I'm in trouble with pre-school...

[SillyBeardyDaddyman]

"can I have a word?"

Dreaded words to come from your child's teacher at any time, let alone 3 weeks into the first term of preschool!

"your dd told us today that we weren't singing Mary had a little lamb the right way today."

"erm... Ok?"

"yes... She wanted to know what happened to the bit where she cooks the lamb..."

"oops"

So now I'm trying to stop myself from singing the corrupt versions of nursery rhymes. I don't really want to be responsible for small children going home crying that MiniBeard said Mary ate her lamb with mint sauce!

Up above the streets and houses bungle flying high

Opens up his hairy arse and shits in geoffrys eye.

I think you all went to school with me. Dh has asked me to add:

Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on a wall,
Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on a wall,
But if one stick of dynamite should accidently fall,
There'd be no sticks of dynamite and no fucking wall!

marcopront Goebbels has no balls at all.

Oh Jemima, look at your uncle Jim,
Drowned in the bathtub trying to learn to swim.

I would love to know the rest of that one.

Oh Jemima look at your uncle Jim,
he's in the duck pond learning how to swim,
first he does the back stroke,
the he does the crawl,
now he's under the water swimming against the tide

{we need a sleeping child on my lap emotion]

I had a baby brother
His name was Tiny Tim
I put him in the bathtub
To teach him how to swim
He drank up all the water
He ate up all the soap
He died last night with a bubble in his throat.

Cheerful ditty, that one. It goes on to talk about the doctor and nurse and a "lady with the alligator purse" (social worker?) all coming in and saying "Dead".

The was a young man of Devizes
With bollocks of two different sizes
One was so small
You couldn't see it at all
The other so big it won prizes.

Can't be bothered to read all right now so sorry if I repeat

Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar
My mum drives a rusty car
Turn on the engine pull on the choke
Off we go inns puff of smoke

Five little monkeys swinging in the tree
Teasing mr crocodile "you can't catch me"
Along comes mr crocodile as quiet as can be and SNAP!! He ate them for his tea, hmm yummy

perfectstorm don't worry, Tiny Tim isn't dead. I have the book. He's pretending (like his sister -Lorelei- who is stuffed up the chimney to teach her how to fly).

Aww I remember the squishy bumble bee one! To pick who was 'it' we used to do-

ip, dip, cow shit,
fucking bastard, silly git,
you are not it.

Does anyone remember the brother John one? Harmless at the time, now I'm feeling sick!

Our sergeant major jumped without a parachute,
Our sergeant major jumped without a parachute,
Our sergeant major jumped without a parachute,
And he ain't gonna jump no more

Glory, glory, what a hell of a way to die,
Suspended by your ankles in the middle of the sky,
Glory, glory what a hell of a way to die,
and he ain't gonna jump no more

He landed on the runway like a lump of strawberry jam...
We scooped him in a jamjar and then sent him home to mum....
She put him on mantlepiece for everyone to see...

My friend Billy had a 10 foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door,
she thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake
and now it's only 4 foot 4.

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket;
And every time the lamb got out
The sheepdog tried to put it back in again.

ooh, now I'm on a roll.....

The higher up the mountain
The greener grows the grass;
Here comes a nanny goat
Sliding on its overcoat.

Perfect storm, you're not my cousin Sarah, are you? She taught me the Tiny Tim rhyme when I was little, but I've never heard it since.

While Shepherds washed their socks at night, all hanging on the line,
the angel of the lord came down and said 'those socks are mine'

oh dear, he said, my mighty tread, has worn these stockings through
I'll ask St Michael for some more, these holey ones on't do

That's my favourite for the M&S link and the classic holey/holy mix

The wiggles do the tiny tim one but it doesn't end the same way!

Oh Blimey I have loads:

Postman pat postman pat
Postman pat and his black and white cat
Flying over Venus
Showing off his penis
Pat thinks he's a really well hung man.

Oh the grand old duke of York ending with 'and when they were only half way up their trousers all fell down!"

Lulu had a baby she called it sonny Jim
She put it in the bath for to teach him how to swim
He sank right to the bottom and floated to the top
Lulu git excited and pulled him by the
Cocktails mocktails stick it up your
Ask no questions tell no lies
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flies are best bugs are worst
That is the end if my ruddy little verse

(In the style of Little Peter Rabbit)
Oh seargent major do not touch me (x3)
As we lay in the bullrushes with nothing in at all!
(As each word gets taken out get more and more excited. Hilarious)

Away in a molehill or so it is said
That little thick LaLa chopped off Dipsy's head
Tinky Winky and Po went and told the police
And LaLa was locked up and never released!

Hark the herald angels sing
Beechams pills are just the thing
They are gentle they are mild
Two for a man and one for a child
If you want to go to heaven
You must take a dose of seven
If you want to go to hell
Take the ruddy box as well.

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on a bank
The angel of the lord came down
And taught them how to wank

Little donkey little donkey
On the M25
Got run over
By a Skoda
Now he's not alive

Ok thought of more already:

(This one is from one of my Dads cassettes of the folk group the spinners)

We four lads from Liverpool are
John in a taxi, Paul in a car
George on a scooter blowing his hooter
Following Ringo Star.

(Baa black sheep second verse)
Thank you said the master
Thank you said the dame
Fuck off said the little boy who lives down the drain

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your teacher overboard
And listen to her scream!

Beans beans are good for the heart
The more you eat the more you fart
The more you fart the better you'll feel
So make baked beans your every day meal.

The Adams family started when uncle fester farted
He farted through the keyhole and paralysed the cat!

I got into trouble when my DS taught his little sister
Bloody's in the bible
Bloodys in the book
If you don't believe me
Take a bloody look.

It didn't go down well at the catholic primary school and I have no idea who taught it to him

HiHowAreYou I'm afraid in the version we sang, Lorelei died as well... presumably your book used one of the gentler versions (like most playground rhymes, there are a lot).

It's actually a bit disturbing realising how grim a lot of the stuff we took for granted as kids in stories and songs is. Then again, my mother told me once that the original Cinderella has the Ugly Sisters chopping their own toes off to try to fit the slipper, which nobody would have dreamed of reading to us. And Roald Dahl and Harry Potter get pretty gruesome, too.

This thread has brought back so many memories! And given me some new songs that I didn't know, or variations on ones that I did know.

Perfectstorm - if you read the collected works of both the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen, a lot of the stories are ones you wouldn't necessarily choose to tell your children! Many of them have been "disneyfied" now of course, so as not to affect the children's sensibilities - but there are always children who love the blood and gore and retribution.

Robinsucks - that "glory glory" song was one we knew as well.

And no one has done the meatball song yet!

I got very, very badly told off for coming home and happily singing this to my parents in front of their friends.

Wrigleys Spearmint gum, gum, gum.
Stick it up your mother's bum.
She'll begin to hum, hum, hum.
Wrigley's Spearmint gum, gum, gum.

The Fraggle Rock one we used to sing was . Aged about 9yo...

(To the Fraggle Rock theme tune)

Oooooooooooooh, down in Fraggle Rock. Swing a Fraggle by its cock. Chuck it in the air. Catch it by its pubic hair. Throw it on the grass. Shove a chainsaw up its arse. Turn the power on. Now the Fraggle's gone.

Oh, and olly olly olly, tits in the trolley, balls in the biscuit tin...

I know a slightly different version of the beans one -

Beans, beans, good for the heart.
The more you eat, the more you fart.
The more you fart, the more you eat,
The more you sit on the toilet seat.