Dd won't stop screaming at everyone

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Every day from when she gets up carrying on the second she gets home from school and is god forbid asked to do something like pick her shoes up so they arent in the middle of a doorway so people can trip over them or put her clothes in the laundry basket.

Every time you turn around shes fucking about with something else making more mess/work for me to sort out rather than spending 5 seconds doing what she's been asked to do.

I work so when I ask for washing its because I have limited time to get it washed and dried and hung up. I simply cannot wait until she decides she can be arsed to stop screaming and faffing and give it to me.

She is making life miserable for everyone in the house. I've tried talking to her. Dd1 has tried talking to her. Her dad has tried talking to her. She behaves for him. Here she will just shout and scream all the fucking time. I stay calm and try not to feed the outburst but I swear the police are gonna turn up for noise disturbance soon.

Shes had her phone and screens removed because of her behaviour which has at times resulted in her physically grabbing me. She refuses to make the link that her behaviour has consequences. Blames everyone else and screams at everyone else because she didnt do her home work when asked to ( having wasted the time at homework club at school doing fuck all ) and I've told her that as its 9pm she's going to bed now not doing homework she's had since 3.00 to do.

I cant deal with her any more.

Anyone else's kid like this since starting high school? Anyone know a good priest? The teachers do not report any problems at school I've spoken to them at parents evening and met them at an open hour etc.

Bloody hell, you can't even come on here and vent anymore without people going on about language and you sounding angry 🙄

She sounds like a right pita op, I have a similar male version here

I'd take phone/cromebook out her room at night and ignore all the screaming, just done react to it at all . Anything she breaks don't replace . ignore how she keeps her room , not worth the arguing, same as laundry not being in the basket, ignore for the time being

Bashing her way into your room is unacceptable, if one of mine had done that and hurt me damn right I'd have shouted at them

@Whatwouldscullydo
Everything you have said sounds reasonable.
I'm going through exact same thing with my daughter who is the same age.
Its horrendous.
Last night was a major battle.
I am also 42. I don't think it's anything to do with our hormones.
I just want my daughter to have a bit of respect. It is so hard.
I'm actually going to go on a teenage parenting course because I've got to find a way to solve it.
I do remember some one saying to me about 'picking your battles' which I really do try and do.

I also remember me being a teenage and my dad 'nagging me'. I could never understand what his problem was. Now I can see it from his point of view. But I guess it's because we are not teenagers anymore that we struggle to understand where they are coming from.

Just to let you know I hear you and sending you lots of 'deep breaths and it will be okay' wishes!

Thanks makes

Yes I'm just venting. I have a sarcastic and self deprecating sense of humour its just how I am. So yes I'll joke about a priest or getting too drunk to care what the kids do. Its not to he taken literally.

If I can just clear up that she's not overloaded with chores or sent up chimneys nor do I scream and shout at her. Only on MN is it unreasonable to not turn a blind eye to dangerous or stupid behaviour that results in.expensive items being broken because the negative interaction is far worse than me having to spend 400 pounds as a single mum on another one which I'm.assuming i would then have to let her drop off her bed so not to have her think I dont like her.

Shes not expected to do much. I also don't think coming home late at night and having to wash up multiple items and clean orange pulp off every surface in the kitchen is very fair on me either. Not when all u need is a knife the juicer in the cupboard and a glass. Since when is picking up hair dirty knickers off the lounge floor too much?

I know you say that the behaviour is only with you and not with her dad or at school, however as PP have said, it is likely she is behaving this way with you because she feels most comfortable and able to do so with you. We have had a similar problem with our DD13 whose behaviour suddenly changed at the start of Y8 and it turns out after months of not knowing what had caused it that she is being bullied at school for all this time. Is there any possibility that bullying might be the cause of your DDs behaviour too? Have you had any access to her phone to see if there is any evidence of cyber bullying?

why the sarcasm?

Just in case there is lots of sarcasm in your RL OP, try and rigorously swap it with empathy and seeing things from her perspective, feeling for her and loving her despite being tricky. ND has been mentioned, so that's something to look into, how is she doing academically? Could you convince her to do some clubs at school or out of school?

I'd also say that when they act up and are utterly unreasonable and rude, a good old shouty telling off is perfectly ok from time to time as long as it's followed by a loving conversation about the actual issues. Keeping calm and neutral when there is conflict doesn't work for all people. It can be read as a lack of interest, care and love.

She already does clubs every day after school. Theres a homework club she often attends which I was thrilled about at first because I know what battles homework can bring so the chance to get it out the way at school and then be able to relax at home seemed like a dream come true. Except she wastes the whole time doing nothing and then screams at me when I tell her its time to go to bed because she suddenly produces this work she has to do which she didn't even say she had and then everyone's made to pay for it.

I wouldnt know whats going on at school because she hasn't told me of anything despite me attempting on a daily basis to just check in and chat and see how her day was.

Shes set up face recognition on her phone so I can't get into it but I've left that for her dad to sort out and check because it's at his house now after I told him to keep hold of it as shes not having it back until she can behave.

Hearing zero perception that you're part of the issue and your responses are fairly teenage OP, I can see how things have degenerated.

You need to take responsibility for the situation, because she is a child. The issue is deeper than oranges and knickers.

So I stay calm and try and talk to her and thats wrong.

But screaming and shouting is wrong too?

I've tried timers and charts and suggestions of preparing everything the night before but she refuses.

I should not take her screens even though she kicks off the second shes asked to put them down to join the family for a meal or I dunno , shower ?

I shouldn't expect her to clear up after herself and let her keep broken mouldy cups and plates upstairs?

Being frustrated on here isnt allowed because it automatically means I'm swearing amd shouting at her at home?

And her dad allowing her to sit alone for hours playing computer games despite what the opticians said is him trying to counteract my unreasonable demands and not just lazy parenting?

Really ?

I've tried everything to talk to her and help her and all I get is stuff thrown at me. Screamed at. And bruises.

then everyone's made to pay for it.

So, you are venting on this thread. Has anything that has been suggested to you been helpful at all? You sound incredibly resigned. Could you be depressed?

your responses are fairly teenage OP
I'm sorry but I agree wit this. It doesn't seem like a parent /teen dynamic but a teen/teen dynamic. You get this when your own upbringing lacked warmth and stability. OP you said, you'd have been give the wooden spoon if you had behaved like your daughter. I hope this isn't true. You need to get out of your passive victim-of-your-teen mentality and take charge, accept that difficult and irrational behaviour is par of the course with teens.

It's hard, we know, teens can be totally unreasonable. Your comment then everyone's made to pay for it suggests that your dd is the villain and you and her sibling the victims in your family dynamics. Carry on with this attitude and it will get a lot worse.

Op

Stop trying to talk to her about what you see as issues

ditch the timers and charts

chill out, stop trying to control her behaviour and punishing her for it when you can’t get the response you want

you are stressing yourself and her out

she doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t want you to shout, she just wants to be a teenager. Give her a break, like I said smile, nod be civil

but back off for all of your sakes

stop making every interaction a negative one

just take the weekend off parenting if you like

Geez I'm not depressed because I find her behaviour difficult. I challenge anyone to not get a bit annoyed at some of this stuff. And when she's physically attacking me or her sister because its bed time amd she's been on you tube instead of doing her homework then id say that yeah we do pay for it just a little bit.

And of course it is very telling the way someone comes across in their posts - maybe you don’t realise how you come across in real life - quite threatening I imagine

Don’t fret over the homework - if she doesn’t do it then she is the one who can take the flak from the teacher

you said they havd no issues with her so just let it go?!

im sure they’ll contact you if needs be

That's the problem. She shouts and screams about getting detentions. But she doesn't register that she's had 6 hours to do home work and chose not to. She shouts and screams and attacks me because its bed time and the screens are now downstairs and irs my fault of she gets a detention.

What will you do to tackle the situation, OP? Has anything on this thread been helpful?

Do you want this to change or not?

OP, are you absolutely sure it's school friends she's talking to so much? And when she starts screaming at you, does she then storm out of the house on her bike / whatever?

I was a fucking awful teenager. Constantly rowing and yelling at my parents. Over literally nothing.

I mean, I was hormonal as hell, and it was like an out of body experience sometimes hearing utter crap come out of my mouth, no idea what I was about to say next.

But I had fallen in with a very bad crowd, was being groomed and abused, and was engineering rows to allow me to storm off to meet people I shouldn't have been within 50 miles of, let alone getting in cars with.

I was also being bullied, and so manufactured a most unnatural outer shell of 'don't give a fuck ness' and 'offense being the best defense' which didn't work at all, but made me desperately unhappy and really bloody angry at the world.

Yes I know who she's talking to. I know the mums too.

Her behaviour is worse on the phone she will scream if I accidentally disturb her

Perhaps she could live with her Dad

What the dad who told her if she keeps up she will have to go elsewhere?

Who already ignores opticians advice and let's her game for hours

I get where you're at OP. I have a 13yr old still going there and a 9yr old just starting. Fortunately they don't have a second home to play off with.

I find the most powerful tool is to simply not rise to it - as damn difficult as that is sometimes. (I end up getting mad with myself that I've let her goad me again!)

The family link app is very helpful. You can control all her android devices through it so chrome book too. You can block certain apps (YouTube etc) too, as well as giving her a set amount of time on each device, and a shut down bedtime. And I'd say if dad doesn't agree to putting the app on the phone and sharing the controls (you can have 2 adults in a family group) then the phone isn't allowed in your house so will have to stay at his.

The laptop I would leave her with the loan one for this term. And then set her up with jobs to do to earn the new one for September. Dad doesn't think that's fair? He can pay can't he?

Anyway solidarity and good luck OP!

Op my dd is 9 but has started puberty early. She was already full on because she is autistic and has adhd but that’s by the by here. Once hormones kicked in she switched overnight and became an angry tyrant. The screaming for literally no reason nearly sent me over the edge. I too joked to my colleagues and dh that we need an exorcism. She wakes up screaming and goes to bed screaming. It’s enough to drive a saint to murder. No one can put up with that. Your cortisol levels must be through the roof, I know mine are.
luckily my dd is carful with her laptop and does not break things but she’s the same in that she won’t tidy up, put her clothes away, makes mess, is disorganised, leaves tasks till the last minute then screams about it etc etc it’s always my fault. I’m absolutely here with you. I told my friend the other day that il don’t think I can do many more months, even years of this.
What I will say op is that your parenting will be blamed on here. I don’t know you so obviously it could be that but I doubt it. As it happens I run parenting classes and I work assessing parenting every day. I dish out parenting advice daily, yet here I am firefighting day in day out with my own dd. Trust me I have done it all with her, she’s had consistent parenting but some pre teens are beyond that.

The biggest thing for me in all this and what I want to share is that my dd as I said above is autistic and has adhd. What you have described really points to adhd for your dd. I was very similar as a teen, I was undiagnosed and nearly caused my poor mum a break down. I was diagnosed as an adult and it was light a lightbulb moment. Your dd sounds very much like me and like my dd. The teen years are when it really kicks in.
If your dd has adhd she literally cannot be organised, manage her schedule and tidy up etc etc without bespoke strategies and a different sort of parenting. Her anger will be through fear, confusion and frustration, she cannot regulate and help it. People with adhd have to learn through different strategies how to regulate and it can take years and years. I was well into adulthood before I could manage my emotions in an affective way. I would become very overwhelmed and want to hide under the duvet. Your dd will be in a constant state of fight or flight and at the moment she is choosing (subconsciously) fight. Again she can’t help it and needs the correct tools to do so. I still have periods of almost constant fight or flight but I choose flight. It’s very hard for an adult never mind a child.

This is coming from a place of support but adhd and autism are genetic and through your responses I wouldn’t be surprised if you have adhd yourself but have fallen through the net as many girls did in the 80s and still do unfortunately.

Just because your dd can dd can manage at school and dads does not discount this. It’s very very common. School describe my dd as a model pupil.
It’s also very common for adhd not to really show up in girls until puberty.

Regardless, pre teens and teens are a nightmare and it’s ok to say that and to make jokes, be sarcastic and rant about that. Only on mn are you expected to be perfect Peter.

Yepp.... sarcastic.

Op, if you want to change your family life:
Get your dd assessed for ADHD or autism.
Ditch the sarcasm, be self aware and learn to communicate constructively.
Ditch the victim mentality.

I definitely don't have adhd. I am 100 percent sure if that. She shares similar traits to her dad. Gets angry easily. Possibly dyslexic although not diagnosed. Primary school ( and us) worked alot with her on reading writing spelling etc. I never wanted to let her get into gaming because of the risk of online.grooming etc but she's good at it and enjoys it and that overrode my concerns because she enjoys coding and gaming. The charts etc were actually at her agreement her sister helped draw them up because dd2 was getting quite stressed remembering to do everything but simultaneously kicked off if reminded. But she stopped using them and went back to wasting so much time mucking around on her phone then stressing cos she was gonna be late leaving because she wasn't ready.

I am definitely going to.keep an eye out more and I've downloaded the app so I'll hook that up to the chromebook later.