Help desperately needed with pprom and premature baby

[ddolly123]

Hi guys.

I feel like I'm at absolute breaking point and I don't know what to do or how to feel.

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom and I was in early labour for three and a half weeks. I was contracting the entire time and waters kept going. I barely slept, I could barely walk and was quite miserable but I got through it. They were adamant I had to keep her in as it was for the best reasons and refused to get her out.

Fast forward though they did a c section at 36 weeks. I've been in hospital for 7 days with her because she had an infection, up and down jaundice levels and she isn't gaining or loosing weight. I was convinced we would go home today but they said no we would have to review in another two years.

I had about two days of being unable to hold my baby because of her jaundice levels, I barely sleep as I'm feeding her every hour to help with weight gain and I feel all the strength I've had from this past month has disappeared

I felt so connected and so close with her all week she was my strength but suddenly I feel so withdrawn, disconnected and I'm struggling to look at her as it's like all the trauma has hit me.

I've asked if they could move her to a low dependency ward so I can just go home and sleep and visit her day to day to recharge and just feel some normality from the past month. I feel like when I look at her I'm suddenly feeling all the trauma from the past month

Im crying so much I'm shaking as the thought of leaving her and visiting her on a ward makes me feel like the worst mum in the world but I physically and mentally am struggling to do anymore night stays.

I'm absoutely torn and feel the lowest I've ever felt, any thing would be so great as I feel I can't cope anymore but i feel I've failed as a parent already

Hey @ddolly123 - how are you doing today?

@DropYourSword

Hey *@ddolly123* - how are you doing today?

Hey!

I'm still here, but the trauma team have been a big help.

At the moment she's 37 weeks and 2 days and has gained weight every day since the last review and weighs 5.8 pounds with no other complications. Seems like they want to keep us in for another 48 hours to review. She's feeding great too.

Thanks for checking in though I appreciate that! I can sense long term mental problems from this though I've been in and out of hospital confused anxious and out of control for over a month now. Not sure what the problem is at the moment, I still feel like we could manage this at home and even come in as an out patient

Like now for instance, personally

Blimey you’ve been through a hell of a time. This is worst you’ll probably ever feel but you’re getting through it. Lack of sleep, postnatal hormones, major surgery, alone looking after a poor baby is all horrific.

I’m glad you’ve been moved and your partner can stay. Hopefully you’re on your way up and home

Awww, glad to hear that feeding is going well and she's gaining weight!

You 'sound' a lot perkier too which is great to hear. It's horrible being at such a low ebb. I think it's pretty insightful to realise there may be longer term complications after everything you've been through so it's great that the trauma team are involved and helping.

Just remember sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, one step back. There may be times when you feel great and you're making progress, and times where you almost feel back to square one. Don't let those "down" moments occupy too much space in your head - it sounds like you're doing a great job and will (finally!) be home soon.
Very best of luck to you