DD getting horribly bullied online by ex-best friend, what actions should I take?

[HannahTone]

For context, DD has always been more of a 'follower' type of girl and for some reason, has always friends who use her and then, act really nasty. But this particular incident is a first time for all of us.She was crying non-stop yesterday. DD, 11 y/o, has moved into secondary, but tried hard to keep in contact with her previous mates from primary, who apparently dont want anything to do with her. So, after some exchanges, this primary friend of hers decided to create a group on snapchat adding various kids, many of them who don't even know DD nor does she know them, and started writing the most nasty-est things I have literally ever read. Swearing at her, and mentioning things like 'fatherless shag', I mean absolutely awful. Things that I could not believe have come out of an 11 year old child, but there you go. And distributing her picture, which she shared with her a long time ago, talking about how ugly she is to people DD doesn't even know!It's absolutely horrible and I don't even know what to do. We have blocked them all, but chcked this morning and she is still being added in yet another group where the girl is mentioning her again. On top of that, she has threatened her that she'll knock on DD's door and beat her up. I don't want to take that as a joke as there have been some incidents around us where girls have beaten up one of their friends, and I'm so so scared. Husband is thinking of maybe taking some legal action, but I have no idea which is the best course of action.Should I just mention on the group that I'm the parent who's talking and if they don't stop, legal action will be taken? Or should we just ignore them? And what about safety issues for DD? I have been telling her in the past few days that she can come alone from her school, but now I'm scared and I will have to pick her up as well as not let her hang out alone outside. It's just horrible.Any help or advice very much appreciated!!!

I've been there for ish this.

Screenshot everything. Take it to the school. Speak to the police. Come down on this like a ton of bricks and fast. My child ended up with anorexia and hideous mental health issues. Don't let this happen. If they're like this at that age, where does it stop? Squash them

Sorry. I hadn't realised they were at different schools. I can't imagine many 11 year olds would continue this after having even threats of you going to the police.

If you really think that physical violence may be a possibility, I'd go to the police now with screen shots - do you have screen shots? And then just for the short term, do what you can to make sure DD is accompanied as much as possible. E.G inviting new friends to your house.

I'd go to the police straight away. I think they will deal with it quickly (I know someone who was involved with similar). The kids are doing this because they think they can get away with it.

@DPotter Thank you for your reassurance, much appreciated.I just dont know what to expect from the police. Will they refer her name when speaking to the other girl, I just dont want this to escalate even further, thats all.So thats why I though if we maybe ignore it and only report it to the school, it might help? Maybe we could monitor the snapchat and if anymore threats come in, then contact the police?

Just change her number and Snapchat in that case because they will get bored and move on.
I would however take her to and from school for a month or so to make sure they don't tempt to bump into her.

Honestly I think after a month the girl will forget and move on to her next victim. They love the adrenaline of drama and the less there is, the quicker they move on.

@mewkins can you share what the police did in the case of the person you knew who was involved in a similar case, and whether that helped?

1. Screenshot as much evidence as you can.
2. Pull your DD out of that school immediately, today; her career there is not salvageable and she is in danger.
3. Pass all the evidence to the school in writing and say that what began as school time bullying has escalated into criminal threats, partly because of the school’s failure to end the initial bullying, and you want the perpetrators sanctioned and that you require a written response, and that all rights are reserved as against the school.
4. Comment on the snapchat/wattsapp groups that you are the parent, that they are all over age ten and thus old enough to be arrested, that making threats of violence is a criminal offence and they are all being reported to the police as well as to the school. Suggest they consider whether their ego trip is worth running the risk of having a criminal record for life.
5. Report to the police, with physical copies of the messages, and remind them that this kind of abuse is how the assaults against Abbie Jarvis and other such children began, and ask what they are going to do about it? Will they enforce the law against these children, and if not, why not?

You’re obviously unaware of “patterning” 😭

Honestly, I know that people are coming from what they think is the right place by saying delete her WhatsApp and that 11 years shouldn't have snap chat. But the reality is that they do. The very best you (and I mean a general 'you' not just targeted at OP) is to allow it in a very open way.

If you go for the approach of not allowing your child to have WhatsApp or Snapchat, all you will do is create resentment that they are excluded from their friendships and they will be secretive in the future. When the next whatever-app comes out that you don't know about, they won't tell you about it because they know it will be banned, and then when there's something on there that upsets them, they won't tell you because you'll delete the app.

As a teacher, I have had time and time and time again where we've found out about absolutely hideous things being said on group chats. We've only found out when that one child on the group who has an open and honest relation ship with their parents about what is said on the app has gone to their parents and has come to us. When we question the other 30 children in the group (including the child being horrifically bullied) every single one has said that they were appauled by what was being said but they didn't tell anyone because their parents would delete the the app or take away their phone.

And yes you could argue that deleting the app or not allowing a phone would mean that they never encounter the bullying in the first place. But social media is a huge part of life for age 11+ whether we like it or not. That child will be on the outside of social groups if their friends interact over WhatsApp, arrange meet ups, etc. Imagine if your partner or boss banned you from WhatsApp or Facebook groups. Much better to teach them how to navigate it. And from the sounds of it the OP is doing an amazing job with DD as she's come to her and been open about it.

Thing is THEY can make all the allegations they want if you have screenshot and physical EVIDENCE of what they are doing the police are more likely to believe you over words out of a teens mouth

A) Take screen shots.
B) Contact her parents (and they parents of the other kids) and be very honest.
C) Contact your DD's school and let them know.
D) Contact the school this horrible girl goes too.
E) You absolutely should contact the police and report every little message and every little shit involved.

Your DD needs you supporting her, leading her and protecting her. Not worrying about kids who are really upsetting her.

Get busy this afternoon.

As am I! What is it?

Speak to the bullies school first, and of you feel no action is being taken you can escalate to the police.

But I'd give the school a chance.

Also take screenshots of who is in each group, it’ll show their mobile numbers too against their names so there’s proof that it’s their name and number assigned to the bullying.
Hope you get it sorted as soon as.

I would take screenshots now, report to the police as these kids do it because they think they're untouchable and nothing will happen.

I'd then send a factual email to the bully's school with the screenshots and make them aware it's been happening and you've reported it to the police.

Police, this is cyberbullying and it is a crime. And please get your 11 year old off the internet. She is far too young to be on social media.

@HannahTone - please follow this advice!

I agree - screenshot everything and take it to the police, maybe copying in the bullies' school. Then get her a new number. I wouldn't go to the bullies' parents - it rarely ends well. Just show the evidence to the police. Your poor daughter, though :( Focus on building up friendships at her new school.

"On top of that, she has threatened her that she'll knock on DD's door and beat her up."

So you find the biggest and most frightening man you know, and send him round to put the wind up her and her family.

Screenshots, names of all the kids who are involved telephone numbers/email addresses if you can see them. Report it to the police. The police will advise on if you should notify the school or if they will take care of it.

We dealt with the exact same thing when DD was the same age. We kept blocking and deleting but they always managed to add her again. The things being said were vile. I had enough and told the parents if it didn’t stop I would be calling the police on their little darlings. I did eventually call the police who had a word and started online bullying classes at school. Stick up for your daughter, let the police and the school know before it escalates! Good luck OP, I know what you’re going through and it’s awful!

Screenshot it all as evidence, before it disappears. Send email to HoY and attach all screenshots.

If you want her to be ok I the long run, you go to the police now (and report the kid to her school). You hand over the screens shots to both.

do not ignore. Do not hope it goes away. It won’t.

This almost exact situation happened to my DD the month before she started secondary. So much so that I checked the username so I knew it wasn't a post I had forgotten posting! It makes me sad there are so many kids doing this shit. I informed all the parents I could (even contacted some through a football team I knew they attended) and told the parents that as the children were underage for social media they, the parents, would be liable for any comments their children made and that if any of the children contacted my child (by constantly adding her via fake accounts etc) ever again I h would take the screen shots to the police. I will not stand for shit like this and I have kept the screenshots in case they are ever needed.

@HannahTone if you look in the WhatsApp settings under Account, then Privacy, you can set them so that she can’t be added to groups, or can only be added by existing contacts. I don’t know about Snapchat but it’s worth having a look.