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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Dd won't stop screaming at everyone

122 replies

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 07:40

Every day from when she gets up carrying on the second she gets home from school and is god forbid asked to do something like pick her shoes up so they arent in the middle of a doorway so people can trip over them or put her clothes in the laundry basket.

Every time you turn around shes fucking about with something else making more mess/work for me to sort out rather than spending 5 seconds doing what she's been asked to do.

I work so when I ask for washing its because I have limited time to get it washed and dried and hung up. I simply cannot wait until she decides she can be arsed to stop screaming and faffing and give it to me.

She is making life miserable for everyone in the house. I've tried talking to her. Dd1 has tried talking to her. Her dad has tried talking to her. She behaves for him. Here she will just shout and scream all the fucking time. I stay calm and try not to feed the outburst but I swear the police are gonna turn up for noise disturbance soon.

Shes had her phone and screens removed because of her behaviour which has at times resulted in her physically grabbing me. She refuses to make the link that her behaviour has consequences. Blames everyone else and screams at everyone else because she didnt do her home work when asked to ( having wasted the time at homework club at school doing fuck all ) and I've told her that as its 9pm she's going to bed now not doing homework she's had since 3.00 to do.

I cant deal with her any more.

Anyone else's kid like this since starting high school? Anyone know a good priest? The teachers do not report any problems at school I've spoken to them at parents evening and met them at an open hour etc.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 12/05/2023 07:49

My DD1 is like this. She is autistic with a demand avoidant profile.

MichelleScarn · 12/05/2023 07:52

stargirl1701 · 12/05/2023 07:49

My DD1 is like this. She is autistic with a demand avoidant profile.

But she's fine when her dad asks her to do the same tasks?

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 07:55

She wasn't like this before high school. Its only been the last few months shes decided me and her sister are the enemy. I've caught her sneaking phone calls at 9pm at night. Telling her friends over the phone that I leave her for hours each day. ( shes 12 she should be able to be left alone between say 1 and 5 when her dad gets home im at fucking work not the pub)

Shes decided having her phone removed is abuse and she's gonna call the police on me. If she'd have behaved herself she'd have it but of course she is a victim rather than responsible for her actions.

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 12/05/2023 07:59

Shes decided having her phone removed is abuse and she's gonna call the police on me.

I'd let her! 😂

bellac11 · 12/05/2023 08:01

CharlotteStreetW1 · 12/05/2023 07:59

Shes decided having her phone removed is abuse and she's gonna call the police on me.

I'd let her! 😂

Absolutely

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:05

I cant stand the fucking entitlement that having consequences fir her behaviour amd losing her screams is equivalent to fucking abuse.

How hard is it to realise that if you frequently waste the afternoon not doing homework then you are simply not going to have your phone or the lap top you have for school because if you don't care about the homework then don't pretend u do now its 9pm.

OP posts:
Dustyourselfoff · 12/05/2023 08:05

I’m with you OP, I’m with you

Beamur · 12/05/2023 08:09

I think to a certain extent, you need to drop the rope.
Kick her shoes out of the way.
Put the washing on, with or without her laundry.
I'm trouble for not doing her homework? Shrug. Sympathise but don't point out it's her own fault.
Let her experience the consequences.
But, I wonder if she is also trying to get more from you? Complaining about you not being at home (unavoidable though it may be) could be an indication of that.
These years can be tricky but avoiding conflict at home makes for a more peaceful life for everyone. Teen brains are changing and it does make them a bit crap at sequencing tasks, time management and emotional regulation.
The fact that she's well behaved at school and enraged at home is sometimes a bit of a flag for potential ND, especially with teen girls. Give her time to decompress and unwind before you start asking her to do chores.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:10

Sending you some gin and wine dusty

You'll need it to deal with all the bullshit about getting kidnapped because you don't have your phone for the ten minute cycle to and from school alongside a main road at times where there are people who all have phones about.

I mean we all survived without mobiles ffs. In fact you are probably more likely to be mugged for your phone if you have one

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:17

Beamur · 12/05/2023 08:09

I think to a certain extent, you need to drop the rope.
Kick her shoes out of the way.
Put the washing on, with or without her laundry.
I'm trouble for not doing her homework? Shrug. Sympathise but don't point out it's her own fault.
Let her experience the consequences.
But, I wonder if she is also trying to get more from you? Complaining about you not being at home (unavoidable though it may be) could be an indication of that.
These years can be tricky but avoiding conflict at home makes for a more peaceful life for everyone. Teen brains are changing and it does make them a bit crap at sequencing tasks, time management and emotional regulation.
The fact that she's well behaved at school and enraged at home is sometimes a bit of a flag for potential ND, especially with teen girls. Give her time to decompress and unwind before you start asking her to do chores.

Its not just the shoes though. I only work part time im home plenty. She deliberately makes as much mess as she can.

A week ago I hung up all her clothes. They are now all on the wardrobe floor. Guess who gets screamed at when she cant find her school jumper. Because its been kicked about the bedroom floor somewhere .

She wanted an orange the other day. Great thats fine. Except she meant she wanted to make orange juice. 2 knives 2 chopping board a seive, a hand blender, a cup and a set of lolly moulds, juice and pulp all over the counter and a cup and straw going mouldy upstairs on her room.

Yet I'm in the wrong not wanting her to make more 🙄

OP posts:
BubblyBunchOfCoconuts · 12/05/2023 08:30

Remember you are the parent and make the rules.It doesn't matter how old she is,she is in your home.So you are still in charge. So decide if you want to be her friend, or do you want her to succeed in life and the future.
She's following your lead.
So are you comfortable with this?

FoxAndBeer · 12/05/2023 08:33

Sounds like you don't like her much. She's only ranting to let of steam, much like her mother on MN. Based on your posts maybe she feels that you are too impatient and not all that pleasant to be around either. I could be wrong of course.

Mums are always wrong in the eyes of their teens. We are the safe people they moan to when they're stressed. What you describe is fairly normal stuff with teens, if you think it's over the top, try and get close to her, don't punish her all the time, you are making yourself her enemy, which is very sad just as she needs her mum to be stable, strong and patient. There is literally no point whatsoever to get into an argument with your teen. Patient and kindness work better than judging her negatively and disciplining. Why don't you see how you can help her with her homework or her time management rather than banning her form using her phone? To me it sounds like you are the one winding her up.

Zeonlywayisup · 12/05/2023 08:35

Give her a bigger breakfast with you there and a snack after school with you there and tons of praise whenever she does get it right.

JFDIYOLO · 12/05/2023 08:37

Hormones are a bitch. Adolescents are going through mental and physical turmoil and it's tough for everyone - but nobody trains us how to run this phase of life. Parenting is sink or swim.

Stop picking up, hanging up, chasing up. If she doesn't have the clean thing or the finished homework and her room is a tip, let it be.

Consequences will then be for her to deal with.

The adolescent brain in a state of flux lives in the now and wants it NOW. Still childlike, coupled with the growing adult hormone flood, including testosterone in girls. Anger, aggression, inability to deal rationally with anything - it's not surprising.

Yes, she'll yell. You're the adult, who's been through it and out the other side and she'll get there too. This is a phase.

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/teen-temper-tantrums-3-steps-to-stop-the-screaming/

Teen Temper Tantrums: 6 Steps to Stop the Screaming

Teenage temper tantrums can leave parents feeling confused and even frightened. Here’s why teens throw tantrums and expert advice for dealing with them.

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/teen-temper-tantrums-3-steps-to-stop-the-screaming

hotdiggetydog · 12/05/2023 08:38

Sit down chat with her dad present

JFDIYOLO · 12/05/2023 08:38

PS - this seems like an odd question, but how old are you?

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:41

Why don't you see how you can help her with her homework or her time management rather than banning her form using her phone?

I am always offering to help with homework. She tells me she did it at her dads or she doesn't have any. The phone was a last resort. Her behaviour has always been worse on screens and she has a lazy eye the optician has advised reducing screen times to prevent further deterioration of the vision in her eye. If allowed her phone she will be all it for hours playing games and chatting to friends. Instead of following medical advice. Its not taken away for the fun of it. She cant stick within the limits set and kicks off for hours when told to come off them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:42

I'm 42

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:44

I did chat to her dad. One minute he's all "my house my rules " aka she can sit and play computer games and watch YouTube for hours alone in his bedroom.

The next hes telling her if she carries on she will have to live some where else. So thanks for that add another layer of what I have to talk to her and reassure her about..

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 12/05/2023 08:45

I don’t see any big crimes here… leaving her shoes in the hall - I do that and I’m in my 50s. Not hanging her stuff up - yep same. Wanting her phone to feel safe and calling her friends at 9pm? Normal. Experimenting making orange juice and making a mess? She’s a kid!

I think her screaming is a dramatic teenage version of communicating a frustration. You’re either constantly annoyed at her or leaving her. Try loving her and being nice to her. See what happens.

Beamur · 12/05/2023 08:50

Yet I'm in the wrong not wanting her to make more 🙄
Oh come on. I can see why you're clashing if this is your response.
You are in the wrong if you are dealing with the problem the same way (by shouting and self pity) and expecting a different response.
Carry on as you are and spend the next few years shouting at each other.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:54

I don’t see any big crimes here… leaving her shoes in the hall - I do that and I’m in my 50s. Not hanging her stuff up - yep same. Wanting her phone to feel safe and calling her friends at 9pm? Normal. Experimenting making orange juice and making a mess? She’s a kid!

Theres leaving shoes in the hallway then there's leaving them in the middle of the floor in the very small hallway and then running over them with her bike on her way out to go out with a friend. If you could see the number if things shes broken, expensive things too like right now shes broken her chromebook by dropping it off her bunk bed, because she just constantly leaves them every where rather than spend two seconds putting them out the way. She will stand on, kick, run over all this stuff with her bike and trip over it. She's 12 she should be in bed asleep at 9 o clock not phoning friends .

OP posts:
FoxAndBeer · 12/05/2023 08:54

I think her screaming is a dramatic teenage version of communicating a frustration. You’re either constantly annoyed at her or leaving her. Try loving her and being nice to her. See what happens.

I agree with this. I can understand why you feel exasperated OP if you have tried being helpful and supportive, it's a thankless task. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with work and teens, it's hard.

Your dd's dad is not helping at all with his inconsistent parenting. Can you try and get dd on side? Speak with her and say that you know that things can be confusing when she's at her dad's it's just the way he is and at the same time try your best to be patient and consistent in your own home. I really believe that being kind and understanding through gritted teeth is your only option so she knows you are her safe person as her dad seems useless. Keep her close OP, don't battle her, it's a difficult and sensitive age.

Do you feel you could be a better place yourself? Not to sound judgemental and horrible but if you need wine and gin to cope (or was this a joke to a pp?) then it's a lot better to get some anti depressants from the GP. Ignore if this does not apply.

Your dd needs, a stable calm and boundaried home. How can you get yourself to place of providing this despite her challenging behaviour? I'm sure you are doing the best you can but maybe you need a bit of support and help too to cope? Are the grandparent? Other relatives who can be there for and with you all?

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:57

We have a juicer in the cupboard she could use that. We made a cake together 2 days ago im.always trying to do stuff with her. We've cooked together for years. I let her do plenty.

OP posts:
Zeonlywayisup · 12/05/2023 08:57

Chatting to her friends isn’t going to hurt her eyesight. You are scrabbling to justify your perfectly reasonable feeling that less screen time would be better. Stick to the facts rather than trying to use them to justify your preferences.
you want her to like you but you are stopping her doing what she wants and don’t seem to like her particularly.

People stop doing what they want when something better is offered. Give her more fun things to do and she’ll forget the phone.