SCBU should I be there all day? Feeling guilty

[Esmeralda1988]

I had my first baby on Monday at 34+3 after my waters went at exactly 34 weeks. The birth was pretty horrific partly as I was already shattered from a 3 day hospital stay, and ended in forceps and episiotomy in theatre. I lost quite a lot of blood but just under transfusion threshold. Baby is absolutely fine and a good weight, just need to establish feeding and she can come home. I'm really thrilled with her and the mental effects of the birth have faded fast. I wanted to breastfeed but 4 days later my milk still hasn't come in, so we 'practice' when I visit her. Because of coronavirus my partner is only allowed 2 hours a day with her but I can be there all the time. Which leads me to my worry.. should I be spending all day there with her? At the moment I go for 2 hours or so in the morning by myself then home for a few hours then back with my partner once he's finished work. I feel horribly guilty not being there all day but physically I feel dreadful, I'm still bleeding heavily, I'm short of breath and generally just want to lie down and recover after any activity. I want to get myself properly well before she comes home. I thought what I was doing was fine and a good balance until the nurse there yesterday suggested I stay the full day and 'pop out to town for a break and some food'. Its all I can do to make it back down to the ground floor of the hospital at the moment! Is there anyone who's been in a similar situation who can maybe make me feel better about this? I feel like such an awful person for not being with her as much as I possibly can

My baby was in for a month; born at 34 weeks. I had a c-section and was in for 5 days. I went daily until I caught a cold. Then I went every few days after that. I drove earlier than I should just to go and see him. Felt very guilty but I had been in hospital since I was 27 weeks and had another child at home. Do what is best for you. (He is now 25)

Granted, but I would be in my own home with the support of my partner and family. Which I would much prefer even if it did mean I was up all night. I'm not trying to avoid parenting! I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I just want to be able to take her home and look after her myself. It doesn't really feel like she's mine at the moment

Ask for your bloods, see if your GP prescribes you some iron if iron is low/near low. Sleep at night and spend the day there with your baby. Unfortunately, with new babies comes chronic exhaustion (which is why I've only ever had one).

Sorry to hear you are feeling so rough. Please get an urgent blood test. If you lost enough blood at birth to be near the transfusion limit, are still bleeding heavily, and feel breathless on exertion you are likely to be very anaemic and may need a transfusion or IV iron. (speaking as a nurse who also had similar experience and needed at emergency transfusion about 10 days post partum). All the best.

You're probably experiencing the baby blues right now too. You're lucky in that you can get a full nights sleep. But your really should make more of an effort than 4 hours a day for a newborn I think. You're their mother!

Congratulations OP. I remember this time very well, it's an incredibly stressful time.

I'm afraid I did spend pretty much all day with her in NICU and then as she moves through the rooms. We did 8 weeks! I'd stay until roughly 5pm then have to rush back for dd1 as her dad had to then go to work.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. But to try and show that yes it's the cheapest of times. I used to cry on the drs and nurses regularly but we also used to have long chats there too. I made a few mum friends.

I learnt how to do nappy changes with all the wires and also learnt who to tube feed. I basically was in charge of my dd whilst there.

In regards to the csection and bleeding. Is it worse than a heavy period? Make sure you are dosed up with all the drugs they've given you and stick religiously to taking them especially this first week.

The only positive thing about a newborn being in the neonatal unit is the fact the new mum can sleep. At least that's what the nurses used to tell me. Yes you need to wake to pump, but the rest is peaceful. I definitely recovered quickly compared to dd1's birth.

to you.

*not cheapest! Crappiest!

Thanks I'll go and see the midwife whilst I'm there. I'm only on 200mg of iron, probably not enough.

@Howallergic no parent with a baby in Nicu is in an way “lucky” to have a full nights sleep do you honestly think being away from your baby is in any way restful?

Is the need to establish breastfeeding the only reason the baby is in hospital?

If so, I would discharge yourselves and take her home. Presumably the HV will come and check how the feeding is going and you can give it much more time laid in your own bed. What if you had wanted to formula feed anyway?

If you still feel dreadful and lost a lot of blood, ask for your haemoglobin to be repeated. It may be that you might Now need a transfusion, and may feel so much better for it

Can you climb a full set of stairs without feeling your heart beating in your chest and needing to pause to regain your breath? Are you lightheaded after a shower or standing up too quickly? These will be things to tell the midwife. Be persistent because they are overworked and these things can be overlooked.
I was 'ignored' until eventually the midwife did a blood test on her final visit to my house after my mother insisted and the GP actually came to my house unannounced the same day to say get straight to hospital for a transfusion as my levels were dangerously low.
Sorry about my stupid user name, I can't work out how to change it on the app!

I wouldn't worry about feeding but think might want to be there a bit longer if you're physically able.
Can they put a bed next to her so you can nap but be there?

Just reiterating that you really need to get checked out and need to mention the breathlessness this could be result of low iron and can make you feel really unwell. It can also be a sign of other serious conditions such as a PE which are not uncommon after complicated births and prolonged periods of no moving around.

Anyone who tells you parenting is hard and to suck it up has no clue. Having a prem baby is so traumatic and of course you’d rather be with her and have her home. Sending a hug, she’ll be home soon and if your milk doesn’t come in, it’s not your fault. x

Everyone read the OP. She is struggling physically to cope with the visits she is able to make. She’s not going to do her or her DD any good if she gets ill.

It's first baby, so she probably doesn't know what a new baby entails and is stuck in a rock and a hard place with baby being 'looked after' while she can try to recover. Realistically, we know that mothers don't usually get that option, but things are derailed for the OP as baby is not at home with her as expected.

4 hours does seem v little for a newborn, although of course in olden days babies were taken to a different room to allow mothers to recover. Your last comment about not feeling like she’s your baby makes me wonder are you struggling to bond, which wouldn’t be surprising after a traumatic birth. I would suggest as much skin to skin as possible and keep an eye on your mental health, it’s perfectly normal to be down at this stage (baby blues) but watch out for PND if you’re still depressed in a few weeks time

I also think you need to get checked by your midwife. 4 days after my c section a walked from the hospital to the nearest supermarket to fetch nappies and supplies for my dts. I was a bit tired but not out of breath.

Re reading through OP I really think you need to speak to someone it sounds as though you've not quite recovered from a fairly traumatic birth and many parents struggle with feelings when babies are in the NICU and "feels like she is not really mine" is fairly common feeling to have there will be alot going on and you can feel sidelined in the care of your little one. You really need to concentrate on getting well yourself and talk to the NICU if your feeling overwhelmed and struggling to connect and find what your role is. It can be confusing when someone else is seemingly caring for your baby you can feel pushed out. Get well and talk about how your feeling and what's happened op please dont let anyone make you feel guilty, both you and your little one need some support.

I did 7 weeks in SCBU with my 32 weeker, and yes, I basically lived in there. I had a room there for a couple of weeks, and was also lucky to live very near the hospital, and he was my first so no pressure to be with another child. It was hard and I didn't necessarily get the balance right, but by being there a lot I benefited from building a rapore with the staff and being there for all the doctors rounds etc. I also made friends with the other parents there, who were very supportive as they knew the ups and downs of it all too. The more you can be there, the more at home you'll feel and like she is"yours". Despite the many horrors we went through, I did end up feeling at home there and have strangely fond memories of that time now.

@Esmeralda1988 No, you don’t have to be there all day. You need to do whatever works for you. You’ve been through a mentally and physically traumatic experience from which you need to recover and you need to be kind to yourself. You’re probably still in shock.

I have been through a similar experience and the one piece of advice I would give someone (and I say this irrespective of your thread) is to leave the NNU if you feel you need to. It is ok to want some space. I found the neonatal unit very intense and it’s ok to need a break to mentally process things (and that’s aside from the fact that you need to recover physically).

Realistically if you are going to establish breast feeding you will need to spend a lot of time there, but establish breast feeding absolutely should not be at the expense of your physical and emotional well being.

I feel like such an awful person for not being with her as much as I possibly can you really are not an awful person. You’re doing your best and you’re there as much as you possibly can be, if you felt able physically and emotionally to be there more, you would be there more.

I second what @FelicityPike says, it’s really hard and horrible and people just don’t “get it”. Have a big hug from me and if you don’t feel able to spend all day there don’t and don’t beat yourself up about it. Different people cope differently so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not being there more.

People are so so so harsh! I had two very poorly babies in NICU and SCBU. I didn't look after myself and it lead to severe PND.

OP baby is well cared for / I did spend a long time by my baby's incubator (both of them) at detriment to my own health I ended up back in theatre over an issue - lots of blood loss.

What I think helped me was getting a comfy chair by the incubator - also skin to skin but they should have pumps and a pump room at the hospital to pump milk? I asked for a pump by the incubator that helped with a little of my breastfeeding it ultimately failed though.

I guess you have to do what feels right for you so you are in your best health - I didn't want to leave my babies - but I know other parents who did leave their little ones and the babies were cared for by the staff.

It's entirely up to you - don't feel guilty - in hindsight I should have looked after myself a little more while my babies recovered.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Your feelings are totally normal. Firstly you must talk to the doctors about how rotten you feel. They need to make sure that physically they are helping you as much as possible

Secondly, there is no right or wrong when your baby is in a neonatal unit. Posters are correct that you will struggle to establish breastfeeding if you’re not there most of the day. I am assuming as a nearly 35 weeker the baby is in an open cot with not too many tubes? However, there is no right or wrong about how long per day you should be there.

Please have a look at www.bliss.org.uk who should have lots of information about having a baby on a neonatal unit and please talk to the nurses on the unit. You should be able to have 24/7 access to your baby and the nurse won’t have been criticising you she will be wanting to make sure you don’t feel that you can’t be with the baby.