I'm in trouble with pre-school...

[SillyBeardyDaddyman]

"can I have a word?"

Dreaded words to come from your child's teacher at any time, let alone 3 weeks into the first term of preschool!

"your dd told us today that we weren't singing Mary had a little lamb the right way today."

"erm... Ok?"

"yes... She wanted to know what happened to the bit where she cooks the lamb..."

"oops"

So now I'm trying to stop myself from singing the corrupt versions of nursery rhymes. I don't really want to be responsible for small children going home crying that MiniBeard said Mary ate her lamb with mint sauce!

Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of her own!

It happens to us all SillyBeardedDaddyman years back when ds was in nursery we got called in twice first time he was casting avada kedavra at the other children we are big harry potter nuts here and the second time he kept saying for fucks sake which sounds dreadful but was hard to get over how he only ever used it in context eg if he dropped something or made a mistake. He is otherwise a lovely and polite boy he just has a filfthy mouthed mum

*filthy ffs

Thye version taught by the teacher at primary school (a long time ago) was:

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC.

I'm waiting for the Christmas carol versions

Damn FryOne, you beat me by 4 seconds!

If you go down to the woods today
You're sure for a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
Cos Mum & Dad are having a shag
And Uncle Bob is sucking his knob [or Uncle Frank is having a wank]
And Aunty Flo is having a go
With Grandad

@ bunnywhack

Love the idea of a small child running around cursing other kids!

Mary had a little lamb
It was a little bugger
It skidded cross the table top
And farted in the sugar :)

PMSL at all these.

I inadvertantly taught dd's friend (and dd) the 'teenager' verse of When Susie was a Baby . . . turned out they had been singing a rather politer version in the playground

Mama Mia
It's diarrhoea
My my, running down my left leg
Mamma Mia
Here I go again
My my,
Like a smelly brown egg
Ooooh, and I'm broken hearted
Ooooh, thought I'd only farted
Oh no
Now I really let it go

We three kinds of Eldon Square
Selling ladies' underwear
How fantastic, no elastic,
Buy your granny a pair

^ was our version wishing

We are the Geordie girls
We wear our hair in curls
We wear our dungarees
Up to our sexy knees
There was a boy next door
He got me on the floor
He counted 1, 2, 3
And had it off with me
My mother was surprised
To see my belly rise
My father jumped for joy
It was a baby boy!

Funny what you remember...

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her arse
And now his teeth are missing.

Happy birthday to you
flush your head down the loo
if you see something brown there
don't eat it - it's poo

In 1986
The Queen pulled down her knicks.
She licked her bum
And said 'Yum yum!
It tastes like Weetabix.'

Baa baa black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Of course I have, you silly old fool
If I haven't I'd like to know
What I'm covered in from head to toe?
(beats the 'approved' version which has the master, the dame and the little boy saying thank you to the sheep at the end - oh dear)

I will save Inky Pinky Parleyvoo until she's over 5..

Our version was

We are the Geordie girls
We wear our hair in curls
We wear our dungarees
To hide our sexy knees
I met a boy last night
He gave me fifty pence
To go behind the fence
He spun me round and round
Until I touched the ground
He counted 1, 2, 3
And stuck it into me
My mother was surprised
To see my belly rise
My father jumped for joy
It was a baby boy!

Puff the magic dragon lives on a shelf,he has no one to play with, so he plays with himself

Puff once had a girlfriend but she was rather rough,

So now he has a boyfriend, and that's why we call him puff.

Georgy Porgy pudding and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too

Coz he's funny that way.

Hitler, has only got one ball

The other, is in the Albert hall

His mother, the dirty bugger

Is having scallops and bollox for tea

That's not right

Hitler, has only got one ball
The other, is in the Albert hall
His mother, the stupid bugger
She chopped it off when he was small
She threw it, into the deep blue see
The fishes, got their dishes
And had scallops, and bollocks for tea!

Loving this thread.

In Jamaica behind a tree

Selling condoms for 50p

Some for 10p some for ten bob

It all depends on the size of your knob

Old mother hubbord went to the cupboard to get the poor dog a bone

When she bent over, rover took over

And the bitch got a bone of her own

I know it as,

Hitler has only got one ball,
Goerring has two but very small,
Himmler is rather similar
and ????? has no balls at all.