Considering 2nd termination

[Plantfairydoll16888]

Hi all,

I found out a few days ago that I’m pregnant. DP and I conceived over the christmas weekend and according to the calculators I’m considered 5 weeks pregnant.

I’m terrified. It’s not the first pregnancy I’ve had and wouldn’t be the first termination. DP and I have been together for 10 years (aged 18) and I fell pregnant a year later. That was a much easier choice.

We bought our home in 2018 and have just began extensive reno work meaning we are now living with family. I started a new job in Dec and my maternity pay would be really poor as I’ve been with them for less than 1 year. The reno work (that’s already started doesn’t include the new roof that’s also needed, boiler upgrade and also the car that I need to buy as my previous job supplied a company car). How would we possibly afford this?

i don’t know what to do. I’m completely torn between this not being the right time and it not making practical sense to feeling absolutely disgusted with myself for getting into this situation again and heartbroken at the thought of going through it knowing what could be. I want children one day. Ideally (I know) in 2-3 years when things have settled down a little.

i really don’t feel ready to become a parent right now and the thought of it makes me feel a feeling of impending doom but equally I’m scared that I won’t be able to live with the guilt of having a termination.

DP has the same feelings however he leans more to it not being the right time right now with so much else going on. However has said this is my body and my decision and he will support me either way.

i have to say having wrote this out, deep down I don’t think I should continue this pregnancy. But how do I live with the guilt? What if I’m unable to conceive in the future? I’m constantly stopping myself from thinking too much about this out of fear of getting attached and being unable to do what I think is best.

Side note before the judgement starts. We have used a mix of Flo and Natural Cycles to track my cycle for over 2 years. We started off using protection constantly however around 6 months in given that my cycle was always so spot on, we then only used them on the days surrounding ovulation - as we did at xmas. We’re not just having unprotected sex.

Has anybody else been in this situation? I’d love to be able to talk this through more.

Hi please don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation as to why you've had a termination or why you want to have a termination. Being pregnant is hard enough and you do your best to make the choice for your unborn child.

Follow your heart and see how you feel. Get a price go paper and write the pros and cons. Nobody can tell you what to do but you'll make that decision yourself. Phone the clinics up if you want to see who funds in your area. Then make a choice if you want to go through with it. You'll just know what he right decision is for you. Hope you're well xx

Piece of paper*

Hiya. Loads of women have had more than one abortion you shouldn’t feel so bad about yourself. Also it won’t affect further pregnancies. I read abortion is safer than giving birth anyway .

You have to do what's right for you

But using Flo and Natural Cycles is unprotected sex and this should be the wake up call to put in place proper protection - I have regular cycles like clockwork but due to medical reasons (infertility) I had lots of ultrasound cycle tracking and ovulation could be anywhere from cycle day 12 to day 17 so unless you happen to be temping, doing ovulation kits and do on (which you wouldn't unless you are trying to conceive) then those apps are NOT reliable

Also this isn't the case. D&Cs are well known to cause later infertility issues due to scarring and adhesions.

Not saying this to dissuade you by the way but unless you do the termination with the pills at home D&C do carry a risk

@thislittlehouseofmine Well I think we will have to disagree on that one. Unless your not in the u.k. Its safe here.

Thanks so much for your response. I do feel like I know what’s right, right now. It’s just such a heart wrenching decision and I don’t know how I’m going to manage either way. It’s a decision I really wish I didn’t have to make. Thank you for your words of support it means a lot x

Thanks so much for your response. I do feel like I know what’s right, right now. It’s just such a heart wrenching decision and I don’t know how I’m going to manage either way. It’s a decision I really wish I didn’t have to make. Thank you for your words of support it means a lot x

Just to be clear. I’ve already said I’ve been using a mixture of natural cycles and Flo. With NC I take my temp every single morning as soon as I wake. It’s on top of my phone so the first thing I grab when my alarm goes off. The thermometer stores the reading and I later enter it into the app. This, alongside all other data logs with both apps given my cycle appeared to be extremely regular. Periods like clockwork etc. So yes, after this working for me for over 2 years and having discussed this with medical professionals during this time, I believed my risk of pregnancy was extremely low. As mentioned, we also use condoms over my ovulation days as we did in December. Our thought is that perhaps the condom was damaged in some way. We do not know. I came here for advice on the situation im I’m looking for anybody who has experienced similar. Not judgement.

I’m 5 weeks pregnant. The termination would take place using early abortion pills. Not a medical procedure. Please ensure you’re fact checking before making such comments. I’m wise enough to do my research however others may not, and take your word for it

I just feel so stupid, you know? When this happened all of those years ago it was a no brainer. It wasn’t remotely feasible. But now. As a 28 year old woman part of me feels like I need to play the cards I’ve been dealt. Despite my gut increasingly telling me that it’s not the right time. I’m not financially ready (we’ve torn down walls and all sorts in our home and it all needs to be paid for). Practically speaking, I need to buy a car (another huge expense). My new employment means I would receive a very basic maternity pay. I’m not emotionally ready for this. Our relationship hasn’t been the strongest in recent months but were working on it - am I prepared to be a single parent so soon? But - I dream of somebody being a mum and so I just feel disgusting at the thought of a termination with a plan to conceive in the future

Please ensure you’re fact checking before making such comments. I’m wise enough to do my research however others may not, and take your word for it

I have

Then you should know about the increased risk of Ashermans post D&C.

Good luck with your decision

As mentioned. This wouldn’t be a ‘D&C’ which by the way, having researched what that is, is actually a routine procedure which is considered safe and does not affect your ability to pregnant in the future. But thanks.

I'm not sure why people are posting messages to scare the op.

Op please don't worry. You'll be okay and you'll make a choice. Guilt after abortion is normal but it takes time to heal and make you understand why you had to do it. Write your feelings down somewhere and have a look again if you do go through with it and feel guilt. What you're feeling is normal. Much love and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you take. Honestly speaking I had the same fears and it took time to heal.

I believe d&c is different to how they do abortions now ? It’s used a lot by pro life groups in America to put off women or make them feel worse. Here it’s usually tablets up to ten weeks or a gentle suction surgery. I think for pregnancy’s later
on you have to give birth to it . I’m in no was an expert on these things but I do know that it’s safer than childbirth.
This is because when I had my
second abortion I was a single mum with no support off my family or kids father. I did think how I would look after them on my own while pregnant as I do get very sick. Then if anything happened in childbirth eg dying or birth injuries I’d have no one to look after my existing children.
Yes I felt absolutely terrible with myself for having another abortion but I just had to make a decision. I was very early on so that did help. I’ve struggled mentally since but the actual surgery was fine and believe me a hundred times easier than giving birth.

You haven’t though, or else you wouldn’t be denying the fact that actually, abortion is statistically significantly safer for women than birth. Apparently the risks associated with birth aren’t worth mentioning for you though, funny that.

Complications are also rare.

OP, don’t feel bad in the slightest. You don’t have to answer to anyone who would see fit to judge you. Make the best decision for you.

How have you got on making your decision?

I'm in a very similar situation OP, how are you doing these days?

I'm 32 and considering a second termination with the same partner - I'm really struggling and delaying making a decision because I'm hoping one morning I'll wake up and everything will feel ok - but really really struggling with the idea of having a second termination, and like you said just dealing with the cards I've been dealt because of my age and situation (on paper). But I've felt nothing but dread since finding out.

Sending you strength with whatever you've decided 💐

Hi @bobb11 sorry to hear you've found yourself with a difficult decision to make but just wanted to say I have had 2 terminations, it's something I never thought I could do once let alone twice but I absolutely don't regret it & would make the same choice again if needed, however it wasn't an easy decision & I do feel guilty at having found myself with an unwanted pregnancy twice.

But I made the right choice for myself & my family & I'd stand by that.

I didn't tell anyone aside from my husband about either pregnancy but all the staff I came across were lovely, not once was I made to feel judged for having been in this situation once before - it was purely my own judgment of myself & beating myself up about it

If you decide a termination is the right choice for you then please don't worry about the fact you've had one before, having a baby you don't truly want is much worse.

It's such a personal decision & I hope you can make one soon but am here if you need a chat

@Jsh125 thank you so much for your reply ❤️ and for your comforting words, I just feel so silly to be in an almost identical situation to five years except I'm older and apparently 'wiser' 🤦‍♀️ but you've definitely put my mind at ease with regards the judgment, we're our own worst enemies right?

And I know if I were talking to a friend right now and not myself, I'd never speak/think what I'm saying to myself right now.

Would you mind me asking whether you have children? I don't, so I'm also super aware that maybe this is just how I react to finding out I'm pregnant, but maybe it would actually be ok if I went through with it - I've spoken to my sister and a friend who have children and they can't relate to how I'm feeling at all, which is sending alarm bells ringing that I should and deserve to be happy about a pregnancy when it feels right xx

Hi @bobb11 you're so welcome, it can feel such a lonely time as no matter how many close friends of family you have, no one can truly understand unless they've been there. I wasn't sure how people would react so chose to keep it to ourselves.

We are definitely our own worst enemies, i gave myself such a hard time!

I do have children, a 5&3 year old & both terminations were after having our children. I felt completely different about the pregnancies we terminated than when I was pregnant with my children.

My experience of the pregnancies we did go through with was nervous excitement, overall it felt right & of course we were wondering what we'd let ourselves in for but at no point did terminating cross our minds at all, even with our second which came along a little bit quicker than we would have ideally chosen.

With the pregnancies we terminated as soon as there was a positive test it was more 'oh shit, we really don't want this'. It was such a different feeling. After having our second I'd always said if there was an accident or I got pregnant again there's no way i could terminate, but when it actually happened it turned out the opposite was true. I just couldn't see life in 9 months with a newborn baby in it

Having children is amazing, truly amazing, but it's also bloody exhausting, hard work, emotional, relentless & million other things.

From my experience even though you can never truly tell if you're ready for children the feeling when we did want them was very different to when we didn't.

You're right, you absolutely should & deserve to feel happy & excited about a pregnancy, even if that's all mixed in with nerves, uncertainty, anxiety & everything else. Trust your gut instinct, babies are a lifelong commitment, they're amazing & I'm sure you'd manage just fine but also don't feel pressured into it just because you think you should. Hopefully you'll know when the time is truly right.

Hi all,

Apologies for the radio silence. I did go ahead with the termination at the end of January. It was quite an ordeal that I believe only completed around a week ago.

It’s been an extremely difficult time however for the first time since finding out, I actually feel like me again. It was definitely the best decision for me despite how things went at the time.

i won’t lie, it was absolutely horrendous and I felt as though I was being ‘punished’ however like any medical procedure, not everything goes as planned. And I’m back to full health and ready to move on with my life.

Thank you guys for your advice and support. Wishing any of you ladies going through anything similar lots of love and support x

Hi there,

Firstly wishing you lots of support. I know what a difficult time this is. Even with the most supportive partner, it feels so isolating because there’s no way they can truly understand what it is you’re going through.

I went ahead with the termination in January and it was definitely the right decision for me. I felt awful right up until a few days ago if I’m honest - almost like a grieving process.

i guess for some people it just takes some time to come to terms with the pregnancy but for others like myself, it just absolutely is not the right decision. You will know for yourself. Always here if you need to
talk things through - as I say, I know how isolating this can be 💛

I thought I’d just provide a run down of how the termination went and the complications. As I mentioned, I was not straight forward however I am fine and I think it’s important to give women a true idea of how these things CAN go.

24/01/23 - Took the first tablet

25/01/23 - Inserted the 4 tablets vaginally. I was SO stressed that inserting them was almost impossible. I cried a lot. I then realised one tablet hadn’t inserted correctly.
I called the helpline and they told me it’s fine and to take the other 2 3-4 hours later as planned.

After around 2 hours the pain started. I thought it was manageable however it got a lot worse and at this point I took the codeine that was provided. (First mistake - take the codeine before the pain gets so bad).
The pain would come in waves but to be completely honest I don’t know how I would have managed without the codeine. I vomited twice with the pain. It would come in waves. So a few minutes of mild manageable cramps and then several minutes of super intense cramps that I begged to be over. The codeine finally started to take the edge off.

I was bleeding at this point but not as much as I thought I would.

After 3.5 hours I took the remaining 2 tablets orally. Inserted between my cheeks orally. Shortly after this I experienced what I can only describe as ‘laying a small egg’, twice. I checked the toilet but due to the amount of blood I could not see anything. But I knew that this was the termination.

From then on I experienced only mild cramping. My partner ordered me a dominos and I felt fairly ok.

I continued to bleed but again, a very small amount. This continued for around 2.5 weeks and I thought everything was over. I was slightly concerned that I hadn’t bled enough and the cramps had never gone away but was advised to wait until 3 weeks and do the pregnancy test.

The day before I was due to take the pregnancy test I started experiencing the worst stomach pains and felt I had bled through my pad. I was using regular ones due to the small amount of bleeding. I swapped to a maternity pad. I leaked through this and sat on the toilet panicking waiting for my partner to return home.

A few moments later I experienced that same ‘laying an egg’ feeling down there which felt much bigger than the previous 2. The pain instantly stopped.

I experienced bleeding of small clots for around a week or so after this.

I had to attend hospital to ensure the pregnancy had fully cleared. It had.

The bleeding finally stopped completely this week.

Its been a really long and worrying process but I’m finally in a place to move forward and do feel as though I made the right decision.

Everybodys experience will be different. Some super straightforward, others way more complicated. My first termination at 18 was nothing like this and was over and done within a few hours and wasn’t particularly painful.

I hope this helps somebody. Despite the ‘complications’ I’m still confident in my decision which is the main thing.

@Jsh125 I can't thank you enough for your words, truly ❤I've always wanted to be a mother and still do in the future, but actually what's prompting my decision is the uncertainty of my relationship with my partner - he's a great person, but I've regularly felt that we weren't a great fit and couldn't imagine a future with him - the last time I terminated I put it down to my own personal inadequacies (money, career etc. + a little relationship doubt), I've now worked on all those things and 5 years later I'm personally in a much better position, but the relationship still feels off - I feel like I can't ignore the feelings and bring a baby into a relationship where I'm full of doubt before the hard stuff even begins.

Knowing that you can directly compare how you felt regarding the pregnancies of your little ones really puts things into perspective for me and solidifies the fact that that's how I want to feel about such a monumental decision.

I know there's no perfect time for a baby, but feel you need to know in your heart of hearts that you can make it work and want it - I had a miscarriage scare a week or so ago and I felt nothing but relief, so I think that speaks volumes.

I'm more hesitant this time round as I know how painful the recovery of a termination can be emotionally (and was for me the first time, but ultimately felt it was the right decision) and that if I make this decision, the relationship is also over - so lots of life altering scenarios to be played out.