What would you do? Abortion or continue?

[Starlin]

I'll preface this by saying that I've been in counselling and am struggling and would appreciate some advice. Also namechange as i don't want this Associated with my other posts.

I have 2DC with ExH and we get on really well. It's been a massive upheaval but we're doing well.

I've been seeing a guy for 7-8 months and its been a "bumpy" road. I've had massive fertility issues and was on the list for the coil so we were using protection but surprise surprise, I'm pregnant.

Before i found out, we split up a few days before as there were quite a few red flags that i couldn't ignore anymore (e.g. jealousy, lashing out emotionally). In shock, i told him about him the pregnancy and he was so happy. Literally ecstatic.

As I'm going through my options and I've been to the counselling and it's really tough as I'd love another baby but i don't think I'd be able to co-parent effectively with this guy. We've had a discussion about options and he said: if you have the baby, I'll be a PITA and want to be involved as much as i can and I'd fight you for everything to get that access.

In one view, this is great. He wants to be involved but on the other, i fear he'd use this to manipulate me /continue to impact my life forever as he'd always have the ability to comment /input on my life and choices.

What would you do?

Please be gentle as this is perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

So worst come to worst in that scenario is you’d go to court, court would agree on both your access to the child. Very rarely do dads get full custody unless there is a risk of harm to the child from the mother. However it’s also rare that court won’t grant access to the father unless there is a risk of harm to the child too.

Based on both your circumstances, Children tend to stay with the mother as their main carer and the dad sees them alternate weekends and a couple of nights during the week or you get split 50/50 custody. This is all dependent on the child’s age aswell though so it wouldn’t be beneficial for a newborn baby to be away from its mother for very long etc compared to say a 6 year old. It really is based on what’s best for the child. They would try and get you to go to mediation first too to see if you could come to an arrangement together rather than the lengthy and expensive court process.

Money wise he might try and withhold maintenance payments but equally this can be arranged through child maintenance services. Maintenance and access are completely seperate though so just because he doesn’t pay maintenance doesn’t mean he isn’t entitled to access to the child. If it’s in the childs best interests to have a relationship with their father then they would make this happen. Equally people saying don’t put him on the birth certificate, that’s fine until he takes you to court for a dna test which all adds to the costs of court fees/ solicitor bills etc.

I guess you need to weigh up the probability of this all happening and how you would deal with it all, how it might affect you and the children you already have and whether you would still prefer this over a termination. The other thing is none of this might happen although he does seem an arse from what you are saying.

I will say if you aren’t sure with an abortion you absolutely shouldn’t rush into it as you may regret it if it’s not what you want. Try and have a think about how you might feel after you’ve had the termination not just how you might feel if you kept the baby as sometimes I don’t think people factor that in.

Terminate, 100%. Why would you give this man power over you for the next 18 years.

Very clever and sensible.

I'd terminate. There are just too many negative 'what ifs' for me to want to take the chance of a lifetime of hell tied to someone who appears to be a controlling bastard who would have no compunction about using an innocent child as a weapon to hurt and control me. Think of the effect on that child! Not to mention 'trickle down' effect on your other two.

As far as dealing with him in the future, why would you need to? I'd tell him the truth if it wouldn't cause you problems: that I'd aborted rather than coparent with him. Or if that is unwise, I'd say I had a miscarriage. Then either way I'd block him and go NC. Is there some reason why he'd remain within your 'world' after you told him go get lost? Meaning is he a coworker, friend of a friend, or such?

What a difficult situation, OP, I'm so sorry. I hope you're feeling OK.

Just wanted to recommend posting on the Relationships board for general advice about your experience with this man. Many of us have been there with dangerous, love-bombing partners and understand the process of learning to recognise this harmful behaviour for what it is.

Wishing you the best.

For me, I would consider my options in protecting my child from him through social services etc but under your circumstances, I would not abort.

Thank you everyone. This is all really helpful and I'm definitely reading each one.

I am so sorry. It is a really hard situation, and I totally agree that you are 110% right to be thinking about it very carefully.

If you keep the baby, he will inevitably be involved in your and the child's life in some way. However, you are, as I understand, not obliged to put him on the birth certificate (this would give him parental rights). It would be a stressful struggle, but I think even the way he has been behaving towards you now would not count well for him when considered by a family court.

If you do not keep the baby, it would be completely understandable. Having said that, you would have your own sorrow to deal with. Which is difficult to predict.

I understand though that with the fertility issues you've had, this pregnancy will feel like a gift, and something extra precious.

I suppose in your situation, I would write some lists. Of pros and cons for both scenarios.

Ultimately, if you have the baby, then I guess you would know you are going into it with an expectation that he will be involved in the child's life, and you will have to negotiate with him. Having said that, if there is a sensible arrangement, then this could perhaps work well in that you would have time just for your other two children as well, when he had the child.

I think I do know what I would do, but it is not my place to try to influence you at all.

My advice, though, which you've asked for, is:
If you think you can set up an arrangement which would work, then have the baby. Because in your place, I'd be worried about regretting my decision to terminate. And I'd rather deal with the real life practicalities with him, than that regret.

That's just me, though.

I really hope you have some kind people around you to help you with whichever decision you make. X

Hey moms,
Currently i am 9wks pregnant,separating with my husband due to him was abusive towards me the last four years ,we already have three girls aged 12,7 and 3.since he knew i am pregnant he completely changed and already said he doesn’t want this and he regretted that he actually met me and have the three children together .currently i am not working and looking desperately though .
until now for lots of reasons i wanted to keep this baby which my other three girls called him Simon which they are looking forward to meet until him (ex husband)mentioned I am his karma /mistake .
his comments are that’s he is too handsome and any woman should treat him like a king .
i tried my best to be fair in the 13 years we have together however he just recently starting shouting at the girls for no reason and throwing dishes while he is cooking which he barely helps in our household.
The last two days thinking to abort this baby however i can feel a heart beat and don’t know what to decide .also he mentioned that he will pay zero maintenance for the kids .
I am very sad atp

Oh Strawberry, that's awful. Has he always been mean like that, or has he gone through some changes? Four years of abuse is a long time. I'm sorry for all you've been through. For him to say he regrets having his children and being with you, no one should ever say that. It sounds like he's totally full of himself. I don't know what country you live in, but in most places, men don't have a choice about paying child support if they are the father. Don't let him bully you into aborting if that goes against your feelings. Is there any family members who can help you during this tough time? Your kids deserve better than a father who yells and throws things. Don't believe his hurtful words.