Medical abortion, feel so sad

[Amelie1988]

Hi everyone,

I’ve had a medic abortion today. My reasons were that I already have two children, I suffered with postnatal depression after both their births, the first leading to an admission into a mother and baby unit. I’ve just started a new job so wouldn’t qualify for maternity pay and we’re currently living with family in order to save for a deposit. In spite of this, I feel sad and guilty. I think once you have children, you look at them and know what could’ve been. Essentially my heart wanted the baby, but my head knew it wasn’t the right time.

Has anyone else been through similar? x

easier said than done but please be kinder to yourself- this brain shutting down and panicing is something i experienced under a lot less stress and its not anything anyone ever talks about nor termnation providers trained to identify. please seek some counselling to help you work through your feelings- its a grief but also a trauma and so hard to tell anyone about but counselling really helped me- over time it will become less raw. im in my 40s and we went on to have another baby and i wont lie- the pregnancy i worried i was going to be punished but is going ok and over time the termination is become a distant memory. you will never know what may have happened to that previous pregnancy- i still try and explain that to myself so it may not have had a happy outcome anyway. message any time- there are a lot of us on here who have been through it and struggled with the emotional aftermath. life will improve x

Hi lovely. I’m sorry to hear you’re having to make this difficult decision. Firstly I just wanted to give you a hand squeeze as you aren’t alone; I made the difficult decision to not continue with a pregnancy earlier this year as I realised the extent to which my partner had been emotionally abusive (now ex, luckily!). Secondly, I just wanted to let you know that I decided to see a lady who does something called a ‘womb healing’. Not for everyone, as it’s very spiritual, but it really helped me to process it, and also to just get myself some strength as I really was on my knees at that point in my life. Sending you my thoughts x

@justfindingmyway Thank you for your reply. I can relate, as we’ve been going through a very difficult time due to the infidelity and navigating emotional conflict. This was a large part of why I felt panicked and ‘unsafe’ in proceeding with the pregnancy at that time, even though I now see the pregnancy paired with the trauma of the infidelity simply magnified all my fears and anxiety and my husband simply did not understand how the conflict was mentally affecting me unfortunately. I will look into the womb healing, as I am having a lot of turmoil and horrid anxiety in navigating how this all happened.

Finding out you are pregnant can cause you to feel so very vulnerable can’t it, but then also terribly lonely if you aren’t having the feelings society tells us we ‘should’ have. Sadly, sometimes circumstance robs us of that joy that we feel we should experience. As I say, it was quite spiritual and there were lots of tears on my part, but it helped me to deal with guilt and the complex emotions that come from this. I’ll be happy to help if you want to reach out to the lady I did. Best wishes to you x

You made a decision with the information you had at the time. Sometimes I think the hormones gives us the strength to act and make a decision best for our lives. It's a difficult grief and unless you've been through it personally, you can't understand.
Be kind to yourself X

@Yht yes, at the time with everything going on, I felt scared to bring a baby into such a situation. I also couldn’t know what my mental state would have been through the pregnancy and postpartum, especially if we ended up in a difficult divorce. I unfortunately felt like I had to act quickly given time pressures as well. She was so wanted but the stress and circumstances overshadowed and clouded what should have been the happiest moment in my life, as well as my mind overall. I look at her scans and cry now. I just want her back.
Everyday I struggle to accept and forgive myself.

I’m falling into such a deep hole. I don’t want to live anymore. I terminated my pregnancy 3 months ago and I miss my baby and made the wrong choice. I hate my life