SCBU should I be there all day? Feeling guilty

[Esmeralda1988]

I had my first baby on Monday at 34+3 after my waters went at exactly 34 weeks. The birth was pretty horrific partly as I was already shattered from a 3 day hospital stay, and ended in forceps and episiotomy in theatre. I lost quite a lot of blood but just under transfusion threshold. Baby is absolutely fine and a good weight, just need to establish feeding and she can come home. I'm really thrilled with her and the mental effects of the birth have faded fast. I wanted to breastfeed but 4 days later my milk still hasn't come in, so we 'practice' when I visit her. Because of coronavirus my partner is only allowed 2 hours a day with her but I can be there all the time. Which leads me to my worry.. should I be spending all day there with her? At the moment I go for 2 hours or so in the morning by myself then home for a few hours then back with my partner once he's finished work. I feel horribly guilty not being there all day but physically I feel dreadful, I'm still bleeding heavily, I'm short of breath and generally just want to lie down and recover after any activity. I want to get myself properly well before she comes home. I thought what I was doing was fine and a good balance until the nurse there yesterday suggested I stay the full day and 'pop out to town for a break and some food'. Its all I can do to make it back down to the ground floor of the hospital at the moment! Is there anyone who's been in a similar situation who can maybe make me feel better about this? I feel like such an awful person for not being with her as much as I possibly can

I hope all these comments about 'to the poster who said least you get a good night's sleep...' aren't about me?! That's not what I said at all! And if you'd read my post it clearly stated that I have been through it actually! My daughter was a 29 weeker and in for 8 weeks.

And actually, compared to when she was in NICU and fighting for her life, by the time she was growing (albeit very slowly) in sbcu, I DID sleep better than when she came home.

OP, you've had a hard time on here and in particularly in real life. It's been an almighty shit week for you. I'd try and ask your partner to take his paternity leave now (is he waiting until she comes home?) or at least maybe after the bank holiday so you can get some support. Do you have any other family around to help? Lots of and .

I went to the post natal ward to get checked, glad I did as they suspect a PE so having blood thinners and some scans. Thanks to all who told me to get looked at, I thought I was just recovering slowly or being a bit of a wuss. I've also managed to assert myself a bit better at SCBU and agreed more of a plan to move DD forward, so I've got a much better understanding of what she needs and how I can do that for her. I've not had a baby before and I always imagined learning nappy changing and how to line up the poppers on a babygrow at home with my partner rather than feeling awkward in front of other people who are doing everything for your baby that you should be. But things don't always work out how you expect. I feel like mum when I'm there then just normal me when I'm not, and it's really hard to assimilate the two. I've been sat on the ward with all the new mums this afternoon watching them with their babies and thinking how much of a different experience it must be to have your baby and not be letting them go again.
I'm leaving this up because I hope it'll help someone else, especially with the post birth breathlessness, and do really appreciate the good advice I've had.

Oh, so pleased you got checked. Hopefully they’ll be able to sort you out a bit and then things will feel so much better.

And yes, I knew nothing about babies when i had mine: hard enough without being under expert eyes! Hope you feel better soon 💐

Glad you feel a bit better today. I actually think the time in NICU traumatised me. So ignore people being harsh. Although I spent hours there, I didn’t for the first couple of days coz I was so wrecked from the c section. And it’s really hard having all these experts around and to feel like such a beginner even though it’s your baby. It takes a while to get into the swing of it and to be more pushy with the nurses. To know how to take charge in a way. At first it was like this: I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s pretty much all I had going on in my head. I still feel jealous sometimes when I see mums with their newborns at home. But you’ll get there and your baby will be home soon.

Hi op, I’m glad you’ve been checked out, hopefully you’ll feel better soon.

DC2 was in nicu, has anyone mentioned that you maybe admitted to a transitional care ward together after she’s passed through nicu, scbu and hdu? No one had told me this and we ended up in for 10 days. It really threw me as I was expecting to go home after she was released from hdu.

Really positive Esmerelda. Time for you to don your I'M THE MAMMY cap and look on it as the first of many times.
Joyful times to come, despite this shit start, but YOU are the baby's Mum, YOU are the one who will be caring 24/7 after discharge, YOU are the one who carried her and gave birth to her and YOU are the one who will rear her until she's 18 (God willing).
So get checked out (hope it's not a PE as I've had one and very painful), hope you get bloods checked for low iron etc. (ask for a copy) and best of luck to you.

I'm probably one of the posters who seemed harsh, but genuinely, birth (particularly a traumatic one), is a massive shock to the system. When baby comes home it will be hard as it will be just you with no professionals to ask. Birth is such a shock to mothers, that I wish there was something to prepare you.

Glad to hear you've been checked out and you're being looked after. Hope your baby is home with you soon and your back to 100%!

@Esmeralda1988
How are you doing? I really hope you’re starting to feel a bit better.

Just popping in to send good wishes.

@FlyingLemur loads better thanks, expressing and just started bottle feeding her yesterday, spending more time with her and feel more comfortable and less in the way at the unit. I discovered last night that there was a whole induction process that should have been gone through with us when she was admitted which covered things like expressing, times to visit, when you can see a Dr etc which would have been helpful to know a week ago! Might seem obvious to have asked but I didn't really have it together last week. Much better now, hopefully she'll be able to come home sooner rather than later. Thanks for your support- was really helpful

Oh and I didn't have a PE, just need increased iron. Still shaky but just when I've got up rather than all day so hopefully that'll improve over time too.

Good news.😊 Keep an eye on how you feel with the iron, as I said I felt immediately better after a transfusion.

That all sounds positive. I would never have thought to ask about an induction process for the NNU either (or suggest it to you!) and I say that after having had a baby there for 2 weeks.

I hope you’re looking after yourself too. It’s easy to forget yourself in all this. Fingers crossed she continues to make good progress and you can come home quite soon. If she’s doing well with the bottle feeds already it sounds like coming home isn’t too far off.

Oh OP I've just seen this and the shitty comments. My DN was born at 30 weeks and my dsis had a traumatic birth. I remember her telling me that she felt so guilty as she felt like she should be there as there were parents who were there all day but didn't want to be, she wanted to be at home with baby. She built up her time slowly on the ward as she became more comfortable and on days she couldnt manage it, I went with her for support. It's so hard in this situation, and others may have gone through it but do not know exactly what you are feeling. Please do not give yourself a hard time, you are unwell yourself and it is a traumatic time. Please take care of yourself, you will soon have your baby with you at home, and congratulations

@Dillydallyingthrough thank you! I totally get how your sister felt. Its so hard to leave her as well, and still such a shock that we have a baby already. Hoping she'll come home soon and we can resume (as much as you can with a newborn) normal life.

I'm so happy that you are feeling better OP, I was so worried about you xx

@Pugdoglife
Me too and the absolutely shitty comments from some of the posters on here which the OP seemed to have really taken to heart made me worry more.

My milk never came in. I’m in awe of the posters who had pumping schedules. I could not do that I was alone with two babies in Nicu and an absent father do I did it all alone with not help, even after the dts came home. Don’t be hard on your self OP

Well I’m in awe of you with DTS and an absent father.

OP
My first was a few weeks early and the lack of feeling like a mother is familiar. There was a strange disconnect at being physically still unwell after the birth but no longer the hospital’s responsibility. Speaking to your GP about your own health would be a good idea. Hospitals usually employ lactation consultants- even if they can’t come to the ward maybe speaking to one or a NCT counsellor over the phone would help put a feeding plan in place.
I hope your DD is home with you very soon

discovered last night that there was a whole induction process that should have been gone through with us when she was admitted which covered things like expressing, times to visit, when you can see a Dr etc which would have been helpful to know a week ago!

That isn’t good enough really, and might be worth feeding back to the ward manager at the end of your stay.

When mine was in SCBU the nurses told me to think of it like I currently had the best trained babysitters on hand, so to visit as and when I felt it was ok. That mummy's health was important too. Generally speaking I spent most of each day with her but I did leave one day for a bbq with a few friends and neighbours at our village hall. I was only gone a few hours and it did make me feel a lot better. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing.

Gosh some of these comments make me feel dreadful. I did what I could in terms of being with my 31weeker when he was in NICU but with an elder child at home to care for in a new area with no support, my partner being back at work, the NICU being an hours drive away and I had had a section and couldn't drive, circumstances were extremely hard. I still managed to spend time with him every day and my partner spent time with him in the evenings. I was lucky that my milk came in and so I wasn't relaxing and chilling out at home, I was expressing every 2 hours day and night, killing myself with guilt and anxiety and trying to be a parent to my DD on top of it. I think it's really easy to sit in judgement here

OP, I'm glad you have got a plan moving forward and I think you should do what you feel is right and comfortable for your family. Very soon you will have your little girl home in your arms and it will be the best feeling ever

My daughter was born at 31 weeks. I used to go in for the morning then go home and try to nap then go back with husband in the evening. Being there all day would be tough and this was 13 years ago so no covid or anything. A big big hug for you. Hope she's home soon xxx

Oh yes totally didnt feel like a mum. It's a horrible and terrifying experience that you cant understand unless you've been through it.

When I say go home and nap I actually used to go home and just cry for several hours.

Yes it's hardly chilling out at home and sleeping when you're expressing and waking up panicking that your baby isn't with you, even though you've never actually had her with you.
Anyway, she came home on Sunday! Couldn't be happier, no more hospital, everyone in one place and normality (or as much as you can have with a newborn) at last. Really admire those who had longer stays with their little ones, it's such a difficult thing to go through especially at the moment with restricted visiting.