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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

13 weeks + 3 children and on my own

69 replies

Torment654 · 03/09/2021 08:07

I am booked in for surgical termination next week and I feel like I’m doing this for everyone else rather than me or the kids.

Life would be different with a fourth (I have 2 different dads already, this pregnancy is with a different man) but I don’t think it will br catastrophically awful as those around me make out.

What would you do in my circumstances? I’m a retail worker, in secure council tenancy and kids dads all involved with existing children.

Please help me work out what to do : I’m desperate for advice from real people.

OP posts:

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 07/09/2021 21:24

So you're going ahead with the termination for everyone else? OP no one can tell you what to do here but I wouldn't ever think having a termination you don't want is a good idea. You know you don't want to do this, you know you want the baby, you are thinking about a life with the baby and you know how you will feel after you have done it. So I don't want to make this worse for you but I don't think it would be right to not tell you that this seems a bad idea and not something you should be doing just because people say you should, because they don't have to go through the medical procudeure or afterwards, so you need to think about yourself because "pro choice" isn't "pro everyone telling a woman what to do with her body and she has to do it when it's not her choice" so you need to be sure no one but you has made you do it.

Original poster

Torment654 · 07/09/2021 21:49

It’s painfully hitting home what you have said there. Thank you for your strength

OP posts:

SudokuZebra · 07/09/2021 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 01:19

@Torment654

I do believe I will regret the termination…. those around me tell me it’s what’s best as the child has not been asked to be brought into this world….I understand that. The children will suffer…. But we could be happy. Not long until I have to take the meds to soften the cervix. How are you?

I think, in time, you will not regret the termination, Torment. You will be sorry you became pregnant in this instance and be extra careful from now on.

Hope you are OK and, no, not being nosy.

alrightfella · 08/09/2021 06:52

When you say the children will suffer, do your children already know that you are pregnant? Otherwise I am not understanding how they will suffer if they do not know?

SudokuZebra · 08/09/2021 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gogohm · 08/09/2021 08:01

Can you afford a fourth child? Benefits are capped so you are pretty much on your own financially unless the father will pay substantial maintenance. Coping with 4 is also really hard. For the sake of your existing children I think you are doing the right thing

someonesomewhere7 · 08/09/2021 11:28

[quote SudokuZebra]@Torment654, it really, really doesn't sound like you want this. If I am totally honest , other people's opinions/ fear of judgement played into my decision to rush into a termination, and it was the wrong decision. It sounds like you do not want an abortion, so think very carefully before taking any medication and remember you only have to please yourself. Forget what others think, if you want to go ahead with the rpegnancy then do.[/quote]
You can't really know it was the wrong decision because you can't know what the outcome would have been. Could you have been happy and on top of things? Yes. Could you have ended up totally overwhelmed/with PPD/with birth injuries/stuck with an abusive prick for a baby daddy? Also yes. Not to minimise your experience of regret. You can say it feels to you now that it was the wrong decision, but no one can say if indeed, objectively, it was the wrong one.

someonesomewhere7 · 08/09/2021 11:32

5 years after an abortion, 99% of women still believe it was the right decision.

Having said that, each person is different and all the practical reasons in favour of abortion will not be worth it if you're not at peace with your decision and it's only going to ruin your mental health. So consider both head and heart.

If it were me I would terminate and focus on the needs on my existing children. But thats irrelevant.

Original poster

Torment654 · 08/09/2021 13:54

No my children don’t know I’m pregnant. This is my last day before I go in 😩

OP posts:

Original poster

Torment654 · 08/09/2021 13:58

The children will suffer if I keep the baby as in financially.
I can’t see wood for trees

OP posts:

SudokuZebra · 08/09/2021 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cloudacious · 08/09/2021 14:05

I would have the baby because it's clear that you would choose this if it was up to you, which it is.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/09/2021 14:06

How are you feeling today OP? Was thinking have tou tried asking yourself why it is that you think you will not be ok with the termination afterwards, and why you want the baby? It might be useful to try and think about that so you know if it's just "I might feel bad" or more of a "I really want the baby and care about little already" sort of feeling. Only you can pick a termination or a baby, and no one here can tell you how you will feel, all we can do is say what is likely with what you've said (and I would think it sounds like you won't be ok with it from your posts so far, and that's why I think more information on why you do/don't want to do this would be helpful, because it seems a bit unusual that some people are saying they don't think you will feel it wasnt right for you afterwards from your posts so far).

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 14:23

@Torment654

The children will suffer if I keep the baby as in financially. I can’t see wood for trees

You have to put your existing children, and yourself, first, Torment.

Perhaps it's best to keep away from this thread for a while. So many people are offering advice and not one of us is really qualified to do that. All we can say is what we think we would do, or have done, in your position and we are not you. Our feelings about the issue are not relevant.

Good luck.

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 14:24

@Torment654

No my children don’t know I’m pregnant. This is my last day before I go in 😩

It will soon be all over, Torment.

Original poster

Torment654 · 08/09/2021 15:57

I feel good about the baby. Every day and night I ask for a sign what to do and I get nothing. I feel like when I go against the tide that’s when things go wrong.
I have made a mistake by not tracking my periods during a really tough June and July. I can make the mistake ‘better’ by ending the pregnancy or can I embrace the situation I have carelessly put myself in and make the best.
I guess everyone is pressuring me in a nice way but given the circumstances if I was my friend or daughter I’d be most probably giving the same advice.
I need to make the right decision

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 16:00

You won't get a 'sign', Torment. You just have to weigh things up with your partner and employ common sense.

toolazytothinkofausername · 08/09/2021 16:05

Have you taken the tablets to soften your cervix?

toolazytothinkofausername · 08/09/2021 16:05

I only ask as I don't want to give advice if it is not helpful.

If you haven't taken the tablets, don't. You truly sound like you do not want the termination.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/09/2021 16:16

Just don't do what everyone tells you you should do, or listen to what anyone says you will or won't feel afterwards OP. You need to be the one to know you're feelings. You know more about what you can live with and what you want to do. Whatever you do do it has to be because you thought it was what you wanted to do and not because your family told you you need to or people online said they'd do it and you'll feel ok afterwards, because no one knows and no one here is the one pregnant or having a medical procedure. They are either being hypothetical or are talking about something they have already done and got used to. Only you know if the way you feel about the baby now is enough that you think you'll be ok afterwards, and will be able to be as good of a mum if you do feel as badly as you think you will. You need to weigh up everything and imagine yourself as a mum with another child and how you'd make that work, and imagine how you'll make it work as a mum who does feel guilt. That isn't to say you will feel guilty if it's right for you. Just that you need to think of the worst case for having the baby and finding it really bad or of not having it and finding you do feel you've done the wrong thing for you, because only when you can feel what is going to be worse, the regret or the child, will you be able to do what is right for you and not everyone else so think about that now and don't think about anyone elses thoughts.

MamaDane · 08/09/2021 16:33

Keep the baby, OP. When you're 70 and spending Christmas with your children and grandchildren the opinions of these people will be long forgotten. If you think you can handle having a fourth, emotionally and mentally, then I believe there's help to get financially. Secondhand shops and Facebook groups often have great deals.

Enwi · 08/09/2021 17:13

Please OP don’t go and get a termination if you don’t feel sure. It doesn’t matter what others would do in your shoes, this is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. You cannot ever take it back. Please don’t make a decision like that when unsure and uncertain. There is no great rush. You can abort later into the pregnancy if you decide that’s what you want to do, and even if you go past the cut off point that still leaves the option of adoption.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. I hope whatever decision you make you feel at peace with it. X

Original poster

Torment654 · 08/09/2021 18:49

I didn’t take take the tablet, no
I can’t make any sort of decision big or small it seems the last few days

OP posts:

Original poster

Torment654 · 08/09/2021 19:05

All of your messages are well received I read them all over again. Thank you. It’s good to have people to speak to during this heartbreaking decision

OP posts:

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