Traumatic abortion yesterday

[Kirsty12341]

possible trigger for some people in this post

I was torn for 3 weeks on whether to keep the baby or not and felt like I was running out of time being over 8 weeks pregnant that I had to make a decision quickly so I took the first tablet on Tuesday I felt so much guilt and shame afterwards. I’m still not sure if it was regret or sadness.

I instantly started looking up whether a baby could survive the first pill and found a few cases where the baby did but the risk of it’s development was high so I called the clinic for more information and they told me it was too late and I had to proceed with the process. I was just numb with grief the whole day Wednesday because I knew I couldn’t go back on my decision even though I know I was still unsure what I really wanted.

I took the misoprostol yesterday morning as soon as I woke to stop myself from thinking about it too much, went back to bed and slept for 4 hours. I went to the toilet and everything passed so quickly and I told myself not to look so I flushed everything away before doing anything else and told myself you just need to get on with it now it’s over.

this part is detailed before you read and regret

when I went to change my pad I seen the baby’s head, everything else I assume was in the toilet but not it’s head. I quickly pulled my trousers so I couldn’t see the pad and had a total mental breakdown I sat on the toilet for what felt like hours sobbing at what I had done, I couldn’t move because I was scared I would see it again and didn’t know what to do so I just sat there until my husband came home. He tried to help me and wanted to take everything away but I wouldn’t let him because I didn’t want him to see what I had done to our baby and was scared he would hate me. I eventually let him fold up my pad and take it away while I closed my eyes. I have so much guilt it’s unbearable, if I hadn’t seen anything it would have been easier but I can’t get the image out of my head at all, it was perfectly formed, I seen it’s eyes, nose, mouth and ears it just looked like a baby and not what other people tell you that it’s just a blob at that stage because it most certainly is not!

it’s only been a day since it happened and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself and I will never forget what I seen. I killed my baby and it’s face will haunt me for the rest of my life and it’s what I deserve.

Something very similar happened to me when I had a termination at 13 weeks. I was in the hospital but went to the bathroom and saw the baby on the pad and like you I remember its tiny face and features. This happened last November and it was horrendous for a few weeks but I promise you it will pass and you will start to feel better. I would really urge you to seek counselling or get some similar support if you can. I’ll be thinking of you.

@Twosidestwoplayers im sorry you had to go through this as well 😔 I’m really struggling to cope, it’s all I think about every minute of the day. I’ve never experienced panic attacks/anxiety but I think I am now, I feel like my body burns up and chest feeling so tight when I think about what I’ve done. How did you cope afterwards because I don’t know how to and I have 3 children to look after (the reason I had the abortion, I thought I wouldn’t be able to financially or mentally care for all 4 but now I feel it wasn’t a good reason at all and I was probably just scared. Giving them all a little less was surely better than not giving one life at all ). I’ve been lucky that my MIL has took my kids for the weekend because since they’ve been away I’ve been such a mess and I don’t know how I’m going to keep a face on when they come home. I don’t want them to see me this way, I don’t want them to have to suffer over my regretful choices. How did you get through it?

Honestly, therapy, and accepting all the help and support I could get from others. You’ve gone through something extremely traumatic and you need to give yourself the time and space to deal with as much as possible. That means as much time off work (if you work) as you need, as much childcare as you can get. This sounds dramatic but what would happen if you were in a car accident or you fell into a coma tomorrow? That’s the support that needs to fall into place for you now.

Anything that you have felt throughout this process or that you go on to feel is completely valid and the only way through is to sit with all those feelings and process and grieve for something you weren’t expecting to lose.

It is truly shocking the things society and health professionals expect women to go through and recover from but we are strong and we are resilient and we are superhuman and we get through it. A little changed perhaps but still ourselves.

@Twosidestwoplayers no one knows about the abortion except my husband and I really don’t feel I can speak to any of my friends and family about it. This weekend is really a one of that my MIL has my kids, which I am so grateful for considering the circumstances but usually I very rarely get a night free from the kids. I’m hoping that they will take my mind of it for the most part and maybe that’s why I’ve been such a mess the last two days because Ive had too much thinking time. My only hope I think is counselling but I don’t think I’m ready to take that step just yet, I hope that soon I will be and I can accept what I’ve done to some extent to make it bearable. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and taking the time to give me advise, I truly appreciate your help xx

I understand and know it’s difficult to talk about. And people who haven’t been through it don’t really understand. Please just put yourself first for a little while, you need and deserve it. In time I really hope you see a bigger picture and come to peace with it all. 💖

Hey @Kirsty12341 just wanted to check in and say I hope you’re doing okay. 💛

Hi @Twosidestwoplayers , it’s still been tough each day my mind constantly wandering thinking of so many different things. The first few days after I was filled with just guilt and sadness, then I think my hormones were really overpowering and made me think I wanted to get pregnant again to fill the void inside me. I really thought for a few days that it would make things better. I was honestly so confused, then realised how much easier my life is with just 3 kids and how I would struggle with 4 ( back to the way I was feeling when making my decision). Thinking briefly in the back of my head I made the right choice but really what I’m struggling with most (except the image of my baby’s faces) is how I feel towards myself, I never thought I would have had it in me to have an abortion and I honestly hate myself for killing my baby. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore, I think what kind of person does this make me (not saying that’s how other should feel when they’ve had an abortion, I envy the ones who can accept their choice and get on with there lives). Another issue I’m having is speaking to my husband about it, he was very supportive the first few days and I know he still would be if I spoke to him, he is such a good person and would say anything to make me feel better but I can see the pain in his face and i know he’s hiding his true feelings. I feel so much guilt because he wanted to keep the baby. I’m scared to talk to him about it now because I don’t want to hurt him more and I’m scared he will come to hate me for getting rid of our baby, I mean I hate myself so why shouldn’t he?

Having my 3 children around me so much is keeping me busy and giving me reason to keep going but the abortion is never out my mind and I think it will be this way for a long time. I struggle to look at anything to do with babies, including baby photos of my own children, memories come up on my Facebook all the time I can’t get any joy from it I just think I could have had another one of you and I chose not to. I just hope it gets easier at some point.

thanks for checking in as I’ve not spoke to anyone about how I’m feeling and I didn’t want to keep coming on here incase people thought I was looking for sympathy after a decision I made. It helps to let it out, thanks x

She's not spreading misinformation! This is her real experience.

@Kirsty12341 sorry to hear you’re struggling. It’s natural to feel a wide range of things but just be aware that you’re probably in shock and all those feelings and thoughts aren’t necessarily true or trustworthy. You don’t need to make any decisions or take any actions until more time has passed and you feel more settled in your thoughts.

I understand how you feel about seeing baby related things and I was exactly the same but this has eased a lot now.

If you feel able to arrange some counselling or even speak to someone like the Samaritans I’m sure it would really help you. And maybe your husband too. xx

@Twosidestwoplayers I’m just trying to take one day at a time, each day brings new feeling and thoughts that I’m still trying to understand. I definitely won’t be making any harsh decisions like getting pregnant again, I quickly realised that that’s not what I really want and more of a coping mechanism at the time thinking it was a way to make it better. I can’t wait for all the hormones to leave so I can start thinking and feeling rational again.

I’ve contacted 5 different counsellors to book some sessions but they are all full or only available at times that wouldn’t suit me. I will keep trying though as I think I need someone to help me process my thoughts.

My husband is hiding his true feelings, I just know he is so I’m not sure what way to go about having a conversation with him about it. I don’t want to pressure him if he’s not ready and also I’m afraid of what he thinks of me now after the abortion. He hasn’t given me any reason to doubt he still loves me, it could just be my own insecurities now. We’ve not spoke about it since 2 days after the abortion and I sit every night once the kids are in bed trying to get the courage to speak with him but I’ve not managed it yet. Hopefully I will soon xx

I think there must be a big shortage of counsellors as I can’t find one either . There either full or very expensive. I’ve wrote quite a lot on mumsnet about my problems and everyone always says to go to counselling but it’s so hard trying to get any.
on the subject of posting a photo someone sent me a photo of a 6-8 week abortion and you can’t see anything . So I’m abit confused now your saying you can see all the features ? Maybe the photo they sent was earlier on. The clinics need to be clear and tell you what you might see if you have a medical abortion.

@ShamefullPast yes it seems counsellors are very busy at the moment, possibly due to an increase in peoples mental health after Covid? I’m not sure but hope I can find one sooner rather than later.

yes I unfortunately seen my babies face, I expected to make out that it was a baby to some extent had I seen anything during the abortion but I wasn’t ready for seeing an actual face. It had a normal shaped head, eyes, nose, mouth and ears. Not all fully formed but there to see. I think a lot of woman are fortunate enough for the pregnancy to pass in the toilet so they don’t see much except blood or clots which I imagine would be hard to make anything out, possibly the photo you seen was maybe just a clot or a sac? I have looked on Google since then on pregnancy development sites and found 2 photos which resemble what I seen, not graphic images just animated images from these sites but were the closest match. There are so many pictures of babies development at each week it’s almost impossible to know which is true to life.

I won’t post these pictures as it may be triggering to some people but if anyone wants to know what a baby looks like at 8 weeks you can give me a message if your finding yourself faced with a difficult decision. I just want to be clear that this is not to persuade anyone in any direction, just to give more information on development at this stage if your looking for it like I was but couldn’t find. Again, not graphic images just animated ones from pregnancy sites that I found to be the most accurate to my experience.