DD getting horribly bullied online by ex-best friend, what actions should I take?

[HannahTone]

For context, DD has always been more of a 'follower' type of girl and for some reason, has always friends who use her and then, act really nasty. But this particular incident is a first time for all of us.She was crying non-stop yesterday. DD, 11 y/o, has moved into secondary, but tried hard to keep in contact with her previous mates from primary, who apparently dont want anything to do with her. So, after some exchanges, this primary friend of hers decided to create a group on snapchat adding various kids, many of them who don't even know DD nor does she know them, and started writing the most nasty-est things I have literally ever read. Swearing at her, and mentioning things like 'fatherless shag', I mean absolutely awful. Things that I could not believe have come out of an 11 year old child, but there you go. And distributing her picture, which she shared with her a long time ago, talking about how ugly she is to people DD doesn't even know!It's absolutely horrible and I don't even know what to do. We have blocked them all, but chcked this morning and she is still being added in yet another group where the girl is mentioning her again. On top of that, she has threatened her that she'll knock on DD's door and beat her up. I don't want to take that as a joke as there have been some incidents around us where girls have beaten up one of their friends, and I'm so so scared. Husband is thinking of maybe taking some legal action, but I have no idea which is the best course of action.Should I just mention on the group that I'm the parent who's talking and if they don't stop, legal action will be taken? Or should we just ignore them? And what about safety issues for DD? I have been telling her in the past few days that she can come alone from her school, but now I'm scared and I will have to pick her up as well as not let her hang out alone outside. It's just horrible.Any help or advice very much appreciated!!!

A lot of schools are getting good at responding to this stuff. I emailed DD3's school because she told me about an incident and said that this particular boy is always being bullied and everyone is horrible to him. I emailed the details to the school, saying that I think this boy is having a hard time and maybe can't speak up. They were so grateful and said that they were dealing with it immediately.

I think this is terrible advice. Even if she gets bored OP and her daughter are on the roster of those whom she feels entitled to bully.

I would take a couple of screenshots and forward to the parents with a message that either they get their child in order or they can talk to the police.
Then go to the police.

Simultaneously, get your child into self Defence classes so she can put her bully on the floor if she needs to. Sometimes there are threads here where people admit they stopped bullying an individual when they realised there might be pain at the end of it.

We rather stupidly did the block / ignore / hope it would go away method. Unfortunately it escalated and he ended up being assaulted and worse. He now does not attend school.

We wish we had taken screenshots and gone to the police and school straight away.

Go to the police. It's malicious communications and harassment. Ask them to talk to the girl. Also let the girls parents know:

Can you contact the parents of the bullies? I know it's not the done thing these days but depending upon what they're like , it might be the first option??! Good luck to you. Why are people such vile shits?

I have been to the parents of a bully and it did help also spoke directly to one little shit and scared the willies out of him. ( not the recommended technique!) . Please go to the school and to the police and the parents - kids need to know it's not acceptable and there are consequences for them. Good luck it's not easy but you'll get through it.x

Oh gosh, how awful. Your poor DD.
definitely screen shots & police. I would involve the schools- they need to be aware as do the parents. I would be contacting them if I knew them. I know advice often is not to, but in this instance the adults in the other girls’ life need to know what she’s up to.

Agree with others above re screen grabbing and going to school and police.

Also, just to add - the ring leader won't necessarily need to know it was your daughter who reported it. It could have been anyone else on those groups. Teachers are used to dealing with these issues in a way that won't make it worse for the victim.

That is awful. I'm so sorry for your DD and for you. I think I would screenshot everything that I could and I would march over to the little twits house and show her parents what their little darling has been up to.

This is extreme harassment, matter for the police

I think I'd listen to Loris. She has experienced this.

Sorry but I think a child who's 11 doesn't need them apps, get rid of them. My daughter has a very basic phone who is also 11, she's very happy with it. Maybe try getting her friends round a few nights a week after school to keep her mind off it?

Thankfully, DD is a very strong girl and after reassuring her, she hasn't been showing feelings of distress and seems to be doing okay and is actually happy. That's also one of the reasons I wanted to keep it low-key so that it doesnt affect her too much. I will be contacting the police, as well as the schools. Although I'm not sure, is it better to go directly to them, or should I call instead or maybe email with the screenshots (which I do have)?Also, thank you very much for everyone of you who's been so helpful!

This is a game to them; they need to understand that the joke is not consensual, and they are overstepping the mark.

If you don't want to immediately go to the police, then a 1st preliminary option is to report to whatsapp and any other platform they are on.....they all need an account and under 18s need parental consent. By reporting, hopefully the parents will be notified. Also report directly to the parents that you know, advising if it all doesn't stop immediately you are taking the screenshots to the police.

I've been subjected to similar behavior by adult women, my (ex) school friends and acquaintances, who were in their 40s at the time. Some of whom are secondary school teachers themselves were slagging off teenage and current photos of me, my clothes, my home, my parenting, my mainstream (loosely practicing) religion, my cognitive abilities, my dead relatives, and they threatened violence against my dog. Nobody liked me....yadda....yadda....yadda.

It was all because certain members of my wider family, some of whom are now deceased were involved in a particular industry many, many years ago, all above board, morally correct & acceptable, legitimate lucrative industry, which these bullies/people have a jealousy of and misplaced anger against.

So their crazy misplaced jealousy and anger got directed at me, and it escalated out of control to the extent that people called to my home harassing me. I advised the harassers that if anyone every came near my home again, harassing me or talking shit about me or any member of my family I would go straight to law enforcement, and I also advised them that I was tempted to go to the police and merely discuss what had happened with the police so that there was a record of my attending, as if I ever needed to report at a later time, there would be a timeline as proof of the ongoing abuse. I also advised that while the jobless abusers didn't have much to lose, the teachers should know better, and I was tempted to report them to the teaching counsel/regulatory body.

As an adult woman this has been very hard for me to digest, it has been very hard on my self-esteem, and there has been so much gossip about it among the school circle. Those idiots are now terrified of me, they have obviously discussed their actions with some sane people and realized the potential consequences.

Show your daughter that you will do anything to protect her and will always be her safety net and support, don't allow this to continue. You need to be very firm!! Good luck.

Delete Snapchat. She shouldn't have it at 11 anyway.

Change her privacy settings on anything so people can't add her or message her without her adding or messaging them first.

Isn’t this the problem though - kids can’t opt out. If they do, they are marginalised by their friend’s group. I can just hear the little shits “ah, doesn’t mummy let you go online?” Ugghh, school the best days of your life? Don’t make me laugh. I feel so sorry for teenagers today.

@VatofTea I'm so sorry you had to go through that horrible horrible time, and hope you're doing better now!I'm hoping we can also get out of the situation and be in a better place. Unfortunately, I don't know their parents so couldn't contact them. I also am doubting that they would call police if we were to straight up go to their doors and sort of 'threaten' them, so to speak?

That’s not right, the school will still take action if it involves their students.

Sorry this was meant to reply to a PP who said the school wouldn’t do anything if not ‘on their time’.

Delete WhatsApp. Is it really necessary for your DD to have WhatsApp? She has text messaging. She is 11 there is no real reason for her to have WhatsApp at this stage in time whilst all this is going on.

Then I would contact 101 where you can make a report - The offense in this case Would be harassment under the communications act- it is a specific criminal offence. You should always report these things to the police- not only does it show Offenders no matter how young they are that Actions have repercussions, it could also help prevent other children from behaving the same way and would to stop her from doing it to Another vulnerable young person who could end up suicidal or even worse. Act now before this gets any worse. I will also contact the school and let them know that you have reported this to the police and they will contact the parents -not you.

If you don't know the parents, then I think deal with the school first and report to the platforms.

It might be worthwhile calling a police station and just finding out if it is possible to understand what the process would be if you made a formal complaint. I'm in Ireland, so different system here, but I think it would be possible in Ireland to have an informal chat first, before a formal complaint (not sure though).

Grow some balls, go to the police and protect your daughter! What is stopping you? Apart from not wanting about upsetting some parents that you don't even know, and multiple little shits who are ganging up and bullying your daughter?

She is 11. A child. She needs you to act now.

This, sorry.

If an adult was harassing you in this way you would call the police. It’s no different.

OP someone is threatening to beat up your daughter and a group of kids is whipping themselves up into a frenzy and you are doing nothing?

take screenshots
Call 111
tell the school.
get your daughter a new number.

Just do it.