Traumatic abortion yesterday

[Kirsty12341]

possible trigger for some people in this post

I was torn for 3 weeks on whether to keep the baby or not and felt like I was running out of time being over 8 weeks pregnant that I had to make a decision quickly so I took the first tablet on Tuesday I felt so much guilt and shame afterwards. I’m still not sure if it was regret or sadness.

I instantly started looking up whether a baby could survive the first pill and found a few cases where the baby did but the risk of it’s development was high so I called the clinic for more information and they told me it was too late and I had to proceed with the process. I was just numb with grief the whole day Wednesday because I knew I couldn’t go back on my decision even though I know I was still unsure what I really wanted.

I took the misoprostol yesterday morning as soon as I woke to stop myself from thinking about it too much, went back to bed and slept for 4 hours. I went to the toilet and everything passed so quickly and I told myself not to look so I flushed everything away before doing anything else and told myself you just need to get on with it now it’s over.

this part is detailed before you read and regret

when I went to change my pad I seen the baby’s head, everything else I assume was in the toilet but not it’s head. I quickly pulled my trousers so I couldn’t see the pad and had a total mental breakdown I sat on the toilet for what felt like hours sobbing at what I had done, I couldn’t move because I was scared I would see it again and didn’t know what to do so I just sat there until my husband came home. He tried to help me and wanted to take everything away but I wouldn’t let him because I didn’t want him to see what I had done to our baby and was scared he would hate me. I eventually let him fold up my pad and take it away while I closed my eyes. I have so much guilt it’s unbearable, if I hadn’t seen anything it would have been easier but I can’t get the image out of my head at all, it was perfectly formed, I seen it’s eyes, nose, mouth and ears it just looked like a baby and not what other people tell you that it’s just a blob at that stage because it most certainly is not!

it’s only been a day since it happened and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself and I will never forget what I seen. I killed my baby and it’s face will haunt me for the rest of my life and it’s what I deserve.

so we’re you just over 8 weeks when you took the pills ? This sounds horrendous. Surely the clinics should warn people if this can happen ? I’m so sorry your going through this . I would ring the clinics counselling service and tell them what’s happened x

And no it’s not what you deserve life is just shit sometimes x

This must have been such a difficult experience for you, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Please lean on people for support, don't underestimate what you've been through. Seek support it you feel you need to lovely. Sending a massive hug your way, thinking of you X

@Threebutterflies the clinic in my opinion was terrible, I made the phone call to them initially and had to wait for a call back from a doctor. I assumed I would have to answer quite a few questions as I always thought they would want to make sure of my decision but the doctor asked what I wanted, when my last period was (I went for a private scan and at the time I was 7w1d), he told me how to take the medication and what my address was to send it out. That was it, end of phone call in the matter of 5mins or less.

I was 8w4d when I had the abortion. when I called the day after taking the first pill about changing my mind the doctor (a different doctor) said no sorry it’s too late to turn back, the fetus has already been terminated and you need to continue the process “this is why we tell all the girls like you to be completely sure before taking the first pill”. I didn’t have anything to say back to her but afterwards I thought about it and I hadn’t been given any information about anything other than how to take the medication, not even how the medicine worked or what each one did. I should have asked these questions myself I know that but at the time I was embarrassed of what I was doing and I thought the less detail the better.

I think if I had been offered to come to the clinic and speak to someone about my decision things might have been different and if anyone is reading this post considering abortion I would recommend insisting to be seen at the clinic where you can talk to someone face to face and get all the information you need before making a decision.

I’m so so sorry you’ve had to go through this .

The information isn’t readily available and although this is probably a rare occurrence I think they should have counselled you beforehand just in case so you knew it was a possibility.

Can you see your gp or arrange counselling through the service ? You are going to need to talk to someone professional to help you process this.

Please don’t blame yourself - try to think about why you chose the option you did - focus on the practical reasons and remember if you had not seen what you did you would not feel this bad. So it’s not that you made the wrong decision it’s that you very unfortunately saw something quite traumatic which you now need help to process xxxx

Yes - women are being done a huge disservice when the information is either withheld or well meaning people say ‘it’s just a bunch of cells/will be a heavy period’

We need to have open discussion around the realities of the stage of development

They don’t sound very compassionate. Unfortunately it was abit like this when I had mine . There just so busy and it was just like a conveyor belt . I had no idea you would see the babies head at 8 weeks . I thought it would be to early to see anything in detail. I’ve never got over my abortion so I would just say get all the help and support you can get x

I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering. I hope your husband is being supportive and that you are able to get counselling to help you.

💐

It’s not awful . What was done was a perfectly ok choice to make. It’s awful what OP has seen and not been prepared not the choice she made

@veganmenu you are so correct, people need to know exactly the stages of development before making a decision, if I had known what I would see, a baby so perfectly formed I know in my heart I wouldn’t have gone through with the abortion.

As horrible as this may sound and I know I couldn’t have done it anyway, but if I had’ve taken a picture of what it looked like at just 8 weeks for others to see I know a lot of people wouldn’t go through with the abortion. I have 3 children already which makes this whole experience even harder knowing what it could have been, but having been pregnant 3 times already, at the stage of 8 weeks with all of them I didn’t believe they even looked like babies at that point. There is so little true information on how developed a baby is at this stage.

So sad 😢

I think unfortunately that because pro lifers use images to try and get their views across that it has caused everyone else to back away from the truth.
It needs to be reclaimed. Women are entitled to the facts and to know the reality of the stages of development and what they may see but in a factual way so that they can make an informed decision.

That is so sad. I want to give you a big virtual hug. I was 8 weeks too and assumed it was just a kidney bean and that's what the nurse told me. I really think we should have been taught more about abortion in school. Please grieve and forgive yourself.

I think as a mostly pro choice society we want to distance ourselves from pro lifers and when they hold up their posters we want to be able to say ‘no you’re wrong! It’s just a bunch of cells’ because we know they are emotionally blackmailing women at their most vulnerable. But it’s not factually correct and how many women will go through what you have. It’s not fair on women.

i do hope you can access some counselling OP

It's not true that there isn't information available, there's loads of information about foetal development online, you just have to look; just googling 8 week foetus will get you the size of 13mm/a raspberry and loads of images.

I'm sorry you've had this experience and been so upset by it but don't use it to spread misinformation. Lots of women go through abortion for lots of good reasons and don't regret it/aren't traumatised by it, you have no idea what effect your photo would have on them.

I'm so sorry. You were poorly advised by the clinic.

Please try and separate the guilt you are feeling from the grief.

1.The decision to end the pregnancy may or may not have been the right decision for you - but YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. It's ok to let go of the guilt.

2.You are entitled to your grief. Choosing to abort does not mean you are not allowed to grieve the loss of what could have been. You are allowed to mourn and process this in any way that feels healthy to you.

I will be thinking of you today

The abortion providers should be counselling women and explaining to them though. It’s either not talked about or glossed over as ‘a heavy period’ or ‘pregnancy tissue’ which is vastly at odds with what OP for example has described. This will be a massive shock for some women.

yes it’s easy to Google but a lot won’t and this is why the provider needs to explain the procedure in relation to the stage of development so that every woman is making a fully informed decision

I’ve viewed hundred of photos of miscarriage and aborted babies online. Unfortunately the problem is they seem to vary a lot and it’s not clear what is correct. Some photos there clearly formed and some it’s just a blob . Also you have to be careful as pro lifers use very realistic models of foetus that always look older than they are . There image of an 8 week old is different to reality.
I still think though the clinic should warn women this may happen and they may see something they don’t want to .

Again though this is the problem of pro lifers . The massive disservice they do to women using the images they do. Of course no abortion provider wants to say ‘Ignore them and their pictures they are wrong - now let me describe to you what you might see (which is the same as what the pro lifers are showing)’ nobody wants to validate these people but pro lifers are using accurate images wrongly and it needs to be reclaimed and to be presented as facts for women to make informed decisions. Not for pro lifers shock tactics and it’s only shock tactics because women are wrongly told ‘just a bunch of cells’

@hamsterchump im honestly so sorry if what I have said offended you, that was not my intention.

I did not mean that people should be regretful of their abortion. I am pro choice and I still am even though I’m feeling this way. It’s a choice everyone should have but I just wanted to share that I didn’t get given much information from the professionals and I spent a whole 3 weeks searching what a fetus would look like at 5,6,7,8,9 weeks so I could prepare myself if I saw anything. I searched real life miscarriages for examples and read through hundreds of threads to gather information from other peoples experiences so I could prepare myself. I also searched foetal development on many different sites which did go into detail of the size, limb progress, what’s going on inside the baby and what would grow by the following week but no real life images only characterised images of what a baby would look like which honestly were unrealistic to what I seen.

I didn’t take a picture, I only meant that if I had it would be good for people who spend a lot of time searching for what a real baby at 8 weeks would look like. I didn’t mean for it to get posted on any kind of social network, just if someone was looking for this kind of information then it would be there, I feel that the abortion clinics should have this kind of information IF the patient wanted to see it as a way of helping them make their decision.

i know how triggering that picture would be to people which have had abortions as I could not look at those types of photos now and I wouldnt wish that on others by any means.

I feel I probably wrote that post wrongly in the heat of the moment as my head is all over the place right now but it was not my intention to give out mis information, I hope I’ve helped explain better what I was meaning.

@Kirsty12341 are you okay hun? Now may seem the hardest but each day will get easier x

I can completely understand your feeling of guilt as I had the same feeling after taking my first pill at just over 8 weeks. I was quite well informed through my process and the clinic I went to offered a counselling service for afterwards so I wonder if it might be worth reaching out and seeing if it’s something yours provides. Completely get that the experience you had might put you off that though. Sending lots of love your way as I know those first few days are so raw when you aren’t 100% sure of the decision you made, I can completely relate xx

I find the clinics definitely misinform their patients about what is and isn't visible. I had a very traumatising medical at 17 weeks, nurses said the "passed pregnancy" wouldn't be visible. He was fully formed with his hair and eyebrows, even had formed little nails. He fit into preemie clothes. Even my 9 week one I was shocked at how formed they were then. I suppose every pregnancy is different, but just seems unrealistic when the clinic say you won't see anything if you're over 8 weeks