I’m aware this is long but PLEASE ❤️
We have been together just over a year, when we first got together last April it was very intense and fast moving, but all was good and we spent so much time together and did lovely things, but by June he had smashed my phone due to him not liking how often I was in contact with my friends ( I think as I’m 21 and he’s 38, there’s a difference with how we’ve been raised, including phones and all! ), and this incident in June did scare me as I’ve never experienced violence at a partners hand, but he pinned me against the bed n shouted into my ear n wouldn’t let me leave his room at all . I did stupidly forgive him, I think at the time I was so amazed as to how lovely he treated me ( other than this incident ) and how caring he was, how considerate cs he really can be such a lovely person ! Fast forward to august and we went away with my friend, she wanted to see a specific show and I REALLY didn’t want to 😂 but she said my partner could come and we’d make a weekend of it, she really wanted to go so we did! He drove us down n we had fun, the first night was a laugh and we did really have fun .. the second night, my friend was a bit too drunk at the show and was going round telling people at the show when we were having a fag break, how my partners an “old autistic twat” and said some rlly hurtful things about him and I told her to leave it and that I understand after the incident in June but now n here isn’t the place for this and she left it in some ways, she wasn’t allowed back into the show as she was so drunk so she ended up leaving with some guy which was fair enough! Me and my partner stayed out for a bit, and then went back to the hotel (11/12am ish), we ended up arguing about my past traumas ( grooming and abortions in particular ) and he got really agitated, and started to attack me and strangle me, said how I’m a horrible disgusting slag, how hell kill me n how I “wanted to fuck the bouncer” who worked on our hotel door, he sat on top of me, squeezed my ribs n strangled me, spat on me, held me in a headlock! When I did get away from him I grabbed my phone and called 999 and as I was saying the name of the hotel and that my boyfriend was trying to kill me , he grabbed my phone and smashed it into pieces 😥said he’s never going jail again and what not, smashed the room up and glass everywhere then he strangled me again until I passed out essentially and when I came around, he was just sat on the chair near the table in our room as if nothing had happened .. I literally ran as soon as I could, I had no hotel key so I couldn’t access the lifts and had to run through a flight of fire exit stairs and went to reception and called 999 again but someone was on the way here already, so they called my friend and I waited with staff! My partner came Down with his bags and said how I’m delusional n it was all me and I wanna sleep with the “black bouncer”, I was really distraught and on the phone to my grandad as he’s like my father and I really was so convinced I was going to die in that hotel room . When police came n took pictures, they seems confident it would go well with police / court possibly as there was CCTV and the 999 call, they took pictures of the marks on me, the state of the room / blood and glass, how i had bitten my tongue when he strangled me and what not, yet the next day when I was on the train home with my friend, police call to say that he was given NO FURTHER ACTION, which absolutely appalled me! But it happens regularly from what I understand, I just never thought it was that difficult when there was such proof ( AND he has previous for it, I didn’t know at the time ) . I stupidly did stay with him, I was very distant and cold and I eventually left him by october! We were back together by Christmas and then broken up again by a week or two into January , and then together again by end of January so was very much on and off between before Christmas and January, but when we got back together end of January I thought it was different! His attitude towards my phone usage, my friends, me going out n what not, but it quickly turned sour and he was so up and down, cold and hot towards , and usually he is the most loving, soft, caring and consistent person ( apart from the violent incidents and his paranoia, which is why I think I’ve struggled so much to accept ) .. he went away to do some music work beginning of feb and wasn’t talking much to me, and when he was it wasn’t making much sense and I got paranoid that he was cheating n what not .. when he came back, he came to my house late one night end of feb, and said he didn’t wanna continue working it out between us n was done, but he’d stay the night! I insisted that’s not fair on me or my daughter, and I’d rather him just go, I was rather upset as for 3 weeks he was adamant on us working it out and then went away and became cold so I really did want him to go but he wasn’t having any of ir ! I was laying in bed and he was sat on the side and he tried to grab my phone and said how he paid for it ( only because he’s broken 2 of my previous ones ) and that he’s taking that so I grabbed it and chucked it, didn’t cause any damage as I did just throw it to get it away from him and he went on to call me crazy n awful to turn on him when my daughters next door and when I was sat on the bed he was stood up and grabbed his shoe, slapped me across the face with it really hard , then backhanded me until I flew to the floor and he then sat on top of me, squeezed my ribs and covered my mouth and nose, spat on me, said how “possessed and evil” I am, he held me in a headlock and asked if I remember this, spat on me, strangled me again! Said how he’d go get my mum ( she lives close by as well as my bother ) and tell her how Unstable and how I can’t be here alone with my daughter, I was only in such a state cs he’d attacked me!
But so much happened in my own home that night and it was rlly awful, I did finally get him to leave my house after running downstairs n standing in my front door threatening to scream the street down!!! As I had no choice but to say that , I don’t stand a chance against him as there’s quite a size difference, let alone strength! I was in a state of shock, and I couldn’t believe he’d do this and I saw him once after this incident, we spent the night together 😥I’m not sure why, I feel rlly stupid for doing so! But he is my first proper boyfriend, the guy I was with before I’d been with for 2 years, 14 months in jail and he’s not still in prison so you can only imagine the type of relationship we had, it was barely a relationship, it was drug fuelled fun! So when I met my partner I was so amazed that someone was so considerate and loving towards me, I know I should’ve stayed gone when I did leave him :( I found out I’m pregnant in March and he went away in March, back to England where he’s from ( were in n Wales ) and I didn’t see him or hear from him really, once a week maybe? He’d email , his phone was off at all times, and he ended up going to a monastery for 3 weeks and with his family for 5 so he claims .. after 8 weeks of him being gone, barely any contact whilst knowing I’m pregnant, I started the abortion treatment tablets but I only took the first tablet, I couldn’t go through with it as I’ve had it before and it was awful! So I’ve booked in for a surgical abortion at the end of may now, but I’ll be 16 weeks by then💔😣 I do understand and sympathise with him, as he’s had a very chaotic life, awful upbringing and genuinely has been very challenging for him growing up, I understand he’s not well mentally and has a lot of issues, mental health related, his faith is an issue I believe as it consumes him! He talks about demons and angels, how life’s demonic and a load of stuff that sometimes doesn’t make sense to me! I’m a very spiritual person, and I believe in a lot of things and I’m very open to things, but I believe he’s just too unwell, and I’m really sad by it , as he’s so so lovely most of the time and what we had was so pure and lovely, as a couple and with my daughter ! I think is he a narcissist? Or is he mentally unstable? Is this an act with his faith an religion? I don’t know what to trust . He’s now been back locally for 2 weeks? We’ve been in contact, he doesn’t see how I could agree with an abortion which I think reflects how unwell he is? He’s unpredictable, unstable, he isn’t secure and I guess it is because he’s not well? And he doesn’t even work but claims that love is enough! I had booked a private scan for last week, just to see the baby n know it was okay after taking the first abortion tablet, and all was okay, I was going with my friend but as he was back I thought he had as much of a right as I do, and he has one daughter in her late teens, and he missed her scans, birth all of it! So I thought it would be something he’d always have, seeing the baby n he’d get a picture just like I did and the scan went okay, he was very upset but he was okay, baby was fine and healthy which broke my heart a little bit 😥but it’s a baby I wanted so much, a baby that is so loved but the circumstances feel so wrong to me .. I’ve recently made a Claire’s law application and I was given the disclosure and there were a few incidents towards women, stalking, multiple assaults, ABH ( prison for it ), harassment ! There were a few, and then I think of all 3 incidents I experienced, I only reported 1? I feel very conflicted, I’m a good mother and I have all the right support, I have a job and I’m very close to passing my driving test, I have my little house and I just feel gutted to have to do this, again? I’ve had an abortion at 16 and at 19, I know I’m stupid and at fault with contraception but pls, I don’t want a lecture, I really just need someone to talk to .. some advice, I feel disgusted to have an abortion at 16 weeks? The baby can hear me, knows my voice 😥I’m so sorry for all of this; thank you very much to whoever reads this all and responds! ❤️