Struggling - pregnant with number 3

[Mummaof2littlemonkeys]

Hello,

Please please be kind and patient and I’m feeling absolutely awful, and so stupid and irresponsible.
Me And DH have 2 children, one of each gender, ages 6 and 3. I’ve always wanted 3 children, DH wanted to stick at 2. I always hoped he would change his mind (refused to get rid of baby stuff, maternity clothes, etc) but I accepted last spring it wouldn’t happen. Fast forward to May24 and I find out I’m pregnant. Totally unexpected, we stupidly relied on a period tracking app to figure out when my ‘safe’ (non fertile days) were, turns out it wasn’t reliable. I was totally shocked, and DH was adamant we would have to terminate. We couldn’t afford a third baby whilst giving the 2 children we had the life we wanted, we would have to move house so all children could have their own room, the strain would cause us to split etc. he was really not very kind at all, and it put a huge strain on us. At this point I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I wasn’t able to think straight and I felt so alone, at one point even hoping for a miscarriage so I couldn’t make the ‘wrong’ choice. After 2 weeks he could see how he his behaviour had affected me, apologised and said he would back off to let me figure out what I wanted, and try to be more positive, and he was. Sadly 2 days later I started bleeding heavily, and ended up having a miscarriage. Since then I have been an absolute mess, felt so guilty, regretful, resentful of DH for putting me under so much stress. It felt like everywhere I turned friends and family were falling pregnant, including those having their 3rd babies.
DH said multiple times that we could try again but I didn’t believe he really meant it, that was just trying to make up for how he treated me beforehand.
anyway come January, when my due date was, I was feeling so lost, felt something was missing. I kinda threw caution to the wind and stopped even trying to look at my fertile days, and said to DH that anytime of the month we had sex we took the risk that I would fall pregnant again, which he was fine with. I think in my mind if I fell pregnant again straight away, then we were ‘meant’ to have a third child.

last week I start to feel sick, sore boobs, cramps, and now I am 4 days late for my period. I haven’t taken a test because I feel like I don’t want to know (even though I do know, I’m never ever late), and I feel such a state of panic. I don’t know how I could be so stupid to let this happen again without knowing for sure how I felt. I think I just felt so broken by the miscarriage that I thought the only way I would heal would be to get pregnant again. But now I feel so much regret , am willing my period to come and this all be a big mistake. DH has been totally different this time round, saying we can make it work, he would love the baby if we have it, he will support whatever I decide, etc.

I just keep thinking I am taking away from the two children I have, whether than be bedroom space, resources, time, etc. I am totally panicking, and am flirting between crying constantly, then thinking it could be ok, and then feeling totally numb. I just don’t know what to do. But I don’t know if I could go through with a termination (no judgement at all here, totally pro choice, I’m just so scared of the potential regret I would feel afterwards, especially knowing how the miscarriage guilt has weighed on me). I feel so stuck and conflicted, and so so angry with myself.

if you’ve managed to get this far thank you for your patience. I know it ultimately has to be my decision, I am just really struggling right now and need to get it all out.

Sounds like it was quite likely a blip. How did you feel when you saw the 3+?

I'm still here in solidarity with you. I'm 7+6 today and also have the tablets sat ready to go, but can't bring myself to take them. I don't know how to work out if I'm feeling this way because of my hormones or because this has all become reality now 😭 I wish I could be not pregnant for just a day to see how the more rational not pregnant me thinks without having to commit one way or another and potentially making a huge mistake 😭

Could well have just been a blip then. Only said as it can be a red flag for ectopic. Unlikely to be by 8+ weeks though.

I'd say that by not making a decision then you are making a decision, if that makes sense. And sometimes it's nice to leave things to the universe.

Do you have any days where you're feeling positive? Have you told anyone apart from your husband in real life? Have you spoken to a midwife?

Someone I know found out they were pregnant with their 2nd child at the start of the year, after having unprotected sex once, and completely panicked (after umming and ahhing for a couple of years over whether to have another). Something that helped them was to tell people and see their excited reactions. They've just had their 12 weeks scan and still have moments of worry but are feeling so much better.

I can't remember the limit to take the tablets at home - is it 9 weeks?

@KLRJ truthfully, when I saw the 3+ again, I burst into tears. I’m the same. Sat staring at the pills yesterday for hours, crying, but couldn’t take them. I feel like I just don’t want this, but I do feel like in years to come I will feel regret. I wish I could say something to help you, but I feel just as stuck as you are.

@ByDreamyMintNewt absolutely, by not making a decision I am making a decision. I haven’t booked in with a midwife yet, another reason I’m panicking. I have told three friends, but they all know how I’m feeling so they haven’t shown any excitement (albeit lots of support) as they know I am so confused right now.

the limit is 9+6 weeks, so I really am running out of time.

i regret my abortion enormously I wouldn’t wish this on anyone

Mine was my 3rd my children are missing a sibling. I cry all the time

Hello all,

wanted to give an update. I wasn’t able to take the tablets, was in a blind panic and a friend recommended I enquire about surgery, just to buy me some more time to try and establish how I felt. When I spoke to MSI regarding this I said to them I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I knew I couldn’t take the tablets. I was invited in for a pre-op consultation, advised there was no pressure, I could cancel/rebook appointments at any time.

I went for the pre-op consultation when I was 9+4 (9 weeks exactly according to LMP but my cycle is approx 23/24 days on average). They initially tried an abdominal scan, but were unable to get a clear view or take measurements, I did think this was strange because in previous pregnancies I’ve been able to have abdominal scans and get a clear view at this point. They did an internal, then sat me down and explained that they could see 3 pregnancies, but none of them seemed viable. One had no fetal pole, the other two did, but no fetal pulse, and were measuring at 5+6. They said I had two options, I either have termination surgery next week, or they refer to me to the EPU to confirm a miscarriage, as MSI are not able to do this, despite the discrepancy in dates.

I still feel in shock at this, I thought I was choosing between possibly having a third child or not, I wasn’t expecting to hear this news at all. I feel sad about the way this has gone of course, but there is no way we could have coped with triplets, or even twins. Ideally I would have gone via the EPU as the hospital is much closer to my house (which makes a difference with childcare), I would get testing for molar pregnancy afterwards, however from experience it is such a long drawn out process, I will have to go back for at least one more scan to verify that the pregnancies aren’t viable (even though there is no way the dates they measured could be right), possibly two as I don’t know if they could actually consider the scan from MSI as evidence at all? And I run the risk of passing the pregnancy naturally whilst I’m waiting. I’m worried as it looks like it all stopped growing 4 weeks ago now, and I haven’t had any bleeding, although I have had lots of cramping, throughout the pregnancy but more so the last few days (although this could be psychological as I had the scan on Tuesday), my nausea has totally gone, I don’t feel pregnant in any way at all.
So it looks like I am best placed to go via MSI but for some reason I’m terrified of a molar pregnancy, and the pregnancy tissue won’t be tested if I go with them.

The last 6 or so weeks have been a total emotional rollercoaster for me and my husband. It feels bizarre that I felt like this wasn’t ‘right’, and it turns out it isn’t? I just want this whole thing over and focus on my two beautiful children.

Thank you so much for the update Mummaof2, I've been thinking of you. I'm so sorry that you received such unexpected news, but I'm glad you are getting all the information you can. If you had just taken the abortion pills you would have always wondered what might have been, and now you are getting some answers, even if it means there was no chance of having a baby from this surprise pregnancy, you'll know that you gave having another child a chance. If the outcome is already known, you don't have much of a choice, but I still wish you peace and comfort at what is a difficult time. At least it sounds like the choice was made for you. Take good care of yourself, and I hope this all has a good resolution.