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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Going it alone?

53 replies

SweetPeaGirl · 04/09/2021 16:57

I am 5 weeks pregnant and found out on Thursday. I was absolutely delighted. I'm 32 and have wanted children forever but never met the right man to settle down with.

...and I still haven't. I had a fling with the father.

I told him today and he is begging me to not have this baby. He doesn't want children and doesn't want to be involved. There's also an added complication around a legal issue / trust that means he loses a lot if he has a child reach the age of 18.

I don't want to ruin his life, but I want this baby. I am in a good position, with a lovely home, good job (with mat benefits), and strong support system. And I want this.

He is begging me not to, and he's saying it's not fair on a child to have it and it not have a proper father. He says I should abort and then 'do it properly' with someone who wants a family.

Am I crazy to think I can do it on my own? Am I heartless to inflict this on him?

OP posts:
Rose925 · 04/09/2021 18:25

You CAN do this alone OP !! Never let a man dictate you . It’s your body & you have the necessary needs to support a baby . Men on a whole are useless anyway . I was 16 and done it alone with no help she’s now 13 and I’ve created a great life for us xx

lljkk · 04/09/2021 18:33

Since you sound determined, I suppose I would want to assure him that he'll only be as involved as he wants to be. I would try to give him space (without prejudice) to change his mind to feeling more positive about the situation.

He should have used a better condom and now he'll know that for future.

Congratulations. Flowers

LynnInAVan · 04/09/2021 18:36

He’s a selfish arsehole. Congratulations on your baby! Flowers

Bobmonkfish · 04/09/2021 18:39

There's also an added complication around a legal issue / trust that means he loses a lot if he has a child reach the age of 18.

Wow. There's your reason he is against this then. He should have used a condom shouldn't he?

OP, you are in a secure position and you can do this alone. When I had my baby (also at 32), a baby group friend was doing it alone from the pregnancy and she coped fine. Better than I did, actually.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/09/2021 18:43

You're surely not considering termination because he will lose money???
Having a baby is difficult as fuck. But if you've got a job and some savings and good friends and family nearby you can totally do it, if that's what you want.
Don't let him off the hook for child maintenance though.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 19:05

No way. You have your baby OP. He's being a bullying twat and he doesnt get to tell you to undergo a medical procedure on your body to terminate a child that you want. Terminations are not there so men can tell women to get one with threats and abuse about what'll happen of they don't. He could have had a vasectomy or used a condom if he was ok with the slight chance of still having a child if they failed and if he wasn't he could have abstained, but he has either used none of these or if he used a condom he knew that it might fail and by only doing that he was saying he was ok with that. Because as an adult man he knows the only say he has in this is before the baby is made and that when it has been it's up to the woman. So if he didn't want a child he knew what he needed to do to not have one. He knew what would happen with this money you say he'll get less of and he did this anyway. So if he feels a baby has ruined his life then he has ruined his life himself. That is his problem and not yours.

He doesn't have to see his child but he'll have to pay for it. So if he's saying it's wrong to have a child thats father doesn't want it then he shouldn't have made a child and he shouldn't do that to it. But he is. You do want it so you can just as easily say that you think terminating a child the mother wants would be as bad as what he's doing by abandoning it. He wants you to terminate the child so he doesn't get any blame for abandoning them.

You can do this yourself. You know he will have to pay towards it and you know that when your child is eighteen theyll get something from the money he says he'll lose. So you just have to be ready to be a lone parent. You can do that.

Women do it every day. You want your baby so you know you can do it. Becuase you'll do it for them. But it isn't wrong to have a baby you want just because the father has only told you after having sex with you and making a child that h'ed abandon you if you got pregnant, because it should be fair to assume that if someone has sex with you they know a baby might be the result and that they won't become an abusive arsehole who blames you.

Original poster
SweetPeaGirl · 04/09/2021 19:24

Thank you all so, so, so much. What you've said means such a lot to me.

I told one of my friends the details and they think I should terminate because it's unfair on him otherwise, so I thought I was going a bit mad wanting to keep it.

We didn't use a condom. We didn't talk about contraception. Which I know was not at all responsible. I asked him why he did it when so much is at stake, and he said he assumed I was on the pill.

I feel like my baby and I shouldn't have to pay for his mistake.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 19:45

Its even more not you BU with your update OP. Your "friend" sounds like a misogynistic arse if shes telling her own friend to terminate because it's not fair on a man she doesn't even know to not be able to have unprotected sex without consequence. A termination is a medical procedure so telling you to get one when you don't want to so a man can shag about is so wrong. He "assumed" that it was ok to release his sperm and that you'd take care of it or terminate? He actually thinks that his bodily fluids are a problem for women after he's done with them, and that they'll just have to go through the the effects of the termiantion themselves so he gets all the money and doesn't have to share or parent?

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/09/2021 19:48

Your body, your baby, your choice.

junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 19:48

He's quite clearly thinking about his inheritance.
If it were me I would tell him not to worry about his precious money but that you won't be pressured into a termination because of his greed and selfishness.
I wouldn't go after his money. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either. If he is really adamant that he doesn't want to be involved I would cut all ties and focus on raising your baby alone.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/09/2021 19:51

What an unbelievable prick.

ED81 · 04/09/2021 19:59

He doesn’t have to be involved. No point forcing him - I believe that is unfair.

But you can go it alone but with the support of friends and family.
You want this. Do it.

Bobmonkfish · 04/09/2021 20:21

Total prick. If his inheritance was that important you would think he might have asked Confused

Do not be coerced to terminate if you don't want to.

tickledtiger · 04/09/2021 21:03

Your body, your baby, your choice as another poster said.

You aren’t “inflicting” anything on him. He’ll survive, don’t worry about him. Also if that’s his attitude to contraception I’m surprised he isn’t a parent already!

Original poster
SweetPeaGirl · 04/09/2021 22:47

I think he might have had a few drinks because now he's texting saying he's considering killing himself if I go ahead.

And honestly, it's making me more hard-hearted. I can't have him using that against me. I've given him the numbers for mental health crisis support.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/09/2021 22:50

Block him. He has no right to put this on you. In the words of Jeremy Kyle- he should have put something on the end of it.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 22:54

OP do not let him do this to you. He's seriously abusive. When the baby us born make sure you get CS from him. Then in the future don't forget what he's said about this money he loses, because whatever that is it's your childs right to get it when he/she is eighteen by the sound if it, so when you have less going on don't forget it in case he tries to deny the child is his.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 22:58

You might even want to think about telling his family if you feel you need to. That your pregnant with their grandchild and their son is taking it badly and he might need their help. That let's them know, and it gets any responsibility you, wrongly, might feel you have for him. But him you need to ignore, because you don't need the stress.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 23:03

He isn't your problem. Only think about the baby, and what you need.

WantStickyBean · 04/09/2021 23:13

The friends I have who are single mums are some of the best parents I have ever met. They meet every single one of their child's needs and more.

His feelings are irrelevant. Your body, your choice. If he didn't want a baby he should have been more careful.

Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy Smile.

IceLace100 · 04/09/2021 23:14

As someone who is seriously considering having a baby alone, I think it's totally doable. You sound settled and secure enough to do this alone.

He is seriously trying to emotionally manipulate you. Don't believe it for a single second. He is only thinking about his money. He doesn't care about you or the child. Block him and enjoy your pregnancy. Congratulations!

ohfook · 04/09/2021 23:42

My friend became a single mum at 32 and she's one of the best mums I know. I don't think she's found it easy but nor do I think her child has missed out in any way.

Original poster
SweetPeaGirl · 04/09/2021 23:50

Thanks everyone for your lovely support. I have only told one of my friends IRL because I don't want to deal with everyone and their views, so it's extra, extra useful to have your kind words here

OP posts:
IceLace100 · 05/09/2021 00:06

I kind of see why he is in a state. It's a big surprise for him. He seems to be flip flopping his opinions quite a bit.

Why not be the bigger person and say to him to have a think for a few weeks and come back when he has had time to digest the news?

I mean obv he shouldn't have reacted this way, but his initial reaction might not be how he feels once he has had time to think and process.

(I realise this is being v generous to him. And he is still a dick Grin)

jozipozi31 · 05/09/2021 10:35

Of course you can do it alone. It's your choice as much as if you chose not to go ahead.

I think anyhow you'd find it impossible to go through with termination. So just take no notice and start planning for your new life. 👍