Dd won't stop screaming at everyone

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Every day from when she gets up carrying on the second she gets home from school and is god forbid asked to do something like pick her shoes up so they arent in the middle of a doorway so people can trip over them or put her clothes in the laundry basket.

Every time you turn around shes fucking about with something else making more mess/work for me to sort out rather than spending 5 seconds doing what she's been asked to do.

I work so when I ask for washing its because I have limited time to get it washed and dried and hung up. I simply cannot wait until she decides she can be arsed to stop screaming and faffing and give it to me.

She is making life miserable for everyone in the house. I've tried talking to her. Dd1 has tried talking to her. Her dad has tried talking to her. She behaves for him. Here she will just shout and scream all the fucking time. I stay calm and try not to feed the outburst but I swear the police are gonna turn up for noise disturbance soon.

Shes had her phone and screens removed because of her behaviour which has at times resulted in her physically grabbing me. She refuses to make the link that her behaviour has consequences. Blames everyone else and screams at everyone else because she didnt do her home work when asked to ( having wasted the time at homework club at school doing fuck all ) and I've told her that as its 9pm she's going to bed now not doing homework she's had since 3.00 to do.

I cant deal with her any more.

Anyone else's kid like this since starting high school? Anyone know a good priest? The teachers do not report any problems at school I've spoken to them at parents evening and met them at an open hour etc.

You mention that you're 42 ... I was 43 when I started perimenopause.

I know you won't want to hear that.

But it may be a powerful contributing factor to how you're feeling; a kind of reverse adolescence.

Daughter's puberty + mum's perimeno = 💥

I think you’ve got to wind all the way back to the starting point.

I expect she resents having to do chores. Perhaps her friends don’t have to do the same jobs and she’s pissed off you’re on her case over it. Is there anything linked to the chores that can be an incentive as opposed to loss of screens being the punishment? For example some people successfully link chores to pocket money.

I have primary aged children so I’m not there yet but they don’t get to go on a screen unless homework is completed. So to my mind the chore is the key to unlocking the ‘reward’ be it money/phone/computer etc.

She chats while playing a game with the friend on the phone so yes it involves staring at the screen. These calls are fir hours at the expense of doing her school work, even eating unless you remind her, and having a bath etc. Around a month ago she had a massive screeching match at her sister because she was on the phone rather than getting ready fir school then because she was running late as a result of sitting in her underwear on my bed not getting dressed not doing her teeth not packing her bag, her sister got both barrels because when she went to leg it out the door her sister was at the door first about to leave fir school herself.

She gets distracted on screens. This is the whole reason she's not allowed them until she's done her homework or had her bath because otherwise it will literally take her 3 hours to shower because she's up there doing everything but taking a shower.

Chores? I think people gave the wrong idea here. She literally just has to take a plate into the.kitchen when she's done, or put her clothes in the laundry basket when she gets ready fir bed or gets changed. She doesn't have to do much I assure you.

Op, download an App called Family Link.

It has set turn off times- that you set. If you tell the phone to switch off at 9pm, then it will. Every night. It will then click back on when you say.

She can sneak the phone all she likes- but it will still be off. You can also add your own age restrictions. If she wants to download an App above a certain age, she needs your permission. You can also ask it to count up the time spent on certain Apps- so if she has been on Insta for over a certain amount of time, it will turn off.

Its been brilliant for us- one day it said she had been on Insta for 4 hours. I asked her and she said that was probably right. I have now set the limit for 2 hours a day. Some of that is on the bus to school, which is fine.

Her dad already has her phone set up so she cant download any apps without approval. But I will download that app thank you that sounds really helpful. I dont want to have to keep taking things away but she cannot manage the time ( well she can be up and out the door in 15 mins if she gets a text from a friend) but she will take forever any other time because she faffs about with alexa or you find her on her phone or laptop instead of getting ready.

I try and leave her alone but last week we had a hospital appointment theres not always time to let her take this long which she will because if I go have a bath leaving her to get ready she won't even have changed her underwear by the time I get out.

Is she okay with her dad because he doesn’t have any rules?

ok my eldest was like this. This morning he has done three loads of washing and made me a cup of coffee before school without being asked so things can change.

I would say you are in a negative spiral. What i did is if they want spending money they have to do their jobs rather than take something away if they didn’t. My cleaner has a new job so i have said to the children they can have that money if they clean the house. My house has never been so clean and tidy! !

If he has had a meltdown i leave it and then i text. What was that about etc so you are trying ti understand them.

She sounds very like my youngest, I am nearly at the end of my tether with her. She is dyspraxic and I suspect autistic (she doesn't have a diagnosis but it's in the family and she ticks some of the boxes) so I try to be patient and understanding but sometimes it's really hard. She is also a terrible faffed and very forgetful but when I remind her about stuff she is so bloody rude! Anyway no help sorry but lots of sympathy.

Shes allowed to play computer games for hours plus he will shout at her if she mis behaves so she doesn't dare. i try really hard not to shout at her because I dont think it helps. My house isn't that strict. I mean the rules are reasonable. No phones/screens in bedrooms over night. Dont leave jour laptop in the middle of the floor cover it with clothes then run over it with your bike. That kinda thing

If she just wants to talk to her friends on her phone you could get her a dumb phone - one of the Nokias now newly on sale - and take away the smart phone with the screen?

We put our nightmare 12 year old on a family plan where have phone gets turned off automatically. It has taken the stress out of that element.

Does she care about her appearance at all? DD did the same shit for her washing so we just stopped washing it. We told her this would happen and when she had no clean clothes for school she had a complete meltdown which we ignored entirely. She's now much better at it. I know it's really really hard but try and completely to disengage from them. I read the book how to talk to teens so teens will listen and it really has helped.

Very similar story (and worse) here with my 13 year old. I second @Beamur 's advice of backing off a bit/disengaging from the battles. Sometimes it has the effect of getting DD to actually take responsibility. eg we had months/years of chivvying DD to get to school on time. I eventually said I'd had enough, and it was up to her. Now she mostly gets to school pretty much on time, and when she doesn't, the school pick her up on it, do it's not just me being the "bad guy".

And when my relative disengagement doesn't get DD to take responsibility, I'm still pouring less energy into the black hole of teenage warfare.

I've also been doing a fair bit of "love bombing": sending messages and leaving paper notes to say I love her/finding some sort of praise. I think this helps in the straightforward way of sprinkling a bit of love and happiness into a hard work relationship, but also because it's tangible "proof" to counter DD's claims that "I hate her and just want to make her life a misery" 🙄

Don't replace her chrome book cut the Internet off at a certain time if she is payg phone don't top it up until she stops screaming if she is contract put in restrictions you take it off her sometimes put parental controls on and password protect it

Don't bring your clothes down? Wear dirty ones
Don't do your homework? Take the punishment

I've been here with my son he refused homework he got punished at school said I don't care its not bad at all I pointed out the punishment gets higher each time including an after school detention he catches the bus so I said you will walk home im not getting you he said dad will get me (anything to undermine me) I said fine unless of course dad is working or busy with his girlfriend....he did the homework

I have a no shouting rule if he wants something he can ask if he has a problem he can speak if he yells I walk away and don't listen if he follows yelling I still won't listen I just repeat im not helping until you stop yelling

She behaves for dad, so u need to learn the skills so she behaves for u, see if u can get booked into a parenting course.

Unfortunately she needs the chromebook for school they do all the work in class on it. Shes currently got a loan.one because she broke hers. She literally leaves it on her bedroom floor or her bed where it falls off or "on charge" in the middle of the floor in the lounge so its trodden on or kicked.

The other day she was so angry because she was running late due to her own usual reasons of sneaking her phone/laptop instead of getting ready that she literally came storming into my room ready to start screaming about whatever. Except I was changing in front of the door so I took a handle to the back and because the door didn't open she threw herself against it. So now I have a big bruise on my back akd a broken door handle

OP, I have a daughter the same age, so I'm sending you solidarity. This age is hard! But it will pass. We have pretty firm time limits around screens which are absolutely non negotiable (3hrs per day for her phone, once it's gone that's it) and manage it using the Family Link app. If she hasn't done something I have asked her to (tidy away her things, put her washing out, do her homework) I simply lock her phone with the app until it's done. I don't argue with her or respond to the shouting.

No-one can help their feelings - frustration, anger, disappointment - and expressing them is normal, but behaviour is a choice. That goes for adults as well as teens, and I have learned to pick my battles.

It does pass. My 18yo was actually worse, but she's now a joy.

Are you and her dad still living together? I assumed not from some posts, but then some other posts I wasn’t sure

No we dont live together. Hence why I get the grief while trying to set reasonable limits on screens while he let's her play for hours. And she constantly screams at me that he pays fir the phone so I cant touch it.

So now I have a big bruise on my back akd a broken door handle

Yet I'm in the wrong not wanting her to make more

I cant deal with her any more

You are positioning yourself as your dd's victim OP, NO good can come from this.

You have to be the adult in charge. That's not achieved by handing our punishments but by emotionally feeling, knowing, acting and communicating in ways where you feel and get across that you are in charge. What were your own childhood and teen years like? Did you have parents that were available and had your back as well as boundaries? Dd you feel loved and like your parents took an interest? It's as if you are the child / sibling in this dynamic with your dd.

I mean we all survived without mobiles ffs.
That was a different era, depending on your age.

In fact you are probably more likely to be mugged for your phone if you have one
This is just not very likely.

Anyone know a good priest?
Not sure what you mean with this? Are you hoping a priest will speak to her?

I’m assuming the priest question was a joke about an exorcism 🤣

We have all spent hours trying to talk to her. We've set up charts to help her with time management. I give her all the time and space I can to allow her to calm down so we can talk about what is actually bothering her. I try and arrange fir us to do things together so we can spend some time together..I suggest allsorts but if its not gaming for hours in her underwear she's not interested

You not

Honestly I'd have gotten the wooden spoon if I behaved this way. I'm.a stubborn cow so I'd have sat all day on the naughty step if I had to.

Obviously I dont do that to dd. I work.in retail so I have alot of practice in staying calm and letting people scream at me until they get bored.

Op

Respectfully you need to take a massive step back from your daughter

She is a teenager and she is acting out

Your own anger, rage and attempts at discipline are not helping the situation

Firstly, give the child some space - stop complaining to her about every single thing

Pick your battles

Don’t talk to her if every single interaction is going to be a negative one. Nod, smile and ask how her day was

Stop getting so wound up

She is the child not you

I promise you she will come out the other side

Remove the phone from her possession at 9pm each evening and return at 8am

the breathe and chill