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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I want to become a mum

71 replies

200546529 · 15/05/2022 09:28

I have never thought about having children and a family yet because I just didn't think I would find someone that makes me feel that way, and I have a 14.1 BMI so I have struggled with fertility anyway. I haven't had periods for over a year so I didn't think it was something that I would be able to have anytime soon while my body is quite unhealthy.

But I went to the hospital for unrelated reasons and found out I'm 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my ex partners baby. No symptoms at all, if I hadn't have gone I wouldn't have known until it was too late to do anything about it. I don't want to be linked to him forever because he is horrible, but it breaks my heart to abort a baby with a heartbeat. It is already a little human 😢

My question is.. Due to the circumstances do you think its wrong for me to go ahead with a termination? There is always the future to have another one. Just feels horribly selfish to the baby that's already in my tummy. Please help :(

Additional info, I'm 20 years old with a great family support network. I think I could do it, I just don't think I should. I don't want a lifetime of hell from a man who emotionally abused me from start to finish. He already has another young child he has nothing to do with. I don't want to be a single mum.

OP posts:

notthisTimeMr · 15/05/2022 11:08

Whenthegoatcomesin · 15/05/2022 11:05

The sonographer triggered her because she made her feel like crap about the heartbeat.

OP has said she really really doesn’t want to have the baby. It’s all she needs to say.

There might be regret. But there may have been far greater regret otherwise. No one ever said the right decision is easy.

For the record, there’s no central nervous system. The heartbeat is merely tokenistic as the heart isn’t formed but there’s a cluster of cells that that will later form the pacemaker. The organs aren’t formed. Unless you want to take a spiritual or religious stance, there’s nothing there to register any kind of life nor loss.

There will be a whole lot less regret now if OP does have a termination and opts for surgical or medical and doesnt look because I armed her with the facts. Seems everyone else would have had her believe it’s just cells invisible to the naked eye and it would be like a heavy period and then if she looked she would possibly be traumatised . At least OP can pick the correct termination option for herself now she has the correct information

notthisTimeMr · 15/05/2022 11:10

200546529 · 15/05/2022 11:08

Thank you everyone for kind words and advice. I know I am young, but I'm very mature, have my own tenancy and have been through my fair share of trauma already, including abuse from my mother, Foster care, and moving to another country alone and being almost fatally stabbed in an attempted murder by my own first cousin. To me life is so precious that's why I'm struggling so much emotionally with this. The father was arrested over a month or so ago for harassment and abuse and has previous arrests of this nature as well with other women (I was unaware). I got sucked in, I'm not normally so stupid, but he was clever and knew what he was doing. Most of the weight I lost was through the stress of being with him. Now I really do want to terminate this pregnancy because I don't want a further lifetime of trauma. I've been through enough, I don't want to deal with anymore hardship. However I thought about it being a fresh start. But really it wouldn't be if it was his. Going by everyones advice and comments I think I am sure on terminating despite what it looks like when it comes out. Like you've all said, I don't have to look. I just need to get this over with and not make the same mistake again :( I feel like such an idiot. Thank you so much for all your support. I wanted to start college this year, I even signed up for the open day. I recently started counselling and dietician help after splitting with him. I don't want to go backwards

Yes you’re right just don’t look - I just didn’t want you see something that would really upset or shock you x

Fleur405 · 15/05/2022 11:11

I don’t think the sonographer should have said that to you. There is no right or wrong just whatever is best for you OP.

Clymene · 15/05/2022 11:11

You are not an idiot. Evil manipulative men are very good at what they do unfortunately. It doesn't reflect badly on you at all. You are an amazing strong young woman who is making positive choices and showing a great ability for self care.

I hope your course goes brilliantly.

Ps if you have the energy to do it, I would complain to PALS about the sonographer. She really shouldn't have said that.

Caaarrrl · 15/05/2022 11:11

I think it sounds like you have made you mind up, OP. The sooner tbe better then if that is your decision. There is no reason to feel guilty. Just get your contraception sorted so you are not in this position again. Good luck.

Electrox · 15/05/2022 11:12

But she said "are you sure? The baby has a heartbeat" which made me feel bad/guilty

The sonographer was clearly biased, possibly for religious reasons. She was unprofessional to be anything but neutral.

Rno3gfr · 15/05/2022 11:18

@200546529 i think you’ve made the right decision. It’s always best to deal with your own trauma and past first before bringing a baby into the situation. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re preventing future trauma to yourself and stopping it being passed on to another generation at this time. I think you’ve been incredibly mature and strong in this situation and I wish you the best of luck in the future. Go to college, gain weight and use therapy to help you. You’ll feel much better and be in a much better position to have children when you’re older x

Iusyje · 15/05/2022 11:28

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a difficult situation. As others have said, it's entirely your choice and ultimately you're the only one who's going to have to decide. I agree that the fact is what's in your tummy now IS a baby human. Best thing is to honestly look at the facts of an abortion and bearing a child then make your decision. If you wouldn't want to deal with the baby's father, and you have a supportive family network, it sounds like the baby will be loved and you'll be supported. If the reason for an abortion was because you were at risk of death, that would be more clear cut in abortion's favour. Even if 20 is really young to have a child, the plus side is when you're 40, the child will be 20 or 21 and you'll still have plenty of life left. I worked in an abortion clinic and saw some women sob uncontrollably after the procedure wishing they hadn't gone through with it. And this was after having consulted with professionals several times before the procedure. On the other hand, other women didn't seem affected, and infact, a few were regulars. Everyine is affected differently. A friend of mine had an abortion at 20 because she couldn't bear to bring shame on her family. She's late 40s now and still regrets. Has suffered from depression but then again, so have I and I've never had an abortion. So really, life is life. Make a decision and arm yourself with good reminders of why that decision is good for YOU and then live your best life.

ChocolateHippo · 15/05/2022 11:28

OP, if you wanted to keep it, I'm sure you could make things work, with your family's support. But there are so many reasons in your case why a termination makes sense (and in any case a woman should NEVER feel guilty for wanting a termination - the only reason for having a baby is because you want a child).

In particular, please consider your physical and mental health. Pregnancy and giving birth are both very hard on a woman's body. They put it under significant additional strain and, in your situation and state of health, that would worry me a lot. You would be 100% justified in prioritising your own health and indeed that is what I would do in your situation. Add to that all the issues you've faced and overcome to date and the strains on your mental health which having to care for a baby and being tied to an abusive man for at least the next 18 years, and it adds up to a very difficult situation for you.

Squiff70 · 15/05/2022 11:32

OP, you have shown yourself to be mature and sensible. You are taking your health and your future seriously and considering all options and I absolutely praise you for that - it's hard! When I said you're young, I didn't mean to imply I think you're still a child or being immature. I never thought that. You're young in the sense that you have many years ahead of you to choose when to have a family, with the right person when you meet them at a time which is right for you.

If you've decided a termination is right for you, you have my full support and respect (and would have done if you'd decided otherwise). If you do the college course you'd like to do, it will open up new doors to you and contribute to a happier, more stable future for you. You are doing BRILLIANTLY under very difficult circumstances.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much trauma in your life and pray you have a much happier and healthier future.

Take care. Everything will be okay.

Whichpart · 15/05/2022 11:37

I was in your situation at 16 years old, ass hole controlling boy and I had an abortion.

Now I have my own babies with a perfect human being I thank my lucky stars every day that I waited.

SylvanianFrenemies · 15/05/2022 11:43

Go ahead with the pregnancy if it is the right choice for you.
End the pregnancy if it is the right choice for you.
It is not a baby. It is a potential future baby. It doesn't have any consciousness, awareness or emotions. So make the decision for you alone.
If you go ahead, avoid involving your horrible ex. Well done for getting out.

Iusyje · 15/05/2022 11:50

Clymene · 15/05/2022 10:46

Or you know, you could just not look. This is not a thread about your miscarriages @notthisTimeMr, this is a thread about a young woman who has come out of an abusive relationship and is dangerously underweight.

And you are NOT HELPING. Please step away from the thread.

Speaking as a woman who has had an abortion and a much later miscarriage than you.

Lying to be kind doesn't help. And I don't think we're in a competition of who's had it worse. I think it's rude to tell someone to "step away" when they are merely voicing an opinion. You can graciously agree to disagree.

HarmALlama · 15/05/2022 11:53

Having read all your posts, if you were my daughter, I'd be hoping you'd terminate.

You really need to focus on healing and caring for yourself, after everything you've been through.

Speedweed · 15/05/2022 12:15

OP, I had a termination at 11 weeks when I was 19 in similar circumstances. It was a difficult decision to make in that my hormones and bodily instincts were to keep the baby, but I knew that logically the father was awful (he at that time already had one child he couldn't be bothered with) and I was too young to have coped and given that baby a really good life.

Nearly 30 years on, and with a family of my own which was carefully planned, I have no regrets about that choice. Even when I was told I needed IVF which might not work, I still had no regrets over aborting that baby.

Neither I nor the baby would have had a good life. The father now has at least 3 children, doesn't see or support them and has been in and out of prison. This is the man I would have yoked myself and my child to? Every child deserves to have the best life you can give them.

Your post sounds really clear in that you know the right thing to do for your situation. Don't be dissuaded by talk of the foetus being a little baby or of having heartbeats - where will that stupid sonographer or some of the posters here be when you're unable to cope with a baby or frustrated at not fulfilling your potential? You have to put yourself first, as that represents the best choice for the bundle of cells inside you.

You won't regret your decision (there is research you can look up which demonstrates most women don't regret terminations) - your life will unfold and you'll understand even more deeply it was the right choice. Good luck

DangerouslyBored · 15/05/2022 14:36

HarmALlama · 15/05/2022 11:53

Having read all your posts, if you were my daughter, I'd be hoping you'd terminate.

You really need to focus on healing and caring for yourself, after everything you've been through.

I agree with all of this

Josette77 · 15/05/2022 19:08

I really adore your bravery and maturity. I wish you well. I had a termination when I was young and dying from anorexia. No one wanted me to have the baby. I have zero regrets. It was hard at the time but I barely think about it now..

Original poster

200546529 · 17/05/2022 10:16

I've booked my termination. I'm super scared but it is what it is. And I'm happy with my decision. Thank you everyone xxx

OP posts:

HarmALlama · 17/05/2022 11:14

200546529 · 17/05/2022 10:16

I've booked my termination. I'm super scared but it is what it is. And I'm happy with my decision. Thank you everyone xxx

Good luck xxx

heldinadream · 17/05/2022 11:21

And I'm happy with my decision.
This is what matters. Best of luck OP, hope it all goes smoothly.

Fuzzyhippo · 20/05/2022 21:08

I've had 2 terminations at 7 weeks and it went very smoothly both times. The first I did see the sac, but it was very very tiny and there's no way you could see the embryo. The second I didn't see anything at all (I tried looking for it the entire time I was bleeding for closure). Hope it all goes well

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