Accidentally pregnant with third child

[Locum]

I've never posted on here before, but currently have no one other than my husband to talk to at the moment and I'm desperate for some impartial advice (I do have good friends just don't feel ready to tell them).

I'm early thirties with two wonderful children (3&5) I feel that this year we have really turned a corner and life is suddenly easier. DH is currently on the waiting list for a vasectomy, and whilst we are usually really careful with condoms, we had one stupid (drunk) night and have ended up accidentally pregnant. I should add too that I have regular cycles and I was only 5 days away from starting my period so I'd assumed the next morning that I'd be safe.

I'm in bits and my head is all over the place. Two years ago I would have been delighted to find out I was pregnant, but DH has always been adamant that two is enough, and this past year I've started to agree. The thought of being pregnant, and having another baby with over a 4 year age gap between my middle and youngest fills me with panic. My main concerns are money (our house is big enough and we do ok, but we certainly arent rich and a third would more than likely reduce abroad holidays, days out ect as we've only just this year been able to afford one again). I just don't want the other two to miss out on things because I have a third. The other biggie is time with the older kids. I always hate how grumpy/snappy I get sometimes which I'm really trying to work on, but I'm worried another one in the mix will mean less attention and patience.

DH has made it clear he does not want this third child but has said he would never force me into anything. I know if I keep it, he will be supportive as he's already a great dad, but I don't want to force him into a baby that he doesn't want. If we did have this baby it would be loved and cared for, but it would really be stretching us to our max. I use to look at familys of 3 and yearn for it, but now I haven't got a broody bone in my body.

The issue is the thought of terminating this pregnancy makes me so upset, I'm not sure I'd be able to do it. I have spoken to BPAS and had an initial consultation, but just burst into tears even saying the word. I'd like to add that I am very pro choice and always assumed I'd be able to go through with an abortion if I felt it was right for me and my family, but I've pretty much cried for four days straight trying to decide. Sorry for such a long post and I don't even feel as though I've scratched the surface with all my conflicting feelings but ANY advice would be greatly appreciated. I just don't know what to do.

It sounds like you already know deep down...it might be a blessing in disguise... a third bundle of joy

Thank you for replying, i keep swinging from one extreme to the other xx

I could of wrote this myself! I'm going through something similar. I'm also pregnant, have a 3.5 year old and a 2.5 year old. Did always want a 3rd but as life is getting easier and finances already tight the thought of a third is getting more and more distant. So I'm also torn between going ahead with a termination or keeping the baby.

I've also been crying nearly everyday as I'm struggling to make the right choice, but I do feel deep down I know what's right.

It's so difficult isn't it 😥 xx

And this was also a result of a drunken accident - which we are completely beating ourselves up for.

Hello OP

So I was/am in a similar situation.
We have 2 children ages 6 &5, they will be 7 in July and 6 in December.
I had the coil and found out I was pregnant.

My husband was adamant that he didn’t want anymore children as the gap was going to be ‘big’ for us anyway. I’d just started to come around to the fact that our lives were slightly easier. I’ve got a new job ect.
I like you, would have been happy if it would have happened a few years earlier and as would have my husband!

I called BPAS and made an appointment.. but I couldn’t go through with it.

I am now just over 20 weeks with this baby due in November.

I had to choose what I could cope with and I knew I’d be a mess and be no good for the children I already have if I went through with the abortion.
I couldn’t even look at baby pictures of my children and I was zoning out all the time.

My husband is now fine about the pregnancy and the baby, we both have days that we struggle that we are starting over but I know I made the best decision for my family!

I hope this helps a little!

I am currently in a similar situation and just feel devastated. I have a 4 1/2 old and a 10 month old.
I have PCOS so very irregular peroids plus we’ve been using condoms so I really didn’t think I would be pregnant. It was very hard to conceive both our other children.
I’ve been feeling so tired the last few weeks and keep getting light headed, I was going to book a doctors app but thought I’d just do a test first because I know they would probably ask if it was possible if I was pregnant. I really didn’t expect it to be positive. I only did the test last night so this is very new.
Ive rung BPAS this morning and due to my irregular cycles I have to go in for a scan before they discuss my options but my appointment isn’t for another 10 days.

Ive found going from 1-2 hard, my eldest has struggled having our attention shared. I feel so bad if we had a 3rd that the attention is then even more divided. Plus we live comfortable now, can afford after school classes. If we had a 3rd it would just all be too expensive and we would have to cut back on so much. My head says I need to get an abortion but my heart is heartbroken.

It's such an awful situation isn't it. I don't want a third baby but I don't want an abortion, and trying to figure out what I'd regret less is completely tearing me apart. Im so angry we were so stupid. Any time I've seen bigger families or babies this week by heart has said that I just don't want a bigger family anymore, or to do it all ovet again, but it feels impossible to make a decision to terminate when I've had two previous pregnancies. Please let me know how you get on, and what you decide. I have a conversation with a BPAS Councillor soon so hoping that will give eme some sort of clarity (although I won't change any of the facts)

It's awful. I just feel so torn. And my emotions are through the roof, I've even been crying at work and trying to hide it and just feel like I can't talk to anyone. 😥

@TiredMum97 have you spoke to a bpas counseller? They were helpful and suggested writing down on paper a 'Pro' and 'Con' list which helped even if it was just to get them out of my head. Still no idea what I'm going to do but don't rush into anything. How far along are you?

@Locum I've already actually done that as somebody suggested it to me. And it didn't help even though the cons outweighed the pros. And I'm not sure - I presume under 2 months but I'm not 100% sure, how about you?

5 weeks, decided I'm early enough to give myself a week to make a decision and go from there xx

@Locum I think il be between 4 and 6 weeks. But my last actual period started 9th may - but I took period delaying tablets in June and start of July so this is why I'm not actually sure how far along I could be. It's so difficult. Wish me and my partner weren't so irresponsible

Oh that's hard! Me too, but hindsight is a wonderful thing! You don't deserve to beat yourself up about it (that's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway) let me know what you decide and I'll keep you posted. Feel free to message if you need to talk it through xx

@Locum I certainly will - same to you too! I think it's easier to give out advice over taking your own sometimes 😂 xx

It's heartbreaking and I seem to change my mind every few minutes. Let me know what you decide xx

@Locum any more thoughts? I'm still totally torn. I did have an appointment this Thursday to attend for a scan and discussion but i can't get the time off work and nor can my partner so now having to wait for a telephone call a week tomorrow 😫 just prolonging it even further. I do think in my heart I'd love to keep, but my head is being more practical. I don't want to affect my current children's lives, less holidays, tighter with money, not being able to do as much as if we was to have this baby. So I think the inevitable is that I should go forward with the termination.. just wish I knew exactly how far along I was.

Absolutely no idea. Change my mind minute to minute. I have a phone appointment and am going to ask them to send out the pills (I freaked out first phone convo and asked them not to in the end) at least then I've got them

If I wasn't already pregnant there's no way I'd be having a third, but now it's here I'm sure we would manage (although be a bit more restricted). My biggest worry now is the thought of my other two missing out on time/attention/money ect.

Must make it hard not knowing dates. Could you maybe ask gp to refer to early preg unit for a dates scan (explaining the situation) do you have a cut off in your head of when you wouldn't go through with it? Xx

@TiredMum97 Absolutely no idea. Change my mind minute to minute. I have a phone appointment and am going to ask them to send out the pills (I freaked out first phone convo and asked them not to in the end) at least then I've got them

If I wasn't already pregnant there's no way I'd be having a third, but now it's here I'm sure we would manage (although be a bit more restricted). My biggest worry now is the thought of my other two missing out on time/attention/money ect.

Must make it hard not knowing dates. Could you maybe ask gp to refer to early preg unit for a dates scan (explaining the situation) do you have a cut off in your head of when you wouldn't go through with it?

@Locum If I was heading close to the 12 week mark then I would probably have a complete change of heart. But I think il be maximum 8 weeks, because my last period was early may.

Yeah that's the thing - same with me, I don't want my two now being more deprived because of another baby that we can't really afford right now. Of course yeah, if we put our minds to things we could have another but it would make things a heck of a lot harder.

It's so hard to decide. Xx

@TiredMum97 thinking of you! Will keep you posted xx

Hi @TiredMum01 have you decided what to do? Hope you're ok x

Sorry to jump back into your convo.
We found out Thursday night we’re pregnant. Our heads are saying we need to terminate, I feel bad having to split out time and attention between 3 when I already find it hard with 2. Plus money is just ok now where we can afford to send our eldest to the clubs she wants to go to, if we had a third we wouldn’t have any spare money to do things like that or holidays ect. I don’t want to deprieve my 2 kids. I know if we kept it we would find a way but my head it saying no. Because I have irregular peroids and am not sure of dates we have to have a scan next monday and I know it will all come down to it on the day and once we have our scan. Especially if I’m further on but I think I could only be about 7 weeks. Im so angry at us for getting into this position.

@TiredMum01 thank you for the update 🩷 sending love and hope it all goes smoothly, keep us posted if you're up to it. That's kind of my thinking too xx

I am currently in the same situation. I wanted to have children as close to each other as possible so they can grow together and I grow with them however, having 2 children who are 4 years apart already and currently being 5 weeks now means my youngest will be 5 years older and my oldest will be 8/9 years older than the unborn. Anything over 10yrs older is way too much for me. Even 8 years is too much for me.

I've had 2 terminations in the past and 1 miscarriage. I've also already had a termination early this year. The thought of having 2 terminations in the same year makes me feel disgusted.

In terms of finances and life in general, life has always been hard with the children due to no support from family and friends. Friends can support but they can only do so much if you get what I mean. The finances has been getting better, affording holidays and clubs for the kids, being able to spoil them in other ways without breaking the bank.

My partner and I feel as though a third will set us back and it will be hard and go back to square 1 but we also believe kids are a blessing. We have also started going out on dates more etc and having a baby will put a harsh stop to it all.

I'm really torn. I want to keep the pregnancy but I don't want to struggle etc and I don't want to keep it and carry on with all the positivity that has been going on.

The cons outweigh the pros. It's just really hard coming to a final decision.