SCBU should I be there all day? Feeling guilty

[Esmeralda1988]

I had my first baby on Monday at 34+3 after my waters went at exactly 34 weeks. The birth was pretty horrific partly as I was already shattered from a 3 day hospital stay, and ended in forceps and episiotomy in theatre. I lost quite a lot of blood but just under transfusion threshold. Baby is absolutely fine and a good weight, just need to establish feeding and she can come home. I'm really thrilled with her and the mental effects of the birth have faded fast. I wanted to breastfeed but 4 days later my milk still hasn't come in, so we 'practice' when I visit her. Because of coronavirus my partner is only allowed 2 hours a day with her but I can be there all the time. Which leads me to my worry.. should I be spending all day there with her? At the moment I go for 2 hours or so in the morning by myself then home for a few hours then back with my partner once he's finished work. I feel horribly guilty not being there all day but physically I feel dreadful, I'm still bleeding heavily, I'm short of breath and generally just want to lie down and recover after any activity. I want to get myself properly well before she comes home. I thought what I was doing was fine and a good balance until the nurse there yesterday suggested I stay the full day and 'pop out to town for a break and some food'. Its all I can do to make it back down to the ground floor of the hospital at the moment! Is there anyone who's been in a similar situation who can maybe make me feel better about this? I feel like such an awful person for not being with her as much as I possibly can

@Esmeralda1988 some people are really horrible. This site is supposed to support parents, not try to out martyr each other. Ignore all that, you’re clearly a loving mother and it will be ok 💐

Congrats on your baby.

29 wheeler for me, weighing 2lb 6oz, by CS.

I'm not sure if things are very different now since DD was born in 2002. I was in hospital myself for around 10 days so able to visit DD in Scbu when I liked, pretty much.

I tried to breastfeed but didn't get any milk. At no point was I put under any pressure to spend time at Scbu or to produce breast milk, although the hospital staff were amazingly supportive. I was given a pump to take home.

As she got bigger and stronger and able to leave her incubator, I would spend more time with her doing some skin to skin but I NEVER spent all day or hours on end at the hospital. Neither did any of the other parents.

She's in the care of the hospital and imho you should take your lead from them.

Whatever you do, please don't feel guilty. You've been through the mill enough.

Your baby will be just fine.

Oh - and ditch the hand pump! Hasn't the hospital got a super electric one you can use? The hospital once are far superior to anything you can buy.

OP you haven't abandoned your 4 day old baby! Get that thought out of your head.
Circumstances beyond your control mean you can't be with her 24 hours a day. If you are struggling to spend 2 hours twice a day with her then it's very likely you have a medical condition which needs looking into ASAP so that you are well enough to look after her (with support) 24 hours a day, when she can come home. Please be kind to yourself, I hope things are easier soon

I don't think there is a right and wrong with this , go with what you feel is best for you , years ago you would also have been a patient for a few days, resting post operation .
Your baby won't remember anything about this time, and don't beat yourself up if you can't establish breastfeeding either, don't spoil this time worrying abut what others think .

Congratualtions on your baby OP!

I'm so sorry you're finding it hard at the moment, it really is such a difficult time when you have a baby in NICU, and not something you can prepare for!

It is important to spend as much time with your baby as possible, especially if she is just needing to establish feeding to go home. It does sound like you could be spending more time with your girl. Lots of cuddles and skin to skin, please don't be afraid to speak up and ask the nurses if you can take over cares for the day.

I understand completly when you say she doesn't feel like she is yours yet, it was exactly the same for me. I felt like everyone else knew what was going on but I didn't have a clue! Can you talk to a nurse about how you're feeling?

Looking at photos of my boy while pumping helped a lot, you mentioned you had a hand pump, have you tried the hospital ones? They are very efficient and the hospital we were in allowed them to be rented. The middle of the night pumping SUCKED but it's essential to get supply going.
I echo other posters who said one day this will all feel like a distant memory. Good luck!

Well done to the fucking heartless idiots on this thread who have made a traumatised new mum feel much worse and have increased the risk of someone already at higher risk of developing PND even further. Well fucking done I hope you’re pleased with yourselves. I despair I really do.

OP I am so sorry.

Get a hospital grade pump. You should be pumping 8-10 times a day. They should also organise you to borrow the Medela for a small fee.

I had a v v premature baby so spent 10 weeks in hospital. My schedule looked something like this:

1. 6:30 am wake up and pump.
2. 7 am- wake up DS1. Get him ready and drop off to school.
3. 8:30 am. Reach the NICU. Pump.
4. 9 am ward rounds- hold the baby for as long as possible. I began doing skin to skin with my 26 weeker after his first week so from 27 week gestation. I would hold for 2-2.5 hours.
5. 11:30. Put back in incubator. Pump. Eat lunch.
6. 12:30-2:30. Hang around. When he was in a cot I would hold again. Or in the incubator I would read, sing, do cares.
7. 2:30 Pump. Leave for school run.
8. Take DS1 home. Spend time with him. Pump at 5 pm.
9. Pump at 7:30 pm. Then reach the NICU by 8:30.
10. Hold from 8:30-10:30. Put him back in the incubator at 10:30.
11. Either pump before leaving or come home and pump.

10. Fall asleep around 11:30-12. Wake up at 3 am for a pump.

That’s 8 expressing sessions in roughly 24 hours. By 35 weeks he was fully latching on, but after each breastfeed I was advised to pump as well. I had breastfed DS1 so was well aware that no baby breastfeeds ‘only’ 8 times a day so I would let him stay at the breast for as long as possible both to build up supply and for him to get the hang of it.
We came home at 36 weeks.

Sorry when I say ‘should’ I mean if you want to! In order to establish supply that’s sort of the recommended amount but it is hard to do. Very hard. Hope my schedule helps a little.

Firstly congrats! My DS was in NICU/SCBU for 7 weeks and it was incredibly hard. I had an emergency section and was in hospital a week before discharge. I did visit him a lot whilst there and after discharge I was spending almost the whole day there and my husband would visit a few hours in the evening (only one parent at a time unfortunately).

In all honestly it really wrecked my recovery and took me much longer to recover.. I had extreme swelling of my feet/ankles and sitting upright on a hard chair wasn't helpful! So it really took a long time until I felt better. I also drove sooner than I should have. However I don't think I'd change it as I just really wanted to be there for him as he had quite a few medical issues so constant blood tests etc so he was in quite a bit of discomfort :( not quite the same as you.

Funnily enough the nurses actually used to comment I was there too much and to look after myself more. A few even alluded to I was holding him too much and 'spoiling' him! So just do what feels right for you. If she'll likely be discharged in a week that'd be fab and hopefully you'll be feeling better by then. Good luck.

My milk never came in. I’m in awe of the posters who had pumping schedules. I could not do that I was alone with two babies in Nicu and an absent father do I did it all alone with not help, even after the dts came home. Don’t be hard on your self OP

Pumping is hard. Very hard. Basically I had kept a breastfeeding diary with DS1 who like all newborns basically fed endlessly in the first 6 weeks. I originally pumped to that schedule so sometimes nearly 10-12 times in 24 hours in an attempt to trick my body into thinking I had a full term baby. To be fair in the first week we weren’t even allowed to put our hands inside the incubator so I had more time to pump as well. It also helped that I had breastfed before so when he did finally latch on, I knew what a good latch felt like.
I am in awe of anyone with more than one baby just getting through SCBU and the newborn days, let alone breastfeeding. It’s all consuming.
I also had lots of family support. MIL and my mother flew in from Asia and provided round the clock support.

Congratulations to you both xx You do what's best for you, you know how you are feeling and if your not well enough to stay longer then don't. Nobody should judge you for that xx Sending hugs xx 💐

I'm so sorry OP that this thread has caused you pain and more distress. I think the way in which other posters have made their comments are extremely heartless and have no empathy and understanding. I hope that the comments of those who have made helpful comments have helped you and you manage to feel better soon and get your precious baby home soon. Xxx

OP, please ignore the heartless posters. Those who have been there and have a shred of empathy know what you are going through.

I had a 34 week baby in SCBU and your post has brought back all the feelings.

I had people tell me I'm lucky I get to have a full rest and have someone else care for my baby

I felt guilt whenever I wasn't there, but I was in a great deal of pain and the chairs in there really didn't aid my recovery.

I ended up in tears to my midwife that I was worried I wasn't getting the a balance right. She was wonderful and reassured me. The SCBU staff are amazing people. I am forever in debt to them for the care they gave my baby. They are so focused on what they do, but they don't know your medical history or what you are going through. Maybe say to them that you are struggling with pain and do they have or are y allowed to bring in more visions, footrest etc to make you more comfortable?

Please be kind to yourself OP. You are going through a deeply traumatic time and it will take a while to recover, both physically and mentally.

Your baby is thriving as they are in the best place. Take the advice of the staff there, but tell them when you are struggling. They have seen it all before and may know what will help.

Soon you will get your baby home, to cuddle and care for away from feeling on show all the time, and it really is the best feeling.

Some posters are being cruel and unrealistic to a new mum who is physically struggling.

It may also be worth asking if your hospital have a family support worker to talk to if you feel it would help. There was one at my hospital specifically for the NICU/SCBU and she was amazing if we had worries/questions /concerns

OP, you poor thing, sounds like you and lots of the other mothers posting on here have really had a difficult time. Definitely get yourself a nice double electric pump, you can rent both spectra double pumps and Medela pumps on a month by month basis. You can download plenty of apps for pumping reminders (on a 3 hour schedule etc) and also for tracking your milk supply and stored milk. I’ve attached some pumping information for you!

I’m sure you’re trying your best, but perhaps seeing a midwife would be a wonderful idea to help with your recovery. :flowers

If you can, try and spend a minimum of 6-8 hours with her. It's as beneficial to you as it is to her for bonding. She needs you more than just 4 hours a day tbh. If it had been a full term delivery you'd be home with her all of the time so you ought to be with her as much as physically possible while she is in SCBU. My eldest was 3lb when born at 34 weeks and I was there from 8.30am after dropping hubby to work, quick 30 mins lunch in the hospital cafe, then stayed until about 9pm at night. Hubby would come after work at about 5 and bring a dinner that we would warm up in the family room. So yes, it was full on but it meant breastfeeding was established despite her being so tiny and the nurses and doctors said that due to me being so present it had made a world of difference to her so she was discharged 3 weeks later just shy of 4lb. They said although small on discharge they knew that I knew exactly what to do for her... Only because I'd spent so much time by her bedside, doing her cares/tube feeds, establishing breast feeding and skin to skin. Yes I felt like I'd been hit by a bus but at that point she came first. And ultimately when you go home at night you get a full night's sleep...which you wouldn't be getting if she was home!

Hey OP, you may not read this as you have asked for the thread to be removed but I think I probably spent around 4 hours a day with my newborn in the NICU.

I had him right before lockdown and while I was still in hospital I was sat by him all day then 3 days later full lockdown happened and visiting was restricted to 1-7pm and myself and my husband took turns.

I felt hideously guilty that part of me actually felt relief about the restricted visiting so then I wouldn't have the option of feeling guilty about not being with him 24/7. I found it really hard to see him in there, I didn't call him by his name until he came home, I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up when he was better.

It was a horrible time but I am so in love with him and I don't feel that start has affected our bond. (Although I wasn't able to establish breastfeeding)

Please don't worry about breastfeeding. Least of your worries.

Be kind to yourself.

Is this your first?

I bet this isn't the introduction to motherhood you expected?

Giving birth is traumatic enough without the difficult birth you had

and now your baby is in hospital not with you in the comfort of your own home whilst you recover (which you need to do too)

Plus Covid making everything not normal

Your partner is at work - any other family about to support you?

You need care here that you don't develop PND

Nobody gives you a manual on what to do or how to act when you have a premature baby you'll work your way through it just be kind

And

Congratulations and good luck!

Also please ask if there is someone from Bliss you can speak to. They have a helpline as well.

First of all be kind to yourself. Having a prem baby is exhausting, scary and no-one has the right to judge you. You do what you need to do to get through.
My daughter was a 2lb 5oz 30 weeker - she had stopped growing and I had eclampsia so emergency CS. 12 weeks in NICU , some days I managed all day, others only a few hours. Never managed to establish BF as she was entirely tube fed a special high calorie feed but we both survived.
Shes now 25 and just completed her masters. Things can work out even if it feels impossible.
And to the poster who commented about at least getting a good night's sleep I can assure you that sleeping with one ear open waiting for the phone to ring with potentially devastating news is just as exhausting as waking for feeds. You cant know how it feels unless you have experienced it and judging someone for doing what they need to do to cope is shit.

This is sometimes an unpopular thing to say that you do need to be there more even if you're tired and feel like shit. This is your into to parenthood where baby comes first even when you're poorly. DD spent 9 days in SCBU and was admitted 3 hours after birth. I also had a terrible birth experience, c section and negligent midwife that landed DD fighting for her life. She wouldn't feed but I expressed around the clock. I was there every 2.5.hours to feed, change and cuddle her. That's not to be a martyr but because its what was best for her and what she needed. I saw a lot of parents pop in for an hour a day or a few hours but never a night and I just couldn't believe it. Dd was discharged far earlier than she would have been because the staff knew I was informed and could care for her. Other parents were being told that they basically needed to do better and be there more or baby wouldn't be discharged. If you are trying to establish bfing have they got a parent room you can stay in? If not you really do need to be there more during the day if you can't be there at night. Its a short period of time to get baby home.