Abortion regret and moving forward...

[AutumnGrace22322]

Hi all! I realise this is a very sensitive topic and i have complete respect for all women and their choices.
My DH and i recently went through a very traumatic abortion. (5 weeks ago) an unplanned pregnancy that was completely overshadowed by anxiety, fear, stress. You name it, we felt it. Especially me, i went into a full blown panic state of mind. I never wanted to choose to terminate, but my mind went into total darkness.
We had always wanted a 3rd but life moved on fast and i tucked the desire away deep in my heart and just accepted it wasnt meant to be.
Our 2 children went to school and i went back to work. I have a very very stressful and taxing job which i have been unhappy in for a long time. But didn't want to leave and feel like i was letting my coworkers or boss down. We freaked out at the thought of another babe when the test was positive. We went back and forth for days and with limited time to decide, went through with the termination with our heads still in turmoil. (Terrible mistake)
We made a list of pros and cons, but failed to challenge our "cons" and how we could overcome them. Instead we just made this a huge negative when we now realize, having another babe would have been the complete opposite. We kept it to ourselves, which we also now can recognize as a fault, as reaching out to our families would have been the support we desperately needed at the time.
Our other 2 are older (8 & 11) and the age gap scared us at the time. Again, we now can see that we all would have adapted.
Whilst we 100% regret our choice and are working through the grief, which has bought us even closer now. (Already very close and completely supporting of eachother)
We cant help feel that our baby/children raising days are not done yet. Its only early days, but this has woken my maternal side and bought it to another level.
I guess what im looking for, is other mums advise of similar circumstances and if you decided to go on and have another babe, how did the pregnancy affect you? Did you feel it was right to have another baby after a termination? Sorry if this upsets anyone or stirs up past emotions. I just need some words of wisdom from other mums. Xx

Hi @Helpsurprise21

Big hugs to you.
Im glad you have someone to confide in. It really does help. Please keep writing here too if you feel the need. Theres lots of women going through it and it is comforting having someone to talk too. Even if we are just strangers online.
You might feel a little down in the coming days, the hormonal crash really threw me. But you might not either. Both reactions are normal and ok. Its also ok to feel sad about your choice. It doesnt mean it was the wrong choice, just a difficult one.
Xx

@Helpsurprise21

Oh i totally get the feeling! My poor DH wasnt allowed anywhere near me for ages! I was so scared of it happening again!
I think it would be fine to wait a bit to start the mini pill if your worried about it affecting your hormones.
My hormones afterwards had me thinking and feeling the wildest things! It is a nice relief once they begin to settle again. Xx

Hi @Brain1overload

I am going ok. And by ok, i mean, i feel more and more at peace with my decision. I still have my moments where i feel sad and a little annoyed that we made that decision, but they are becoming less and less now. Its a slow process.
However, i completely get how you are feeling now!
It is exactly how i feel too. I do wonder if its hormonally driven?
Sometimes, I think, no we are done. We like just having our 2 and I tell DH he needs to book the snip. (He's cancelled the last 3 appointments because I am so back and forth) I usually maintain this feeling for a fews days before I fall back to wanting to try for another one.
I start thinking, it would be really nice to add a 3rd. It will be different, but it could also be really lovely too.
Then I panic and we are right back to square 1.
The fears creep in and I wonder if its the right decision or would ruin our family and start overthinking of all the wrose cases scenarios.
DH would support me either way, he is happy with how things are, but also was (and still is) happy to have more.
Although he did say he is worried about me being in this limbo of not knowing what to do next. He thinks I need to pick one and stick to it.
But I am too scared too. I feel like my decision making skills at the moment are so rattled by the last "life changing" decision i made and i need someone to make this decision for me!

How does your partner feel towards it?
Hope you have a good day today X

@Brain1overload

Probably the best way I can sum it up is;

Head - Dont do it. To scared.
Heart - Do it, throw all your fears to the wind and go for it. You only live once!

@Brain1overload

I really feel you. I do! So much of what you write is like i have written it myself.
Im sorry to read you are not getting much sleep. Its hard enough having the mental confusion on top of being physically exhausted as well! I hope sleep comes to you and you get some much needed rest.
It really is such a shit mindset to be in. I did think (at the time) that having the termination was going to put an end to the turmoil i was in. When in reality, its only made it worse and i feel even more confused now.
Its like being in limbo with no clear path forward.

It is very hard to look at both options (now and in the future) and "pick" which one to go for. Both will have there own pros and cons.
I just dont know if i am ready to move on from the "baby" stage of our lives yet. I loved it so much and it hurts that i might not get to experience that again. But I do think, maybe it's already gone and i need to let it go and just enjoy this stage.
However, I worry if i dont do it now, ill look back once the opportunity has definitely gone and regret not going for it.
Im sorry to hear fertility is a worry for you. Would it possibly help to seek some advise or tests to help relieve some of your concerns on that end? Or help you in making a decison moving forward?

My DC have friends from school and so many of their families are unique in sizes, ages etc. It does make me look at the age gap a little differently now. I can see how it does just work (for most) and everyone adapts. I guess I just need to weigh up if thats what I potentially want our family to look like going forward.
I guess it doesnt help that i feel incredibly broody and im sure its my hormones, which I feel ultra turned in on since the termination.

Hi Autumn. I had a termination yesterday at 8 weeks. I considered the decision for 6 weeks and still was in just as much doubt right up until the procedure. I was even telling my baby how much I loved it and how sorry I was right up until the minute of the procedure. How sick is that? 🥺
My anxiety was just too much to continue the pregnancy. From the moment i found out i was pregnant it was unbearable. I tried hard to imagine going through with having the baby and i couldnt. My mind was just dark. This also happened two months earlier and the pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. I feel like that miscarriage gave me a 2nd chance to seek help for my anxiety, but i didnt take it. I got pregnant right away without even getting a period. But from the second I found out I was pregnant again, my mind became a dark fog and i was unable to feel any positivity whatsoever. I am absolutely devestated. I have been crying non stop since yesterday and am extremely guilt ridden. My life was already hard before all of this with chronic pelvic pain, and now I have this unbearable emotional pain on top of the physical pain to carry. I dont know how to go on. I hope your doing somewhat better x

Hi @milliegirl25 Id been reading this thread after recently going through with a medical termination myself and noticed nobody has responded as yet. It's the first time I've signed up to a forum like this but the grief and painful emotions I am experiencing rn are becoming too much to bear. I feel I have nobody to talk to for fear of judgment and feel like a fraud for feeling such sadness and grief when myself and partner made this decision. I too had termination at 8 weeks, I had known for 3 weeks and during this time was extremely confused and rattled with fear and anxiety. I didn't feel that it would be right for our family of 4 and that it would put too much pressure on me and take my precious time away from my 2 other DDs. But now I almost feel like if I am this devastated should I have given myself more time to get used to the idea? The worst of it is,my medical abortion failed and today I have to go in again to have the same procedure which was painful and surreal enough the first time round. It didn't feel right having this done and it didn't feel right at the time I was pregnant and picturing life as a Mummy of 3. I feel the way this has been prolonged has exacerbated all these negative emotions. I never thought this could happen. I feel so confused...how are you feeling now, I hope you have been able to process some of this...sending love and hugs to you.

@StrawberryBear5
@Milliegirl25
how are you both doing now ? I added a newer thread on here but mine was a different situation to yours. But still basically about abortion regret and grief . If you still want to chat I would also fine it helpful as I’m really struggling at the moment and have nobody to talk to x

Hi @Ivemessedup22 I'm so sorry you are struggling too. Have you got a support network? I actually ended up telling my family eventually (it was just between myself and partner initially). I feel that although it felt difficult to tell them, it was like a huge weight had been lifted, is that an option for you? Are you with the person you became pg by? If so make sure you are talking as openly as you can. It will help although this is unfortunately such a divided topic that we feat people will judge us and that we feel shame about it. What were your circumstances? Please feel you can talk on here. I have felt better after yesterday after talking with my partner. Although it stung to say it, we both feel that this experience may have opened us up to the possibility of another baby in the future. It just wasn't the ight time for this little babe and we were not mentally prepared and acted in states of panic. I hope you are okay and please remember to take care of yourself, you are not alone. Sending love x x x

Thanks for the reply. No I’m not with the dad anymore thankfully. I actually had 2 terminations when I was with him . They were years ago now. I just kind of carried on with life at the time because I was looking after my other kids and we have had lots of problems over the years . But now things are more settled and my kids are a little older it just made me think more about the abortions. I’ve suffered from terrible mental health problems since having them and it’s caused me to have a debilitating anxiety disorder. If I knew this was how life would be there’s no way in hell I’d of ever of had an abortion. It’s just miserable. I have to try and be happy and strong for my kids but inside I’m just broken. Im single now but am not interested with being with anyone again so will not be having any more children.
It sounds like you are feeling a little better now ? It definitely helps to talk about it . X

@StrawberryBear5

I Just realised it was very recent you had yours ? Sorry you have to go through it twice I just re read your post . How is everything now ? X

Hi @StrawberryBear5 @Ivemessedup22 sorry to hear you ladies are struggling. Hindsight is such a funny thing. If only we knew before what we know now, maybe our circumstances would be different.
Maybe we can chat via messaging on here? Thinking of you guys. Stay strong x

OP I really recommend some private counselling. You sound really messed up and you said that if affected your MH so badly you didn't go back to work. Please speak to your GP. And arrange some private counselling in the meantime.

hi autumn
did you have another baby?