Termination - hand hold please 🙏🏼

[Beaglebummum]

Hi everyone, after seeing how much support is on this thread, I’m hoping for a hand hold and reassurance with my situation please.

I found out yesterday that I’m 7 weeks pregnant with an unplanned (contraceptive fail) pregnancy and I know deep down that an abortion is the best choice due to my health circumstances and for my family.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and we have 2 DC, 5 and 3.
I suffered with post natal depression after both births, and as a result I was unable to care for myself or my baby/s, so my husband cared for us all for several weeks until I was medicated and able to cope.
I still have a lot of guilt and trauma from both of those periods - it robbed me of those first few weeks and my mental health has never been the same.
As a result, I had a severe mental breakdown in October which lasted around 6 months.. It’s only in the past 2 months that I’ve been feeling myself, being the mother my DC deserve and returning to work.
I was having suicidal thoughts, unable to care for myself or my family.. again my wonderful husband cared for us all, but I know this was at a cost to his own mental health as it’s not the first time I’ve struggled. He won’t admit that, but I know he worries and has his own trauma from that time.
My eldest DC suffered, albeit did not understand the situation, but the breakdown hit me like a ton of bricks, and the sudden change impacted him in school and at home.
I am now medicated and accepting that I will be for the foresable future to help me cope, and I’m on the waiting list of psychiatric trauma counselling.

I’m petrified of suffering with PND again, or worse having another breakdown which will cost my family dearly again. I have still not fully recovered from my breakdown, and this pregnancy has resurfaced anxiety and dread. Every time I have suffered, I feel like it’s taken a part of me each time.

I know a termination is the right route for us all, but I’m really struggling with the guilt of taking an innocent life. Both our DC were planned pregnancies and in all the years we’ve been together, we have never been in this position.

Please, if you are anti-abortion, do not comment on this thread or try to convince me to keep this baby. My MH is in tatters, and I really just need to hear of experiences that will bring me some comfort that others have felt this way and have got through this. I feel very alone right now.

Thank you if you have read this far, it’s much appreciated 💗

@Beaglebummum well done for going ahead with it. Hope you're feeling OK. Take it easy won't you?

I had a termination 23 years ago, I found out I was pregnant when my son was 8 weeks old. I was breastfeeding and on the mini pill but still caught. I'd also just started my degree. There was no way I could cope with another baby.

Do I think about the chid I lost? Yes I do. But it was the best decision I could make at the time, and I didn't have mental health issues (at the time anyway) that I had to contend with.

You have made the right decision for your mental health and the mental health of your family. It's normal to feel guilty and upset, so allow yourself to feel the loss if you need that. It takes a strong person to make this decision x

You asked for anti-abortion people not to comment but I wanted to say that as someone who is generally anti-abortion, I have nothing but sympathy and understanding for your situation and why you feel you need to make this choice for your family. Life is not that black and white and can be darn complicated at times. I hope you will seek support to process this afterwards.

@Beaglebummum thinking about you today. Hope you're ok x

@Beaglebummum Sending you compassion today. Hope you're ok

Thinking of you @Beaglebummum
Hope you're doing OK.

Been thinking of you today. You have made the right decision for your health and your family. Hope you are ok xx

Thank you for thinking of me, it has been so comforting to check back today to such thoughtful messages.

I attempted to go to work today, but sadly I only lasted around 3 hours before I broke down and came home. I feel very tender emotionally and I’m suffering with a lot of anxiety.
I know I made the right choice for my health and my family, but I feel so sad and guilty for beginning the process. I am starting the second stage tomorrow morning, and I’m just hoping time passes quickly and it isn’t too traumatic 😔

You will get through this. Take care of the hormone level changes, if you feel this, get all help and support in any case reach out for help and care. Lean on your dh to look after you.

Are you going to stay home tomorrow @Beaglebummum ?
Doesn't sound like it would be a good thing for you to push yourself to go in.
I hope you get a reasonable night's sleep. Good luck taking the next stage in the morning I hope it's not painful or traumatic and you are able to rest and recover. Big hug.

Yes @heldinadream , I’m taking the rest of the week off. I am struggling to focus on anything right now and I’m very emotional. I had thought that being in work today would be a good distraction, but I just couldn’t manage 😞
Thank you for continuously checking in with me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it 💗

How are you @Beaglebummum ?
Presumably you took the stage 2 medicine this morning?
Hope you're bearing up. You'll get through this. 🌻

I’m hanging in there thank you @heldinadream You are so kind to keep checking in on me 💐

I started stage 2 just after 8am and I’m still in the process now. My DH has been checking after each trip to the toilet so I’ve not had to see anything, feeling it is enough.
I’ve held it together for most of the day, but the tears and emotions have started in the last 2 hours as it feels like it’s been a long day. My DC are due home soon, so I’m looking forward to lots of cuddles.

You're being so brave @Beaglebummum

I hope it's over quickly and that you have a nice, quiet weekend planned

Hey @Beaglebummum just checking in with you. Your DH sounds like such a good egg. I feel for you (and for any woman making this decision). You've handled this with a lot of clarity IMHO.
Big hug. 🌷

@heldinadream I’m hanging in there thank you.
My DH took me out for a quiet lunch today for a change of scenery which was lovely, but I felt so emotional and a lot of guilt. I was holding back the tears at the table.
I feel I’m coping at points, but then the I get the emotional, anxiety rush, followed by a lot of guilt. I hope in time this eases 😔

Thank you for continuously checking in with me, you are ever so thoughtful 💐
Thank you everyone for your positive and encouraging messages, they have helped me tremendously these past few days 💐

Hi @Beaglebummum, from your name does that mean you have a beagle? I have 2, and they are very naughty so am hoping there may be a little comfort from them in the distraction?! A silly thought I know, but was thinking of you

Hi, I'm replying to this thread as I currently found out just over a week ago I was pregnant, this was devastating for me as I had been pregnant 3 years ago and experienced the worst depression/ anxiety to the point I was suicidal, honestly the worst period of my life! This time I'm in shock I never wanted to be in this position again ( always careful failed contreception) I am awaiting my pills by post which should be here on Monday!! I'm absolutely terrified and I'm having nightmares about bleeding to death and that I'm going to get ill and die, very extreme I know but my mental health is to the extremes at the minute!! I have 2 children who are 14 and 11 and trying to be normal and carry on with every day life is crippling me when I'm so consumed with thos going terribly wrong, I'm really after some advice, I have read loads of threads and they are comforting to read, this is my first post as I really am struggling, I am very lucky I have a very supportive partner who is doing all he can to reassure me

I promise you will be fine x

The cramping can be quite painful until you pass the pregnancy, and it’s normal to bleed heavily for a couple of days. There will be an information leaflet that tells you what is “normal” and when to seek medical help.

Your partner will be with you, and you can reach out on here if you need support. I’m sorry you’re going through this x

Sending support and love to both of you ladies. We might be strangers but women will support each other at these times xx

Thank you so much for your messages, very much appreciated! My pills actually arrived yesterday (they were due to be delivered Monday), I was due in on a night shift last night but had a bad panic attack and extreme anxiety that I was going to die and all this has happened because I'm meant to die,very very crippling anxiety! My partner calmed me down and I took the first pill and had somthing to eat only had mild cramps so far, I'm due to take the next 4 tablets this evening which is the worst part for me, my plan is get in comfy clothes insert pills and get on the couch relax and drink plenty of water and eat to keep my energy up and pray its over with quite quickly, it's a very scary experience and I feel for any woman going through this and its been so reassuring reading stories on here as it helps calm me xx

Can you take them in the morning and miss work? I only ask because the process can take a while and you might not get much sleep?

I’ll share my experience with you and hope it helps.

I took the four tablets vaginally at around 9am. I pottered around as normal just in the house as I heard moving around was better to get things moving.

Very light bleeding started at around 11am, along with some pretty strong cramping. I also got the shivers, which I didn’t know at the time was quite normal.

Nothing further was happening so at 1pm I took the other two tablets (vaginally again) and went to lay down. I had a nap for an hour and when I woke the cramping was really quite painful. I went and just sat on the toilet and around an hour later had some large clots and passed the pregnancy. I didn’t look, my partner checked. After that the cramping stopped completely and I had what I would describe as a heavy period for two days and then normal to light bleeding for a further 8 days.
so the “process” from taking the first tablets until passing the pregnancy was around 6 hours.

My normal period came exactly 28 days later x

Thank you for sharing your story it helps massively! I'm off work for the next few days I took sick days as I couldn't focus with my crippling anxiety! I suffer massively with health anxiety so I know this is what is making it 1000% times worse, my partner is at work tomorrow and my eldest child starts her work experience just a few doors away so she will be popping here in the morning ( they are currently at their dads) coming home for her dinner hour ect so while my partner is here tonight I feel safer that if anything did go wrong he is here, I usually work night shifts so I'm OK being up in the night and hopefully I can sleep through parts of the night which might help in a weird way if not hopefully I will get some sleep tomorrow if all goes OK and goes according to plan, I have both my children back here 8am Tuesday morning so wanted it to be definitely over with hopefully by then and hopefully feeling more like myself fingers crossed, again thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your story, hearing positive story's helps my anxiety xxx

Ahh that makes much more sense for you to do it at night then!

Its a really, really safe procedure - just take it step by step x

Thank you, you have really helped to ease my anxiety. I'm still thinking I'm going to die but I'm trying to keep myself busy at the minute and really try and get my thoughts in check like lots of women take this medication, my partner is here to help me, I will keep you updated its going to be a long night but we are all stronger than we think deep down I just need to get through tonight xxx