I think I am going to have an abortion this week

[mostlysunshinebitofhurricane]

I just wanted to post on here as I don't have anyone in real life that I particularly want to confide to about this.
I am 11 weeks pregnant and as far as I am aware the pregnancy is progressing as it should. I have had a couple of scans which have shown a single pregnancy with a heartbeat.
I have three children with my ex husband, this pregnancy is with a different father, our relationship has also broken down so I am by myself. Struggling beyond belief 😢
I have an abortion booked for Thursday - I originally booked this as a 'precautionary' (for want of a better phrase I am sorry but can't think of anything else to say to describe) as I am waiting results of a NIPT I had last week; which I booked due to my age (40). I booked an abortion so I would be able to have an abortion and not have to wait too long if I didn't get good news from the NIPT.
But my mental health has taken such a decline I don't think I will be able to continue with the pregnancy even if the results are good. The exhaustion I am feeling is beyond the pale, I can't deal with my children properly. They spent most the weekend in front of the tv, I usually am very proactive in getting them out the house, we do days out, I love keeping busy. I have to keep busy. Now I have no energy and I feel constantly guilty and like a bad mum. They watched YouTube (which I hate them watching!!) and I had no energy to do anything 😢
My mental health has taken such a nose dive. Don't know if it's guilt or hormones or what it is but I cry all the time, I feel so sad and alone. I want to take my own life and that isn't me saying that for effect , I was in bed last night and I was thinking about how I could do it. I genuinely believe that my children would be better off without me as I am a mess.
I can't get my shit together. I feel I am harming them with me as I am now, more than me not being here would.
I have had poor mental health for years but since my marriage ended and I got divorced and it was such a horrible traumatic time I have been on a gradual decline and I can't seem to pull myself up.
My family all have their own things on and their own lives and I don't want to burden them and I don't want to talk to them anyway. The same goes for my friends, I just can't be bothered. I am not working today and I am wrapped up in a blanket on my sofa, I am freezing and just want to sleep. I feel so tired and nauseous that my housework is falling by the wayside and I have no motivation to do anything.
Luckily my kids are with their father for the week but even though I feel like I am letting them down constantly, I am rubbish without them here also. I miss them terribly. As soon as he collected them last night and they left I burst into tears.
I'm just so sad and I know I can't continue with this pregnancy. I am only 1/4 of the way through. Part of me is desperate for the baby and I was excited when I found out I was pregnant, but now 11 weeks in and I am rock bottom. Thank you if you've read this far. X

Hello, @mostlysunshinebitofhurricane

I think it's good that you want to talk things over on here, as you'll get a sympathetic ear from women who have found themselves in your position in the past.

You - YOU - are very much wanted and are very important to the well-being of your children now and in the future. They love you, in the here and now, and going forward. I can completely understand that you feel shattered, emotionally drained and upset right now, and why your decision has been to let this pregnancy go.

Sometimes these decisions need to be made. It's tough, but necessary. I really wish you well

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best
MNHQ💐

I feel obliged to say that the @RecycledKettle has seen lots of post about abortion regret because they seem to target the posters who aren’t sure about their choice with pro life rhetoric, despite having no personal experience of abortion. It’s subtle, but effective!

@mostlysunshinebitofhurricane i really feel for you and I felt the same when I was unexpectedly pregnant with what would’ve been my third - I thought my kids would be better off without me. I was in a really dark place and I can see now that it absolutely isn’t the case, and it isn’t the case for you either! Cut yourself some slack and don’t feel guilty about TV, you’re going through a lot and your kids are still loved and very well cared for. I made the decision to terminate my third pregnancy 7 months ago. It’s been a rollercoaster but I can honestly now say it was the right decision for me at the time. I’m 35 though so do feel like I (hopefully) have the option to try again in the future if I want to, which is a thought I’ve held on to in the worst times after the abortion.

I would really urge you to speak to family and friends in real life. Or see if your GP can arrange counselling. I don’t know the extent of your mental health problems but I think you need to try to consider which option would impact you the most. I will say that I underestimated the emotional fallout on the other side of the termination. Write out your pros and cons. Could this be a temporary blip that you can get through? Do you have the resources to provide for a 4th?

Terminating is a valid choice and one you’re completely entitled to make if you decide it’s right for you.

I really wish you the best with whatever you choose.

Thank you all for your kind responses. ❤️
I have decided I am going to proceed with the termination. Please don't judge me. I have had my NIPT results today and the baby is low risk so I feel even more of a monster but I can't see how I can continue this until September. And then beyond, once the baby has been born. I have been thinking about the sleepless nights which I would have to tackle by myself, the months of being off work on maternity leave by myself. Trying to be a good parent to my three and also to the newborn. The father of the baby carries a debilitating genetic condition, he is registered disabled, and my child has a 50/50 chance of inheriting this condition. I didn't know that the NIPT wouldn't cover this, I would have to have an amniocentesis at 15 weeks and then wait for the cells to cultivate to see if it carries its father's condition. I've been incredibly naive and foolish. 😢😢
I have been weighing all this up and I have got myself into a right state.
I just want to get better.
I am dreading the aftermath of the abortion - and the mental decline that will likely ensue, and I worry I will end up in a worse position than now. But I am so bloody lonely and sad all the time and I don't feel like me. I could be giving birth to a disabled child (it is a progressive disorder and as the baby ages the condition worsens but it doesn't affect life expectancy). The condition comes in various severity levels, I've done lots of reading up, it would involve lots of operations.
God I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm so angry with myself that I have got myself into this position.
I am so sad and so tired. Day two of being too tired to do anything, wrapped up in my blanket. Feel so depressed and so useless.
I don't want to be sitting here thinking that I would be better off if I wasn't here and so would my children.
Thank you all xxxx

@Tcr1987 I don't really have the resources for a fourth, I am stretched thin enough with the three I have. Money is so so tight, my mental health is so poor.
At least the evenings are lightening which I find helps me.
I am under the care of the mental health team and I would say my issues are quite severe.
I am so sorry for what you have been through and that you have been in that same dark place I am currently in xx

It’s a really shitty position to be in and I’m sorry you feel so down. To be honest the genetic condition alone would’ve had my mental health spiralling as my anxiety is all focused on health. It sounds like you’re pretty sure and no one has the right to judge you at all.

Do you have the chance to speak to your mental health team before the appointment? I think it would be really good to speak to them in person to talk through the risks to your mental health either way and can help you in anticipation of some emotional fallout. Also I found it’s good to have your reasons for terminating the pregnancy written down to look back on on low days. Helped me remember why I made my choice when the hormones were really getting to me.

I really hope you know that you deserve to be here and to be happy, and your children deserve that too. You will feel happy again, whatever you decide.