Considering 2nd termination

[Plantfairydoll16888]

Hi all,

I found out a few days ago that I’m pregnant. DP and I conceived over the christmas weekend and according to the calculators I’m considered 5 weeks pregnant.

I’m terrified. It’s not the first pregnancy I’ve had and wouldn’t be the first termination. DP and I have been together for 10 years (aged 18) and I fell pregnant a year later. That was a much easier choice.

We bought our home in 2018 and have just began extensive reno work meaning we are now living with family. I started a new job in Dec and my maternity pay would be really poor as I’ve been with them for less than 1 year. The reno work (that’s already started doesn’t include the new roof that’s also needed, boiler upgrade and also the car that I need to buy as my previous job supplied a company car). How would we possibly afford this?

i don’t know what to do. I’m completely torn between this not being the right time and it not making practical sense to feeling absolutely disgusted with myself for getting into this situation again and heartbroken at the thought of going through it knowing what could be. I want children one day. Ideally (I know) in 2-3 years when things have settled down a little.

i really don’t feel ready to become a parent right now and the thought of it makes me feel a feeling of impending doom but equally I’m scared that I won’t be able to live with the guilt of having a termination.

DP has the same feelings however he leans more to it not being the right time right now with so much else going on. However has said this is my body and my decision and he will support me either way.

i have to say having wrote this out, deep down I don’t think I should continue this pregnancy. But how do I live with the guilt? What if I’m unable to conceive in the future? I’m constantly stopping myself from thinking too much about this out of fear of getting attached and being unable to do what I think is best.

Side note before the judgement starts. We have used a mix of Flo and Natural Cycles to track my cycle for over 2 years. We started off using protection constantly however around 6 months in given that my cycle was always so spot on, we then only used them on the days surrounding ovulation - as we did at xmas. We’re not just having unprotected sex.

Has anybody else been in this situation? I’d love to be able to talk this through more.

@Plantfairydoll16888 thank you so much for your support and sharing your story with me - I appreciate it endlessly 💕It is super isolating, and I've shared all of my doubts and worries with my partner and he's convinced it's just pregnancy hormones, but things just don't feel right for me. I'm currently 9 weeks, further along than I'd like but I wanted to give myself time to accept what was happening and see if at some point I would feel at ease with the decision and change my mind, and whether or not the hormones would fluctuate and I'd feel differently, as the last time I terminated I did it almost immediately after finding out. But my feelings aren't changing, I found out 4 weeks ago and every day since then has been inner turmoil.

I've been journalling a lot, making lists, reflecting - even flipped a coin - not to leave things up to blind faith, but to observe my gut reaction when heads or tails came up - if I got the result I truly wanted: the feeling of relief, and if I got what I didn't want: the feeling of dread.

Thank you for sharing the story of your experience, I think as I'm 9 weeks it will be a surgical, but I'm ok with that and feel I would personally choose that route regardless of the weeks.

I know it will be a difficult road, but I think listening to ourselves, our bodies, and our gut instincts is all we can do ❤

Sending you lots of love and strength for the journey ahead 💐

Hi @Plantfairydoll16888 I hope you are starting to feel much better now & able to begin to move on, sounds like you had a really hard time of it. Xx

Hi @bobb11 it's such a tough decision & you never truly know how you'll feel until it's too late to change your mind either way. Bringing a baby into the world tests any relationship, it's absolutely amazing yet when it's 5:30am & you've barely had any sleep it really pushes you to your limits & every tiny thing that annoys you about each other gets magnified! If you've had doubts for 5 years & they've not gone away then it's definitely sensible to question whether your future lies with your current partner. children can also be the absolute making of a relationship but equally they grow up so quickly & when they've moved out & don't need you anymore, can you see yourself growing old with him. Of course so many things can change over time but if you can't see a life with him now then do you feel that will change.

All of the feelings you've described were how I felt when we decided to terminate, none are how I felt with the pregnancies we went ahead with.

Even if babies are what you want, it's totally ok to decide that this is not the right time, even if in a few month things change, you can only make a decision based on how you feel right now.

It might help to write a list of reasons to keep & reasons not, sounds so black & white but actually found it really helped me to remind myself why we'd made the choice we did when I felt uncertain. Being able to revisit a long list of reasons to terminate & a very short list of reasons to keep really spelt it out for me. But deep down the main reason was that we just didn't want a baby, simple as that. And that's ok, it took me a while to feel that I didn't need to justify (to myself) that decision any further with any more reasons.

From a physical & emotional point of view terminating a pregnancy is such a hard thing to go through, even if you're certain of your decision but I always felt to grateful to have had the choice, BPAS (who I used both times) exist purely so they can help women in exercising their choice of abortion & I found everyone so lovely & supportive & totally non judgmental.

How far along are you? Hopefully you have plenty of time to make a choice. It's such a big decision & I hope you're able to make the decision which is right for you, whatever you decide. Here if you need a chat 😊.

@Jsh125 you've no idea how much your words and experiences are helping me right now 😭 I'm 9 weeks, so have a little time left but ideally would like to have made my decision by this week - I'm based in Spain and luckily you can get the process started within maximum 2 days (if you go private), but I feel I'm 85% of the way with my decision.

My problem with the relationship has always been that I can't imagine a future with my partner, he's 22 years older than me so the 'seeing a future' together is definitely a complicated issue, so I need to weigh up if the relationship in the here and now is enough for me, because the chances of me being left alone with a young adult are proportionally higher - all things we had discussed previously, and thought I was finally ok with but unfortunately that's one thing that without a doubt will only get worse with time, not better.

I know there are people out there who can make an age gap work, but I think you have to have little/no insecurities about it to go for it - it's a scary prospect and one that's magnified right now.

I've spoken openly to my partner about everything and he's being extremely supportive and understands my worries, which makes it all the harder to break his heart.

Hi @bobb11 I'm so pleased to be able to help. It's such a hard decision to make & it can feel so lonely even with a supportive partner.

It sounds like things are complicated with your relationship but trust your gut instinct & what it's telling you. You're so right that age gap relationships can work but also correct in that they come with issues to consider that others perhaps don't. Your partner sounds very lovely & supportive which must be helpful yet difficult all at the same time.

Have you been able to firm up your decision either way? Here if you need to offload

@Jsh125 thank you! You're so right, even though it's lovely to have some to support my decision either way, it actually makes things all the more difficult in a way as the decision really is down to me - I have an appt booked for Friday, and my partner is going to come with me, so I'm letting myself sit with the idea of not going through with the pregnancy and seeing how I feel about it all between now and then - my main worry is simply that it doesn't feel right deep down and I don't know if I'm strong enough/want it enough to deal with all the extras that go along with an age gap relationship, let's see how my gut leads me, but the whole thing is extremely daunting as I'd always be embarking on breaking up a relationship - a lot of heavy things all at once, but trying my best to take things one day at a time xx

Absolutely @bobb11 , no matter what support you have it's ultimately your choice which makes it so hard & lonely.

It feels like you have 2 separate enormous decisions to make, one around the pregnancy & the other around your relationship- but the 2 are so linked.

I think the bit where you said it just doesn't feel right really resonated with me. With our decision we went round in circles, do we don't we but it actually came down to the fact that we just didn't want another baby, plain & simple - we could dress it up with a million reasons to justify it but we didn't want one, it took me a long time to realise that this was a valid reason in itself. Even with hormones flying around I had to remind myself several times why we didn't want it.

It sounds really sensible to go to the appointment & just see how you feel when it all becomes more of a reality - remember no one can make you terminate so attending the appointment changes nothing if you don't want it to. Sometimes being faced with the reality (by having the appointment to discuss the abortion) instead of just playing out scenarios in our heads makes you realise how you truly feel about something.

Bringing a baby into a relationship you have doubts over is definitely a big decision but there's no right or wrong answer about what you should do.

Be kind to yourself & trust you gut instinct. Sending you a big hug 😊

@Jsh125 you're so niiice 😭😭 I'm honestly so touched by your reaching out ❤️

Exactly right about the appt on Friday, I feel like I had to make one concrete decision and see how I felt about it all, and so far I'm feeling quite calm and reflective about it - that if staying and continuing was the right choice, then I'd know that and feel it. But as you said, sometimes when you know you know and as much as I'd love to take these feelings away and not hurt my partner, I don't know what good that would do anyone in the long run, especially with a little one to think about in all of it.

The brain is such a mystery sometimes, it's exhausting.

You're so welcome. It's such a taboo subject even these days & it's just impossible for anyone to know what it's like to make such a decision unless you've been there. Easy for people to say 'I couldn't possibly do that' but unless you're having to make that choice in real life you can't know how you truly feel. I remember thinking I just wanted to talk to someone who had any sort of clue what it was like for me. And there's something really comforting about talking to someone who is completely detached from your life but just shares a similar experience.

Hopefully now you've made the appointment you've taken another step towards a final decision & that once you have the appointment you'll see how it really makes you feel. One step at a time.

The brain really is a mystery, you can just tie yourself up in knots with all sorts of thoughts & scenarios, we are definitely our own worst enemy, you're making this decision for yourself & what you think is best but it's so hard not to be affected by other peoples opinions or what you think you should or shouldn't do.

Really hope Friday helps you make a definite decision & you can start to move forward whatever choice you make. I can only imagine how tiring & stressful it must be having it hanging over you. Look after yourself. Xx

@Jsh125 I'll keep you posted with how it a goes ❤️ I have an early one at 9.00am and honestly, as you said, I'm just looking forward to moving on in one direction or another.. I feel like my life has been on total pause the last 4 weeks, so I need some relief before I actually start to go insane! Have a lovely week ❤️❤️

Wishing you good luck for tomorrow @bobb11. Hope it helps you to make a decision 😊.

@Jsh125 thank you so much 🥰 I'm home from the appt now and had the possibility of doing everything today, but decided to take the weekend with it - I felt super conflicted with my partner there and torn between doing what I wanted and hurting him 😔 plus the past experience of going through it before made it that bit more difficult as I know exactly what I'm getting myself in for - I've spoken with my sister now and I'm going to go and spend the weekend with her and she's going to come with me next time - as it's not just a simple case of ending the pregnancy, but the relationship too and I just can't feel like I'm doing it all at once, way way too much for my brain to handle.

But I feel much clearer now and ready once I take the next step - thank you for checking in xx

Hi @bobb11 sorry for not replying for a while, life has been hectic but also saw you were spending time with your sister & thought you didn't need to be replying to me while you were trying to work things out.

Sounds like the appointment was helpful. How are you feeling now? Have you been able to make a decision?

@Jsh125 thank you so much for checking in 🥰 the week with my sister was so helpful, I'm just back from my appt and went through with the surgical abortion and right now feel nothing but relief, the decision was tough but I truly feel I gave myself the time and space to sit with it without feeling like I'd made a rash decision - also going with my sister to the clinic made all the difference, I could focus on what I needed/wanted to do now without the enormity of my parter there with me too.

And my experience of the surgical abortion this time round was a million times better, I was asleep for the whole thing and remember nothing, every single person there was so helpful and compassionate.

You've helped me more than you could ever have imagined, and for that I'll be eternally grateful ❤️

Hi @bobb11 I'm so glad you were able to make a decision & that you are feeling relieved about your choice. You definitely came to a really considered decision & should never feel you made a rash choice because you absolutely didn't. It's such a rollercoaster to get there.

I'm glad that your sister was able to come with you & the surgical was ok, sounds like the sedation was absolutely the right way to go & hope your physical recovery is straightforward. Hopefully you can have a few quieter days to heal.

Hopefully the feeling of relief will stay with you but be kind to yourself, remember you've just been through a hugely emotional situation regardless of the final outcome, it's emotionally & physically tough - I think I beat myself up because I didn't think I had any right to be feeling anything other than normal as I'd made the choice, no one made me. But actually give yourself however much time you need to recover & move forwards from here. It takes strength & bravery to make the choice which feels like it goes against the norm. It's not the easy way out & making the choice which is right for you is incredibly hard.

I hope your partner is being supportive & however things work out between you that you're happy moving forwards.

That's so lovely to hear & I'm so glad I've been able to help & be supportive, it's a lonely time & am still here if you need me as you recover & process it all. Xx