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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

Going it alone?

53 replies

SweetPeaGirl · 04/09/2021 16:57

I am 5 weeks pregnant and found out on Thursday. I was absolutely delighted. I'm 32 and have wanted children forever but never met the right man to settle down with.

...and I still haven't. I had a fling with the father.

I told him today and he is begging me to not have this baby. He doesn't want children and doesn't want to be involved. There's also an added complication around a legal issue / trust that means he loses a lot if he has a child reach the age of 18.

I don't want to ruin his life, but I want this baby. I am in a good position, with a lovely home, good job (with mat benefits), and strong support system. And I want this.

He is begging me not to, and he's saying it's not fair on a child to have it and it not have a proper father. He says I should abort and then 'do it properly' with someone who wants a family.

Am I crazy to think I can do it on my own? Am I heartless to inflict this on him?

OP posts:
ED81 · 05/09/2021 10:48

Don’t want to defend him either but this is big news for him to digest. Particularly as you aren’t in a relationship.

Give him some time. Like the previous comment suggests - say come back in a few weeks with a clearer mind.

Marty13 · 05/09/2021 14:38

Hey OP, I have two kids as a single parent by choice so yes you can totally do it.

For what it's worth I don't think he's as much of a bastard as some people said - he got caught off guard by your news and as it was a fling it's not shocking that he's defending his interests and not overly invested in you or the baby.

That said it makes my blood boil that he "just assumed" you were taking care of it. You don't get to "just assume" this kind of things, you ask. Or deal with the consequences.

You should absolutely not have a termination you do not want for his convenience.

Being a single parent is hard but it's also great. I wouldn't have chosen to have a baby with someone I know, as there's always the risk he might change his mind and want to be involved, but that's where you are now and maybe it doesn't bother you as much as it would bother me.

Viviennemary · 05/09/2021 14:42

Its mean that you tricked him when you knew he didnt want a baby. Whatever you do now isnt going to change that. It was irresponsible and now you are both in a mess. Poor baby.

sociallydistained · 05/09/2021 14:45

Op, you 100% want this baby by the sounds of it and this baby is living and growing inside you, you should definitely love it. Sounds like this baby will be completely loved.

This man does not want to take responsibility for his actions when he made a decision to take the risk. He is begging you to abort it because he knows he will feel guilt not having anything to do with it and if you abort it you take away that guilt. How dare he! Have this baby and make sure you claim child maintenance too. Good lucky OP you sound like you’ll be a wonderful Mum.

sociallydistained · 05/09/2021 14:45

That meant to say keep it not love it but you’ll do both xx

Marty13 · 05/09/2021 16:42

Its mean that you tricked him when you knew he didnt want a baby.

Yes, she tricked him, clearly he wasn't aware that there was no condom on his dick Hmm

Everyone's in charge of their own fertility, this man included. If he'd asked about birth control and she lied it would be one thing. But he didn't ask, he just assumed that she would be on hormonal birth control for his convenience.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/09/2021 17:22

@Viviennemary

Its mean that you tricked him when you knew he didnt want a baby. Whatever you do now isnt going to change that. It was irresponsible and now you are both in a mess. Poor baby.
Nobody tricked anyone He never asked and he certainly didn't wear a condom Men aren't idiots they do know where babies come from
StrongerOrWeaker · 05/09/2021 17:30

Absolutely keep the baby if you want to. Do not let him dictate.

tickledtiger · 05/09/2021 20:01

@Viviennemary

Its mean that you tricked him when you knew he didnt want a baby. Whatever you do now isnt going to change that. It was irresponsible and now you are both in a mess. Poor baby.
Op didn’t trick anyone! Discussing contraception with a partner is a matter of personal responsibility for both people.

I don’t feel sorry for the baby, it sounds like he or she will have a loving home. Hardly a mess.

Viviennemary · 05/09/2021 20:53

I dont think he was OP's partner. Just a random fling.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/09/2021 21:01

@Viviennemary

I dont think he was OP's partner. Just a random fling.
So? Even more reason for him to wear a condom!
Original poster
SweetPeaGirl · 06/09/2021 15:59

Just to clarify - I definitely didn't trick anyone! He didn't ask anything. And no, he wasn't my boyfriend, but we'd been messing around for a couple of months so not a randomer either. Not that it would really make a difference if it was!

Anyway, thanks again everyone for your support. He's been pretty horrible about the whole thing and put a lot of pressure on me, but I don't blame him too much because it's a big deal and he's freaking out.

I want to leave space for him to calm down and behave better once he accepts what's happening, because I think that's the right thing to do. I don't hold out hope of him doing a total 180 and wanting to be involved in our child's life, but I don't want to cut off the possibility either.

I suppose my main update is that I'm fairly convinced he's being dishonest about the trust issue. I think he might have just said it in the moment while freaking out, and that while there are legal implications they're not as big as he's said.

I think that because he's changed the story on what the issue would be, and said I can see the legal documents then said I can't. I reminded him that we have a mutual friend who specialises in that type of law and maybe it's a good idea for me to speak to him, and he's absolutely against that.

I've told him I don't believe him and he's jumped to focusing on other reasons to terminate.

So basically I think that's it. The conversation is over and I'm just going to leave him to come to terms with what's happening and hopefully calm down about it. We'll see I guess!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/09/2021 16:03

Messing around??? And now there's a child involved. Honestly, I despair.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/09/2021 16:03

Well you know what, if he didn't want a baby he could have taken proper precautions, it pisses me off when selfish bastards think they can use abortion as contraception and have no idea of the mental trauma and physical pain it causes women.
Have the baby he can do one!!!

forgottonworkloaddays · 06/09/2021 16:09

You want the baby then you keep the baby ! Absolutely your body your choice

This will surely be your wake up call to grow up a bit and stop messing around having flings with people who don't want children.

Could just be a case of he doesn't want to pay maintenance

Chocolatebuttercream · 06/09/2021 16:14

@Viviennemary

Messing around??? And now there's a child involved. Honestly, I despair.
Eh?! What's wrong with two adults having sex?!
BrilliantBetty · 06/09/2021 16:17

It sounds like you know what you want and will go for it.
The trust / inheritance thing sounds like bullshit.

Personally if it was me I'd want to do it solo rather than him potentially dipping in and out of the child's life as he wishes. You can do this! It will be hard work but thankfully you have a strong support network.

You'll have a while to think about it but there are pros and cons for putting him on the birth certificate..

Original poster
SweetPeaGirl · 06/09/2021 17:06

@forgottonworkloaddays

You want the baby then you keep the baby ! Absolutely your body your choice

This will surely be your wake up call to grow up a bit and stop messing around having flings with people who don't want children.

Could just be a case of he doesn't want to pay maintenance

Because sex is only for procreation??
OP posts:
someonesomewhere7 · 06/09/2021 17:34

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Its even more not you BU with your update OP. Your "friend" sounds like a misogynistic arse if shes telling her own friend to terminate because it's not fair on a man she doesn't even know to not be able to have unprotected sex without consequence. A termination is a medical procedure so telling you to get one when you don't want to so a man can shag about is so wrong. He "assumed" that it was ok to release his sperm and that you'd take care of it or terminate? He actually thinks that his bodily fluids are a problem for women after he's done with them, and that they'll just have to go through the the effects of the termiantion themselves so he gets all the money and doesn't have to share or parent?
Ha, the audacity of this dude to beg you for a termination when he didn't even bother to ask if you were on the pill or wrap it up. He's got no say in it. He knew what the stakes were, this is on him. I might have had sympathy for him had it been a condom failure, but nah, pay no attention to his woe-is-me speeches.

You sound like you really want this baby and are confident that you have the resources and support to do it alone. I think you need to listen to your heart. You would end up regretting it if you aborted for his sake. And not to be that person, but at 32, you might not have many other chances at motherhood later on. What if you abort only to have trouble conceiving later on?

someonesomewhere7 · 06/09/2021 17:42

@SweetPeaGirl

I think he might have had a few drinks because now he's texting saying he's considering killing himself if I go ahead.

And honestly, it's making me more hard-hearted. I can't have him using that against me. I've given him the numbers for mental health crisis support.

Please distance yourself from him. He's a manipulative prick. Don't meet him alone, don't eat or drink anything he gives you. If he's that desperate, you don't know what he's capable of.

Also, don't put his name on the birth certificate, as that would only give him more rights and access to your baby, which he doesn't want anyway.

jozipozi31 · 06/09/2021 20:57

@SweetPeaGirl

Legal documents? Tricked him so forced into termination??

Omg.

Block the stupid bugger. Really outrageous for him to pressurise and try to bully you like this.

Have nothing to do with him. Cut the dialogue. Answer nothing. Make him not exist.

And dispel any idea of him being a dad.

This guy is very bad news.

forgottonworkloaddays · 07/09/2021 09:05

@SweetPeaGirl

"Because sex is only for procreation??"

Please re read what I said OP

"This will surely be your wake up call to grow up a bit and stop messing around having flings with people who don't want children "

Sex may or may not = baby (especially if not taking precautions)
Therefore be careful who you have flings with.

Just thinking if you do continue with flings (completely your choice) perhaps look to someone who is respectful of you and understands the consequences

Original poster
SweetPeaGirl · 07/09/2021 17:40

I've got a more positive update this time!

So, he's apologised for being awful, accepted my decision and says he respects it, and has asked for time to think about if/how he'd like to be involved. He's also said he'll give whatever financial support we need.

And I'm happy about that. The apology and the rest. I know that there's no excuse for putting the kind of pressure on me that he did, but provided he behaves properly from now on I'm happy to put that behind me.

We also talked a little about his parents etc, and he's going to tell them when I'm further along. He said he thinks they might be interested in being active in our child's life, and I've said I'm open to that. I'd be looking to have strong boundaries etc to make sure it works for everyone, but if my baby can have more good family around them then I want them to have it.

OP posts:
tickledtiger · 07/09/2021 19:00

Good update op.

LolaF · 08/09/2021 00:06

You absolutely can do this and it is your body and your decision. If he doesn’t want to be involved then he doesn’t have to be. And you will be great either way! Congratulations on the pregnancy!