I want to become a mum

[200546529]

I have never thought about having children and a family yet because I just didn't think I would find someone that makes me feel that way, and I have a 14.1 BMI so I have struggled with fertility anyway. I haven't had periods for over a year so I didn't think it was something that I would be able to have anytime soon while my body is quite unhealthy.

But I went to the hospital for unrelated reasons and found out I'm 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my ex partners baby. No symptoms at all, if I hadn't have gone I wouldn't have known until it was too late to do anything about it. I don't want to be linked to him forever because he is horrible, but it breaks my heart to abort a baby with a heartbeat. It is already a little human 😢

My question is.. Due to the circumstances do you think its wrong for me to go ahead with a termination? There is always the future to have another one. Just feels horribly selfish to the baby that's already in my tummy. Please help :(

Additional info, I'm 20 years old with a great family support network. I think I could do it, I just don't think I should. I don't want a lifetime of hell from a man who emotionally abused me from start to finish. He already has another young child he has nothing to do with. I don't want to be a single mum.

I’m sorry but this is unfair to the OP to not arm her with all the facts - I have had losses at 7,8,9 w and a termination a bit later even the 7 and 8 week losses were recognisable as an embryo.
i think OP needs and deserves the facts so it isn’t a big shock to her if she chooses a medical termination

I do agree absolutely with you though that at this early stage there will be no pain experience for the embryo so OP can feel reassured in that sense but it is vitally important to know the facts so she doesn’t have a shock at the time

Yes - this seems like a better option for someone who is possibly fragile and I think it would be under for the OP as from the opening post I think there’s a lot of emotion placed around what the sonography we had said. Better to not see anything if it’s going to cause trauma

Better not under sorry my phones changing what I type !!!!

I think YOU are the one being unfair to the OP telling her the embryo may look like X. It is just confusing and upsetting her further. Please let's not get hung up on this and go back to being to supportive to this young lady who is understandably distressed and trying to make a decision.

No I’m not being unfair. It is important to be in possession of all the facts when making a decision and it would be a disservice to OP and could be potentially damaging to lead her into a situation where she could see something she is unprepared for.

much kinder to let OP know of the option of a surgical procedure where she wouldn’t have to experience that as from the first post she seems very fragile

@200546529

If I have upset you that was not my intention I was just concerned you may go into a decision not fully aware of the facts and have a shock.

There are various options but if you choose to terminate and don’t want to see anything then surgical is probably the best option.

good luck with your decision x

It does not look like a foetus. That is a lie.

OP - you are very young and in poor health. A medical termination is quick and easy and will allow you to get to the root cause of your health issues.

You didn't want this baby before you found out you were pregnant and thankfully you've found out early enough to do something about it very easily. You can order the pills over the phone now.

I’ve had losses and a termination- from 7 weeks there was a recognisable embryo

I am not lying

OP can Google stages of embryo development and size or you can - it’s a biological fact and yes when you pass a pregnancy around this stage you might see something unless you deliberately don’t look which is why I’m warning OP so she doesn’t have a shock and get upset

There needs to be honesty around this - unless you have a medical termination prior to 6 weeks it will not just be a very heavy period . Women deserve the truth to be prepared and not cause further trauma .

knowledge and facts enable women to make the choice that is right for them be it medical or surgical

If your ex has been abusive to you already, think about how that would look for the next 18 years. I don't say this to sway your decision, I say this to make you think of how your life would potentially look.

As PP have said, you have decades to have a baby, you don't have to continue with this pregnancy if you don't wish.
And as an aside, there's no way the sonographer can tell that the pregnancy is healthy, that's (part of) the reason for the anomoly scan around 20 weeks. A heartbeat doesn't even indicate that the pregnancy will continue.

Good luck OP

Or you know, you could just not look. This is not a thread about your miscarriages @notthisTimeMr, this is a thread about a young woman who has come out of an abusive relationship and is dangerously underweight.

And you are NOT HELPING. Please step away from the thread.

Speaking as a woman who has had an abortion and a much later miscarriage than you.

I'm an advocate of arming people with facts to help them make a decision IF they ask for it, however why are you taking it upon yourself to prepare the OP for whatever graphic detail she may (or may not) see? With respect, it's not your personal responsibility to arm her with this information. IF she chooses a termination then it's surely upto the clinicians to advise her on what COULD happen. What if the OP didn't want to know? What if her mind was close to being made up and you've hugely influenced her decision on the contrary by giving unsolicited advice?

This is entirely incorrect. It’s an embryo until the end of the 10th week. Then it becomes a foetus ‘

And what about the affect on the OP and the child of being tied to an abusive man for the next 18 years?

If you read my reply you can also see I’ve had a termination

you can’t police where I post. My facts aren’t attacks on anyone

I don’t want OP traumatised and she was using emotive language from her first post about the pregnancy so she needed the facts so she doesn’t become more distressed at the time if she chooses medical termination

@notthisTimeMr you've done enough droning on about what an embryo looks like, just in case OP doesn’t know what google is, or would need to care about what something looks like. Ffs.

Having an abuser for a father is a fucking burden that has destroyed my physical and mental health, it’s cruel to inflict an abuser on a kid, and you’re not much past being a kid yourself OP.

Absolutely 100%

which is why I mentioned the benefits in this case of a surgical procedure

Or just not looking.

But OP DOES care - re read her initial post where it’s clear a sonographer has made a comment that has triggered an emotive response and OP is taking about heartbeats and a baby an subsequently morals - if we lie to her and say it’s nothing, just cells, it’ll just be like a period and she then goes ahead - opts for medical management and sees something more than that can you imagine the trauma ?

we owe OP the facts and to advise based on how she presents

Which again was something I suggested

Just keep rereading your last few lines @200546529
I don't want a lifetime of hell from a man who emotionally abused me from start to finish. He already has another young child he has nothing to do with. I don't want to be a single mum.

There is your answer. You can call Marie Stopes www.msichoices.org.uk/ 0345 300 8090 for free confidential advice and to chat through your options. They are really helpful and kind.

I suspect they'll be a lot more helpful than this thread which has turned into a bit of a car crash.

Good luck.

Sorry I used the wrong terminology I have amended that in subsequent posts.

it still doesn’t change the facts on size relative to gestation or what OP may see

The sonographer triggered her because she made her feel like crap about the heartbeat.

OP has said she really really doesn’t want to have the baby. It’s all she needs to say.

There might be regret. But there may have been far greater regret otherwise. No one ever said the right decision is easy.

For the record, there’s no central nervous system. The heartbeat is merely tokenistic as the heart isn’t formed but there’s a cluster of cells that that will later form the pacemaker. The organs aren’t formed. Unless you want to take a spiritual or religious stance, there’s nothing there to register any kind of life nor loss.

I think you need to do what's best for you. Your body, your mental health and your life

Youre young. Get yourself healthy and away from an abusive ex before you become a parent

Thank you everyone for kind words and advice. I know I am young, but I'm very mature, have my own tenancy and have been through my fair share of trauma already, including abuse from my mother, Foster care, and moving to another country alone and being almost fatally stabbed in an attempted murder by my own first cousin. To me life is so precious that's why I'm struggling so much emotionally with this. The father was arrested over a month or so ago for harassment and abuse and has previous arrests of this nature as well with other women (I was unaware). I got sucked in, I'm not normally so stupid, but he was clever and knew what he was doing. Most of the weight I lost was through the stress of being with him. Now I really do want to terminate this pregnancy because I don't want a further lifetime of trauma. I've been through enough, I don't want to deal with anymore hardship. However I thought about it being a fresh start. But really it wouldn't be if it was his. Going by everyones advice and comments I think I am sure on terminating despite what it looks like when it comes out. Like you've all said, I don't have to look. I just need to get this over with and not make the same mistake again :( I feel like such an idiot. Thank you so much for all your support. I wanted to start college this year, I even signed up for the open day. I recently started counselling and dietician help after splitting with him. I don't want to go backwards