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Preteens

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Original poster

DD getting horribly bullied online by ex-best friend, what actions should I take?

106 replies

HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:30

For context, DD has always been more of a 'follower' type of girl and for some reason, has always friends who use her and then, act really nasty. But this particular incident is a first time for all of us.She was crying non-stop yesterday. DD, 11 y/o, has moved into secondary, but tried hard to keep in contact with her previous mates from primary, who apparently dont want anything to do with her. So, after some exchanges, this primary friend of hers decided to create a group on snapchat adding various kids, many of them who don't even know DD nor does she know them, and started writing the most nasty-est things I have literally ever read. Swearing at her, and mentioning things like 'fatherless shag', I mean absolutely awful. Things that I could not believe have come out of an 11 year old child, but there you go. And distributing her picture, which she shared with her a long time ago, talking about how ugly she is to people DD doesn't even know!It's absolutely horrible and I don't even know what to do. We have blocked them all, but chcked this morning and she is still being added in yet another group where the girl is mentioning her again. On top of that, she has threatened her that she'll knock on DD's door and beat her up. I don't want to take that as a joke as there have been some incidents around us where girls have beaten up one of their friends, and I'm so so scared. Husband is thinking of maybe taking some legal action, but I have no idea which is the best course of action.Should I just mention on the group that I'm the parent who's talking and if they don't stop, legal action will be taken? Or should we just ignore them? And what about safety issues for DD? I have been telling her in the past few days that she can come alone from her school, but now I'm scared and I will have to pick her up as well as not let her hang out alone outside. It's just horrible.Any help or advice very much appreciated!!!

OP posts:
Spudina · 14/10/2022 12:38

That sounds so horrid. Sorry no real advice, but others will come along with some. What are the parents of the other child like? Could you speak to them? If my DD was doing this I would be livid. I do think threats are potentially a police matter.

CaptainBarbosa · 14/10/2022 12:40

Take screen shots, tell the school that horrible girl attends and give them the screen shots. Leave it with them then.

I'd remove Snapchat/WhatsApp from your 11 year olds phone to let it all die down. Or if you don't want to remove, set her up new accounts with new name/number so she can't be contacted by them again.

But this is the reason I won't allow messaging and social media platforms on DS's devices. They get no break from peers when their phone is pinging inside/outside school all the time. I'm lucky as I'm not a big social media user so DS has modelled lacking interest in it all right now.

Aworldofmyown · 14/10/2022 12:43

You need to speak to the police. The school won't help as it's "not on their time"
Call them now, 111. Screenshot all groups and messages.

Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:44

@CaptainBarbosa I was thinking about that, or going to confront her parents. But I'm not sure if that would escalate things and put DD in a more vulnerable position (e.g., the other girl gets more hyper and actually decides to harm her or something)? I have tried to block her, but the group keeps coming up again, and I have no idea how to stop it.I was thinking of shutting down her social media, but DD gets upset as most of her new friends are on there, so I've changed number and name.

OP posts:
DPotter · 14/10/2022 12:46

I'm with Aworldofmyown - screenshot everything and straight on the the police. It's not just the nasty words but your DD is being threatened with physical violence and that is serious

EweCee · 14/10/2022 12:46

Yes, screenshot immediately before they are deleted and straight to the police.

Agree with restricting all social media and refocusing attention on family activities/ outdoor/ fun things - distraction and resilience building for your DD.

Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:46

@Aworldofmyown I'm only worried things would get more complicated and not solve anything upon calling the police.What if that makes a huge negative impact on DD? And what if the kid reverse it making up lies and whatnot? What could we do then?

OP posts:
CaptainBarbosa · 14/10/2022 12:47

Yeah just set up new accounts. Give her a new e-mail address, a new mobile phone number and then she can start fresh adding only her new friends.

The other lot can just continue adding a dead number to groups then and DD won't see.

Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:49

And what if DD gets scared and is unable to answer any questions the police might have? We havent dealt with anything like this before, so I'm not sure how this might go

OP posts:
MintChocCornetto · 14/10/2022 12:52

Screenshot and speak to pastoral at the school the horrible child attends

Try and get names of the kids - I'm sure most of them will also be at this school

The school will be interested if they are a decent school. Online bullying is a big deal currently.

jannier · 14/10/2022 12:52

DPotter · 14/10/2022 12:46

I'm with Aworldofmyown - screenshot everything and straight on the the police. It's not just the nasty words but your DD is being threatened with physical violence and that is serious

This

jannier · 14/10/2022 12:53

HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:49

And what if DD gets scared and is unable to answer any questions the police might have? We havent dealt with anything like this before, so I'm not sure how this might go

The police are sensitive to it and your with her.

DenholmElliot1 · 14/10/2022 12:54

CaptainBarbosa · 14/10/2022 12:47

Yeah just set up new accounts. Give her a new e-mail address, a new mobile phone number and then she can start fresh adding only her new friends.

The other lot can just continue adding a dead number to groups then and DD won't see.

I agree with this approach

Also, ignore ignore ignore. Bullies get off on getting a response, they enjoy it, it's partly why they do what they do. Ignoring them makes them go away faster, although to be fair they ususally just move on to someone else.

Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:54

So should we call the police on the basis of cyberbullying and potential threats of violence by a minor?

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:55

@DenholmElliot1 That's the thing. I'm not sure if we should just ignore them and they'd go pick up a fight with someone else, or call the police if they might decide to gang up on her maybe physically as well?

OP posts:
RyanYESorNO · 14/10/2022 12:56

Screen shot everything.

Show the school. They WILL do something. Doesn't matter that it's not on their time, it is a massive issue between two or more of their pupils and it will have an impact on your DD's education and her experiences in school.

Me- yes I would reply to the messages telling them who you are and that their disgusting messages have been saved and will be passed on to the police for harrasment if they do not immediately stop.

Me- I wouldn't contact the parents directly at this point. You never know who you will be dealing with. The school should inform the parents.

Give your DD lots of emotional support whilst also explaining that it's very common for friendships to fall apart on moving to secondary, but that this is not acceptable from her ex-friend. Support her in deleting any accounts, blocking, etc, and suggest leaving phone downstairs at night if this is not something that you do already. I really really wouldn't do anything that DD could interpret as a punishment, such as banning certain apps, taking phone away at night if she's so far been allowed it in her room, etc, because she will then feel unfairly punished for the other girl's actions and may not be as forthcoming with further issues or other things that arise as she gets older. This is a really really common reason why children/ teens don't tell their parents about online bullying- they say their parents will just take away their devices.

outtheshowernow · 14/10/2022 12:56

I didn't read all of it but just delete snap chat off her phone 11 yr old should not be having any of that anyway

Sweettea89 · 14/10/2022 12:58

I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter. I would change her number, change her Snapchat.

Do they attend the same school? As you've said she's trued to keep in contact with her primary school friends?

Do you know the mum? I would send the mum screenshots and ask her to nip it in the bud or you will be calling the police.

Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 12:59

@RyanYESorNO I have thought of reporting to the other girl's school, but what if that makes them even angrier and they decide to bully her even more, either by ganging up on her through some online format or physically?I don't want it to be too late when we intervene, if anything like that, God forbid, were to happen to our DD.

OP posts:
DPotter · 14/10/2022 12:59

Hannah

Take a deep breathe.

Your DD is being bullied & physically threatened on her phone. There are laws, actual laws against this. She is already scared and it sounds like you are as well.

Don't approach the parents - some may be reasonable, others not.
Don't approach the school where these other girls go - waste of your time
Do advise your DD's school so they can keep an eye on her
Screen shot the messages and groups
Do not engage on the whatsapp group
delete your DD's account - she won't like it - but you are the parent and sometimes parents have to take decisions their children don't like
get your DD a new sim card - so she can still contact her friends. But steer clear of whatsapp at least for a while - someone in her friendship group may know someone from the bullying groups.
but most of all - contact the police.

Do it today

we'll be here to help and support you.

Aworldofmyown · 14/10/2022 13:00

Will you call the police if she is physically harmed?
This girl is 11, a strong word from the police could be enough to nip this in the bud for good. And for any other poor teens she thinks about bullying.
The fact your daughter is in a different school is good, I also agree with a number change and removing all social media. No one can get to her then.

PortiasBiscuit · 14/10/2022 13:00

Yep, police!
Scare the willies out of these little shits!

Original poster
HannahTone · 14/10/2022 13:00

@Sweettea89 No, they go to different schools.I would report to mum, but unsure if this would escalate things. Also, from what I've observed, her parents dont seem to care much about these issues (she doesnt even let them speak), so not sure if that would help.

OP posts:
Concerned3 · 14/10/2022 13:01

Could you silently monitor the number rather than block?

They may be saying things that are actual threats, if you have a record of a number of those, that may be important evidence that could help any case you may need to make for school/ police to intervene.

It could also demo strate the issue is ongoing, which again might make it easier to get others to act. Intervention is probably needed now, and may certainly be needed if things escalate.

Seek advice on whether there is a preferable approach to screenshots (possibly you could forward IF that's not visible to anyone else on the group?) so it's easier to prove the messages are genuine & who they are from.

Good luck

DPotter · 14/10/2022 13:02

You're in danger of panicking yourself into in-action, with your mind racing in all directions.

take that deep breath

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