Medical abortion, feel so sad

[Amelie1988]

Hi everyone,

I’ve had a medic abortion today. My reasons were that I already have two children, I suffered with postnatal depression after both their births, the first leading to an admission into a mother and baby unit. I’ve just started a new job so wouldn’t qualify for maternity pay and we’re currently living with family in order to save for a deposit. In spite of this, I feel sad and guilty. I think once you have children, you look at them and know what could’ve been. Essentially my heart wanted the baby, but my head knew it wasn’t the right time.

Has anyone else been through similar? x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. So many of us on here have been exactly where you were. Saskia and I talked so much when we were both in the depths and it helped so much. I’m 4 months out from my MT now. The first few weeks after I barely left the house, couldn’t look after the kids, cried all the time. I remember saying to my husband that id never be ok again. Now, I still think about it everyday and I think I will always feel sad, but I can rationalise my decision somewhat as being the practical one at the time. Ultimately I did it because I thought it was better for the 2 kids I already have. It does get easier. I remember reading that and thinking I would never get out of the black hole I was in. But it takes time, and allowing yourself to grieve. I see a psychologist, which has helped. I confided in a few friends who have been amazing too. The sadness and what ifs are always there, but they are bearable.

Ladies I would love to hear how you are all doing now? It’s early days for all of us but I’m 1 week on and in a very dark place. I’ve read through this entire thread and your words have given me hope. I would love to hear from you if you feel able to update. Sending lots of love to you all ❤️

@Feelingtender Im so sorry, I hope you’re being gentle with yourself. It’s a heart vs head decision but sometimes the head knows best. Thinking of you ♥️

@Feelingtender sending you lots of love ❤️. It was a difficult few of weeks for me, but it got better with time. I think already having two little ones to look after helped me a lot and I know I made the right decision for them.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve. You won't feel like this forever, I promise xxx

Thank you @lockdownbabyx and @Amelie1988 for your replies. Your reassurances mean the world. I’m just terrified I’ll feel this way forever and so desperately want to feel better for my boys xxx

@Feelingtender i can hear me from 8-9 months ago when I read your posts, and my heart breaks for you. My abortion was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. In the days and weeks after, I never thought I’d climb out of the black hole I was in. What I know now though, is that feeling bad doesn’t mean I made the wrong decision. It took me quite a bit of time and counselling to realise that. Hang in there. Allow yourself to grieve - it is a loss and youre allowed to be sad and mourn it x

@CharlotteMcF thank you for your reply. Hearing you’ve made so much progress gives me hope. It is definitely grief and I think regret but sometimes I feel it was still the right choice for us. Maybe I just regret what I’m going through now. It’s such a complicated grief though isn’t it. I thought I’d feel nothing but relief. It’s what all the websites say don’t they, that women rarely regret their abortions, so I felt sure I would be totally fine so I’m floored by these feelings. Thank you for replying. Being in touch with women who have been where I am gives me so much comfort xxx

I think I only got through it because of replies on here, so just shout anytime you’re struggling. I just assumed I’d be fine too and the grief absolutely floored me. Find a good psych who specialises in maternal mental health if you can. I have learned to make peace with the fact I loved that baby, and part of me will always miss them, but we were not in a position to have another one and it would have broken us. Both things are true. I remember reading something on here or another forum and it helped me so much, I copied it into my notes and saved it. It was “I think when we as women can make a choice for a better quality of life for ourselves, partners and current children that is LOVE. You can feel attachment and love for an unplanned pregnancy and still love it enough to say not right now for EVERYONES sake.”

@CharlotteMcF thank you so much. That quote does help a lot. And you’re speaking so much sense. I thought all of my reasons were sound and my mental health was so poor at the time but now all those reasons don’t seem to matter and I feel horrified at what I’ve done. Thank you for the offer of support I’m glad I can reach out to you xxx

@Feelingtender can I ask how you are doing now? I am 1 week out and the anxiety is crippling, feeling anxious about everything in general and so low. Do you feel any better? I’m scared that I am going to feel like this forever.

@Friedseasalt hi there. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this as well. It’s been 4 weeks for me and things have settled a little. I started antidepressants which have started to help and I’m able to think more rationally. All I can say is give yourself time and remember your hormones are raging at the moment. I felt a bit better after two weeks because my hormones started to settle. It’s still very fresh for me too but I feel hopeful that I won’t always feel this way. Journaling helped a lot. Even just putting your thoughts into your phone notes app might help. It has for me. Seek therapy as well and there is the charity ARCH which I highly recommend. Try to remember your reasons and be kind to yourself. Give it time ❤️

It's been 2 weeks for me and I'm the same boat. I terminated as I thought I can't handle a 3rd child. The pain does eases but on days I feel some happiness I feel sad as I don't think I have the right to feel happy again. I spoke about trying a 3rd with my husband and he totally shut me down. Can't blame him as this termination was .h decision and he really wanted to keep it.
I just wonder if Il ever feel happy again. I regret what I did although I know in my head the reasons for it but it's hard to move on

@Regretttt hi! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. In the first two weeks afterwards I thought I wanted to try for another too but I think that was purely hormones. I don’t feel that way now. And I can relate with feeling guilt over being happy. But we do deserve to be happy. We were in a sad situation and we must be kind to ourselves and know that we made the right decision at that time. Look after yourself in the coming weeks and reach out to any of the ladies on here. I can’t express how their support has helped me through all of this ❤️

I came across this post and wanted to write in. I'm a few days after my medical abortion and I am floored. I feel numb. I feel like a failure not holding onto the pregnancy. I have two children and I feel I have let them down and denied them a sibling. I can't stop crying.

my heart goes out to you- those first few weeks are the worst- no one warns you about the emotional pain you can go through. i think beforehand you are just focused on the process but then the emotional side after hits you. allow yourself to grieve- it is traumatic and sad even if its the right decision its still a hard decision. message if you need to- theres a few of us on here who have been through the same. and indeed in those first few weeks it was only people on here who kept me going at times. like with any grief things will not be as raw over time. if you can try and access some counselling. The charity ARCH has a post abortion helpline which i phoned a few times as they have someone you can talk to in an evening. things will get better x

@Yht i felt exactly how you have described at the beginning. Ultimately, I did it because I have two kids already and we just weren’t in a position to have a third. I’ve done a fair bit of counselling now and made some peace with my decision - when I have a wobble now I remind myself - I wanted that baby and I wasn’t in a position to have that baby, and both things are true - but those first few weeks after the termination were the worst time of my life. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

I really appreciate messaging back. It's a lonely experience. Even though I have my husband to talk to, it's different as it's happening to my body. I have this overwhelming urge to plan and try for a baby in the next year. I don't know if I actually want this or am I trying to make up for what I've done? I even got my husband to cancel his vasectomy appointment.

I feel nostalgic for when my kids were small and when I was so happy to be pregnant. If I could only have a crystal ball to see if we would cope. Truth is I've been struggling with family and work life for the past year. I wonder did something inside me do this to protect my family unit and myself?

My mind is just so busy. How are you doing now after time has gone by? Did you go on to try to conceive again?

Again, thank you for replying.

@Yht i was obsessed with trying again as soon as possible to fix what I’d done. I realise now I can’t fix it, or have that same baby back (in my head that’s what I wanted, almost to try and erase it like it had never happened) and that I would have put myself back in exactly the same turmoil if I’d been pregnant again because none of the practical reasons had changed. I know what I did was the best for my husband and the children I already have, but I still have moments where I want to try again and wonder what could have been. I flip back and forth and I don’t know what the right answer is. Just go easy on yourself. You did what you thought was right based on the information you had at the time, and if you do decide to try again that’s ok. The best thing for me has been seeing a psych who specialises in maternal mental health and confiding in a friend. Hang in there x

Had a hospital medical abortion this week the experience was absolutely traumatic and painful for me .
I was near 10 weeks , I have one 11 year old and had an Early miscarriage last year which I would have had if we didn't miscarriage .

I felt this time I wasn't able I didn't want to go back to another 11 years starting over I struggle with my mental health and I've been in a flare with it recently and just could not see how I could cope starting all over again with a baby no life for me and Kanye couldn't give them what they need I really believed it was the right decision on the day however I made the mistake of looking each time I passed as it was in a portable so the nurse could examine the passings to know what was passed - I saw the fetus so tiny yet so formed and perfect absolutely the perfect tiniest thing I have seen it sent me into a right daze I wasn't expecting it to be like that its threw my feelings of the right decision into a billion questions and what ifs and wanting them back I am really connecting with alot of the other posts I'm reading it's comforting.😓

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You made a decision with the information you had at the time. I am a month on and I think I regret it. No going back now. Just taking it one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself.

A month on , do you think you felt you regreted it around the time or now it's sinking in? It's difficult to try know if the feeling of regret it is wishing you didn't do it , or weather it's just a natural emotion of grief because it's still a loss even though we made the decision either way maybe it's a regret of having to make a decision on what in the moment we needed to do but our hearts found it hard i hope your doing ok 💜 theres no right or wrong 😶

To be honest I don't know if it's a hormone response or if I actually regret it. My husband always said you never know if we would want a third in the future. I thought he was mad. After this has happened it's made me realise we really can't plan our lives to a t and things happen. I never in a million years thought I would be in this position.

It's navigating through emotions over this grief and thinking about the future. When I think about adding to our family and all the love we would have to give I get really excited and full of hope. Then I worry if there will be something wrong with a future baby over what I've done. And how I would ruin my current children's lives if it took all my attention away from them. Because I'm 37 now I would worry about risks and having Google at our finger tips isn't helpful.

Trying to take things day by day. I will seek counseling soon as my mind is so unsettled.

I hope you're doing ok x

Hey all, I know this post is old but I am going through the same as many of you on here, I’m a month post abortion and I just feel awful about it everyday. Does it get better? How do you heal from this emotionally? X

@Happymama98 I am so sorry you are feeling awful. Your hormones are still all over the place so do give yourself some time. Everyone in this journey heals differently. As for me it's been almost a year on and I still suffer from it and not over it but my circumstances might be different than yours. Just be kind to yourself , let your hormones settle and hopefully you can start feeling like yourself again. It does take time to heal and I hope you will will feel better soon.

Hi all. I know this is an old thread but I needed to reach out for support. I am technically not a mum but did lose a pregnancy in the second trimester. My story is that my husband and I have been together for over a decade have been going through fertility treatment. During the time of our last successful embryo transfer, I found out my husband had a multi year affair. I developed horrible PTSD from the infidelity and what I believe now was prenatal depression and anxiety, again, all triggered by the infidelity. Of course, I became pregnant somehow and immediately fell into a tailspin. Our reconciliation was not going entirely well, with horrible arguments. After a particularly bad one, my brain suddenly shut down and disassociated and I purposed an abortion. Despite the situation, the baby was desperately wanted, but the impact of the betrayal trauma was severe on my mental and physical health and it was like I could not even think clearly. Everything became worst case scenario and my hyper vigilance was on overdrive and I was in fight or flight mode. Once it was done, I was numb, and then a few weeks later it hit me like a ton of bricks what I have done. I can’t believe what happened.

Regardless of the betrayal, I could have made it work either way. I cannot believe my mental state at the time. I am beyond devastated and truly don’t know how to move forward. I hate myself for not getting support and perhaps medication. I felt like the pregnancy happened at the wrong time and fear and panic set over me. Yet the baby looked perfect at each scan. I am horrified and can’t function. What is more difficult now is that my husband and I have been successfully reconciling. He understands his actions drove me to do what I did. But that doesn’t change the fact that I cannot cope with my own actions. I literally cannot live with myself each day. What is worse, I am in my mid 30s and fear I threw away my only chance at being a mother after our fertility challenges. I realize there was always a chance this pregnancy may have not come to term, especially with my severe stress, but I didn’t even give it a chance. We do have more frozen embryos, but now I feel like I will be punished for what I’ve done and those won’t work either. I am horrified.