Page 3 | Dd won't stop screaming at everyone

SarahSmith2023 · 12/05/2023 10:02

Hormones- they're a bitch!!!

I would get her tested for autism.

'behaving' at her Dads & at school doesn't mean she can manage the same at home. She's likely used up all her energy managing that. Her Dad doesn't parent better, he just allows her to do as she pleases and yells back at her. Brilliant. Not.

still, girls are not having autism picked up early enough. If she had autism you can learn better ways of dealing with life. If she doesn't you can be consistent with other consequences & expected behaviour.

plus yeah, you need to look after yourself, so you have the energy & resiliance to cope x

MzHz · 12/05/2023 10:02

@Whatwouldscullydo i know you don’t want to shout, and I know it’s not a good thing to do all the time, but what if she’s pushing you until you snap so that she can then get upset and you reassure her

so perhaps snap. Show her she’s crossed a boundary and that it has to stop. Explain that you love her but you can’t have her behave like this. Ask her what’s behind all this.

my ds did this when he was little. I think it sounds like your dd isn’t handling high school as well as she’s saying she is.

she’s playing you off against her lax dad, that’s not ideal and if you explain to her that while it seems like it’s all good at his house that boundaries do help us and his way of dealing with it by shouting at her and telling her he’ll throw her out ISNT what good parenting is all about. Tell her you know how that makes her feel and you wouldn’t ever want her to feel that way.

choose a quiet time to speak to her. This is the time that our young people start to carve out their own lives and assert themselves. The more we clamp down, the more they’ll push so explain to her that you ARE on her side, but it’s a team and you have to work together and everyone gets to enjoy life more, more freedom, more stuff etc

Quitelikeit · 12/05/2023 10:04

Oh and I hope you don’t say ‘fuck’ to her as much as you do here

It is genuinely ok to not constantly interact and play happy families

Original poster

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 10:06

Of course I don't swear at her. I'm.talking to adults here presumably so I can say it. Id never talk to her like that

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/05/2023 10:07

Dont leave jour laptop in the middle of the floor cover it with clothes then run over it with your bike. That kinda thing

🤣🤣🤣

I really really feel for you. My kids are adults now but my daughter used to drive me absolutely bloody crazy.

AprilDrizzle · 12/05/2023 10:08

Don't rule out neurodiversity - just because you've not tackled this behaviour before. It's the age where girls in particular 'come undone'. They can cope up until a point then the hormones kick in, secondary school provides a whole host of issues and pressures on learning ramp up.

Really observe her and query what you see. Don't automatically presume it's down to being a teenager.

Dodgeitornot · 12/05/2023 10:10

I hate to be that person, but have you looked at ADHD? It very often doesn't show in girls until puberty.

Batgin · 12/05/2023 10:18

I can totally relate - I have a 12 year old DD, and I'm divorced from her dad (have been for years).

She is exactly like this, she also refuses to get out of bed and go to school, realises I can't physically force her. For all the people saying take a step back, we've tried that - it's resulted in broken doors, broken windows and her siblings terrified.

If we get her to school - we get picked up on her dirty clothes, if she misses school, we are again in trouble with the school, not her.

She refuses to bath, refuses to wash, bleeds on everything when she has her period, and wee's on the floor and her bed.

Following the 'it's our house, you follow our rules' with screentime etc - results in her being violent, breaking the house and hitting and kicking us.

I am currently recovering from a blood clot, likely caused by trauma from her attacking me.

Like you - she is not as bad as this when she is at her dad's... every proffessional we've talked to have said that with her autism and demand avoidence, it is just because it is us, not that we are doing anything wrong.

Has she been assessed? I'm sorry I don't have any solutions, but wanted to say you are not alone. All I'm hoping is that she will end up growing out of this...

Bimbom · 12/05/2023 10:19

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 08:54

I don’t see any big crimes here… leaving her shoes in the hall - I do that and I’m in my 50s. Not hanging her stuff up - yep same. Wanting her phone to feel safe and calling her friends at 9pm? Normal. Experimenting making orange juice and making a mess? She’s a kid!

Theres leaving shoes in the hallway then there's leaving them in the middle of the floor in the very small hallway and then running over them with her bike on her way out to go out with a friend. If you could see the number if things shes broken, expensive things too like right now shes broken her chromebook by dropping it off her bunk bed, because she just constantly leaves them every where rather than spend two seconds putting them out the way. She will stand on, kick, run over all this stuff with her bike and trip over it. She's 12 she should be in bed asleep at 9 o clock not phoning friends .

I have a 12yo DD. I have family link set up so her phone goes to downtime at 9:30 on a school night. Her and her friends are all regularly still messaging after 9. I'm not suggesting that your DD's bedtime should be later or anything, but just wanted to say that it's totally normal for them to still be on their phones at 9.

Seas164 · 12/05/2023 10:20

OP when you feel like screaming, why is that?

With me it's when I feel frustrated but mostly unheard. The issue is more with your relationship than her behaviour. She is a child, it sounds like you don't like her very much. She is not stupid, she can tell.

You as the adult are responsible for turning this round, her father sounds like he's trying to compensate but is oscillating and that's unhelpful for her too.

A little bit of empathy and understanding, being the adult here and the bigger person would go a long way.

Original poster

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 10:22

MzHz · 12/05/2023 10:02

@Whatwouldscullydo i know you don’t want to shout, and I know it’s not a good thing to do all the time, but what if she’s pushing you until you snap so that she can then get upset and you reassure her

so perhaps snap. Show her she’s crossed a boundary and that it has to stop. Explain that you love her but you can’t have her behave like this. Ask her what’s behind all this.

my ds did this when he was little. I think it sounds like your dd isn’t handling high school as well as she’s saying she is.

she’s playing you off against her lax dad, that’s not ideal and if you explain to her that while it seems like it’s all good at his house that boundaries do help us and his way of dealing with it by shouting at her and telling her he’ll throw her out ISNT what good parenting is all about. Tell her you know how that makes her feel and you wouldn’t ever want her to feel that way.

choose a quiet time to speak to her. This is the time that our young people start to carve out their own lives and assert themselves. The more we clamp down, the more they’ll push so explain to her that you ARE on her side, but it’s a team and you have to work together and everyone gets to enjoy life more, more freedom, more stuff etc

Funnily enough I.notice that in customers sometimes too. The lack.of retaliation/shouting back can make them more angry.

I do wonder what would happen if I completely lost it.

I do let most stuff slide. I keep quite and remove her knickers from the bathroom floor and try and be grateful if her clothes are around the Laundry basket as opposed to properly in it.

But there are limits in avoiding " negative " interactions and digging out blow torches to light candles at 6.45 am.has to be one of them I'm afraid.

I offered to make her pancakes fir breakfast the other morning and that warranted being screamed at too...

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 12/05/2023 10:22

Exactly what seas164 said

op honestly you sound angry

why the sarcasm? It’s reasonable to believe you swear and are v angry in RL - I’m imagining that anger directed at a young child

perhaps she is mirroring you slightly?

Quitelikeit · 12/05/2023 10:24

Well stop interacting with her!

And let the laundry slide

If it’s a reaction she is after then she sure knows where to find one?!

Stop rising to the bait?

don’t react

Quitelikeit · 12/05/2023 10:25

You are playing right into her hands?

Bimbom · 12/05/2023 10:25

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 09:54

We have all spent hours trying to talk to her. We've set up charts to help her with time management. I give her all the time and space I can to allow her to calm down so we can talk about what is actually bothering her. I try and arrange fir us to do things together so we can spend some time together..I suggest allsorts but if its not gaming for hours in her underwear she's not interested

I was also going to say spending small amounts of regular time together can be really helpful. Is gaming the only thing she enjoys, or is there anything else she might do with you for 10 minutes or so? If not could you join in with the gaming? DD and I used to play among us together, same game but on our own phones

MzHz · 12/05/2023 10:32

Quitelikeit · 12/05/2023 10:22

Exactly what seas164 said

op honestly you sound angry

why the sarcasm? It’s reasonable to believe you swear and are v angry in RL - I’m imagining that anger directed at a young child

perhaps she is mirroring you slightly?

What a crock of shit!

@Whatwouldscullydo sounds exasperated and I get it! My now teen has had his moments and sometimes snapping back WAS required!

the pancake thing would have sent me into orbit! “How dare you shout at me for offering to make you pancakes? Who do you think you are to shout at me? off to school now and when you’re ready to apologise, we’ll talk”

and off to school there and then, no breakfast? Not your problem.

Mariposista · 12/05/2023 10:33

You sound like you are really doing your best OP, and remember you have one very nice child, so don't blame yourself - you must have done something right for her to turn out ok!
I would totally ignore her when she goes off on one. Just take yourself to a different room and get on with something, total disconnection. Teach her that she has to use her words and a proper voice if she wants something. If she doesn't do her homework, tell the teacher you have no problem with her being kept in at break or for an after school detention. Remove the phone and any screens - she doesn't sound mature enough for them.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 12/05/2023 10:34

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/05/2023 07:40

Every day from when she gets up carrying on the second she gets home from school and is god forbid asked to do something like pick her shoes up so they arent in the middle of a doorway so people can trip over them or put her clothes in the laundry basket.

Every time you turn around shes fucking about with something else making more mess/work for me to sort out rather than spending 5 seconds doing what she's been asked to do.

I work so when I ask for washing its because I have limited time to get it washed and dried and hung up. I simply cannot wait until she decides she can be arsed to stop screaming and faffing and give it to me.

She is making life miserable for everyone in the house. I've tried talking to her. Dd1 has tried talking to her. Her dad has tried talking to her. She behaves for him. Here she will just shout and scream all the fucking time. I stay calm and try not to feed the outburst but I swear the police are gonna turn up for noise disturbance soon.

Shes had her phone and screens removed because of her behaviour which has at times resulted in her physically grabbing me. She refuses to make the link that her behaviour has consequences. Blames everyone else and screams at everyone else because she didnt do her home work when asked to ( having wasted the time at homework club at school doing fuck all ) and I've told her that as its 9pm she's going to bed now not doing homework she's had since 3.00 to do.

I cant deal with her any more.

Anyone else's kid like this since starting high school? Anyone know a good priest? The teachers do not report any problems at school I've spoken to them at parents evening and met them at an open hour etc.

That was me, could it be your daughter too?

Mischance · 12/05/2023 10:53

Anyone know a good priest? Well that is not going to help!

You sound very very angry - sadly that is not going to help. I know it is hard, but you need to stand back a bit and try and be a parent who is going to stay calm and be a rock for your DD. She cannot deal with her own emotions, so must not be asked to deal with yours as well. Do not engage in a slanging match with her - it is fuelling the fire and making the situation worse.

Count to 10 before you respond to these things. Ignore all that you can; be sparing with punishments (grounding, removal of phone etc.). She sounds as though she is rejecting you, but she isn't - she needs you, needs you very badly.

Pick your battles is a very sound piece of advice. It is very easy to become irritated when your DD ignores your wishes, but DD is doing this to get a response from you - you need to think about what the best response is - the one that will make your DD feel secure in this maelstrom of emotions that your DD does not know how to cope with.

Notamum12345577 · 12/05/2023 10:56

You said her dad would shout at her, so she wouldn’t dare misbehave. Maybe you need to should at her at times then?

StarbucksKaren · 12/05/2023 10:59

How long did she have her phone before starting secondary school?

Bimbom · 12/05/2023 11:01

Mischance · 12/05/2023 10:53

Anyone know a good priest? Well that is not going to help!

You sound very very angry - sadly that is not going to help. I know it is hard, but you need to stand back a bit and try and be a parent who is going to stay calm and be a rock for your DD. She cannot deal with her own emotions, so must not be asked to deal with yours as well. Do not engage in a slanging match with her - it is fuelling the fire and making the situation worse.

Count to 10 before you respond to these things. Ignore all that you can; be sparing with punishments (grounding, removal of phone etc.). She sounds as though she is rejecting you, but she isn't - she needs you, needs you very badly.

Pick your battles is a very sound piece of advice. It is very easy to become irritated when your DD ignores your wishes, but DD is doing this to get a response from you - you need to think about what the best response is - the one that will make your DD feel secure in this maelstrom of emotions that your DD does not know how to cope with.

Yes, agree with picking your battles.

We have a lot of screaming and swearing from our 12yo but she is autistic and struggles with regulating her emotions. As much as possible we try to ignore the challenging behaviour and focus on praising the good and also the neutral (ie things you would expect for her to do.) Since we started doing this it made an almost immediate difference actually. Try it for a week and see what happens.

Quitelikeit · 12/05/2023 11:08

MZHZ

if the bloody adult can’t regulate her own emotions then her child certainly won’t be able to!!!

and we are not talking about one bloody incident are we? We are talking about multiple incidents in a day !!!!

You and the op sound similar in your reactions going by your post!!!

namechange3394 · 12/05/2023 11:14

I have autism and ADHD and I'm sure I was like this as a teenager (I still am to some extent now). It's worth considering.

Seas164 · 12/05/2023 11:14

Notamum12345577 · 12/05/2023 10:56

You said her dad would shout at her, so she wouldn’t dare misbehave. Maybe you need to should at her at times then?

Why don't they all start screaming and shouting at each other?

Because some of them are adults and should know this won't work. The trick with parenting children is not to join in, it's to be an adult.