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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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My husband doesn’t want a baby and I’m pregnant

108 replies

Mazz1986 · 19/03/2022 10:22

I have one son, always wanted another
But after the years going by and my husband saying , we can’t afford it, we’re in the middle of moving or renovating , let’s pay our mortgage off first etc.
there was always a reason not too.
I stopped talking about it completely and tried to move on,
All my friends starting their family’s, it was a little sad but I was still so happy for them and still never mentioned it.
One morning I needed the morning after pill, I needed to drive to get it so called him to let him know, I asked should I get it, he said it’s up to me.
I took it and then was pegging washing out and had a text that my friend who had been trying for ages had another miscarriage, I was a little upset for her and was trying to send messages of support.
My husband came over to me and asked if I was ok, I said yes.
Then he said that he had been thinking about things and that we are in the perfect place to have another baby, and he would like to start trying ,
It was out of the blue..
so no more protection, folic acid , ovulation tests the whole Sha bang
I asked him a couple of months ago if he still felt the same because I thought he was avoiding sex because I was ovulating. But he said definitely not that he loves me and he was just tired.
My friend told me at Christmas that she was finally pregnant and 4 months along , I told her and the rest of my friends we were trying .
I found out I was pregnant, I told my two closes friends, I’d planned to tell my husband when he came home from work, so I went out and brought a little baby vest, and put it on the bed with the two test on it.
I showed my husband and he looked angry,
I asked him if he was happy and he said it is what it is!
I asked him for a hug, had a cold hug and then went down stairs to finish packing for a weekend holiday.
He said he felt too old being 36 to do it again, that I’m not being realistic that it’s going to be easy,
That our life’s are not far off perfect,
Bottom line he didn’t want it.
He said he didn’t think it would happen naturally and he said all those things to make me happy at the time.
I’m devastated
(I’m 35, he’s 37. Mortgage free, plenty of room, no financial problems whatsoever, he had problems in his 20s that said would effect fertility)
I’ve / we’ve agreed to have an abortion pill Monday
I don’t know what to say to him, we’re away on holiday with our son and I’ve told him not to mention it at all.
I don’t know what to say to him when I get home.

OP posts:
Autumn245 · 19/03/2022 11:28

Im sorry to hear you are struggling. Your partner is being unfair getting your hopes up like that thinking he would want another baby when he clearly doesnt. I cant offer you any advice im afraid as i am still trying for my first baby after 2 1/2 years trying.
This might be best posted on the pregnancy boards, as this board is for infertility and people who are desperately trying to get pregnant. Reading about you taking an abortion pill may not be well received here x

ImaniMumsnet · 19/03/2022 11:30

Hi OP,

We think this thread would be a better fit in Pregnancy choices so we've moved it over there.

We wish you all the best

CatRatSplat · 19/03/2022 11:39

What do you want? He knew neither of you were using protection so there was always a chance. 37 is not too old for a new baby, appears to be an average age these day.

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/03/2022 11:45

Keep your baby op ditch your dh you won't forgive him this I suspect

Mazz1986 · 19/03/2022 11:47

I’m sorry Im new to this and didn’t realise where it was getting posted.

OP posts:
titchy · 19/03/2022 11:48

Keep the baby ditch the husband. Your marriage is screwed now regardless.

PatchworkElmer · 19/03/2022 11:52

Decide what you want to do- it’s likely your relationship could end over this anyway (I couldn’t forgive it). So if you want the baby, keep the baby and plan on single parenthood.

MrsBertBibby · 19/03/2022 11:56

Oh love, it is your choice, but your husband sounds really unpleasant.

Don't have a termination you don't want.

SalsaLove · 19/03/2022 11:57

Oh OP. What a terrible situation for you. I agree with others that if you want the baby, keep the baby. On the other hand, Your husband’s days might be numbered.

Goldbar · 19/03/2022 11:59

Would you prefer to be a single mother of 2 or a single mother of 1?

Your husband has treated you appallingly and at some point you will find your anger and the relationship will be over.

Pyewhacket · 19/03/2022 11:59

If you have the space and finances then I would take a breath and think about it a bit more before taking such drastic measures.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 12:01

You had unprotected sex with his permission, you haven’t tricked him in any way. I think you should keep your baby.

TheBigPeach · 19/03/2022 12:05

I agree, this will affect your relationship long term no matter what you decide. I think from what you have said that you really want this baby so I wouldn’t give it up for someone who might not even be around in a few years, I’m sorry to say that but I don’t think your marriage can survive this unless he changes his mind and begs your forgiveness.

nearlyspringyay · 19/03/2022 12:08

Keep your baby, get rid of him, he's clearly checked out.

You seem overly entwined in your friends life.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/03/2022 12:08

Don't terminate this pregnancy if you don't want to!
What a fucking arse your husband is

Ikeameatballs · 19/03/2022 12:10

Your husband has deceived you horribly.

Termination or not I don’t think I could forgive this.

atotalshambles · 19/03/2022 12:13

I would keep the baby and get rid of the husband. He sounds horrible.

SerendipitySunshine · 19/03/2022 12:27

Don't terminate your wanted baby. How he feels is up to him, and may change back and forth many times, but you will never forgive him if you let him push you into this.

MintJulia · 19/03/2022 12:28

I too would keep the baby and ditch the dh.

He lied to you, he intentionally misled you, you are pregnant as a result and he's blaming you!!

At best the man is a dishonest selfish idiot. For me, expecting you to terminate a pregnancy that he knows he caused and he knows is much wanted, makes him a bastard and not worth keeping.
I'm sorry OP, he's a complete arsehole and you have a rotten choice to make.

DamnUserName21 · 19/03/2022 12:31

What a head fuck!
I'd hold off getting the pill and weigh up if you want this baby more than your H.
If you take the pill, you will always have this incident affecting your future relationship with your husband.

fuckoffImcounting · 19/03/2022 12:34

Your DH has done a really shitty thing. Very hard to forgive. You make your own decision about the baby. Baby sounds to be much wanted by you.

forlornlorna · 19/03/2022 12:35

It's going to be hard either way. If you have the termination then you'll always be angry and resent your dh, if you keep the baby he'll feel that way about you.

He's so heartless imo. He was actively trying with you. How cruel to put you through this.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 19/03/2022 12:35

You clearly haven't decided that re abortion so don't do it. Do not terminate a pregnancy you very much wanted, you would find that very very hard to get over that and even moreso in the circumstances. You would resent your husband even moreso. Tell him you cannot go through with it, that you both knew a baby was a possibility and you hope he will change his mind and come round. If he doesn't do so quickly, and realise he has so completely in the wrong, I don't think I could stay in the marriage. Wishing you the best. So sad that what should be a happy and exciting time has been destroyed for you. I would be so angry with him for doing that.

SuperSocks · 19/03/2022 12:38

You were trying for a baby, it's not like a contraception fail. Even if it were it's entirely 100% your choice whether to continue the pregnancy or not. Pretend your husband doesn't exist - would you want another baby, or would you rather stick with just the one child? You need to know what YOU want before leaping into a decision you could regret.

SonicHg · 19/03/2022 12:39

Keep the baby. You’ll lose your fertility one day, he won’t.