Considering abortion…

[MeganBoo]

Im a 24 year old with a 4 year old child, im not with the dad and he’s not involved. I started talking to a guy and we’ve been seeing each other for 4 months, he’s a bit younger then me and im not sure I see myself marrying him or having a future with him but he’s nice to be around and has a good heart. We had sex earlier this month no protection just the pull out method (please no judgement) and fast forward to today I’m 3 days late on my period, I took a test earlier and it’s a massive positive I’m not sure what to do. Most people find out they’re pregnant and celebrate and have baby showers etc I’ve always wanted to do that as I never got to do it with my first child but I’m sadly not going to as like I mentioned I don’t see a future with this guy so don’t want a baby with him that’ll tie me down to him and make my number of children’s fathers increase, and I don’t think he’s ready to be a dad he can be mentally immature. Also my mental health has been extremely bad to the point my mums been helping watch my child so I’m not in the best mental state for another child right now and I know how having children effects your life and takes away any freedom you have I don’t think I can go through all that again right now. At the same time I do want more children and I did feel a tiny bit excited thinking being pregnant it’s just the circumstances aren’t great with my mental health, finances and the fact it’s with a guy I’m not very serious about which would add to the list of children fathers I have.

Really don’t know what to do and if I should have an abortion or not I don’t think I should have a child right now but even so it’s not an easy decision. No judgement please as my mental health isn’t the best.

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot. I would really recommend speaking to someone about this IRL, or a professional, just to talk through the whole situation and your options. Children are a blessing but they are also really hard work, and only you know if now is the right time. Just make sure you are completely at peace with your decision before you take those next steps x

your choice op - just my opinion, you haven’t listed a positive about continuing the pregnancy, it wasn’t planned, shit happens, abort and move on, with protection!

@Mrsttcno1

Thank you for the advice, children really are a blessing and I never agreed with abortions my minds a bit 50/50 right now I just know my mental healths bad as I can’t even look after the child I currently have so how would I manage another also I feel like I’ll look bad having 2 children with 2 different dads and when I try and find a partner in the future it’ll put a lot of them off me.

OP - I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am pretty sure Life is an anti-abortion charity so please don't call them.

Instead you could try speaking with BPAS: https://www.bpas.org/about-bpas/

xx

I truly think abortion is one of those things that lots of women believe they would never have until they are genuinely in that position themselves. Hypothetically saying you would never have one is very different to being in a real life situation where you are pregnant and not sure how you could look after another child- don’t beat yourself up about changing your mind on that, lots of women do!

I really would try and take the social aspect out of it, I can’t imagine looking down on anyone or thinking badly of anyone for having children with different dads, one of my best friends has 2 children by 2 dads and I would never dream of thinking badly of her for that. Families all look different, they come in all shapes as sizes, if you do want this baby then please don’t let that put you off. Any man who would be put off by this you would be better off without anyway, trust me! X

OP I would caution you that if you've never been totally comfortable with abortion, then going for it while in the heat of the moment might lead to a lot of trauma & regret. Abortion isn't an easy get out & it doesn't always just make the problem go away.

Please take time to talk things through with someone you trust or a professional. You have choices and you have options and you don't need to do anything right now.

You can get an abortion fairly easily in England until around 22 weeks (although I seriously wouldn't recommend waiting that long).

And if you might want this child, please don't worry about what other people think or worry that you won't be able to do it. There is support out there.

Sending big hugs. It's a shock, but you will get through this <3

@Mrsttcno1

I really do agree, unless you’re in the situation you can never say you wouldn’t have an abortion. I think I want an abortion I really don’t think my mental health will benefit having a child right now as my current child’s been staying at my mums for a few months due to my mental state I’ve managed to get a bit of time to myself back and work on my mental health, another child would take all of that away. Although I do like the thought of having another child and it does make me a bit happy deep down.

its a tough decision that’ll be life changing x

Take your time to think it through, but your wellbeing is so important, if you don't think you could do it alone don't feel guilty about not continuing.

Also I know someone with 5 children from 4 dad's, and she doesn't struggle to find a relationship. It doesn't mean you'll be alone for the rest of your life.

Do what's best for you, good luck

@AnnaCW

I think it's a shame MNHQ took down a genuine post directing a woman to a charity that can offer practical help.

Admittedly, they don't support abortion, but they will help if OP wants to explore other options (which she seems open to).

I won't tag them, but Life & other similar charities I believe offer practical help for pregnancy & motherhood in hard circumstances. It's worth OP being aware of all her options x

If you do choose to terminate, please look at attending therapy afterwards. It's a really tough choice and a loss all the same. You deserve to work through it with a professional who can provide you with emotional support.

In case no one else tells you this, try to be proud of yourself, whatever you decide. You sound like trying to do what's best for you and the people around you, be proud of that.

Hi please don't worry about feelings of shame in this

Your body, your choice. You have a duty first and foremost to your existing child.

Personally, I had an abortion in my early 20s. It was not traumatic, I have never regretted it, and I didn't need therapy. A baby would have ruined my life and tied me to a lazy idiot for the best part of 20 years.

I am now having a family with a man I love, while working in a great career and a safe roof over my head. Miles better!!

Agree with the above poster OP

And Personally, I had an abortion in my early 20s. It was not traumatic, I have never regretted it, and I didn't need therapy. A baby would have ruined my life and tied me to a lazy idiot for the best part of 20 years.
I could have written the above. Exactly the same situation and I was also fine and have gone on to get married now have two wonderful children.

You have to do what is right for you OP and I also echo what another poster said about being proud of yourself whatever you decide.

Couldn’t agree more. Its not traumatic, it’s a medical procedure that we’re privileged to be able to have in England.

I had one in my early 20’s and it was the best decision I made, a baby is for the rest of your life. You already have one child
living with your mum, they need to be your priority for now.

It sounds like you’ve made your decision and you just need someone to tell you it’s okay.
There will be other opportunities for you to have more children. If this man is not one you want to coparent with and you want to have another child but in a relationship with the father, then it’s ok to say, this isn’t the right time or the right man for me.

@Demelzatheredhaired

At first I was 100% abortion but not im more 80% abortion and 20% keeping it so i definitely need to think about it. It’s definitely not the best time for me to have a child due to my mental state and I struggle to look after the child I already have, but I think if I was pregnant with a man I truly saw a future with and who’d be raising the child with me as a family then I’d be more pro to keeping it but it’s because it’s a guy I’m not serious about that makes me swing even more towards an abortion…I’m not really attracted to this guy and he’s younger so very immature, to him we’re a perfect match but to me it could never work as we have two different mentalitys and I kinda have to mother him. Mentally I can’t put up with being a single mum to two children.

No judgement here, however what I will day is no amount of replies from strangers on the Internet is going to help you make this decision.

As pp have mentioned it may be best to speak to someone in your life that you can openly talk to, if this isn't an option try get an appointment at your local sexual health clinic or your GP and have a chat with one of the professionals there.

Only you know your personal circumstances and how you are feeling about everything. You do what's right for you and your 4 year old xx

Hey OP, sorry you're in such a situation. Just remember you're not the first and you won't be the last. It sounds like from your original post, that you've thought carefully about your options and what the future would look like either way. It is definitely ok to have a termination if you feel it's best for you, and only you can make that final decision. You still have some time to think things through and seek counselling etc but ultimately it's you that has to decide what is the right decision to make for your life and your existing child's life. Don't be too hard on yourself. I've had 2 terminations years and years apart both for very difficult reasons. I never thought I would have 1. But I made the best decision I could have at the time with both pregnancies. I also have 4 healthy and happy children all with my partner which I am hugely grateful for. Take care of yourself

*very different reasons that was supposed to say.

I was fortunate to have a smooth experience with both terminations. But many women do and complications are rare. A clinic can answer any questions you have and reassure you. I can also offer some advice from personal experience in that sense as well if you would like me to

@mimiscards

Thank you for the support I think I really need to think about it as at first I was 100% abortion but now it’s more 80%. I’ve kinda got a bit excited of the though of another child but knowing my circumstances I don’t think it’s the best thing right now and my mental health could be better by 9 months when the baby’s born but I’ll lose any little bit of freedom I have and I feel like my mental health will decline as being a mum especially single is very hard work and I’m not mentally strong enough. I do want more children but was hoping it’d be with a man I want to marry and have a future with not someone I don’t take seriously. Really unsure on what to do I probably will have an abortion but I’m extremely emotional and will over think about it and feel bad.

Take the time you need to make your decision. You are still young and you can have the life you want and that you can imagine for yourself. You don't have anything to feel bad about. Do you know anyone in your own life who has had a termination? I know a few and it has always helped me to speak with them because I know them and value their thoughts. But at the same time, you don't have to tell anyone about your situation if it makes you feel uncomfortable to do so. There are a lot of posts on here about termination that aren't all doom and gloom. Have you considered making a pros and cons list to help you?

@mimiscards

i don’t know anyone who’s had an abortion, i have an auntie (not by blood) and she has 4 children with 3 different dads so i guess it’s not the end of the world if your children don’t have the same dad. I think the cons definitely outweigh the positives but deep down there is a part of me that’s a bit excited I’ve even been looking at booking a midwife appointment that shows I kinda wanna keep it, it’s very hard to decide. As I mentioned if this baby was with a guy who I was serious about then I think I’d lean more towards keeping it but as it’s with a guy I’m not serious about and who’s very childish me keeping the child will just tie me down to this guy. When I looked after my current child full time I was never able to get a break as my mum has to look after my 2 siblings who are younger and she works so she was never able to watch my child so I could go out or have some time to myself that’s a factor that made it difficult as I see a lot of mums who get to have breaks and it makes a huge difference even if it just a few hours to yourself. My mums watching my child now (my child’s been staying at my mums for a while) but it’s only due to how bad my mental health is, and I’ve now started to get some time to myself where I have more freedom and can work on sorting my mental health out, if I have another child I’d lose all of that again and be a literal full time mum that gets no breaks and it’s too mentally overwhelming for me.

OP, maybe book that midwife apt and discuss with her? Xx

there are perinatal mental health teams so if you decide to keep the pregnancy you can access a lot of support through them who will help you with your mh, getting you the right support etc.so dont let your mh necessarily put you off carrying on with the pregnancy. please do access some profesional support to help you make the decision as its easy to get stuck in your head about certain reasons and speaking with a professional will help you identify what is best for you now x