13 weeks + 3 children and on my own

[Torment654]

I am booked in for surgical termination next week and I feel like I’m doing this for everyone else rather than me or the kids.

Life would be different with a fourth (I have 2 different dads already, this pregnancy is with a different man) but I don’t think it will br catastrophically awful as those around me make out.

What would you do in my circumstances? I’m a retail worker, in secure council tenancy and kids dads all involved with existing children.

Please help me work out what to do : I’m desperate for advice from real people.

You do you

You really don't sound like you want to end the pregnancy. Although I know I'd feel the same way. However I know I absolutely could not cope with a 4th child so wld have to go ahead with it.

You might live with this regret forever and be imagining the child you should have had. Too don't want to regret going ahead with it when baby is here though that wld be worse.

It's a no win for you. You need to be fairly certain though, not a nice position to be in.

I would keep the baby.

Of course a new baby will affect your existing children! For worse... and for better.

You sound very much like you want to keep it

You haven’t taken the tablets yet, so don’t. Not as a forever decision just for 24 hours decide to continue the pregnancy. Sit with it as a decision. At the end of the 24 hours weigh up how that felt. If you want to abort after that 24 hour delay nothing will change medically. But if making a choice, even a temporary one, to continue made you feel at peace despite the finance and practical concerns then that tells you something.

The thing is, OP, all the people encouraging you to keep the baby aren't going to pay your bills, or look after your children while you work long hours to keep a roof over your heads, or clean your house so you can spend what little time you have with your existing children. It really does sound to me as if the impact on your existing family would be too great. FWIW, I have three children and would likely terminate a pregnancy with a fourth, although I am with their father, we both earn decent money in professional jobs and mine is flexible and from home.

Nobody likes the idea of a termination. It's a hard thing to do. I'm just not sure your entirely understandable sense of wanting to keep the baby and make it work outweighs the very real impacts on your existing family.

The choice - obviously - is yours. But if I were you? I would absolutely terminate.

Keep the baby.

Thinking of you today, Torment.

Let us know how you are when you're feeling up to it.

You don't need a good reason to continue with a pregnancy. It doesn't need to be the sensible thing to do if you don't feel like being sensible. Pregnancy choices are not about guilt. Termination is opt in, not the status quo unless you can prove you somehow deserve your baby. It's about you having the choice to opt out if you wish to. And you clearly don't wish to. People who say they trust women should trust you. You should trust yourself if you can.

If you wanted to terminate and if you were terrified of the reality of life with the baby, you wouldn't need to ask others what they'd do. You'd take the choice to opt out. That's what it's there for. Not this 'other people think I should do x' and 'I need a good reason not to have a medical procedure on my own body because otherwise I will feel judged and guilty'. Those are not good reasons unless you want them to be and it's clear that you don't.

There are posters who hang around the pregnancy choices board policing other women's choices, implying that you really ought to do x and then adding that of course it's entirely up to you. That's unlikely to be helpful because this is a decision you have to make according to what you want. You do not want the aftermath of an unwanted termination.

Trust yourself that you can weigh everything in the balance as your own deep truth, with whatever feelings you need to as those matter too, and then continue to trust your gut feeling. Sit with it. If you then need to change your mind based on how you feel about leaning in one direction, you'll realise those concerns are also very valid to you and think some more. Nobody else has a right to know these things or could know. And if the day never comes when you feel able to terminate, that's a decision too, made over time by something deep within you that matters.

All these messages, thank you so much for the support from every single poster. I’m in tears!
I decided to continue with the pregnancy and feel so relieved that I have made the right decision.
No body knows what the future holds. Really thank you all for your time and effort in helping me make a decision.

"@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea The thing is, OP, all the people encouraging you to keep the baby aren't going to pay your bills, or look after your children while you work long hours to keep a roof over your heads, or clean your house so you can spend what little time you have with your existing children. It really does sound to me as if the impact on your existing family would be too great. FWIW, I have three children and would likely terminate a pregnancy with a fourth, although I am with their father, we both earn decent money in professional jobs and mine is flexible and from home.
Nobody likes the idea of a termination. It's a hard thing to do. I'm just not sure your entirely understandable sense of wanting to keep the baby and make it work outweighs the very real impacts on your existing family.
The choice - obviously - is yours. But if I were you? I would absolutely terminate."

I agree with this poster. If you can comfortably afford and house a fourth child by your own means, can continue to work and support yourself and your growing family then that is your decision. I have 2 DC, work full time , am a single parent ( divorced) and own my own home , i could never afford a 3rd or 4th child. Being honest, my children would not be happy with any additional siblings , fathered by another , either.

Expanding your family, if you can independently afford it and, your existing children are happy, is your family choice.

With kindness, you have stated that "(I have 2 different dads already, this pregnancy is with a different man) but I don’t think it will br catastrophically awful as those around me make out". I suspect those who know you are giving you sage advice.

With respect Op, 4 children with 3 different Dads would not be something i would either wish for myself or my children . I personally would focus on the opportunities and life experiences you can afford and extend to your existing children , on your current income.

"@cloudacious You don't need a good reason to continue with a pregnancy. It doesn't need to be the sensible thing to do if you don't feel like being sensible.".

I disagree totally. Bringing a child into this world and the life commitment that that entails , requires a huge amount of sensibility . Bringing a child into this world requires the upmost in sensible. I work in a sch, i see every day the reality of what happens when people do not make sensible choices!

Disgusting, the OP has said she wishes to continue with the pregnancy and she needs support, not posters haranguing her and bullying her for continuing with her pregnancy. Have reported the above post.

You have made a very brave decision and I wish you all the best and good luck with the pregnancy. Just look ahead now, you will be fine xx

Oh, so it's not a woman's right to choose. It's a poor woman's obligation to choose.

I'm no longer pro choice.

@cloudacious

Oh, so it's not a woman's right to choose. It's a poor woman's obligation to choose.

I'm no longer pro choice.

Agree @cloudacious. Some of the comments on this thread are disgusting and cement a lot of my thoughts as to how to how some of the pro "choice" community react when someone chooses anything apart from termination.

Im so happy you decided to keep the baby, sweetheart. I had an abortion in April and i terribly regret it.
I wish you and your family all the very best. 🤗💕🥳💋