What would you do? Abortion or continue?

[Starlin]

I'll preface this by saying that I've been in counselling and am struggling and would appreciate some advice. Also namechange as i don't want this Associated with my other posts.

I have 2DC with ExH and we get on really well. It's been a massive upheaval but we're doing well.

I've been seeing a guy for 7-8 months and its been a "bumpy" road. I've had massive fertility issues and was on the list for the coil so we were using protection but surprise surprise, I'm pregnant.

Before i found out, we split up a few days before as there were quite a few red flags that i couldn't ignore anymore (e.g. jealousy, lashing out emotionally). In shock, i told him about him the pregnancy and he was so happy. Literally ecstatic.

As I'm going through my options and I've been to the counselling and it's really tough as I'd love another baby but i don't think I'd be able to co-parent effectively with this guy. We've had a discussion about options and he said: if you have the baby, I'll be a PITA and want to be involved as much as i can and I'd fight you for everything to get that access.

In one view, this is great. He wants to be involved but on the other, i fear he'd use this to manipulate me /continue to impact my life forever as he'd always have the ability to comment /input on my life and choices.

What would you do?

Please be gentle as this is perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. This was me 22 years ago. I kept the baby, and I've been tied to my dickhead ex and his family for the rest of my life. I love my son, but seriously if I'd had my time again...

I'd never give up Parental rights on my child. It's one reason why i couldn't do adoption. I know that I'd bond with the baby during pregnancy.

Has anyone got any advice for how to handle the Emotional manipulation that he gives me?

Why does he have an automatic right to the baby if you’re not married and he’s not on the birth certificate? I don’t know the answer to this.

If I was under 12 weeks I think I’d have a termination in your shoes. But I’m not you.

@GiantCheeseMonster he has said that he'll go to court and have a paternity test to prove that he's the father and demand access.

I've got no issues having a co-parenting relationship (i do this with my other children) but I'm worried about if that would be possible with him.

@Libertyqueen : I'm 6 weeks according to the dates

I would definitely terminate. The chaos and emotional pain likely to come with being shackled to this man could ruin your and your childrens lives.

You really need legal advice. I have no idea how he could force you to have a paternity test. You’re not married. Please speak to a solicitor to see what he could legally do before you make your decision, then you’re fully informed with all the facts about the possible outcomes of continuing with the pregnancy.

He can. If he is the biological father he can claim his rights even if not named initially on birth certificate. Most don’t bother (which is why it’s still worth not naming if you don’t think contact is in your child’s best interests e.g. domestic abuse). But they can get a court order for a DNA test.

So sorry, OP. That’s such a tough situation. I’d terminate and tell him it’s a miscarriage, he sounds high drama and there’s no sense in stoking the fire. The outcome is the same regardless.

So sorry you are going through this.
He sounds like he will make things very difficult for you and this will affect your other children.
I would terminate and tell him you have had a miscarriage.
Hugs

Thank you everyone. I didn't expect so many replies and it's been really eye opening what you've said.

I have another counselling session tomorrow and will be discussing this again regarding potential options and what i can do.

I'm not keen to lie as I'm sure that it would come back and bite me.

id get an abortion. My DDs is similar, everything was a fight. It really made parenting depressing and a chore.

You’re only six weeks are tablets still an option? I mean non surgical option get it booked as soon as if he asks miscarriage as others have suggested.

@Always4Brenner yes, tablets are an option until 9 weeks x days and it could be done at home. I was considering a medical option as they've offered to also do the coil at the same time (which would be a bonus as I've been on the waiting list for it).

Brilliant you do what is best for you never mind that awful ex bf he can jog on, I bet once baby arrived he’d take no interest or be nasty etc, no think of your future 1 year 2 years etc down the line.

Lie. Nothing will come back to bite you unless he has access to your medical records

Personally this man would scare me and I wouldn't want someone hating me because he thought I'd aborted his baby. Your own safety is more important

Sorry your in this position op, I can tell it's not an easy decision for you.
If I was in your shoes I would terminate without a doubt, you've already seen red flags and he has been very open about how he will expect to be involved, every step of the way. Think about that practically, name, feeding, schooling, routines, vaccines, religion, hobbies, random list I know but just a tiny amount of decisions he will expect to be a part of making and he sounds like he might fight you on everything just for the sake of it. Could you honestly live that way?

He's already saying he'd 'fight you'. He may lose interest , he may not. He doesn't sound like someone you'd want to be tied to for at least the next 18years.

Abortion. He sounds like a prize dick. Sounds like you’re on a good track now with the 2 kids you already have.

Also I’d tell him it was a miscarriage. Sorry to be blunt. Good luck with it all.

He sounds awful, already telling you he’ll fight you for access to the baby when you haven’t even said you would deny access and emotionally abusing you.

Few things to consider

-would you be happy to leave your child in his care?
-would you be able to work together to parent this child amicably?
-would you be able to have this guy in your life for the next 18years?
-how would this baby fit in with the rest of the family? would it impact your other children?
-can you afford another baby?
-can you afford potential court fees should you need to go court
-how would you feel about terminating the pregnancy?
-which would have a bigger impact on your mental health? Keeping or terminating?

sorry you are having to make this decision, I think the hardest bit is it sounds like you would keep the pregnancy if it wasn’t with him….it’s also something to consider which means more to you x

Jaaxe,

Thanks for your reply. There's a lot to think about. I think the child would be absolutely spoiled in his care and I think he'd need to learn to adjust but he'd be fine. I'd be more worried that he'd try to use the child against me? Or use it to get back at me/what he wants.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with aborting the pregnancy. I really don't want to but the opposite side of having the controlling behaviour and stuff continue is something I can't handle either.