Should I get an abortion? Please help!

[S4976]

So I have 3 children already. Two of secondary school age and one primary. I have just found out I am pregnant again. This is with the father of my children but he is in another relationship and she is also expecting.

He is adamant he will leave all of us for good if I keep this baby however I feel like it’s all for his girlfriends benefit and so his affair doesn’t become public.

There are so many things for me to think about but I don’t think I could cope if he didn’t come back and hated me for keeping the baby.

i know people will say it’s my choice and strong mommas can do it alone but I feel like I’m having a dilemma and any advice would be appreciated 💕

@CantaloupeMelon I think I'd be somewhat disappointed well a lot lol but I was with my younger two and they are part of my everything now.
I've never been so torn!
In hindsight I'm in the best position I've ever been in to have children: full time job, drive, nice home, friends, some family - my first time I was 17 with nothing so makes me question if I can justify it now.
I'm going round in circles 😩

No just truthful. He’s with someone else. He’s not your partner.
And no. No one I know would stay with someone who treated them so badly. Don’t make excuses.
Up to you whether you continue the pregnancy or not. Either way you won’t have his support though will you?

@Wolfiefan yeah either way I won't have his support.

Honestly he sounds like an utter shit!
Do you have other RL support?

You say you're in a good place , you have a full time job etc. What about childcare?
I wouldn't do it, also you don't need us to tell you, it might not be a girl.

@Wolfiefan
I have family and friends around but everyone has full time jobs etc. childcare is solely my responsibility (between nurseries and after school clubs) my older children do stay out at aunties house regularly but mental support around me is high! X

It must be such a hard decision.

In your shoes I would worry for a child that grew up knowing they had a half sibling who is a little older, and that their Dad picked that sibling over them.

In your most honest moment OP, is there any chance you slept with him to try and keep him / bring him back? Given that he is in another relationship? And got pg for the same reason?

I would also worry about my older kids, adapting to life without their Dad and having a new baby in the household at the same time.

Teen tears are hard: emotionally, exam wise etc.

Personally I would not have another baby in your situation.

But I can’t tell you what to do.

@SuperCamp I hardly did it out of spite we've still been actively sleeping together for the last 18 months.
Thankyou for your message though

Yes that needs to stop OP. He’s with someone else now.

In your position, I would have an abortion. You have a good routine and 3 children to look after. Bringing one more baby into your family will change everything you have now.

Sorry if my q was impertinent or hostile, I promise you it wasn’t an accusation , or a question that I need an answer to. I just asked because when I am in a dilemma or pickle I try and look at every possible ‘how did this happen’ as added light in the way forwards.

I would be thinking if the ramifications for the baby though.

Good luck with your decision making and onwards.

@SuperCamp no offence was taken. I sometimes read things and then reflect on them without knowing how to reply. I don't have all the answers if I did I wouldn't be here I suppose.

Ramifications for the baby are always going to be a major factor but then I have to think of my mental health for my other children if aborting causes me to spiral.

My biggest fear right now is regretting either decision and I know both decisions have pros and cons.

I just know if I was supported by him I would be more inclined to keep it. Only because that way regardless of our relationship the children have their Dad. Although that's not my situation. So I keep questioning where does that leave me?

It doesn’t sound as if you want an abortion. However, there’s a 50% chance this child won’t be the daughter you crave.

Do what is right for you. Take the father out of the equation.

@S4976 - so sorry to hear of the tough situation you are in. There has been lots of good advice here (as always with Mumsnet), and I would reiterate what others have said - when making your decision, view your future as a single mother, because that's inevitably how its going to be. I'm absolutely not telling you what to do - that's entirely your choice - but the fact that you are asking whether it's best to keep the baby or not is a red flag in itself. Being a Mum is hard (and wonderful) as you already know, and if you are not 100% sure, then its probably not the right thing at this time in your life. I do realise that it is very easy for me to say, and much harder for you to live through whichever scenario you choose. Wishing you all the best for the happy future that you absolutely deserve. Whilst none of us can tell you hat to do about the baby, we are all united in what to do about the man - kick him out, and stop having sex with him today. He brings no love, value or support to your life. You can do this alone - to all intents and purposes you already are.

If he’s having a baby with someone else I think the chances of him staying with you for the long haul are very small. He’s just suggesting he might as a way to persuade you to terminate.

Forget him. As a single mother can you do a decent job parenting your kids and look after yourself with another baby on top? Your first duty is to the kids you have and yourself. You have to put ideas of what it might be like to have a daughter out of your head - imagine it’s another boy for now - and think long and hard about whether it would leave you way overstretched. If it wouldn’t, and you are up for another 20 years of parenting (even of 4 boys) then crack on.

keep it mind though its 50% likely to be a boy, any feelings you have about sex don’t have any bearing on reality.

I do think you should think about some counselling. It’s not usual to be so blind to someone that you keep having sex with your ex even after he’s moved on to someone else. I think your self esteem needs a good boost.

@Summerslam it's not that I don't want one because ideally I wouldn't have to do either but I got myself in this situation.
I think the abortion process itself scares me. I don't like the idea of the 'vacuum' effect or the alternative of actively watching myself 'lose' my child by choice. I mean even that I have to do alone. He's said he will watch the children for me to do so but that's where the support ends.
I will grieve alone and that scares me too!
I don't want my life to change however this is going to change things either way.

Thankyou for your message - I hope I do what's right for me in the end

@Sistanotcista it just be hormones but your message just made me cry! Not in a bad way, I just felt genuine kindness when I needed it most.
I do agree though, this man needs to be far out of my life. He's a narcissist at best.
Thankyou for taking your time to respond x

@Luredbyapomegranate there's no suggestion of us being together I know that isn't on the table. My worry is that he disappears on the children we already have. He did this for a period of 2 years before probably a little longer and I did amazingly on my own. It was when I finally kick started my career etc but it was heartbreaking experience.

Your right I probably do need to speak to someone about my feelings as I feel there's a lot of repressed trauma from the things we've been through.

What a mess

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and a counsellor can also help with that.

if you contact your GP or somewhere like Marie Stopes they should be able to arrange immediate counselling to help you also reach a decision re termination, and there you can also start exploring your broader feelings.

@safetyfreak

I hope you got something out of that, because the OP certainly didn’t.

@Luredbyapomegranate thankyou 💕 will definitely look into it

Why?

You are actively being the other woman ? (as far as I can tell)

Aren't you worth more than this?

If you were my friend, I would say to you having this child is a terrible idea. You won't have support from him. You might not have a girl and then how will you feel with another boy?

@Maybeebebe The 'why' isn't necessarily important. We all have reasons we do things.

Yeah, suppose I am the other woman - doesn't mean I don't have feelings or am any less of a person. Being the 'other woman' isn't easy especially when you have children together etc.

I just don't see a win for me. It seems everyone else in the situation will come out on top besides myself and maybe that's karma but it doesn't mean it's any easier.