Termination - hand hold please 🙏🏼

[Beaglebummum]

Hi everyone, after seeing how much support is on this thread, I’m hoping for a hand hold and reassurance with my situation please.

I found out yesterday that I’m 7 weeks pregnant with an unplanned (contraceptive fail) pregnancy and I know deep down that an abortion is the best choice due to my health circumstances and for my family.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and we have 2 DC, 5 and 3.
I suffered with post natal depression after both births, and as a result I was unable to care for myself or my baby/s, so my husband cared for us all for several weeks until I was medicated and able to cope.
I still have a lot of guilt and trauma from both of those periods - it robbed me of those first few weeks and my mental health has never been the same.
As a result, I had a severe mental breakdown in October which lasted around 6 months.. It’s only in the past 2 months that I’ve been feeling myself, being the mother my DC deserve and returning to work.
I was having suicidal thoughts, unable to care for myself or my family.. again my wonderful husband cared for us all, but I know this was at a cost to his own mental health as it’s not the first time I’ve struggled. He won’t admit that, but I know he worries and has his own trauma from that time.
My eldest DC suffered, albeit did not understand the situation, but the breakdown hit me like a ton of bricks, and the sudden change impacted him in school and at home.
I am now medicated and accepting that I will be for the foresable future to help me cope, and I’m on the waiting list of psychiatric trauma counselling.

I’m petrified of suffering with PND again, or worse having another breakdown which will cost my family dearly again. I have still not fully recovered from my breakdown, and this pregnancy has resurfaced anxiety and dread. Every time I have suffered, I feel like it’s taken a part of me each time.

I know a termination is the right route for us all, but I’m really struggling with the guilt of taking an innocent life. Both our DC were planned pregnancies and in all the years we’ve been together, we have never been in this position.

Please, if you are anti-abortion, do not comment on this thread or try to convince me to keep this baby. My MH is in tatters, and I really just need to hear of experiences that will bring me some comfort that others have felt this way and have got through this. I feel very alone right now.

Thank you if you have read this far, it’s much appreciated 💗

How are both of you coping? Xx