Help desperately needed with pprom and premature baby

[ddolly123]

Hi guys.

I feel like I'm at absolute breaking point and I don't know what to do or how to feel.

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom and I was in early labour for three and a half weeks. I was contracting the entire time and waters kept going. I barely slept, I could barely walk and was quite miserable but I got through it. They were adamant I had to keep her in as it was for the best reasons and refused to get her out.

Fast forward though they did a c section at 36 weeks. I've been in hospital for 7 days with her because she had an infection, up and down jaundice levels and she isn't gaining or loosing weight. I was convinced we would go home today but they said no we would have to review in another two years.

I had about two days of being unable to hold my baby because of her jaundice levels, I barely sleep as I'm feeding her every hour to help with weight gain and I feel all the strength I've had from this past month has disappeared

I felt so connected and so close with her all week she was my strength but suddenly I feel so withdrawn, disconnected and I'm struggling to look at her as it's like all the trauma has hit me.

I've asked if they could move her to a low dependency ward so I can just go home and sleep and visit her day to day to recharge and just feel some normality from the past month. I feel like when I look at her I'm suddenly feeling all the trauma from the past month

Im crying so much I'm shaking as the thought of leaving her and visiting her on a ward makes me feel like the worst mum in the world but I physically and mentally am struggling to do anymore night stays.

I'm absoutely torn and feel the lowest I've ever felt, any thing would be so great as I feel I can't cope anymore but i feel I've failed as a parent already

You have not failed. I promise you, you haven't. You've done everything you can.

Im crying so much I'm shaking as the thought of leaving her and visiting her on a ward makes me feel like the worst mum in the world but I physically and mentally am struggling to do anymore night stays.

What she really needs is for you to be as rested as you can be, and in the best place mentally you're able to be given your circumstances. She has plenty of nurses and staff that are able to look after her while you get some rest. You need to look after you, so that you are able to look after her.

I remember the first few months with my DS were really rough, and someone said to me at the time "He won't remember any of this. You will, but he really won't". It didn't really register at the time, but it was SO true. I adore him and he adores me. The shit we went through at the start isn't something he'll ever remember and I think that helped me work through things in the end!

@DropYourSword

You have not failed. I promise you, you haven't. You've done everything you can.

Im crying so much I'm shaking as the thought of leaving her and visiting her on a ward makes me feel like the worst mum in the world but I physically and mentally am struggling to do anymore night stays.

What she really needs is for you to be as rested as you can be, and in the best place mentally you're able to be given your circumstances. She has plenty of nurses and staff that are able to look after her while you get some rest. You need to look after you, so that you are able to look after her.

I remember the first few months with my DS were really rough, and someone said to me at the time "He won't remember any of this. You will, but he really won't". It didn't really register at the time, but it was SO true. I adore him and he adores me. The shit we went through at the start isn't something he'll ever remember and I think that helped me work through things in the end!

Thank you this actually got through to me, I feel like I'm thinking so many bad thoughts and I'm going to go insane.

Did you go home and do visits? I just feel like I can't physically stay in the hospital anymore and not sleep but I honestly feel such an awful bad mum and also not wanting to leave her at the same time. I feel so awful and horrible, I feel like it's the worst day of my life I know this all sounds dramatic. Being in the hospital reminds me of all the trauma from them three weeks.

I can feel myself neglecting her today and it's so horrible as I've been in this whirlwind of love and something has happened. I can't look at her because everything just hurts.

X

I don't think you're being at all dramatic. You've gone through a horrible time and it's hitting you now. Remember that your hormones are going haywire right now too - you're in prime baby blues territory.
You're also at risk of developing postnatal depression- I thoroughly recommend seeking help early if you continue to feel very low. It took me quite a while to recognise I needed more help because I developed anxiety instead of depression, so I kept thinking "well, I'm not depressed so I must be ok".

@DropYourSword

I don't think you're being at all dramatic. You've gone through a horrible time and it's hitting you now. Remember that your hormones are going haywire right now too - you're in prime baby blues territory. You're also at risk of developing postnatal depression- I thoroughly recommend seeking help early if you continue to feel very low. It took me quite a while to recognise I needed more help because I developed anxiety instead of depression, so I kept thinking "well, I'm not depressed so I must be ok".

Do you think it's okay to go home just for two days and visit her? I feel so so horrible an awful but I just can't do it anymore im at breaking point I feel I only have an enough energy to pick up my phone

Is she already admitted to the neonatal unit? If she is then absolutely, yes it's ok for you to go home.
If she's not admitted there is that something the hospital could do?

@DropYourSword

Is she already admitted to the neonatal unit? If she is then absolutely, yes it's ok for you to go home. If she's not admitted there is that something the hospital could do?

She was in the high depency unit and then they released her to the ward where I had to look after her there then they realised I wasn't coping on the ward after three days and moved me to a private room and I've had to do everything here and she's not getting better. They said she has to stay for another two days but I just don't know how I'll do the two hour feeds 247 being alone in a room so tired I can't eat and emotionally traumatised from weeks of endless anxiety and worry plus pain. Two days doesnt sound much I know but in the hospital it really feels like it

just feel I need help and I need her in a low depency ward where I can maybe have some normality and visit her and go home to sleep kind of thing maybe they will do a better job looking after her there. I just feel like it's all hit me and I'm struggling so much

DS spent ten days in the SCBU and they were the worst of my life. Like you I hit a wall where I couldn't stop crying and the midwives told me to go home! (Kindly). I had a shower and a rest, saw my cat and when I went back I felt 100x better for it. I was really lucky to get a bed on the ward, but being there 24/7, postpartum, is just so so hard. Go and have a break, it will be good for both of you. Sending hugs, my son is now 3.5 and it's just a bad memory. You can do this.

Hi OP, congratulations on your baby. I didn't have PPROM but i had PROM at 37+5 and then DD had sepsis so we had a NICU / SCBU stay for two weeks. What ward are you and her on?

I was discharged at five days when DD was still in NICU. I had to go home for the night - it was the most horrible feeling going home without her, but i had a full night's sleep (waking to pump for 20mins every 2.5hrs but then going straight back to sleep). I could shower, my DH made me proper food. I went back to the hospital the next morning feeling a million times better and actually like a human being.

At the time, i really didnt want to leave DD and felt very guilty, but looking back, it was absolutely the best thing I could have done for my mental health. After that, DD was moved into SCBU and i was able to stay in the parent's ward next to her to be able to do night feeds - that boost really got me through the next period before coming home.

There was also a psychologist attached to the neonatal unit for parents to talk to. Can you find out if there is a similar service in your hospital? It didn't help me at the time, although i have an amazing HV who helped me access perinatal services after she was discharged. But it might be helpful for you.

You are doing an amazing job after a very stressful and difficult period. You are not a bad mum for taking care of yourself. Remember to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others!

Speak to the nurses /midwives there and see what they can do to help you. I don't know if they actually will be able to transfer her back to HDU but I think you should ask because you sound like you're at the end of your tether right now x

Dd spent 4 months in nicu. You WILL get through this. You need to look after yourself, sleep, eat and drink so your baby has the best mum when she comes home. I visited from around 9-6 every day but sometimes that was too much. It seems like it will never end, but she will be home with you soon.

You need to go home and sleep. Sleep deprivation is a trigger for post natal depression or psychosis. In my opinion post natal wards do no recognise that nearly enough. You will feel 100% better after several hours sleep.

That said when I felt similar they wouldn't let me leave even if DH stayed with dd 🙁 I ended up discharging us both- but that was a different situation as dd didn't need treatment exactly, they just wanted her to stay for a follow up test and I wanted to go home and bring her back for the test (the next day)

Oh love.

Talk to the nurses. Go home and rest if you can. She will be absolutely fine I promise.

OP, if you were stuck elsewhere in the hospital and unable to care for your baby, the nurses would have to, so don't let that hold you back.
Needing to rest and take care of yourself doesn't make you a bad mother, in fact the opposite, because you will be recognising that you need to be well to be able to care for your baby.
Tell the staff that you need to go home and rest for a while, then do it.

@TheHeartGoesLast

DS spent ten days in the SCBU and they were the worst of my life. Like you I hit a wall where I couldn't stop crying and the midwives told me to go home! (Kindly). I had a shower and a rest, saw my cat and when I went back I felt 100x better for it. I was really lucky to get a bed on the ward, but being there 24/7, postpartum, is just so so hard. Go and have a break, it will be good for both of you. Sending hugs, my son is now 3.5 and it's just a bad memory. You can do this.

The doctor just came and said I can't go home, they won't put her on a ward and I have to stay and he's not even sure the father can help to stay I don't know how I'm going to look after her I feel like I want to jump out the window

Go home and rest! You've got the best babysitters you're ever going to have and your baby will be absolutely fine. Go and talk to the nurses, you need to be rested for when she comes home.

The doctor can’t keep you there.

Can you go and talk to the ward sister? (If such folk still exist!)

@Mabelface

Go home and rest! You've got the best babysitters you're ever going to have and your baby will be absolutely fine. Go and talk to the nurses, you need to be rested for when she comes home.

The doctor said the most he can do is make sure the midwifes pop in a bit more

I feel awful but I can't even hold her I can't get up from the floor I think I'm having a breakdown

I feel awful but I can't even hold her I can't get up from the floor I think I'm having a breakdown

Press your call button. Get your midwife in. Tell her what you're writing on this thread. You need more help and support. You need some referrals made.

Yes please press the call button and get the midwives in there

Please please ask for help if needs be show them what you have written to us all on here if you can't find the words.
Let us know when you have spoken to the midwife.

Reading this makes me angry on your behalf - you are being let down by the system as I was years ago.
In my case they wouldn’t discharge me post birth until I got breastfeeding established (my DS was 35 weeks but never needed special care), but I was offered no support, he was not latching on and they wouldn’t let me have formula. I self-discharged us both, got a proper night’s sleep, bought a few bottles of readymade formula and arranged a lactation consultant to come (or rather my DH did as I couldn’t stop crying). All absolutely fine and breastfed for a year.
It’s just not fair on you to keep you in but without offering decent support. I realise they may be under resourced/staffed but it’s crazy because just taking the baby off for a few hours to let you sleep properly might prevent far more serious/expensive problems coming up later. How dare a (male) doctor tell you that you basically have to suck it up when you are on your knees
You are not the problem, the system is.

@DropYourSword

I feel awful but I can't even hold her I can't get up from the floor I think I'm having a breakdown

Press your call button. Get your midwife in. Tell her what you're writing on this thread. You need more help and support. You need some referrals made.

I don't know what happened but I just ran out into the ward screaming and crying and couldn't even speak. I don't know how I'm meant to be in a three week labour, have major surgery, then have a poorly baby to look after alone in a tiny room with 0 sleep. He said maybe after this is all done they could help with trauma etc but I was saying please help me now.

I just collapsed into the midwives arms and then they put me into a wheelchair and did some tests etc. I've never ever got like this before but I just felt a serious whack in the face with everything and the thought of another day let alone a week set me into meltdown mode. I feel ridiculous and dramatic but it's been such a hard time and I hated the feelings creeping in about her.

They moved us to a room where my partner can stay now, a mini fridge and an suite with a tv. More like accodomation. I think I can cope in here and I can look after her in here it feels like we could have a nice family bonding time in here. The trauma team are also coming to visit me tommoro.

I'm so sorry everyone, I feel such a burden to the nhs, my partner, you guys and most of all my baby.

One good thing is I do feel back to being totally in love but I do look at her and feel some things that I can't describe. Almost like over over stimulation and anxiety and feel like I'm so worried and anxious from four weeks of worrying and trying to cope like I'm scared to love her anymore and I'm scared of bad news. I also noticed that I just keep thinking of them three weeks of labour which I thought I handled okay. I think it's because I thought I would be out the woods when she was hear but it's been like a back to back thing

Thank you so much everyone I feel like I can stay strong in this room with my partner here now x

@AnyBenny

Reading this makes me angry on your behalf - you are being let down by the system as I was years ago. In my case they wouldn’t discharge me post birth until I got breastfeeding established (my DS was 35 weeks but never needed special care), but I was offered no support, he was not latching on and they wouldn’t let me have formula. I self-discharged us both, got a proper night’s sleep, bought a few bottles of readymade formula and arranged a lactation consultant to come (or rather my DH did as I couldn’t stop crying). All absolutely fine and breastfed for a year. It’s just not fair on you to keep you in but without offering decent support. I realise they may be under resourced/staffed but it’s crazy because just taking the baby off for a few hours to let you sleep properly might prevent far more serious/expensive problems coming up later. How dare a (male) doctor tell you that you basically have to suck it up when you are on your knees You are not the problem, the system is.

So sorry to hear you went through this but I do completly recognise the frustration that's how I've felt the last month.

He was so dismissive and just sounded like he was implying you wanted the baby so here it is.

I couldn't believe when I said I physically can't look after her I can't move I can't do anything I'm worried about myself he still just awnsered "hmmm"

Midwifes were fantastic though

Go home and rest, it really is the best thing you can do. I know it's horrible. Dts were 31 weekers and in for 7 weeks. Speak to Bliss they will be really helpful.

That's good progress. Great to hear you feel more supported and more help coming.

Try not to panic. Its such a scary time i know but all will be well in the end. Try to calm yourself and pace yourself. Ask
nicely for the support you need. Is there someone who can advocate for you? A fsmily member or friend.

DS was 27 weeks and 2 months in ICU. He's a teen now.