again without judgment) that because its your job as a parent to keep him safe, you will be monitoring his phone use all the time now.
  7. Ask him - is there anything else on your phone you wouldn't want me to see? Inafes, other chats? Don't make him think he'll be in trouble, or he won't share.
  8. Check his phone more frequently initially, but regularly from then onwards
  9. Go through every contact he has and make sure he knows the person in real life. Educate him on the dangers of fake accounts snd people not bring who they pretend to be.
10. Online safety education done, time yo start thinking about some sexual education conversations. I wouldn't do this now. Maybe buy an age appropriate book. Have some low-key conversations about puberty and sexual discovery bring natural parts if growing up. Bring in age appropriate themes on consent and safety. That anything sexual should never make him feel weird, worried, sad or upset, that you will unconditionally help him if he tells you about anything sexual that didn't feel right.

In summary - don't use this as means to tell him off or shame him. Use it as a learning opportunity for both of you.

As a teacher too this is exactly what I would do. I know it’s summer but some email accounts are still monitored especially for ss purposes.

I would screenshot messages and the number so you have them.

This isn’t appropriate language for an 11 year old. It would worry time as to where she has heard it and why she feels she needs to send it. I would feel relieved at the fact your son pointed out that they were only 11 and seems to not have pushes the conversation more.

You will need to have an open and honest chat with him. Be gentle with him and try not to get upset or angry. He will show his emotions and get annoyed with his phone being checked so let him express that. Once you have spoken clearly through it all explain your next steps and let him know that you will regularly be checking his phone.

He should have had quite a few sexual health chats at school by now but you could also sit with him and talk about what’s appropriate for his age and what’s not. Ask him how he feels about it all as he might have felt worried and that things were moving too fast.

queenofthebongo · 30/07/2023 10:26

LaMadameCholet · 30/07/2023 08:57

You must contact the DSL at his school, please. They will still be contactable in the holidays. The school website should make clear who that is.

This.

As i said in my first post. Contact the school or the nspcc website will direct you to appropriate help. This isn't a normal conversation - it's sexualised behaviour and it needs to be dealt with sensitively, correctly and quickly.

queenofthebongo · 30/07/2023 10:30

I missed the dsl's replying. Excellent advice from both.

People think that schools shut over the summer, but this is exactly why they don't.

leismah · 30/07/2023 10:32

When my DS was 11 he was in bed (because he still had a bedtime!) and a girl in his class sent him a selfie with something like "what do you wish you could do to me" or something to that effect, phone was with me so he never saw it. Needless to say she was blocked and we only allowed him to communicate with family for a long while after. We spoke extensively about how careful he has to be, especially as a boy, and consent, and age etc etc and I think it was all very upsetting for him as he was a very young 11 and all of this was a shock to him, this was 2 years ago nearly and I don't think he's messaged a girl on his phone since ha.

LaMadameCholet · 30/07/2023 14:04

Excellent advice from @Polik upthread which I would reiterate. I would also strongly advise you NOT to contact other parents. This is not a normal style conversation even for children who are maturing/experimenting. I’m nit casting any aspersions but I would contact the DSL only. Contact with any other parents will muddy the waters and could potentially further endanger a vulnerable child.

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/07/2023 14:07

There's also a chance that it is a group of girls thinking this is a laugh and coming up with the messages together.

I would screenshot and contact the parents.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 16:05

Thank you all so much, specially @Polik for such a detailed and helpful post. I really appreciate it.

I read it right before I was about to talk to my son. In fact, I took my phone to the toilet to read it again!

Well, that was not an easy chat. He initially felt very embarrassed, in tears, and refused to talk but I insisted that it was really important to understand what was happening. He opened up in the end and admitted that it felt 'nice' but he knew it was not appropriate and was not comfortable either. We reassured him that all of that was normal. We explained at length why that was not the way to talk or relate at his age, and that could lead to dangerous situations for both of them.

He volunteered additional information – she has talked to him about suicidal ideation. He could hardly say the words out loud. Started crying and said he was very worried for her as he’d thought she’d really do it. It was heartbreaking.

There was much more, but I am exhausted now, I hardly slept last night from the anxiety.
I found those other messages after my OP.

I am ‘happy’ with the outcome of our conversation; he did seem relieved. I found it interesting that he did not even get angry with my checking his phone. I really hope he feels he can talk to us in the future.

Now I need to deal with the rest..........
Shall I email the DSL and ask him to have a chat, or send him the screenshots directly?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 30/07/2023 16:29

That’s a tough conversation but it’s done and hopefully he will be able to come to you if anything else is said.

I’d contact the dsl and ask if possible to have a chat regarding some inappropriate messages and some new information about suicide, explain that you have screenshots and are very concerned for this young girls well-being. Ask them to call you and provide your number. Also say you are able to send messages at
their request but need a reply first as they are sensitive.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 16:58

Thank you @Hiddenvoice
And thank you @TeacherMcTeacherface too

OP posts:
autienotnaughti · 30/07/2023 17:56

You need to tell school safeguarding staff. And talk to your son and make him aware you check his phone

EmpressSoleil · 30/07/2023 18:05

I agree with the advice you've been given. But please do not tell the parents. I'm very concerned with what's going on at home given everything she's said to your DS. Alerting the parents could make life much worse for her. Let the appropriate authorities deal with it. I hope she and your DS are OK.

Polik · 30/07/2023 18:11

Now I need to deal with the rest..........
Shall I email the DSL and ask him to have a chat, or send him the screenshots directly?

Thinking purely from a workload perspective (since I'm one of the many DSLs who would deal with this kind of things in non-term time) I'd say email the screenshot straight away. Along with an explanation of how you discovered the chats and what you've done subsequently.

This would make it more efficient to deal with rather than first needing to speak to you, then waiting for the screenshots, then phoning the other child's parent and dealing with that side. If I had all the information from the outset, I can plan my time and triage better.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 22:47

Polik · 30/07/2023 18:11

Now I need to deal with the rest..........
Shall I email the DSL and ask him to have a chat, or send him the screenshots directly?

Thinking purely from a workload perspective (since I'm one of the many DSLs who would deal with this kind of things in non-term time) I'd say email the screenshot straight away. Along with an explanation of how you discovered the chats and what you've done subsequently.

This would make it more efficient to deal with rather than first needing to speak to you, then waiting for the screenshots, then phoning the other child's parent and dealing with that side. If I had all the information from the outset, I can plan my time and triage better.

many thanks

OP posts: