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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

40 replies

Emmmilllyyy · 16/07/2022 11:53

Hi there, I'm just after some advice really.

I've just found out I'm pregnant, it's unexpected as I'm on contraception. When I find out I was shocked but actually had a feeling of joy wash over me.

I told my boyfriend yesterday, and he's been quite honest that he doesn't want it and he's not ready, and has begged me to get an abortion.

I know the timing isn't ideal, I've just started a new job, and he's just set up a new business, and we're both back at home living with our parents. But where not exactly young, I'm in my 30s and he's in his 20s so I feel we're more than capable of doing this.

Any advice you can offer would be much appreciated, thank you

OP posts:

LinuxPenguinPCnerd · 16/07/2022 11:54

If you want to keep the baby, do it. But if he really doesn't want the baby, you might end up doing this entirely alone. Be sure you're ok with that.

FirstTimeTryer93 · 16/07/2022 13:16

Please don't let him force you to get an abortion, but don't expect him to stick around either. Hope it works out for you hun xxx

BiscoffSundae · 16/07/2022 13:25

He’s entitled to his opinion and I can see why he feels that way but it’s your choice just be prepared to be a lone parent

girlmom21 · 16/07/2022 13:30

You need to decide whether it's something you can or are willing to do alone.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 16/07/2022 13:32

As you were on contraception, it’s understandable that your boyfriend is saying that he doesn’t want a baby. There’s no reason why his position should change just because your contraception failed, and if it’s still early days I would think carefully about what he’s said. Neither of you can even house yourselves yet, let alone a baby.

It wouldn’t be fair for you to expect support from him in future if you split up over this, he’s made his feelings clear to you early enough that if you choose to go ahead, you are choosing to do it alone.

Spohn · 16/07/2022 13:37

Plan on being a single parent. Did the boyfriend choose to not use any contraception himself?

How will you house yourself and your child?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/07/2022 13:51

rubbish. If you have this baby, claim maintenance.

SparklingPeach · 16/07/2022 13:55

It's entirely up to you OP. Don't have an abortion if you want the baby. But he may choose not to stick around if that's what you decide. And he absolutely should pay maintenance if you have the baby.

Mothersruin123 · 16/07/2022 14:11

You can take his opinion on board as part of the decision making process but it's your body and therefore your choice.

Having an abortion you're not sure you want has the potential to be quite traumatic. Your relationship is unlikely to survive as a result of the resentment.

If you want to have the baby then do it. Your partner may come around in time, he might not. You'll manage fine on your own if not, but he absolutely should pay maintenance.

Having sex always carries a risk of pregnancy and men should not be able to walk away and leave all the consequences to the women to deal with.

LemonSwan · 16/07/2022 14:18

This decision might not be a big deal if you have luck on your side but I wouldn’t take that for granted so would look at it from both worst case scenarios and decide on that basis.

ie.
how would you feel if you have the child, you break up and you are a single mum with all the struggle that entails.

vs.

how would you feel if you decide not to have the child, you break up and for whatever reason you can’t have another.

2bazookas · 16/07/2022 14:20

I'm in my 30s and he's in his 20s so I feel we're more than capable of doing this.

Why are you ignoring HIS feelings? He's told you, he doesn;t want a baby, he's not "ready".. which means, he doesn't see your relationship as permanent and is not committed to it lasting.

If you have the baby you'll be doing it on your own. But that means always considering the needs of another person; always listening to what they say. TBH, I don't think you're ready for that level of commitment either.

ByeByeMr · 16/07/2022 14:33

OP ignore some of these posters. How the hell do they know whether you are ready or not. Only you know that. Go with your heart and your gut.

When I find out I was shocked but actually had a feeling of joy wash over me

The above comment says a lot to me.

ByeByeMr · 16/07/2022 14:37

And yes you were on contraception so it wasn't planned, I understand you're boyfriend doesn't want a baby yet but sometimes in life things happen and ultimately if you have sex there is always a chance of pregnancy and he knows that. If you want the baby you should have it and he should respect that.

Thehonestybox · 16/07/2022 14:45

It's your choice entirely like others have said, and no contraception is 100% as we all know. If you really want to continue your pregnancy, definitely try having another conversation with him to talk it out and see if he still feels the same way in a few days.

Also I know some people here have said be prepared to do it on your own, but it's important to remember that they're only saying "be prepared in case", and not "you should EXPECT to do it alone". I know some dads who didn't want a baby with their now ex, and they ended up doing 50/50 parenting and are not "out the picture" at all. Not all guys are losers!

BiscoffSundae · 16/07/2022 14:52

ByeByeMr · 16/07/2022 14:37

Don’t bet on him hanging Around though it’s realistic to tell the op she should prepare to be a single mum no one can force him to parent

Jaaxe · 16/07/2022 17:42

Mothersruin123 · 16/07/2022 14:11

You can take his opinion on board as part of the decision making process but it's your body and therefore your choice.

Having an abortion you're not sure you want has the potential to be quite traumatic. Your relationship is unlikely to survive as a result of the resentment.

If you want to have the baby then do it. Your partner may come around in time, he might not. You'll manage fine on your own if not, but he absolutely should pay maintenance.

Having sex always carries a risk of pregnancy and men should not be able to walk away and leave all the consequences to the women to deal with.

Exactly what this poster has said. You shouldn’t have a termination just because that’s what your boyfriend wants, you would likely resent him for it as it sounds like you want the baby and split up anyway. Essentially what you need to work out is if you’d be happy and ok to do this alone. Having a supportive family helps too.

If you want this baby you can do it, I’ve been a single mum at 23 and it’s hard yes but very rewarding. My ex wanted me to have an abortion and I didnt, he came around towards the end of my pregnancy, was supportive during birth and we were together for my daughters first year. We then split up as he wasn’t mature enough for all the responsibilities that come with having a child and I did it alone for a few years with him having minimal contact with her (his choice). He’s matured a bit now and sees her more regularly. Not long after I split with him I met someone new who parents my daughter wonderfully along side me, we went on to have 2 more children. I have never once regretted my decision to keep my daughter.

hope you are ok, don’t rush into a decision, talk it through with people you trust and who aren’t going to sway your decision. And remember whatever decision YOU make is the right one, because it’s YOUR decision and nobody else’s to make xx

Whispers1988 · 16/07/2022 18:37

Don't listen to posters telling you you're not ready for a child or it's unfair on him. You're not forcing him into anything. Where's his responsibility when it comes to contraception? Don't get an abortion you don't want.

peaceofmindiseverything · 16/07/2022 19:36

Not an easy time for you eh! You shouldn't be pressured into doing anything your not comfortable with BUT obviously this situation is a long term thing and one that will have consequences either way but its your decision to make, what's in your heart ❤️

MNHQ

ImaniMumsnet · 16/07/2022 20:49

Hi OP,

Just to let you know we have changed this to pregnancy choices as we thought it might be a better fit.

Wishing you all the best
MNHQ xx

Willow8383 · 16/07/2022 21:00

I had an abortion and I was sure that’s what I wanted. Still it was hard emotionally. I never felt any joy when I found out I was pregnant, unlike you. It was the right decision at that time for me, but sometimes I wish I hadn’t done it. You can talk to a counsellor to discuss your opinions. If you want an abortion, by all means do it, but don’t do it because someone else wants you to.

Original poster

Emmmilllyyy · 17/07/2022 13:53

I appreciate all of your thoughts, we've spoken more, and I am listening to him, but at the same time I'm not going to be rushed in to a descion I will live to regret.

I'm close with my family, and my mum is practically my best friend so I know I'd have their support if I decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I think for now I just need some more time to let it all sink in, and think everything over.

OP posts:

LooseGoose22 · 22/07/2022 14:33

Contraception is not 100% reliable.

If he is too stupid to know that, that's not anyone else's problem but his

If he was extremely keen to avoid getting someone pregnant, he should have used condoms.

As a man he has the gigantic privilege of being able to walk away from a child he's co created, except for some piffling child maintenance. He dpes not have privilege of being able to dictate or manipulate a woman he inpregnated into a termination as well.

Hola12345 · 22/07/2022 22:02

My advice is most definitely to keep it. You will be absolutely fine.

Trin12 · 14/09/2022 17:48

Hi,

So I'm just looking for some advice really.

Iv just found out this morning I'm pregnant and don't know how to approach my boyfriend, when I told him I was late coming on my period he was not happy at all. I was told by a nurse my fertility wouldn't be good for at least 2 years because iv never been off contraception.. we have been together 2 years and are 30 so I didn't get my last injection(he knows this) thinking before I could have a child wed be 32+ I have been taking the pill but not regularly my fault I know this.. so when I told him about the missed period he told me he would never forgive me if I was pregnant and he would never forgive me if I had an abortion.. this was before I found out I am in fact pregnant

Belladonnamama · 14/09/2022 17:55

If you want the baby then keep it. It's your body. I wouldnt expect much from boyfriend though if you go ahead with the pregnancy. Do you have support amd resources in place to be a single parent?

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