Struggling - pregnant with number 3

[Mummaof2littlemonkeys]

Hello,

Please please be kind and patient and I’m feeling absolutely awful, and so stupid and irresponsible.
Me And DH have 2 children, one of each gender, ages 6 and 3. I’ve always wanted 3 children, DH wanted to stick at 2. I always hoped he would change his mind (refused to get rid of baby stuff, maternity clothes, etc) but I accepted last spring it wouldn’t happen. Fast forward to May24 and I find out I’m pregnant. Totally unexpected, we stupidly relied on a period tracking app to figure out when my ‘safe’ (non fertile days) were, turns out it wasn’t reliable. I was totally shocked, and DH was adamant we would have to terminate. We couldn’t afford a third baby whilst giving the 2 children we had the life we wanted, we would have to move house so all children could have their own room, the strain would cause us to split etc. he was really not very kind at all, and it put a huge strain on us. At this point I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I wasn’t able to think straight and I felt so alone, at one point even hoping for a miscarriage so I couldn’t make the ‘wrong’ choice. After 2 weeks he could see how he his behaviour had affected me, apologised and said he would back off to let me figure out what I wanted, and try to be more positive, and he was. Sadly 2 days later I started bleeding heavily, and ended up having a miscarriage. Since then I have been an absolute mess, felt so guilty, regretful, resentful of DH for putting me under so much stress. It felt like everywhere I turned friends and family were falling pregnant, including those having their 3rd babies.
DH said multiple times that we could try again but I didn’t believe he really meant it, that was just trying to make up for how he treated me beforehand.
anyway come January, when my due date was, I was feeling so lost, felt something was missing. I kinda threw caution to the wind and stopped even trying to look at my fertile days, and said to DH that anytime of the month we had sex we took the risk that I would fall pregnant again, which he was fine with. I think in my mind if I fell pregnant again straight away, then we were ‘meant’ to have a third child.

last week I start to feel sick, sore boobs, cramps, and now I am 4 days late for my period. I haven’t taken a test because I feel like I don’t want to know (even though I do know, I’m never ever late), and I feel such a state of panic. I don’t know how I could be so stupid to let this happen again without knowing for sure how I felt. I think I just felt so broken by the miscarriage that I thought the only way I would heal would be to get pregnant again. But now I feel so much regret , am willing my period to come and this all be a big mistake. DH has been totally different this time round, saying we can make it work, he would love the baby if we have it, he will support whatever I decide, etc.

I just keep thinking I am taking away from the two children I have, whether than be bedroom space, resources, time, etc. I am totally panicking, and am flirting between crying constantly, then thinking it could be ok, and then feeling totally numb. I just don’t know what to do. But I don’t know if I could go through with a termination (no judgement at all here, totally pro choice, I’m just so scared of the potential regret I would feel afterwards, especially knowing how the miscarriage guilt has weighed on me). I feel so stuck and conflicted, and so so angry with myself.

if you’ve managed to get this far thank you for your patience. I know it ultimately has to be my decision, I am just really struggling right now and need to get it all out.

I have three children of mixed sex and similar ages. During my third pregnancy, I had all the fears and worries you have. Some of those fears are real, but they're also not as big as they were in my head when I was pregnant, and it turns out they don't really matter. Our third is a joy and is adored by the older two. Obviously my situation may be different to yours in many respects, but don't make a decision based on "what is" and anxiety. It sounds like this is something that at least part of you must have truly wanted. Lots of people have three children.

It's very early. So step 1, take a test. Step 2, breathe and talk to your husband and anyone else you trust. Give yourself as much time as you can, and if you are pregnant then try and embrace any positive feelings you have.

However, if you are pregnant and you still consistently feel terrible, there's nothing wrong with having an abortion. It is not a "bad" or wrong thing to do. Just make sure that you are sure first and not just acting out of panic.

I'm in what sounds like quite a similar situation to you OP. Won't go into all the details but I'm 6 weeks pregnant with what would be my third, I thought it was what I wanted but ever since I've found out I haven't been sure and it doesn't feel like there's a good way forwards. Like you, I'm very pro choice but the idea of having a termination in these circumstances seems very difficult to me right now.

One thing that's really helped me this week is having a free counselling session over the phone with Marie Stopes, and I have another one tomorrow as well. The woman I spoke to was so so lovely and understanding, not judgemental at all and not trying to influence me to either keep or terminate the pregnancy, just gave me space to organise my own thoughts. I think BPAS offer the same kind of counselling too. I would really recommend it.

My above post should have read "what ifs" by the way. I honestly considered abortion up until about 16 weeks and didn't really tell anyone I was pregnant until around 20. Basically if I didn't acknowledge it then I could pretend it wasn't happening! I will say after 20 weeks, I did start feeling happier, although I still had moments of wtf am I doing.

I won't keep posting as although I could go on about how lovely I've found having three so far, I don't know your situation and everybody and their lives are unique. I'm also very much pro choice. But I do also suggest reading some of the threads here. Lots of women really struggle after terminations and it leaves many with a deep loss. Equally though some women are able to carry on as normal.

If you decide to terminate then the best advice I've seen is to write yourself a letter clearly explaining your reasons and commit to those reasons. Consider what you want your life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years. Then if you do look back then you can remind yourself of why you made your decision.

Thank you @ByDreamyMintNewt . How old are your 3 now? Was baby no 3 the same gender as your eldest or middle child?

it does seem it’s quite common to feel like this with baby no 3, especially if you already have one of each gender. Ever since I had my second I have lost count of the times I have been told ‘you have one of each, you don’t need anymore now’, when I have always wanted 3 children. What is so confusing for me is if we had a 4 bedroom house, and finances weren’t an issue at all, I would be so happy. But sadly that isn’t the case, and whilst we aren’t struggling by any means right now, a third child would mean some lifestyle changes, and I’m just worried about not being able to give the 2 children I already have everything they deserve. Yesterday I started to feel more positive, then out of nowhere my son said ‘I don’t want to move house’ (one of his friends moved house over the weekend), and it made me feel like I was being selfish for even considering this, as it would mean a move would be inevitable one day.

Based on the guilt I felt after the miscarriage, that somehow I had willed it to happen, I don’t think I could cope with the aftermath of a termination.

@Pregnancy3panic sorry to hear you’re feeling a similar way to me. It’s horrible to be close to what you thought you always wanted and then not be sure. How are you feeling today? I do actually have a counselling session booked for this afternoon, although I realise I have a Sainsbury’s order coming at the same time so I may need to cancel 😩 I will try Marie Stopes though xx

@Mummaof2littlemonkeys I've cancelled and rebooked two of my appointments with Marie Stopes now, once because I had to take DS1 to a birthday party and once because I was on an important work call. 😖 it's difficult juggling this possibly life-altering decision with normal mum/work life. I dont feel like I have time to give it space and that's one of my concerns about having a third!

My second counselling appointment was really helpful too. It's basically coming down to head vs heart for me. It's not that easy, though, because I worry that going with my head could completely destroy my heart, if that makes sense. The idea of a third is terrifying, but I can also see it being the making of us as a family. Then again, I can see it causing real resentment and significant financial strain too.

Good luck to you xx I wouldn't wish this decision on anyone.

@Pregnancy3panic this is exactly how I feel - a head versus heart decision, but like you say it isn’t that straightforward is it? If we could guarantee financial stability without too much of an adverse impact on lifestyle, and that there wouldn’t be loads of resentment, of course it would be wonderful to continue.
I’m terrified either way. I’m worried my eldest may feel pushed out as he would have to share a room, at least temporarily. I think my daughter would love it though. And I’ve always loved the idea of a big full table at Christmas time, the kids always having a friend as they get older, etc.
like you said if I go with my head, I don’t know if my heart could take it. I have been a total mess since my miscarriage last year, the guilt has been crippling, despite having numerous people tell me it isn’t my fault. Again, totally pro choice here, but I don’t know if I could deal with the aftermath of not going ahead.

it is truly awful, I feel almost numb right now

how old are your two children? xxx

@Mummaof2littlemonkeys
I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I can absolutely see why that makes this such a difficult situation for you. We can be as logical as we like, but that doesn't stop our emotions doing what they do. Especially with the pregnancy hormones swimming around too.

I have two boys, my eldest would be almost six by the time this baby was born and the younger one would be 3 and a half. I've always said I'd like another boy if I had another, so this is not about wanting a girl for me!

Obviously the older one would be in school when the baby was born, and the plan is for the younger one to be in preschool 3 days a week, which would be covered by the 30 free hours. So we'd not have two in childcare at the same time, which I think makes it kind of doable but my husband is still worried about having those bills for longer, plus needing a bigger/extended house and needing a bigger car etc.

I think the kicker for us with finances is that we currently do OK, but that's mainly because of my salary, and for me three mat leaves in six years would pretty much kill my career prospects. That said, I really dislike my current job to the extent it's affecting my health anyway, and would like an excuse to change career. But, changing career with a young baby in tow would be that much harder. And round and round it goes...

@Pregnancy3panic the hormones definitely have something to answer for. I am constantly swinging between crying my eyes out and the world feeling like it’s going to end, and feeling numb. Do you think you might still be in shock?

yep I totally understand. We would need to think about moving for a bigger house, or possibly getting a loft conversion although this is on the condition that we can persuade our next door neighbours (also expecting their third!) to do it at the same time so we can get planning permission granted 🙈, plus a bigger car, etc.
Has your husband given you much to think/work with?

I feel the same re my career. This will be the kiss of death for me to change jobs. I’ve already been at my place for far too long (13 years!) and was contemplating possibly moving once my daughter starts school in September, if we go ahead with this pregnancy then I obviously won’t do that and will probably end up staying where I am forever 😩
I feel such a mess and so annoyed with myself for not properly thinking this through before getting myself into the same situation as last year

xxx

I don't think you did anything silly or irresponsible in getting pregnant again in the face of those powerful feelings around your miscarriage. Your husband said he was on board with trying, you wanted to try too and now here you are.

On the career thing, I think you might be me I've been at my place coming up to 10 years, was looking very seriously at something else when I found out I was pregnant with DS1 six years ago, and have stayed since then basically for the maternity package and the flexibility I have as a longstanding member of the same team. DH is worried if I have this baby I'll just stay there forever and he knows how unhappy I am there. I'm worried if I have a termination it will unsettle me so much that I'll keep clinging to this job anyway.

I don't think I'm in shock anymore but I am absolutely exhausted, both from all the emotions, the standard early pregnancy exhaustion, and also my husband is away with work today and tomorrow so I am doing all the parenting stuff plus working. I just had a call to discuss getting the termination medicine by post, and the lady said I'd need to take a day off work when I actually did it and should have a responsible adult around. My first reaction was "i don't have time for that"!

I sat my husband down and showed him how our finances could look with a third and that did calm him down a bit. I think he's more worried about how to parent three but he is kind of channeling it into the practicalities. He had a pretty rubbish childhood, and he's a good dad but he is scared of being pushed past his limit. I don't want to do that to him or to make a choice that would impact my existing children negatively.

Mumma of 2, I would say don't let your son's reluctance to move influence your decision. Children often are reluctant to embrace things that are new, but part of growing up is learning to accept change. We go through school, get new teachers, new friends, new interests. It can be very upsetting to move to a new house, but there are always good things about it too, and people adjust. I had to share a bedroom with my younger sister when our third sibling was born, but I would never trade our littlest sister for having a room all to myself. And at least a move is a change that can be prepared for - so many changes in life come without warning such as an auto accident, the unexpected death of a pet, a broken arm, the onset of a serious condition like coeliac disease. We can give our children the feeling of safety and security by creating harmony in the home, and that's about all we can try our best to do. I'm glad you're listening to your heart, and I hope that things work out for the best. You sound like such a loving mum.

Hi @Mummaof2littlemonkeys my two were just turned 6 and about to turn 4 when my youngest was born. I worried about the age gap but actually it's been perfect. My middle child is at preschool for at least half a day every day and obviously my eldest is at 6 - lots of chilled out time and cuddles with just the baby. But really I think whatever age gap you end up with probably ends up feeling 'right'.

I also worried about my career while I was pregnant, having just started to get back on track and enjoying my job, but now here I am loving maternity leave and considering how I can cut down my hours further when I have to go back. I have many more years of work ahead of me (likely another 30+ 😭) to focus on my career. I do imagine it will all feel more of a juggle when I go back to work. Although we will get funded hours from earlier which will help.

We did end up buying a new car but could have made do squeezing 3 car seats in the back of we'd had to. We were fortunate to have enough space in our house (although even then I worried about no longer having a spare room for guests or to do laundry etc, turns out it really doesn't matter 😂). But I know plenty of families were children are happy to share. Also having read that your neighbour is currently pregnant with their third, I'd consider carefully how that would make you feel to see them with their baby - would it feel like a relief or would it trouble you?

I don't know. I'm wary of going on too much because it's not for me to try and persuade you or talk you in to something that could not be right when I don't actually know you or your family. And abortion is very much a woman's right and shouldn't be looked on as a bad or wrong things, especially if you really believe it's in everyone's best interest. All I can tell you is that lots of us do have three children and are happy and managing fine. A bigger family does bring challenges but they can also bring more happiness and more love too, if it's something you want.

Apologies for various typos!

@Pregnancy3panic how are you feeling now? I went for a counselling session last week, but I didn’t find it very helpful at all.

My MIL has been staying this weekend, and I feel like I’ve just been pretending that I’m not pregnant at all and it’s been nice. She has just popped out for a few hours and now I’m not having to pretend around her I suddenly feel so stressed out. I have moments of thinking it would be lovely, but then moments of total panic and how I just wanted this to stop….but I don’t know if I could actually bring myself to make it stop.
i feel so confused and lost.
hoping you are feeling a bit more clear on how you are doing xx

Hi @Mummaof2littlemonkeys. I'm sorry to hear your counselling session wasn't very useful.

My DH and I decided last night (or rather, I decided and he said he'll support me) to keep the pregnancy rather than go for the termination. I went as far as actually getting the medicine that I'd need to terminate, so really wasn't 100% decided until very recently. However, the whole time I sat with the decision, on the days I was leaning more towards terminating I felt panicky and vulnerable and depressed. On the days I leaned towards keeping it, I did feel panicky and vulnerable, but I could see there could be a massive upside as well which would be having another member of our family.

Clearly it will be more expensive, time consuming, messy and all those things that children are; but I think with a bit of effort and forward planning it shouldn't actually tip us over the age. And all children are expensive and time consuming and messy.

One thing that helped me was realising that for me, and my DH too, a termination wouldn't just roll back time to never having conceived this pregnancy. I was choosing between a future with another baby and a future in which I'd terminated that pregnancy, not between a future with another baby and life two months ago.

Wishing you all the best of luck with your decision. I hope you feel a bit clearer and calmer soon.

What a struggle you're going though, Mummaof2. Surprise pregnancy can feel like being lost in a dark woods with no path visible to escape. It's crushing, you feel like you can hardly breathe, you feel sick all the time. But it's natural for the human brain to panic when there isn't a clear plan for how to deal with a huge life change. Don't let the panic overwhelm you to the point where you would just do anything to get out of this situation. I hope you will be able to think clearly, determine your priorities, and figure out what your best decision is.

Pregnancy3panic, I was so impressed with your words of wisdom. I don't think people realize enough how unlikely life is ever to go back to the way it was before aborting. Life is going to drastically change either way. I'm happy that you have decided that there is room in your family for one more and are gradually feeling at peace. Hope you have an easy pregnancy and delivery.

@Pregnancy3panic you really are so right, even if I could go ahead with a termination, life wouldn’t go back to what it was a few weeks ago. How I feel right now if I could just press a button and it go away I would, but it doesn’t work like that does it?

@SilverScales your kind words have brought tears to my eyes. I do feel panic, like I can’t breathe, I want to run away. I do have moments where I can see it will work, and see some positives, but then the panic sets in again. As lovely as it’s been to pretend nothing is happening whilst MIL is here, it means I’m not able to talk with my husband and communicate my feelings, I’m having to keep everything in and put on a front.
I am just so worried of upsetting the balance we have in our family now, and the two children I have feeling resentful. I’m just so so scared of getting this wrong. And I’m still so cross with myself for allowing this to happen without being 100% sure this is what I wanted. Without meaning to sound like a broken record, I have just been so low since my loss last year, I thought if I got pregnant again without ‘properly’ trying, then I would see it as a sign it is meant to be….but that isn’t how I’m feeling at all right now…

Oh Mumma, I am sending internet hugs to you. Why does life have to be so complicated? I re-read your original post a few times, and it sounds like deep down you really do want this baby. You had the accidental pregnancy last year, miscarried, and then felt longing when hearing about the pregnancies of others. Your two children are at ideal ages to add another to the mix and it sounds like your husband is warming up to the idea of a third. If two children need to share a room, or if you need to find a creative place to put a cot and changing area, that's not terrible. It sounds like the thought of going through an abortion is filling you with apprehension and I would feel the same way. Maybe if you have this baby, you or your husband could consider some kind of permanent birth control so you know there won't be any more surprises and you can really plan for the future. It's so hard to be 100% confident in ANY decision, so don't feel like there's something wrong with you. I have two younger siblings and it's the youngest one that I get along best with, and now that we're grown, I appreciate her even more. I trust you to make the right choice for yourself, but if you really didn't want another child I feel like you would have been way more careful after the miscarriage. Hopefully typing out your feelings here is helpful.

I am so glad to have found this thread for the solidarity but also so sorry that you guys are also experiencing the same emotional turmoil I'm going through right now.

I'm 5 weeks into what was a very planned pregnancy with what will be my third child. Me and my husband have always spoken about having 3 children and not pregnant me was certain it was what I wanted. Now the reality is here, the panic has set in and I've been researching termination (although I'm not certain I'd be able to go through with this)

I'm so conflicted about how I'm feeling, I think logically I know everything will be okay if I have this baby, harder but still okay, but I do not do well with pregnancy hormones and my fight or flight response has majorly kicked in. I felt this exact same way when I found out about my first pregnancy, and then I lost that pregnancy and I've never forgiven myself for feeling the way I did, so I cannot believe I'm feeling this way again, I feel so ashamed of myself 😭

My mental health crashes so badly in pregnancy that when I was pregnant with my first I made a spreadsheet to track her movements and logged how many times she moved with a clicker like bouncers use every half an hour for 4 months. With my second I had to take 100mg sertraline just to make it through the day. Because of this I'm struggling to rationalise whether I'm feeling this way because of my hormones, or because I wasn't actually certain I wanted a third child and just didn't realise it until it became a reality.

My husband is so supportive, he will be happy with whatever decision we make. But realistically so much more of this decision comes down to me because it's my body and my life that will change the most. Both of my closest friends are currently struggling with secondary infertility while TTC their second child, so I feel totally alone in this because I know the way I'm feeling would be difficult for them to understand.

I wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future to know what I should do 😭 I've been sobbing all morning and I just can't pick myself back up which is making parenting so difficult 😭

Thank you so much @SilverScales . Yes my husband and I have decided he is definitely going to get a vasectomy. The more I think about the situation the more panicked I feel. If I were to have the baby my son would be nearly 7.5 when it arrives, and my daughter 4.5 - I’m worried that is too much of an age gap, and that I will almost lose my older two (especially my son) because the baby would need my attention. I am just so confused why I’m feeling like this, when I know how upset I have been since the miscarriage.

@KLRJ im so sorry you’re feeling this as well. How are you feeling today?
I have my daughter at home with me and I keep disappearing to cry. I feel the same, that I don’t feel like I really thought through whether I wanted a third or not, I just wanted to ‘fix’ how I felt after my loss last year.

@Mummaof2littlemonkeys I think I might understand some of what you mean about your loss.

For me, I ideally wanted to try for another baby at the start of 2024, but I had an awful year then with someone in my family becoming suddenly hospitalised and then long-term disabled, and we all put our lives on hold a bit to deal with that, including deciding not to try for a baby. So I think part of me thought about a third pregnancy as a symbol of the happier and easier life we might have had if not for the health problems, and then when I got pregnant I realised all that was just a fantasy, and it was a big shock.

Hopefully that makes sense and might help you make sense of your feelings a bit?

@Pregnancy3panic I can totally understand what you mean, it’s like by having a third the fantasy is it will ‘make right’ all of the heartache you had last year. I’m so sorry to hear you have had such a hard time.
how are you feeling now you have made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy? Do you feel a bit more peace now you have made a decision? xx

Aww, Mumma, I can tell you this from experience, I was seven and my younger sister was 4 when my mum had baby #3 and it worked out great. And now that we're grown, the age gap means nothing.

My friend has four sons from two different fathers and there was a long period she was a single mum. I asked her how she was able to stretch her attention over all of them and she said there were lots of things they could all do together, even if just going to the playground or a game. She said that she also had a tradition where each child had one night a week where she spent special time with just them, whatever that child wanted to do, after the others were put to bed. She said often they would bake cookies, or read, or play a video game (she liked MarioKart), or just talk. She has a lot of memories made during those evenings.

My baby enjoyed being in a baby sling, you've probably seen those. You just wear the baby around, can even nurse them in there when they're a tad older. You can give attention to the baby and still have free hands. Just a few thoughts for you. And I'm glad your husband is willing to get the vasectomy, as long as you're both happy with that.

I’m still so confused, and spent most of this weekend panicking. I think I’m 8+4 now. I’ve been sent tablets in the post for a medical termination, but I can’t bring myself to take the first one, as I know that’s what ends the pregnancy. At the same time, I felt a sudden loss of symptoms the other day, took another clear blue pregnancy test and the indicator went down to 1-2 weeks….in that moment I felt relieved because it was a sign that maybe this would be over on its own without me having to make a choice…I guess that says it all doesn’t it?
But at the same time I can’t seem to take the tablets…I’m just so scared of getting this all wrong, and possibly making a decision out of panic and hormones, and regretting it for the rest of my life. I know nobody can tell me what to do, this has to be my decision, I’m just absolutely terrified

Hi,
I would actually get checked out based on the clear blue test. If you are 8+ weeks then it shouldn't be saying 1-2 weeks. Maybe take another one to check again. That might then help make your decision too. Good luck to you.

@ByDreamyMintNewt i did take two more, and they both said 3+…..must have been a blip?