Wanting a baby dilemma (pregnancy fear)

[ZZGirl]

For background, I'm 31, DH is nearly 31, been together for 15.5 years.
For the last year or so, we hadn't actively been trying to get pregnant, more seeing what happened but as the world started to open up, we decided to wait. It turned out I was already pregnant. DH was very supportive but I knew he'd prefer to have waited a bit longer (mostly his fear I think, not a lot of experience with babies)

I had a whirlwind of a two weeks thinking it was what I wanted and I had an absolute meltdown and ended up terminating in March.

I guess what I'm wanting to let out is I always thought I wanted to be a Mum. I think I do. I love kids, I'm good with kids, I can imagine myself with a child. We said after the termination that we'd see how we felt in 2022 about having a baby. I've been around babies a lot recently, lots of pregnant friends/colleagues so naturally I've been thinking a lot and been wondering.

I just don't know how I feel. I was so scared when I was pregnant. I felt so sick all the time and everything about pregnancy scared me.

I don't even really know what I'm asking. I guess I needed to vent. Have you been afraid of pregnancy? How do you deal with it? Am I ever going to really know if its something I want?

I also had terrible trapped gas when I was on my period this month, it instantly reminded me of being pregnant and made me freak out inside. Yet I'll fondly remember my craving of strawberry ribena and salt!

It’s a pain when family just assume that a child will happen for a couple.

I understand your DHs logic regarding waiting to think about a baby till next year. I think men’ are just quite literal so when it was suggested 2022 then that’s when it will be discussed. Men are just wired a bit different eh.

What made you start to discuss now?xx

Thats the word, literal! I forgot the word for it 😂

I think it came up because he asked if I wanted him to tell his family to lay off the jokes and jibes

I'm so sorry, ZZGirl.

2022 is not far away. You and your partner may feel ready to have a baby then.

Good luck.

I'm doing alright thankyou for asking.
Sometimes all these thoughts leave my mind completely and then sometimes it's all I can think about and I end up picturing being pregnant again but feeling the exact same way and feeling guilty.
I'm definitely going to look into speaking to someone because I don't want to be afraid forever.

@ZZGirl. It’s a odd one isn’t it. I’m similar to you. I kinda feel paralysed by this whole shitting situation! I’ve said before. I wish I could just be given a 5 year old. No pregnancy, no baby stage. It’s totally ridiculous.xx

Wouldn't that be ideal @ED81!

I also just wanted to add, I know it can be incredibly traumatic post termination and there isn't a lot of support out there.

Yes I'm always depressed by how much 'support' and encouragement there is to terminate a pregnancy, and so little help afterwards.

I was of course also terrified of pregnancy and childbirth but your body carries you through. Now I love it. And having children is just a beautiful thing. (For me - just my experience.)

@ZZGirl and @ED81

I'm so sorry there isn't the support to help you. There should be. Pregnancy and having a baby is a journey, but it's Mostly a great one. You do need someone on your side, though Xx

@SudokuZebra

some, ( by no means all), members of the pro choice community get very agitated at the suggestion women could need support afterwards, as they keep saying "most people feel relief and don't need support." That is not my experience , and I feel women who regret/struggle with their decision are often treated very badly by the pro choice community.

Thank you. I have found it very lonely, and so confusing, to be told that choice (as in termination) is a solid gold right and option, but then to be dropped completely afterwards and expected to feel 'relief'.

I did not feel relief. I felt extreme fear and horror. And really it affected me forever. But it's not cool to feel like that. One is supposed to swan on and enjoy choosing sofas in Ikea and having one's career and having everything 'under control'. Not giving in to weak feelings of love and attachment. Instead being sensible and 'making the right choice'. It is all so loaded, so political, and so not me.

I was just left sobbing. I was left to pick up the pieces. And - to feel ashamed that I felt something?

Lots of women feel relief and minimal regret. That's great. But, as you say, not everyone. And everyone counts and is equally important and deserving of respect.

Bella Mackie (author and writer) speaks about the difficultly of pregnancy and mental health. She had a miscarriage but that when pregnant her mood lowered, anxieties were high and experienced ocd.

She’s now stuck with what to do next. Her article in the times might be worth a read.xx

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/eca7bc1e-9f55-11ea-b8ef-bc1da708794a?shareToken=f7cf959d2d057ada5a0604411678b7fa

Hi,
How is everyone today?

Gosh, I hadn't seen that there were new replies here, I'm sorry @Sudokuzebra

I hope you're doing okay, doing better now than three months ago is definitely an achievement.

I'm doing alright, work is keeping me so busy that I barely get time to think about what could have been or what I want. We've booked a holiday for February so I know I definitely don't want to be expecting then so kind of pushing it to the back of my head until then really.

Well that seems like a good plan. Holiday and then think about your next step.xx

It definitely makes it easy to not think about as much. If I was pregnant, I wouldn't be able to go on any of the theme park rides!