Abortion regret and moving forward...

[AutumnGrace22322]

Hi all! I realise this is a very sensitive topic and i have complete respect for all women and their choices.
My DH and i recently went through a very traumatic abortion. (5 weeks ago) an unplanned pregnancy that was completely overshadowed by anxiety, fear, stress. You name it, we felt it. Especially me, i went into a full blown panic state of mind. I never wanted to choose to terminate, but my mind went into total darkness.
We had always wanted a 3rd but life moved on fast and i tucked the desire away deep in my heart and just accepted it wasnt meant to be.
Our 2 children went to school and i went back to work. I have a very very stressful and taxing job which i have been unhappy in for a long time. But didn't want to leave and feel like i was letting my coworkers or boss down. We freaked out at the thought of another babe when the test was positive. We went back and forth for days and with limited time to decide, went through with the termination with our heads still in turmoil. (Terrible mistake)
We made a list of pros and cons, but failed to challenge our "cons" and how we could overcome them. Instead we just made this a huge negative when we now realize, having another babe would have been the complete opposite. We kept it to ourselves, which we also now can recognize as a fault, as reaching out to our families would have been the support we desperately needed at the time.
Our other 2 are older (8 & 11) and the age gap scared us at the time. Again, we now can see that we all would have adapted.
Whilst we 100% regret our choice and are working through the grief, which has bought us even closer now. (Already very close and completely supporting of eachother)
We cant help feel that our baby/children raising days are not done yet. Its only early days, but this has woken my maternal side and bought it to another level.
I guess what im looking for, is other mums advise of similar circumstances and if you decided to go on and have another babe, how did the pregnancy affect you? Did you feel it was right to have another baby after a termination? Sorry if this upsets anyone or stirs up past emotions. I just need some words of wisdom from other mums. Xx

Well yes. You made a terrible mistake. At least you have each other. Yes, of course have another baby. The grief for one lost won't go, but it will lessen. Don't make things even worse by not letting yourself now have another one. Just have a baby and enjoy every moment.

Sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh - I just mean you know now very clearly that you want another. So don't be held back by anything. Just do it 😌

I’m so sorry you went through that , I’m now battling the same issues but with no partner around . Which is even harder bevsuse I know it’ll be years before I get what I want , if it even happens :(
But the fact it’s brought you closer together and you now know what you want is so rare and amazing so hold onto that and when the times right absorb every single moment and enjoy it .
I’ve heard from a medium that a spirit will hang around you and will try around 3 times to get to you if you are destined to be their perfect fit parent . That gave me some comfort . Also that babies that are ‘let go ‘ I don’t use the a word it triggers me , them babies become your angels and are always close by you at all times . I know that spirit stuff isn’t for everyone but it brought me comfort xx

We ended 6 days before I found out I was pregnant and I never felt comfortable enough to tell him that’s what eating me up inside @SudokuZebra

Hi @Brain1overload
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. It is brutal. How are ypu feeling today?
Im now 2 months on and feeling as equally as low as i did just after it.
I went back to work for the first time in 4 weeks. I was put on medical leave as my mental health has plummeted as a result.
It was so strange being back and all it did was make me question my decision even more. I thought, what the hell was all this for? I made a decision out of fear but the outcome of this decision is a lifelong pain and emptiness that i fear nothing will ever heal.
I was always of the feeling that if it happened (a 3rd PG) i would just accept it and look forward to the new life and adventure ahead of us. But i massively freaked out and now its too late.
I also feel now, this was my last chance. I had it and i blew it and now i cannot take it back or make it right.
It is the worst feeling and im sending you a massive virtual hug, as i wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone. Xx

Hi @Brain1overload

My gosh, its like you took the thoughts out of my head and wrote them down for me!
You are 100% right. The external fears and factors are still here. Age gap etc. Those things will never change and they really were a driving force behind my decision. I am sad i made them out to be such a big focal point, but at the time and i guess even now, they are still relevant. I was just blindsided by panic and fear.
I too worried there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I had a decent health scare at the beginning of the year and i convinced myself i would die and leave my children motherless, if i continued with the pregnancy. In hindsight, i should have taken it day by day and spoken with my doctor about my concerns before making a decison. I feel theres lots i did wrong in the decision making and going the wrong way about it. But ive learnt from it now.
I also think trying again is something i cannot agree on or let go of.
I selfishly dont want the pregnancy/newborn stage of my life to be over just yet. I loved it too much. I loved being pregnant and i want to feel that again. Just one more time.
But when i take a step back, now im no longer facing an actual pregnancy, i can see how much i do just enjoy and love what i have. I like the little more freedom we have with older DC. The fun things we are now doing with them. I like this stage of life too.
But i also worry i may look back in years to come and regret not having anymore.
Ill always regret the termination. If i knew what i know now and could go back in time to change it, i would. But i accept this cannot be changed. I may not agree with it or feel it was the right choice. But i accept i cannot change it.
Its such a bizarre place to be in. Feeling so blessed, yet this strange emptiness and feeling "theres something missing"
Hope you had a good day today xxx

@Brain1overload

My best friend is due the same week i was. We were only days apart. So i totally get the feeling of it being a lifelong "reminder" of what we could of had.
I would have found out the sex this week. And as i was thinking that, she messaged me telling me they just found out the sex of their baby. I am over the moon for her, but it was a strange, almost out of body feeling of oh wow, THAT could have been us this week. THAT should have been us. But its not now. Its all very confusing.

I’m in the same boat… but with our fourth. I have a termination booked but I could have written your post.

Financially we are sound, and we are geared up for it (already have the big car house etc). Toyed with idea of fourth in past but as our youngest got older (almost 4) we started to get our freedoms back.

Such a hard decision.

I hope things get easier for you. This is my fear, the regret afterwards. I admit I have paid for a termination in panic but the longer I leave it the worse it will be.

I am so close to my parents and I know if I told them they would encourage (and support) me to keep and would probably be hurt by the fact I am considering terminating. We lost my brother at aged 40 so that has changed their whole viewpoint about life in general.

@Brain1overload thank you. The tablets have literally just arrived. I’m just sat here staring at them. I never thought I would be in this position.

I certainly wouldn't go ahead if I had massive doubts and thought I would regret it. Esecially if I could provide a good life for a child. But it's up you in the end.

@Helpsurprise21 I hope you are ok.

It is literally the worst situation ever. Looking back, i wish I had accessed more face to face counselling before I did anything. I don’t know if the outcome would have changed but I definitely think the aftermath would have not been so awful. I’m still stuck tbh.

I hope you can make peace and enjoy your family no matter what you have decided. Sending hugs x

Hi @Brain1overload

Sorry to hear you are having a sad few days. Im right there in that feeling with you. (Big hugs) it truly is such an awful place to be in and takes huge amounts of mental effort to overcome. Its exhausting.
I had a wonderful chat with a very wise and caring friend on the weekend that helped me to see that i made a decision that ultimately felt "right" at the time. The overwhelming feelings from that week and day were very real and i could only do my best at the time. She challenged me to imagine if i had taken the other option, with no rose colored glasses on. And it frightened me. The fears i had came back into my mind and i do think i would have spent the entire pregnancy worrying about how i was going to manage and how we were going to make it work. And what our life would look like with a new baby. I simply couldnt see us starting again. It was heartbreaking to admit but i needed to be honest with myself there and to remember that i have a limit on how much i can handle and how much of myself i can give before im worn too thin. I just didnt want to stretch myself so thin to the point where i couldnt enjoy my DC and be a present active mother for them.
It did make me feel a lot better for a few days, then the sadness came back last night when i was listening to my DC play with my DH. Just their laughter and love for life made me so happy, yet broke my heart that i couldnt provide that for this one. I desperately wanted to, but at the time i couldnt see that and didnt have the strength to continue.
Its a bitter pill to swallow and one that makes me feel selfish in my decision

I agree with counseling before hand. I do wish i had seeked more support. I dont know if it would have changed my decision either, but i think if i could have worked through my tangled emotions beforehand, maybe the fallout wouldnt have hit me so hard but who knows.
We have decided not to try again. There are just things we cannot change and those things were big factors in this decision. Im sad about it, but i know when a stage in our lives is changing, its ok to feel sad and look back on those wonderful years with love and beautiful memories and wishing we could stay in that time of our lives forever.
I remember feeling this when our youngest started school. I was no longer the mum to babies and toddlers. I was now the mum to school kids. It was a bittersweet transition.
Unfortunately for me, i had a surgical procedure and whilst i was asleep for it, it has caused me to have a truama response. The entire day felt very much like i was just a number, it was so sterile and rushed that i was left feeling very vulnerable, exposed and shaken up from it. Certain things trigger me into panic attacks now and i cannot always pin point what it is that triggers me, but the feeling is out of this world. Like im going to suffocate from the panic. Ive also found out something from that day, that has left me feeling like my privacy could be in jeopardy. It might be an overreaction, but either way its given me a real wobble.
I hope your having a better day today xx

Hi @Helpsurprise21

I am so sorry to hear you are facing this situation. It truly is one of the hardest things to have gone through and its definitely changed me as a person.
What makes it especially hard, is knowing there is no way to know how you will feel afterwards.
How are you today? I know you posted a few days ago and was wondering how your going in your decision.
I wish i had some wonderful insight for you.
My dear friend reminds me that we can only do our best at the time and we make a decision with great care, a huge amount of love and sacrifice and consideration to our circumstances.
Both options take massive bravery on our behalf as they will both come with there own challenges.
For me neither option felt 100% right. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place and i absolutely hate that i was even in the position to begin with.
If i could give any advice, please seek counseling or even a trusted friend/family member. I kept it to myself and my DH and we both wished we reached out for support beforehand so we didnt feel so alone.
Sending you a big hug. Xx

Hi @Sudokuzebra
How are you? i seem to be a bit of a regular on this forum these days. 😆 It is comforting speaking to other women, who just get it. Its sad to know there are many who suffer through this but its nice to be able to "talk" through the feelings with people who understand and also allow them to pour out their feelings to others who can help by making them feel valid in their journey or atleast a little less alone.
I did consider antidepressants for a little, but i dont like taking medication at the best of times and although i go through waves of terrible emotions, i want to overcome this myself. (Nothing against AD or anything like that, just a personal preference)
Each day i aim to make another small step forward. I might have a few moments where i feel like i am going backwards, but they are becoming less and less now. I may not be where i would like to be yet, but im already so much further along than i was a few weeks ago.
Hope you have a great day xx

@AutumnGrace22322 thanks so much for checking in with me. I did it last night - it was very easy, almost too easy and had me worrying it hadn’t worked… but I am extremely early on, close to 5 weeks.

So far I feel fine about it - I found Wednesday hard taking the first pill but I know it’s the right decision for me. I want to focus on my three children and we have so many plans. I am concerned I might have the crash and regret but at the moment I think it’s right.

I told one of my oldest friends, he has been amazing - a real support, he has helped me
Through. I agree it’s much better when you confide in someone.

I hope you are ok x

I have been given the mini pill to start… I hate hormonal contraception but I think if I don’t try it I will be terrified to go anywhere near my husband ever again. I think just until we know it’s the right time for the snip, and we are absolutely certain about it.

I’m hoping the pill on top of pregnancy hormones doesn’t screw me up but I guess I can wait a bit as I won’t be letting him near me
for a long time