Innapropriate messages

[IamAporcupine]

DS is 11. He got his first phone only 2 months ago and was not bothered at all. Didn't even use it for a month, but he recently started chatting to his 'girlfried'. It went from zero to almost being glued to the phone.

Tonight I was installing an app and saw a message that looked odd, so I checked the conversation.

This girl has been sending him increasingly explicit messages. The last one being 'I want you to fuck me' and 'Cum in my mouth'.

I must admit we were extremely naive and did not set clear rules (eg checking messages etc) from the beginning, so he will probably feel that I invaded his privacy. I don't think I have any options really as this is totally inapropriate, but I am so shocked I do not know how to deal with it.

Has anyone been a similar situation?
This is not normal sexual development for an 11yo, is it?!

Not true at all, all school DSLs work in the holidays and have to act on safeguarding issues even in the holidaysz

Is that really a girl?

Yes, she is a 11yo from his class (starting Y7 in Sept)

Do DSL contact social services? The suicidal thoughts mentioned by the OPs Son makes me wonder if SS should be notified.
The tricky bit is that she's going to know this comes from your son.

😮 11 years old? Do you know her parents? That is horrific.

No. What's given here is not at a threshold for referral to social care.

From what's given here the girl also needs an educational chat, plus the offer of mental health support. This is only one half of the story though.

11, yes 😳

I actually met her mum last year at a sport day, but that's all.
She seemed nice.

In your experience, what might the other side of the story be?

The most likely is bravado/showing off: She's found memes she doesnt really understand but knows they are risky. Likewise she isnt likely saying "fuck me" in a literal sence that this is what she wants - but is saying it to sound grown up, show off.

Liklihood is parents aren't checking her phone enough, will be mortified, are in other ways being good enough parents amd this will be the wake up call they need to be more on it. DSL will offer a reminder about monitoring and discussing online safety, sexual development and unacceptable sexual behaviour towards others. Signpost to resources to help with these nexessary educational conversations. I'd also diary to talk to the child about it myself in Sept and do similar educational follow ups.

There is a chance there is more to it, but that's most likely.

There's also suicidal thoughts to deal with. Assuming this is a passing comment without intent, there would be an offer for mental health support.

I'd likely ask parents how they are feeling about dealing with her changing behaviour as she grows up. Talk about parenting support and courses on offer, offer an Early Help referral if they want one for this. If they don't, note file that Early Help was declined. If in the next year ish more issues arise I'd revisit the offer.

Bear in mind though that I'm secondary DSL. Primary may deal with it at a higher level. Incidents of unwanted sexual comments and online safety issues are fairly routine in my workload. Primary DSL may be proportionally more freaked out by it because its less common. Which reminds me - I'd email both the primary and secondary DSLs. Primary aren't going to be the ones who follow this up in Sept.

My friend had a very similar situation. Spoke to school and other parents. Deleted messaging apps. Went through phone with fine tooth comb. Took pictures of everything. Stopped all contact between the two.

Thanks for clarifying @Polik

Well, as it happens, after a month of non-stop texting him, culminating in her begging him to 'fuck her', today she dumped him because she likes someone else...

I know this is of course for the best, but I never saw him crying like this😢

Hugs. I would start take this to school. The poor girl needs someone to make sure everything is ok at home.

So this girl is now laughing at him, telling him he is dumb and causing issues with one of his friends. He is very upset, and confused, I imagine.

As if all of this was not enough, I went through his other chats yesterday and found that one of his friends said that he'd just lost his virginity to a 13 yo girl. 😳A cousin's friend allegedly. No idea if true or not, but even if false - is this again another 'show off' ?!

Should this be brought up too? Talk to the parents?
There are four boys in the chat.

I must admit I was not prepared for situations like this at this age, and I am finding it rather difficult.

It feels like this is leading into bullying territory. Would he be okay with blocking her? Can he speak to his friend and try sort it out in person? Maybe invite him over to play?

Did you get in contact with dsl? Would you be able to chat with them about sex being a big part of this group chat? They all seem too young for this but it will be what they’re hearing at school and will think it’s expected of them. It is not appropriate for their age group and I’d be tempted to speak to the other child’s mum but I would worry about the ramifications for your son.

How did the other boys respond to the news? What has your son said about it? Have you spoken to your son again but all this information? Could you ask
if this is something that comes up regularly in chats and what started it?

I went through his other chats yesterday and found that one of his friends said that he'd just lost his virginity to a 13 yo girl

That requires an urgent resource. Sexual interiors under 13 is illegal and requires the police.

Do not spread to anyone about this apart from DSL and police. Screenshot the message, email to DSL and also phone 101. Wbsure DS knows he absolutely must not discuss or refer to this at all - when police are involved confidentiality is very, very serious because can affect police enquiries.

It may well be bravado again, but that's not for you to ascertain, it's for police.

Sorry about typos above.

Regarding the hassle he's getting - as a parent my advise is to get him offline completely for a bit. Everything you have found says he's not ready to deal with or recognise risk, so he needs a pause-reset.

It's not usual for there to se peer relationship tensions across a wider group when a break-up happens. It most likely will blow over in a few weeks.

Younger children online become caught up in taking sides, making others take sides, and being visible in promoting who's on 'their side'. Work on his resilience, rising above, walking away. Come offline and support him to maintain friendships only offline - go out to play, have friends over, play lego/football/whatever.

I'd only mention this yo school if still ongoing in Sept - in which case its a head of year pastoral incident, not DSL.

It feels like this is leading into bullying territory. Would he be okay with blocking her?

I agree. Last night, the girl forwarded an audio message of this boy mocking my son. Luckily the phone was with me, and I deleted it straight away.

Can he speak to his friend and try sort it out in person? Maybe invite him over to play?

No, this is actually the same boy that I later found out said he'd had sex. I don't want him anywhere close.

Did you get in contact with dsl? Would you be able to chat with them about sex being a big part of this group chat? They all seem too young for this but it will be what they’re hearing at school and will think it’s expected of them. It is not appropriate for their age group and I’d be tempted to speak to the other child’s mum but I would worry about the ramifications for your son.

I'd already emailed the school asking for the contact details for the DSL.
And, do want to bring all this up, but I must admit I am very concerned about the ramifications for my son.

How did the other boys respond to the news? What has your son said about it? Have you spoken to your son again but all this information? Could you ask if this is something that comes up regularly in chats and what started it?

It was only one boy on-line at the time (it's a group of 4), who sounded quite shocked and did not believe him at first and kept asking him 'are you sure?' 'am I understanding this right?'. He even said, 'but we are 11!'. The reply was: 'XX lost his at 8'.

It was a long conversation, mixed with memes and videos, so it was hard to follow. It happened at night so my son must have seen it the following morning. No idea if he read it all or not, he did not mention anything.

I now read the full chat (it only started a few weeks ago) and that was the first time that something like this was mentioned.

Will the police get involved? I read somewhere that they don't?
I feel very uncomfortable about this, and worry about the repercussions.
I will talk to the DSL

Many thanks for the advise

Yes, I took his phone away. He was reluctant at first, asked once to send a couple of messages yesterday, but was much better today.
He's been out playing football, luckily we go on holiday soon.
I am trying to support him as much as I can

Sex under the age of 13 will always have police involvement. It's a mandated requirement placed on school. There is a clear line between sex over 13 and under 13. Children under 13 cannot consent under any circumstances.

It isn't for you (or the school) to decide if this message is true or not. It is for the police.

Remember that the child who wrote this message is the victim here, the one who needs safeguarding.

If it puts your mind at ease - almost certainly nothing will come from it. Police will visit the home and speak to the child. They will most likely deny, say they were making it up etc. Parents will be asked if they have any concerns. Assuming they don't and nothing is flagged, police will close.

It's important because there is a chance that it's true. If it is, sexual activity with a child under 13 is illegal and harmful. Those involved need keeping safe.

I hope you reported it to the school. If that was my daughter I would want it reported in order to protect her.

But it’s not for you to decide when it comes to safeguarding and vulnerable people. This girl needs protecting (as does your son). Next time she may say this to an older boy or a man and be in a dangerous situation. If this was my daughter I would want you to report or even though it’s embarrassing etc but I would want to know.