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Premature birth

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Original poster

SCBU should I be there all day? Feeling guilty

131 replies

Esmeralda1988 · 28/08/2020 08:19

I had my first baby on Monday at 34+3 after my waters went at exactly 34 weeks. The birth was pretty horrific partly as I was already shattered from a 3 day hospital stay, and ended in forceps and episiotomy in theatre. I lost quite a lot of blood but just under transfusion threshold. Baby is absolutely fine and a good weight, just need to establish feeding and she can come home. I'm really thrilled with her and the mental effects of the birth have faded fast. I wanted to breastfeed but 4 days later my milk still hasn't come in, so we 'practice' when I visit her. Because of coronavirus my partner is only allowed 2 hours a day with her but I can be there all the time. Which leads me to my worry.. should I be spending all day there with her? At the moment I go for 2 hours or so in the morning by myself then home for a few hours then back with my partner once he's finished work. I feel horribly guilty not being there all day but physically I feel dreadful, I'm still bleeding heavily, I'm short of breath and generally just want to lie down and recover after any activity. I want to get myself properly well before she comes home. I thought what I was doing was fine and a good balance until the nurse there yesterday suggested I stay the full day and 'pop out to town for a break and some food'. Its all I can do to make it back down to the ground floor of the hospital at the moment! Is there anyone who's been in a similar situation who can maybe make me feel better about this? I feel like such an awful person for not being with her as much as I possibly can Sad

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 28/08/2020 08:27

Don't worry you just do what you think is best. Mine was in for a couple of weeks. C section. I needed my own bed and getting there was painful enough let alone sitting in uncomfortable chair all day. I used to go in the morning then home for a few hours to rest in the afternoon, then from about 4 till 7 when the staff would politely tell me to go home and rest. Your baby is going to need a well mommy when they get home x

Shmithecat2 · 28/08/2020 08:30

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Shmithecat2 · 28/08/2020 08:32

Can your partner not take any paternity leave at the moment?

Original poster
Esmeralda1988 · 28/08/2020 08:34

Pardon? At what point did I say I'm leaving her there til I feel better? She won't be allowed home for at least another week. I'd love to have her home, obviously, as soon as I can. But yes, thanks for kicking me when I'm down.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/08/2020 08:34

Do you do skin to skin when you are there? You need to maximise that for your milk to come in. Apart from that you can only do what you feel up to. I stayed all day but didn't have such a difficult birth and there weren't covid restrictions of course.

Zampa · 28/08/2020 08:35

My first DD was in NICU for 6 weeks.

I tried to be with her for 2 or 3 hours at a time, maybe 2 to 3 times a day. Fortunately, we were either in parents' accommodation or at a hospital only 15 minutes drive away.

You've been through the mill and you're physical and emotionally exhausted. Be kind to yourself and get will as you'll need all your energy when your baby comes home!

Are you trying to express every few hours (including overnight, which is apparently prime time to establish supply)? My daughter was tube fed and then bottle fed as she wasn't strong enough to breast feed. I found expressing exhausting and didn't do the overnight session. After 10 weeks of trying and mixed feeding we went onto formula.

RowboatsinDisguise · 28/08/2020 08:36

Realistically, you can’t establish breastfeeding on two two hour visits per 24 hours. If you’re really lucky, you might be able to do four feeds in that time.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 28/08/2020 08:39

I second what's been said about establishing feeding, if you want BF to work you really need to be putting baby to breast every couple of hours at least. I'd pack a care bag, go first thing and stay for the day. Ask them if it's possible to get a gurney in so you can lie down if youre feeling weak.

Original poster
Esmeralda1988 · 28/08/2020 08:40

Yes am doing skin to skin, trying to express every few hours at home to stimulate milk coming in. I guess if it doesn't work out we'll formula feed.

OP posts:
MrsM36 · 28/08/2020 08:41

I can only talk from my experience... my eldest daughter was born @ 33 weeks by emergency c-section. I was in hospital for 3 days, after that I was literally at home to sleep & wash some clothes. The rest of my time was spent on SCBU with my daughter... hubby would drop me off on my way to work & then he would come back after work, spend some time with our little girl and then we'd go home. Obviously I did pop in and out - to stretch my legs/get something to eat etc. Establishing breastfeeding can be hard at the best of times & especially so when they are prem so in my mind the more time I could spend with my little girl having skin to skin cuddles & just being with her the better). As I said this is only my experience & others might be different but this is what i felt was right for me and my then little one (who's now almost 15 and as tall as me!) Xx

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 28/08/2020 08:42

@Esmeralda1988

Yes am doing skin to skin, trying to express every few hours at home to stimulate milk coming in. I guess if it doesn't work out we'll formula feed.
The best way to get your milk to come in is to have the actual baby on the boob as much as humanly possible. If i were you I'd consider spending more time in there with her - it's only another week, so many women have to spend months trekking back and forwards to NICUs.
eurochick · 28/08/2020 08:42

I'd assume the poster above has not had a baby in nicu/scbu...

I did similar, OP. I also had a 34 weeker. I'd had a section and just couldn't sit a whole day on a hard plastic chair next to an incubator. Plus babies that age will sleep for about 90% of the time as they shouldn't be out in the world yet. Mine had so many wires and tubes that skin to skin was really limited (despite my wishes for more) as we needed nurses to help get her out and back in the incubator and as she had jaundice and was under lamps for treatment we couldn't have her out for long. I expressed milk, manually at first and then in the hospital expressing room using their pumps.

Get yourself well, OP. If you do want to breastfeed you will need to increase skin to skin time as soon as you can.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/08/2020 08:42

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

The nurse was trying to be helpful, she’ll know that it will be a barrier to successfully breastfeeding if you’re only there for a short amount of time each day and your body isn’t having milk demanded from it often enough.

Coldwinterahead1 · 28/08/2020 08:42

When my dts were in Nicu I stayed in the parents room for the first two weeks so was with them all day, I then came home and drove the the hospital each morning roughly at 8.30 then left at 5pm. It was a very stressful time.

Kittykat93 · 28/08/2020 08:43

If probably try and be there for longer than 4 hours in a 24 hour period, that doesn't seem much at all. Appreciate you aren't feeling well.

FelicityPike · 28/08/2020 08:43

When I was a NICU mum I’d go over at 9am for her cares and stay with her until 1, go to the hospital canteen for lunch, back at 1:30/2 and go home at 10pm. I felt guilty I couldn’t be there more.
That was after an EMC under general at 31 weeks.
I felt like I would have my DD with me 24/7 if I was at home, so I should be there as much as I could when she was in hospital. I detested leaving her (albeit in the care of medical professionals). My milk never came in.

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2020 08:44

Please dont feel bad. Visit the baby when you can and rest when you need to. If you end up formula feeding then so be it, it's not the end of the world. Congratulations on the baby and take care of your self.

ChristmasinJune · 28/08/2020 08:48

When my ds was in Nicu our day went like this.

Dad: 8.30am-10am
Me: 10-1am

Then went for lunch and a walk.

Me: 2.30-6pm (with another break somewhere)
Dad: 6.30-8pm

If the nurse is suggesting that you stay longer then you're probably not spending quite enough time with her. Nicu babies need lots of skin to skin time to thrive. Also, loads of skin to skin contact will hugely help with your milk supply.

I've been where you are now, exhausted, feeling unwell and frustrated at lack of milk supply so Thanks for that, it isn't an easy time but it'll soon be a distant memory.

Maybe try to think about how you can make the time sitting in nicu more comfortable for you. Taking a cushion or finding a more comfy chair, packing a healthy packed lunch, getting fresh air breaks, chatting to other parents who're going through the same thing can all help you to feel better.

Good luck.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 28/08/2020 08:49

@eurochick and you'd be wrong, I've had 2. Both times i went in for 8-9amish, left briefly for lunch and came home at 7-8ish. Wasn't pleasant, but was absolutely necessary.

WotsitWiggle · 28/08/2020 08:51

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter

You don't have to spend all day at scbu, most of the time your baby will be asleep. I did similar to you - I'd had a csection so couldn't drive and husband went back to work after a week so he could take his second week once baby came home. He used to go into work in the morning, come home at lunch and take me to the hospital, come back to the hospital after work and join me for an hour or so. I'd be there from about 1pm - 7pm, so I'd get 3 feeds in as the nurses would wait for me to arrive.

Are you expressing? Either by hand or pump? I did find the milk came easier after I'd seen my daughter, so would pump at the hospital, and every 3 hours including at 1am (would skip 4am and start again 7am). The middle of the night feed/pump helps trigger demand/supply for that day.

Have a photo and something that smells of your baby by you when you express, when you're doing it home. Drink plenty of water and eat - healthy is better but calories are what you need, so cake is fine if that's what you want.

If your daughter is being tube fed, hold her to your breast skin to skin whilst the milk goes in. It helps her brain learn that the breast is associated with food. She's still little for the suck reflex, so she may not get much before tiring but she will get stronger each day. The more you can manage of this, the easier it will get.

Best of luck

ThickFast · 28/08/2020 08:55

I had two babies in NICU. I’d probably spend about 10 hours a day there trying to get bf going and making sure I was doing all the nappy changes and things. Sometimes I’d go in the afternoon instead and stay til about 10pm. Sometimes morning and then have an evening at home. It was bone crushingly exhausting and I felt like I was gonna have a breakdown

Original poster
Esmeralda1988 · 28/08/2020 08:58

@WotsitWiggle yes using a hand pump and making sure to do a 2am session. She is starting to suck whilst being tube fed so there is progress. I get really varying levels of support when I go in, sometimes none, sometimes like yesterday a lot which is why I'm thinking I ought to be there more. On some days the nurses have wanted me to go and come back later after a couple of hours,I think they're trying to do social distancing between parents coming in. Anyway I'm up and showered and I'm going to go in for the day and take everyone's suggestions on board.

OP posts:
Howallergic · 28/08/2020 09:02

Sounds like typical exhaustion from birth. If she were home with you, you couldn't just sleep half the day and night. You need to accept that she is your baby and you need to put her first now. I wouldn't personally worry about breastfeeding as that seems to be a struggle, but I would try to be there for her more.

Parenting IS exhausting. It's a shock to the system, but you're not experiencing anything extraordinary.

FelicityPike · 28/08/2020 09:06

It’s the hardest thing. So horrible and people just don’t “get it”. We know.

Robs20 · 28/08/2020 09:06

It is really important that you recover as best you can before baby comes home - but - you need to be there as much as possible to establish feeding if you want to bf (and get home as quick as you can!). Dd1 was in nicu for 4 months so I know how draining it is to be there. Whilst it seem really difficult now, once you are home this time will be almost forgotten. We used to be there from 10-6/7 with a few breaks in the parents’ room to eat biscuits/ drink tea. It was mentally exhausting. I remember one of the nurses telling me that by the time babies are in scbu (if the hospital has nicu, high dependency and special care), they like the parent(s) to be there 12 hours a day as the baby is nearly ready to go home. I was quite surprised and wondered about the effect on the mum’s mental/ physical recovery.

I would take loads of snacks to eat in your breaks and a book to read when baby is sleeping. Good luck, I hope you are soon home together :)