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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

Abortion?

37 replies

Staceybeak · 22/12/2022 22:21

Really need another opinion! TW - talk of abortion.

Recently me and my partner have been talking about a third child, not really saying we want one but we were taking a ‘if it happens, it happens’ kind of way.

Fast forward to now, I’m pregnant with our third child. Partner has decided he really doesn’t want it and wants me to have an abortion.

His reasons are perfectly valid as our other 2 kids are a good age, we’ve just got rid of all our baby stuff and he’s doing really well at work.

Me on the other hand was quite happy that I was pregnant but my mind is slowly turning to have an abortion just to make our lives easier as we have argued about it a lot and it’s getting into my head about how hard it will be with 3 kids.

He says he’s ‘happy’ with whatever decision I choose to go with. But that breaks my heart that he’s ‘happy’ for me to go an have an abortion.

I really don’t know what to do as our lives are perfect at the moment and ever since I’ve become pregnant it’s just turned to shit! we talk about it and it always ends up sour and I get upset, I really don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 22/12/2022 22:22

Have an abortion. Your partner doesn't really want it and two kids is plenty anyway.

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 22:25

@DenholmElliot11 the throwaway nature of your comment is sickening to me.

OP, only you know how you will feel either way. I would lose all respect for a man willing to sleep with me saying "if it happens, it happens", who then changed his mind when the deed was done.

minticecreamisjustok · 22/12/2022 22:29

You both decided to have sex knowing you could get pregnant again, it's not his decision, but if that's what you wanted, you likely to regret it if you do have an abortion.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2022 22:33

not really saying we want one but we were taking a ‘if it happens, it happens’ kind of way.

This is so baffling. You’ve got two, you both know what’s likely to happen if you have unprotected sex. Now it’s happened. If you have an abortion will you decide definitely not to have another and one or both of you use contraception? Or will one or both of you decide you actually might like another one after all?

If he’s happy either way then why are you arguing? And how far along are you?

It’s entirely your decision but you seem very conflicted. To give all your baby stuff away and think your two kids are enough but to knowingly try to conceive again - no wonder your head’s in a mess.

Original poster
Staceybeak · 22/12/2022 22:37

The thing is he says he’s happy either way but he is not, he really really does not want another baby. And the reason I’m so conflicted is because I know how hard it will be and how it’s going to change our lives. Also, I hate knowing I would be doing something to my partners life when he has no say in it at all.

ive had an abortion a long time ago and I still think about it now, I don’t regret it but I’ve always said I would never do it again. It’s so confusing.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2022 22:52

he really really does not want another baby

Really really should have used a condom then. That ship has now sailed.

snowdropdewdrop · 22/12/2022 22:53

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QueenBeex · 22/12/2022 22:58

You deliberately had unprotected sex and the conversation about "if it happens it happens", now it's happening, which you was both aware would be the case.

If you do have an abortion, he needs to have the snip if he is so against another baby but enjoys unprotected sex, and you need to go on birth control as "if it happens, it happens" isnt what you both want at all so the responsible thing would be to do all you can to prevent it.

His mind is clearly made up, to be fair it sounds like yours pretty much is too, there's no mega rush, take a few days.

DorritLittle · 22/12/2022 23:01

OP, you wanted abother baby and thought your DH did too. The only thing I judge is him strong arming you to have an abortion. Don't have one if you don't want to. But also, it is fine to have changed your mind. The thought of pregnancy is one thing. The reality of pregnancy is another thing entirely. BPAS will be helpful if you choose abortion but they also have counsellors you could discuss this with, and you could ask for this to be moved to the Pregnancy Choices board.

somethingslastforever · 22/12/2022 23:02

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Lillygolightly · 22/12/2022 23:47

Oh my gosh OP I am sorry for some of the terrible and insensitive responses you’ve had.

You really have to think about what you feel in your heart and deep down. This takes some very careful thinking and soul searching because an abortion can not be undone and regret can destroy you and resentment can destroy your relationship. I’m not all saying you shouldn’t have an abortion if you feel that’s the right option for you, but just to make sure that it’s what you truly want and feel is best.

If your husband has said he is happy with whatever decision you make then I would run with that. He’s not demanding an abortion but has merely stated his preference, but if he’s not pressuring you and says he’s happy either way, that suggests to me that he will come round to the idea in time. I know it’s sad when he’s not feeling the same as you are, but that’s allowed and doesn’t mean that he won’t necessarily get there. Pregnancy can always be a bit of a shock, especially when unplanned and his knee jerk reaction has been different to yours, that’s all.

Take your time and think carefully OP, sending hugs.

Citycentre3 · 22/12/2022 23:54

To plan a baby, then not plan it when you get pregnant is completely irresponsible and not what the abortion act was invented for.

whumpthereitis · 23/12/2022 01:11

It really doesn’t matter what other people would do, or whether they’d want to be your situation or not, it’s your situation to deal with. Personally I would abort because I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world unwanted by one parent. You’ve got to make the choice that best for you though, as well as for your family as it is.

Spiderboy · 23/12/2022 01:15

I’d be devastated OP. Ultimately I wouldn’t bring a child into my world with a parent who doesn’t want them but it’s really sad your OH didn’t figure this out before having unprotected sex

it’s up to you

Opentooffers · 23/12/2022 01:29

Also, I hate knowing I would be doing something to my partners life when he has no say in it at all.
What about the things you are going to have to go through in life whichever way you decide? You haven't done this to him, he had the unprotected sex too, and the consequences for you will be far greater than anything he experiences. Don't make this all about him, what you want rightly trumps everything.

Lillygolightly · 23/12/2022 01:32

@QueenBeex where in the original post did the OP state they had unprotected sex? OP may have indeed been using contraception, and has had what she mistakenly believed would be a happy accident based on conversations with her partner.

@Citycentre3 The abortion act is for any woman in any circumstance to have to option of being able to choose whether or not she wants to continue to gestate a baby. Also from reading OP’s original post she said they had conversations about a hypothetical third child, not that the decided to plan one, and simply changed their minds.

@snowdropdewdrop & @somethingslastforever I am so very sorry for whatever struggles you have been through, I have lost a child myself and it breaks my heart every day yet I still think that all women everywhere have the right to choose whether continuing a pregnancy is right for them whatever their reasons may be. I think it’s rather insensitive to comment as you have, if you feel as you do and could not come here to offer some support why click on a thread clearly titled Abortion that the OP clearly marked with a trigger warning. It’s clear to me that the OP wants to continue the pregnancy and has written a post asking for advice and support as it is her partner who has her considering and abortion because that’s what he wants, not because it’s what she wants!!!

Opentooffers · 23/12/2022 01:39

In the "if it happens" discussion, who was the most keen to not use contraception? Was it an equal idea to 'wing it' or did he claim it wouldn't be the end of the world, so that he could avoid using it?
2 people had unprotected sex, 1 thought it would be OK if they got pregnant so went along with it, while the other did it knowing they didn't want a pregnancy - ie was thinking as far as instant gratification and to hell with the consequencesfor the other. That is devious really, when you think about it.

MakeItADouble2 · 23/12/2022 01:46

I have a feeling you will regret it if you abort this baby- way more than your first one.

MissMaple82 · 23/12/2022 02:13

DenholmElliot11 · 22/12/2022 22:22

Have an abortion. Your partner doesn't really want it and two kids is plenty anyway.

What the fuck!

SunflowerTed · 23/12/2022 05:30

Id have an abortion and be a lot more responsible in the future!! I would not want to bring a baby into this situation

KB2023 · 07/02/2023 18:56

i fell pregnant july 2022 and had an abortion for the right reasons and was my decision. Since then I have met someone and everything is perfect, he’s perfect.. we’ve both said we want children in the future (1-2yrs) and live together. It’s been 5 months since we’ve met and 3 months official of being together, I have found out I’m pregnant and I am 5 weeks. I hated every part of my abortion I had back in 2022 and said I would never put myself through it again, now I am in this situation he wants me to get an abortion and I feel like I have agreed to his decision and why we shouldn’t keep it. He wants us to live for us this year, go away together etc and be living together by the end of the year, he’s late 20’s I’m early 30s and both have no children. We don’t use contraception and no the risks involved, I’m having doubts already and that if I have an abortion I will regret it. What do I do?? Please help and advice xx

Lillygolightly · 08/02/2023 01:00

@KB2023

You have to make this decision for you and you only. Forget all the promises and talks of commitment, moving in, holidays, you have to take these things out of consideration because regardless of choice none of these things may happen so you have to treat them as if they won’t.

So forget everything he has said or promised, clear you mind as much as possible and imagine it’s just you and this pregnancy, what do YOU want to do? What do you want for yourself?

Given your previous experience of terminating a pregnancy it is likely you will experience similar feelings having another. That said, it doesn’t make it the wrong choice or the right choice. You can only make this decision by going on your feelings, thoughts and information you have right now. A termination in my opinion is always a difficult thing no matter how clear cut the circumstances and regret is a powerful emotion and sadly there is no way to be absolutely sure you will regret it, or if you won’t. All I can say is that you have a pretty clear indicator given that you have already been through this before.

Ask yourself what will be different in a year, what difference is a holiday or two…if you want this pregnancy is it worth giving it up for those things now in the hopes that after a year and a holiday he’s possibly going to be happy to settle down and have a baby with you. What happens if you get 6 months beyond the termination and you split up, or if you stay together and spend a year or several with him and doing what he wants only for him to keep saying he’s not ready yet, wasting your time and running out your fertile years? I’m not saying this to guilt you, I’m saying this to make you understand why it is so utterly important it is to not count on anything he says or promises now (it could all be complete BS in order to get you to make the choice HE wants you to make) which is why you must make this decision for you, and you alone, because what it done cannot be undone, and words and promises don’t go very far when they could literally evaporate into thin air tomorrow.

As an aside if he was a good and decent partner and person he would support you in making you making this choice for you! Not for him! After all it is your body, and whether you continue this pregnancy or not he can walk away at any time, where as you cannot. Yes he can make his preference known, as is his right to do so, but he should also give his support even if you don’t make the choice he wants you to make. Given that you weren’t on contraception, and you both knew pregnancy was a possibility this situation can hardly be a surprise.

Sorry that was longer than I intended.

BrightSaturn · 08/02/2023 01:27

Easy for him to say when it’s not his body that will go through it.

yes wife, just pop down to the clinic for a quick abortion and I’ll put the kettle on.

by all means consider your options but he does not have the final say.

MamaMountain · 08/02/2023 02:05

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Same, having tried for a baby for 6 years with no joy. The attitude of ‘if it happens it happens’ if you’re lucky enough to be fertile then this is what happens… personally I’m not against abortion, however only in the necessary circumstances. This seems like a very convenient selfish ‘quick fix’ that you could just abort your baby like cancelling a hair appointment just because ‘you can’. At the end of the day, this wasn’t a ‘whoopsy baby’ in a moment of drunken passion, you actually both discussed and decided on this knowing full well what would happen.

michellet86 · 08/02/2023 02:17

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Why would you say that to another woman?
Just because some women are infertile it doesn't mean women who want an abortion are bad people! it does not affect your life in any way shape or form