Abortion dilemma please help x

[Cwoffeelover1]

I know no one can make the decision for me and it will ultimately come down to my choice but does anyone have any words of wisdom from experience or just advice on what they would do? It’s hard from the inside looking out especially when I’m so emotional right now…

So I found out a week and half ago I’m pregnant (unplanned).. it couldn’t have come at a worst time for the following reasons…

Me and my kids dad have been on and off for along time now due to his ongoing cocaine/ alcohol addiction and I have finally got him out of my house for me and my kids to start a fresh

I have a 1 and 9 year old already would have 2 under 2 at one point

I only live in a 2 bed apartment (can’t afford to move right now as rent is too expensive)

I left uni due to anxiety and have recently been taking antidepressants I felt my mood was improving and I was on my way to going back to uni or work

Due to me not working financially it is tough we couldn’t afford to take the kids on holiday with family this year

My baby was also poorly after birth and that was really traumatic I don’t know how it will affect my mental health this time

As you can see the odds are stacked against me.. practically and logically I cannot have this baby my brain sees that it would be for the best for myself my children to be as we are and work on the kids I already have and myself.

I know the only way I could afford this baby is if I worked hard but with limited support from family and unreliable support from their dad I couldn’t afford 2 nursery’s and school clubs to even do that so I’d be completely snookered and I’m worried all of my children would suffer from my financial strain

I’m booked in to the clinic tomorrow to have a dating scan and they said I can have the medication given to me there to take home I know it’s the right thing to do and all this will be over

It’s just breaking my heart the guilt I feel towards it I’ll be 6 weeks tomorrow I came off my antidepressants when I found out and started taking prenatal vitamins I just keep feeling like I’m betraying it it’s one of my children like my other children and I’m not giving it a chance like they have had it’s hurting me so much do you think when I’ve took the tablets my mind will stop wandering and I will feel relief even if heartbroken

I read as far as 'cocaine/alcohol addiction' and don't need to read the rest. Terminate. For your own sake and the child's.

You are making the right decision - having a baby wouldn’t enhance your life at all at this time. It would hurt your current children.

Wishing you lots of luck

I would encourage you to talk to one of the free counselling services such as bpas. Talking it through with someone independent may help you make the right decision and feel comfortable with the decision you make.

Really you think people can’t have their own opinions and not want to have an abortion for personal reasons?

If it’s perfectly fine to say women can have them it’s also perfectly fine for individual women to not want to have them - thats their that is everything pro choice is about. It’s a choice and thank goodness we have it.

Let’s not shame anyone for their personal choices

Honest opinion, dont make a bad situation worse. Its hard but the right decision imho x

Oh I'm sorry you have to make this decision. What would be best for you? I hate that you feel guilt for what may be the best decision for you.

I had an abortion because I would not have been able to give the baby a good life at the time and I have never regretted it once. But that is my situation, I cannot speak for yours. Try not to judge yourself but I realise that is easier said than done.

Have you thought about adoption as a possibility? There are no “good” solutions here, but from what you’ve said about how this is one of your children and the hurt and heartbreak you’re feeling at the idea of not giving it a chance, I’d be concerned about the emotional aftermath of an abortion for you. Again, I acknowledge that there are no “good” solutions here and that any of them will be difficult.

I think the aftermath of an abortion is probably easier to cope with than the gruelling process of giving birth and then giving the baby up.

I'd make a list of the pro's and con's ..I think you will see a longer list of pro's if you have a termination. Look after the children you already have plus yourself of course..

For some people it will be and for some people it won’t be.

I empathise with your struggles but as others have said a termination seems to be the correct decision based on OP. Bringing another child into this situation would add mental and financial strain on an already difficult situation. Focus on your relationships with your existing DC and draw on those for strength when dealing with the aftermath.

This really, sorry it’s tough OP x

I can see how you feel as if you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I agree with what others have said you need to speak to a counsellor who will enable and support you to make an informed choice. Though I’m against abortion unless for very, very extenuating circumstances and in your scenario (unless I’m missing something) I couldn’t but I accept that not everything is black and white. It’s a very personal choice that only you can make. The one thing to take away is you’re a good mum who’s trying their best.
Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.

I don’t think one person ever would find the aftermath of the adoption route easier for them. It will
also never end with the worry and thinking about the child, if they’re happy etc.

You've listed many valid, thoughtful reasons why terminating is the right thing to do. I think you just need us to give you "permission" so here's mine.

Obviously not! I wouldn't be able to cope with it emotionally. Why would you pick up on a turn of phrase like that when it's the OP's thread about their decision?!

It’s your decision obviously but given everything you’ve said, I would terminate in your situation. I understand why that isn’t easy but you already have 2 lovely DC to consider and you’re clearly not in a position to have a third. Sorry you’re going through this. You deserve some independence now away from your ex. Get back to uni and turn your life around.

“There is an ignorant callousness in the assumption that all women who become unintentionally pregnant can resort to abortion to keep their family size in check. That is simply untrue. Yes, for a growing proportion of women, abortion is used as another method of birth control. But for others, it is an unimaginable horror.”

Ann Furedi, abortion-rights activist, former chief executive of BPAS, and author of The Moral Case for Abortion: A Defence of Reproductive Choice

https://www.spiked-online.com/2024/07/21/the-inhumanity-of-the-two-child-benefit-cap/

No one is doing anyone any favors by acting like abortion is or should be an easy thing for every woman to do.

In your situation I would abort yes. Every time.

Yes i would. He wont change, he needs to want to come off the drugs himself which he clearly doesnt. Need to put your two kids first.

I’m sorry you are going through this but I think the best thing for you and your existing children is not to go ahead with this pregnancy.

I fear you will be in a dire situation if you continue.

You may not think one person ever would, but I know several who have. Let’s not be dismissive of the wide range of feelings women can have about reproductive choices, please.

You've worked so hard to get away from your Ex and get back to a better life Op, I agree that an abortion would be your best option.

I had an abortion when I became pregnant for the 4th time. I was in a stable marriage but my three children were young (youngest was 6months), I was on the pill so it wasn’t planned and it would have made things impossible financially. It would have made me working pointless as childcare fees meant it would cost us money for me to work. And that would have had a detrimental effect on my existing children. I did feel some guilt, as you have, as I had kept my other pregnancies. But I recognised I had to put those children first, they were already here and needed me. A 4th child just would have been too much to cope with physically and mentally as well as financially and the impact it would have on them was too much for me. 4 years later and I don’t regret it.

You’re doing the right thing by prioritising the children you already have.

I know nobody…… how strange that you happen to know several people who had children adopted? What circles do you mix in that several people have chosen that option.

I also don’t know several people that have terminated, just two in my lifespan, I’m over 60 as well.