HELP! Found out I’m pregnant but don’t like the father

[Bec0303]

Hello everyone!

I’m desperate for some help with my situation. I know you can’t exactly advise but I’d love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any words of wisdom. I just need to figure this out and I’m so so torn.

I’m 32, have my own flat in a lovely area and a good job. I have a loving and supportive family very close to me, and a twin sister a 1 year old, and a new baby due in 2 weeks.

I’ve been dating a guy I met on a dating site for a couple of months but he started to annoy the hell out of me, and I properly got the ick, so I broke it off. I genuinely got to the point where I couldn't stand him. A few days later I found out I was pregnant.

Thing is, he is SO supportive. He is intelligent, kind & understanding. He is desperate to give it another go but I just don’t feel anything for me him and I can’t fake it. I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel and he is supportive of either keeping or seeking a termination and wants me to make the decision for me. He has said that if I do keep it he wants 50% custody and wants to be heavily involved. Which, I know it shouldn't and I know I should be thankful for his support, but it fills me with terror because it means Im tied to him!

I am SO torn and have changed my mind so many times. On one hand, the clock is ticking, he’s a great guy and I know he’d be supportive. On the other, I don’t want to be tied to someone I don’t want to be with for eternity. But is a selfish reason enough of a reason to terminate a pregnancy?

Please please help me x

I fucking hate my daughters dad with a burning passion! Still… really happy I have my daughter, she is the best x

You're looking at it the wrong way.
Forget about him completely and make your decision based on how you feel about this potential baby and becoming a mum.

I don't understand your post. Are the one year old and the baby due in 2 weeks your twin sister's?
How far along are you?

You’re going to have to share a child with him 50% for the next 16/18 years. Can you tolerate him for that ?

You can terminate a pregnancy for any reason! Not wanting a lifelong tie to someone is not selfish.

You can have a termination for whatever reason you need to OP.

I suppose the question is whether you could co-parent with him (the ick doesn’t matter if you’re not a couple), and whether you would want your child to spend 50/50 with each of you. Could be great; could be terrible.

Ah sorry I was unclear! Yes they are my twin sisters, so my point is my family are very good babies. Im terrified if I have a termination it will coincide with her due date and then it will all hit me and I won’t be able to live with the regret

You can regret either choice, that’s why you need to decide what you want.

If I was going to raise a child from birth without a partner, my first choice would be a sperm donor for the father.

If I was in your situation I would be thinking, if this was my only opportunity to ever have a child, would I take it?

It's hard to say OP. I mean most men won't have their child 50/50 so I would but that aside. What ever he tells you now may not be the case. You need to think about what you want first.

Do you want to be a mother? That's the most important thing really.

From what you've written he actually sounds like he'd he quite a good co parent, as long as he can accept that the romance isn't there between you anymore.

There's no right or wrong in these situations though. Good luck with your decision.

I've got 4 children with 2 different men. The first guy is a fairly good person but I just got the "ick", co-parenting with him has been ok because we share the same values and ideas on family life. The 2nd dad is an arsehole and totally lazy parent who just wants all the easy and fun parts. I often regret having kids with him and given my time again I definitely wouldn't.

I'm not sure id be overjoyed with 50/50 but actually coparenting with a decent guy is probably easier than being an entirely single parent, so that could be good. However you don't know him that well - are you sure he's as decent as you believe him to be?
You can terminate the pregnancy for any reason at all. If you don't want his baby don't have it. But if you want the baby regardless of him, that's your choice.

You take him out of it and decide what you want!
Do you want a baby?

You don’t need to have that much actual ‘contact’ with the bloke surely. You don’t need to have family days out or anything!

To the best of your knowledge would he be a good dad? Would you be able to come parent with him? Do you want a baby?

I think it is a bit silly to say take him out of the equation as he is very much in it. Unless he decides to walk away you will have to interact with this man for many years, until the child is old enough to sort contact themselves. Parenting can be hard. Why make it more so?

You said he started to 'annoy the hell out of you'

To me, this does not sound like someone you want to co parent with for the next 18 yrs!

You're only 32. This is not your last chance.

In your position I would terminate.

If I was in your position I would terminate as I would not want to be tied to someone who I don't know very well and who gives me the ick. Also, co-parenting with someone 50/50 you hardly know will be challenging. I find it hard with my husband who I've been with for 13 years! You're only 32, clearly fertile and this is not your last chance. Not all situations are perfect but this sounds like a nightmare to me.

I think I would terminate as well. It is a big deal to co parent with someone for such a long period of your life.

But listen to what you really want as well.

How well do you know him? Have you met his family? What annoys you about him?

I had a termination 8 years ago because I did not want to co-parent with my ex for 18 years and I did not want my baby to come into the world in those circumstances. It just wasn't the right time for me and I took the risk that that may have been my one chance to have a baby. As it turns out I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with a partner who I love and totally feels right now. Although it was tough at times I have never regretted my termination all those years ago.

I would terminate in that situation. I would hate to be tied to somebody that annoys the hell out of me for years on end on a very regular basis. You don't know each other long enough to know if what you'd want for your child would even be the same, and potentially having to fight your corner on every decision since the baby is born would be hard. Also don't think I would be happy with 50/50 custody from the offset, rightly or wrongly.

Thank you everyone for the advice! It’s so selfish of me but I think the idea of 50/50 scares me more than anything. The baby isn't even born yet and I’ve already got my back up and am worrying about how a child grows up only knowing its mother/father 50% of the time. In my opinion it would be better for the child to have one constant parents and then see the other as and when. But I have no idea how to navigate these things!

I also feel like deep down he may be punishing me for not wanting to be with him. He said he will be annoying and under my feet all the time as he’ll be wanting to see the child and do night feeds and stuff. How on earth does that work?!

You can't really do 50/50 with an infant, especially a BF one. So that's probably the first conversation to have to see if he's flexible. If he's not you've got 20 years of that.