I just wanted to post on here as I don't have anyone in real life that I particularly want to confide to about this.
I am 11 weeks pregnant and as far as I am aware the pregnancy is progressing as it should. I have had a couple of scans which have shown a single pregnancy with a heartbeat.
I have three children with my ex husband, this pregnancy is with a different father, our relationship has also broken down so I am by myself. Struggling beyond belief 😢
I have an abortion booked for Thursday - I originally booked this as a 'precautionary' (for want of a better phrase I am sorry but can't think of anything else to say to describe) as I am waiting results of a NIPT I had last week; which I booked due to my age (40). I booked an abortion so I would be able to have an abortion and not have to wait too long if I didn't get good news from the NIPT.
But my mental health has taken such a decline I don't think I will be able to continue with the pregnancy even if the results are good. The exhaustion I am feeling is beyond the pale, I can't deal with my children properly. They spent most the weekend in front of the tv, I usually am very proactive in getting them out the house, we do days out, I love keeping busy. I have to keep busy. Now I have no energy and I feel constantly guilty and like a bad mum. They watched YouTube (which I hate them watching!!) and I had no energy to do anything 😢
My mental health has taken such a nose dive. Don't know if it's guilt or hormones or what it is but I cry all the time, I feel so sad and alone. I want to take my own life and that isn't me saying that for effect , I was in bed last night and I was thinking about how I could do it. I genuinely believe that my children would be better off without me as I am a mess.
I can't get my shit together. I feel I am harming them with me as I am now, more than me not being here would.
I have had poor mental health for years but since my marriage ended and I got divorced and it was such a horrible traumatic time I have been on a gradual decline and I can't seem to pull myself up.
My family all have their own things on and their own lives and I don't want to burden them and I don't want to talk to them anyway. The same goes for my friends, I just can't be bothered. I am not working today and I am wrapped up in a blanket on my sofa, I am freezing and just want to sleep. I feel so tired and nauseous that my housework is falling by the wayside and I have no motivation to do anything.
Luckily my kids are with their father for the week but even though I feel like I am letting them down constantly, I am rubbish without them here also. I miss them terribly. As soon as he collected them last night and they left I burst into tears.
I'm just so sad and I know I can't continue with this pregnancy. I am only 1/4 of the way through. Part of me is desperate for the baby and I was excited when I found out I was pregnant, but now 11 weeks in and I am rock bottom. Thank you if you've read this far. X