I'm in trouble with pre-school...

[SillyBeardyDaddyman]

"can I have a word?"

Dreaded words to come from your child's teacher at any time, let alone 3 weeks into the first term of preschool!

"your dd told us today that we weren't singing Mary had a little lamb the right way today."

"erm... Ok?"

"yes... She wanted to know what happened to the bit where she cooks the lamb..."

"oops"

So now I'm trying to stop myself from singing the corrupt versions of nursery rhymes. I don't really want to be responsible for small children going home crying that MiniBeard said Mary ate her lamb with mint sauce!

And the English country garden one we used to sing :

What do you do when you've gotta do a poo in an English country garden? Pull down your pants and terrorise the ants, in an English country garden.

And there was also :

My old Man's a dustman,
He wears a dustman's hat.
He farted through the keyhole,
And paralysed the cat.
The table couldn't stand it,
The chairs they fell apart.
And all because of my old Man's
Supersonic fart.

We sang 'terrorise' too, Couthy.

Does anyone know the Diarrhoea song? I can only remember:

When you're sitting on the grass,
And it's coming out your arse.
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea.

DS is fond of a little ditty that goes:

"A, B, C,D, E, F, G
Gummy bears are after me!
One is red, one is blue,
One is peeing on my shoe
One is blue, one is red,
One is pooping on my head
Now I'm running for my life
'Cause the green one has a knife!"

I ask you.

I give you:

Night, night, sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
If they do use dynamite.
One red, one blue.
All the rest are chicken poo.

Don't ask why, I have no idea.

DS's nursery sing Baa baa black sheep thank goodness. But they also sing a second verse. It starts

Moo, moo Jezebel have you any milk....

But DS never sings any further. Has anyone heard this one?

We sang
Our sergeant major jumped from 40 thousand feet and he ain't gonna jump no more

When you're sitting in a tree
And it's dripping down your knee,
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea.

The sergeant major one we sang as 'Johnny was a Paratrooper in the RAF, Johnny was a Paratrooper in the RAF, Johnny was a paratrooper in the RAF, but he ain't gonna jump no mo-o-ore'.

Then we sang the other verses.

There was also this song, where each line was sung by the song leader, then repeated by everyone else:

Oh you'll never get to heaven
On a Roller Skate
Cos roller skates
Won't get through the pearly gates.

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
Cos St. Peter
Won't let you in

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In yer teacher's bra
Cos yer teacher's bra
Won't stretch that far.

We competed to come up with the wildest,it's outlandish verses possible!

I'm going to ask MNHQ to relocate this so we can keep it for the teaching of generations to come

I got into trouble for singing "ba ba black sheep" apparently it is just "sheep". Really?! I'm the least racist person in the world but surely that is taking it a bit far?

Oh gosh this does bring back memories of being in guides!

I wonder if they are still allowed to sing such songs or if they are all banned.

I must teach my kids these songs although they are well past pre-school I could get into just as much trouble

Maybe we need a MN choir to record them? Could be MN's next big money spinner!

SarahStratton - my our version is:

Night night, sleep tight
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
If they do, get a shoe
And beat their little heads in two

There has already been talk of Gareth Malone and a MN choir - we could be onto something here folks :)

I've jsut remembered the chorus we had to We Three Kings:

Star of wonder Star of Night
Sit on a box of dynamite
Light the fuse and you will see
The quickest way to the cemetary.

another couple of verses

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In a baked bean tin
Cos a baked bean tin's
got baked beans in.

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In the leader's car
Cos the leader's car
Stops at every bar.

Oh you'll never get to heaven
on a boy scout's knee
Cos ye never know
where his hands might be.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as soot (?)
And everywhere that Mary went,
It's sooty foot it put.

Mary had a chocolate bar
All on a summers day,
She ate the lot,
Went to the pot,
And pooed it all away.

Miss prolly had a dolly
And her head fell off
( from when my dd's dolls head did fall off)

All these courtesy of my dad.....my kids particularly liked no2!

OH FFS! Black is a color! I can't believe people don't sing it. I absolutely refuse to believe it. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

@SillyBeardyDaddyman

I'm going to ask MNHQ to relocate this so we can keep it for the teaching of generations to come

Hi, we've moved this into Preschool Education now. Thanks.

Couthy - did you do the chorus in between?

I ain't gonna grie-ee-eeve my Lord,
I ain't gonna grie-ee-eeve my Lord,
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord, my Lord no more, any more.

We had a local bus that fitted nicely as well:
Oh you'll never go to heaven
In a 267
cos a 267
don't go to heaven

there was one about a bottle of gin as well but I don't remember it...

Cheers KatMN

I feel it's important to hand this wisdom along to future generations so they can be the cool kids in the playground.

Any thoughts from HQ about a MN choir to record these on cd/mp3 download?

There never USED to be a bloody crocodile in Row, row row!

KatMN you're the best!

I've had

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
Cos a biscuit tin's
Got biscuits in

In my head all afternoon thanks to you lot!

our sergeant major jumped from forty thousand feet x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of shiit in your eye
glory glory what a hell of a way to die and he aint gonna jump no more
they scraped him off the tarmac like a lump of strawberry jam x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of
shiit in your eye
they wrapped him up in paper and they sent him home to mum x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of shiit in your eye
she put him on the mantle piece for everyone to see x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of shiit in your eye

I worked in a nursery and one I sang was
baa baa black sheep have you any spots?
Yes sir ,yes sir lots and lots.
One on my tummy,one on my toes
And a great big pink one on the end of my nose.
Colour of your choice of course...